People arrived and left with regularity as they came to pay their respects and check on how we were all doing. We children would be trotted out like exhibits so the well-wishers could give their condolences. All wanting to know what had happened.
I heard without really hearing that my father had been enjoying a rare walk home one night after the evening’s festivities at the Beach Club. It was almost ritual for Daddy to be driven everywhere, to show the world who he was and what he had. But every now and then, he liked to walk and enjoy the night air. As a child I used to join him on the infrequent occasions I’d been allowed up that late.
The car had hit him while travelling at illegal speeds.
He’d lived long enough to make it to the hospital and to say goodbye to my mother. He hadn’t survived the surgery that had been an attempt to save his life.
The driver, who had been high on cocaine, had been found and was awaiting trial.
Friends and family had flown in from all over the world to be at my father’s funeral later that week. Part of me wanted to scream for them all to go away, because if they weren’t here then all of this wasn’t really happening.
When I woke up the morning of the funeral, for a brief second I was fine. My mind hadn’t reminded me what I would be doing later, hadn’t seen the freshly pressed black dress hanging on the back of my wardrobe door in a plastic garment bag.
But then I remembered, and a heavy wave of pain crashed through my body. I lay in my bed, curled in a protective ball. The breeze that carried with it the scent of the garden and the ocean beyond was usually a comfort but today it did little to soothe me.
I hugged my arms around my chest and squeezed my eyes shut, feeling the familiar burn of tears behind them. My bedroom door gave a low squeak as it was pushed slowly open.
“Freddie?” Louisa whispered, her little voice broken with anguish.
Raising up onto my elbow, I brushed my knotted hair from my face. “Are you all right, Lou?” My little sister had hung from my mother’s skirts this past week. For all her boisterousness and large personality, Louisa had shrunk before our very eyes. She was a child again, the smallest.
Louisa shook her head and bit her lip.
My heart ached for her. None of this made sense to me, so how on earth could it make sense to Louisa? I patted the bed beside me and she rushed across the room.
Louisa dived into bed with me and I pulled the sheets up over our heads, shielding and protecting us from the world. She cuddled up to me and popped her thumb in her mouth—something she hadn’t done for years.
Whatever helps her.
“Did you sleep at all last night?” I asked her.
“Some,” she whispered. “Did you?”
I shrugged. “Some.”
We were quiet for a few minutes and I knew there was something she wanted to say, but for whatever reason couldn’t find the nerve right away. There was no rushing Louisa—in anything. She did what she wanted exactly when she wanted to do it, and no force could make her any different. So I would give her all the time she needed.
“I’m scared for today,” Louisa finally admitted.
“Which part?”
“All the parts.” Louisa sniffed and her eyes filled with tears. “Will it be very scary? Seeing the coffin?”
“I don’t know, Lou. I don’t know how it will make you feel. What you have to remember, is that it is Daddy. Was there anything scary about Daddy?”
She shook her head. After a moment, a slow smile pulled at her lips. “Remember when he caught us using his chair to go up the stairs?”
A laugh bubbled in my throat. After Daddy had had his hip replacement, the house had been fitted with a stair lift—much to our delight. “Yes. I thought he was going to tell us off, instead he told us to give him a shot as we were hogging it.”
“What about when Harry ate all his new flowers?”
“Ah yes, Harry the horrid tortoise. What a menace he was.” I tapped Louisa on the nose. “My favourite photograph of you is still that one of you bending over peering at little Harry in your gorgeous frilly dress. You must have only been two or three.”
The smile that had been so full and happy on Louisa’s face slipped. “I’m so sad, Freddie.”
I hugged her tighter. “I know, darling. We all are. It’s okay to be sad.”
“But Daddy hated it when we were sad, he said it made him sad too, and I don’t want Daddy to be sad in Heaven.”
The first tear slid down my cheek at Louisa’s innocent worry. “Daddy won’t be sad in Heaven. He’s up there with his family who have passed away. And he’s with Harry.”
“Will Harry look after him?” Louisa asked, hiccupping.
“He had better, or William and Charles will tell him off.” I wiped away Louisa’s fresh tears that streamed down her young face. “I tell you what,” I whispered, “every time we start to feel too sad today, why don’t we tell a story about Daddy that makes us laugh or smile?”
Louisa nodded and scrubbed at her face. “I like that idea.”
My bedroom door squeaked again and Louisa and I threw off the sheet to see Augustus standing in the doorway.
“What are you two doing?” Augustus asked, glancing between us.
“I think right now we’re hiding.” I looked at Louisa. “Is that what we’re doing, Louisa?”
She nodded her head vigorously. “Do you want to hide with us, Augustus?”
Augustus lifted his eyebrows but crossed the room without having to be asked twice. “Too right I do. I poked my head into the kitchen and all I could see was people I don’t know.” Augustus climbed into bed beside me, taking care of my ankle, and sandwiched me between my two siblings. “I wish it wasn’t here yet,” he said quietly.
“Me, too,” Louisa agreed.
I grabbed both their hands and squeezed. “We’ll get through today, I promise. We’ll get through it together.”
I don’t know how much time passed with us hidden away, but the world outside my bedroom door grew louder as more and more people arrived at the house.
It wasn’t a shock when my door opened for the third time, and I knew it was someone looking for the three of us.
Mummy stepped inside, her face softening as she took stock of us all in bed together. “I should have known I would find you all together.”
“We’re hiding, Mummy,” Louisa said.
“Can I hide with you for a moment?” Mummy asked as she stepped forward.
We all nodded and scooched over, making room for Mummy to climb in and join us. At first no one said anything. We lay there in my cramped and full bed like it was the safest place in the world.
“Wouldn’t it be marvellous if we could stay here all day?” Mummy asked quietly.
“Could we, Mummy?” Louisa asked. “We could get Aimee to bring our lunch in here, and I bet Samantha would read us a story if we asked her nicely.”
Mummy chuckled under her breath and reached across to pat Louisa’s hand. “I wish we could, my little darling. But we have to say goodbye to Daddy.”
Louisa nodded and tucked her chin into her chest.
A few minutes later there was a gentle tap on the door. It was pushed open and Samantha stepped inside. She gave us a small, sad smile.
“I’m sorry to disturb you all,” Samantha said, looking at Mummy. “But people are asking after you all.”
Mummy nodded and pushed back the sheet. She rose from the bed and Samantha touched her arm as she paused in front of her. “See that the children get dressed, please,” Mummy said.
“Of course.”
Mummy left and Samantha faced us with a look we were all familiar with. “Come on then, gang.”
“We want to hide, Samantha,” Louisa said with a pout.
Samantha stepped towards the bed. “Hiding won’t stop today from happening, poppet. Besides, you heard your mother. We don’t want to give her anything else to fret about today, do we? We all have to be on our best behaviour, and be kind to o
ne another.”
After a moment, Louisa gave a nod in agreement and climbed out of my bed, somewhat reluctantly. Samantha held her hand out and Louisa slipped hers into it.
They headed for the door, and Samantha looked back at Augustus and myself. “And you two. I’ll send Aimee in here with a few chicken heads, if that will get you both moving.”
I chuckled. “All right, Samantha, we’re getting up.”
“Glad to hear it,” she said with a smile.
Augustus and I both got out of bed and I noticed how weary and aged my brother looked—far older than his fifteen years.
“How are you, Augustus?”
He paused at the door, his back facing me. “I’ll get there, Freddie. I’ll get there.”
“Let’s all disappear tonight, what do you say? You, me and Louisa. We’ll take her crabbing and buy some ice creams. She’s always nagging us to take her.”
Augustus threw me a smile over his shoulder that didn’t quite meet his eyes. “Sounds perfect.”
My brother left my room, and it was just me and a little black dress I didn’t want to wear.
Hundreds of people crammed into the church in Champ Doree to pay their final respects to my father. He was loved and respected by many, and it showed in the turn out for his funeral.
I held Louisa’s hand as we listened to my father’s vibrant life and how much he’d adored his children. When it was time, we followed the coffin into the churchyard and stood at the front beside Mummy and my two half-brothers.
Daddy’s motto was inscribed on his tombstone. Reading the words made a hard lump form in my throat and tears stream down my face. I scrubbed them away, hoping they didn’t make my makeup run. I wanted to look perfect for Daddy. I didn’t want to give Mummy another reason to fret.
After the funeral, our house was jam-packed with people again. So many strangers wanted to talk to me, to ask how I was feeling with my ankle, to ask how I was coping. I wanted to scream. My father was dead, how did they think I was coping? What a stupid question!
By early evening, I could see that Louisa had had enough. She sat in a chair in the corner of the lounge with a lost and forlorn look on her face. I found Augustus and grabbed his arm, pulling him in the direction of Mummy.
She touched my cheek and gave Augustus a slight smile. “How are you both?”
I shook my head. “Can we take Louisa out for a bit? She’s reached her limit, I think.”
Mummy looked over at Louisa in her chair. “Of course. Slip out quietly. Do you need some money?”
“No, I’m sure we’ll find some,” I said, smiling and trying to lighten the tone.
She giggled. “Yes, I daresay you will.”
We bade our mother goodbye and crossed the room again to get Louisa.
“Come on, Lou, we’re getting out of here,” Augustus said.
Her eyes lit up and she jumped out of her chair. “Are we really? Where are we going?”
“Crabbing, now hurry up or we’ll leave you behind.” Though his words were mean, the smile took any harm out of it.
We quickly changed into some old clothes and hurried out of the house. The second I was on the beach I felt better. The air in the house had been stifling and I’d felt as though I was slowly being suffocated by a fog of expensive perfumes.
The headache that had throbbed behind my eyes all day finally began to dissipate as I shrugged off the heavy oppression of the day.
Louisa shrieked and ran down to the shoreline. She kicked in the surf and ran away from Augustus as he chased her, threatening to throw her into the ocean.
When we were out on the water, Augustus and I let Louisa win at crabbing, discreetly throwing our catches overboard when she wasn’t looking. Louisa loved to win, but she hated someone letting her win. She was feisty and strong-willed and I adored that about my little sister.
It was also the reason she made me want to throttle her at times.
In the end, Louisa threw all her crabs back anyway. She said they belonged in their watery home and we didn’t have any right in taking them out of it.
I treated them both to a ginormous ice cream cone back on the beach and we sat licking them and watching the sun go down. It reflected off the water, sending brilliant ripples of orange and pink across the ocean.
Augustus gave Louisa a piggyback ride home as she was beginning to fall asleep on the beach. I hobbled home on my trusty crutches—I couldn’t wait to see the back of them. Mummy took Louisa to bed when we arrived home, and Augustus disappeared off to his room. It had been such a long day and we were all clearly feeling the effects.
The house had emptied of surplus bodies, but a few still remained. My step-brother Jamie and his mother were still around somewhere, as were a few of Daddy’s friends.
I wanted solitude, but I couldn’t stand the idea of locking myself away in my room like I had done most of the week. I wanted to be near Daddy, to smell him, to be immersed in him.
Pushing open the door to his office, I found it was the same as it had always been, yet it was also vastly different. Tears stung my eyes as I stared at his desk, my mind conjuring up the image of him laughing into the telephone.
The doors to the garden were flung open, and the sound of Daddy’s friends talking drifted in. They were telling stories about him, laughing and sounding animated. I curled up in one of the blue and gold chairs to listen to them and even found myself smiling.
I sat up in my chair to see Jamie leaning against the patio doorframe, wearing his usual candid smile. His tailored suit looked good on him, as his suits always did. Jamie dressed in old-world aristocratic wealth, just like Daddy.
Jamie was a good ten years older than I was, and thus we had never had much in common. But I still adored my elder half-brother. He was mad and eccentric and so much fun.
Jamie took the chair beside me and lowered his tall frame into it. “I didn’t see you much today.” He tapped his fingers on my cast. “How’s the ankle?”
I shrugged. “Fine, I guess. Hopefully I can get the cast off in a few weeks since it’s just a hairline fracture. Besides,” I said, giving him a smile, “you were too busy to pay me any attention. Everyone wanted to talk to the new Marquess.”
Jamie nodded. “That they did. I imagine you had your ear chewed off a great deal also.”
“Pretty much,” I admitted. “Everyone wanted to know my plan after next year.”
“This is your final year at school? What are your plans? Crazy gap year jetting off all over the world?” Jamie asked.
I snorted a laugh. “I wish! I’ll be at St Finbars for university.”
“You don’t sound overly thrilled at the prospect.”
“It’s always been the plan,” I murmured.
“According to who? Your mother and father?”
I nodded. “Daddy always said he wanted me to go to a top uni like St Finbars.”
“Daddy always wanted you to be happy first.” Jamie reached across to take my hand. “It’s your life, Frederica, and you’re the one who has to live it. Don’t waste it by doing what you think other people expect of you.”
Jamie’s words sent a thrill down my spine. Not going to university had never even occurred to me before. I couldn’t deny that the prospect of doing a gap year first was exciting and so, so tempting.
But could I really do it?
Mummy would be furious…
I shook my head. “It’s a silly dream.”
“You’re only young once,” Jamie said as he got up. “Don’t blow your chances, and for God’s sake, don’t make choices you’ll regret.”
“I won’t,” I said quietly. My mind churned and I knew I would be thinking all night about this conversation. “How long are you staying with us, Jamie? It’s been ages since we’ve seen you properly.”
Jamie glanced at the door. He turned back to me with a small smile. “I’ll be off in the morning. I expect it will be quite some time before I see you again.”
I opened my mouth
to question his meaning, but changed my mind at the last moment. “Never say never.”
Jamie’s smile widened. “Exactly. Goodnight, Frederica.”
“Goodnight, Jamie.”
When Jamie left, I stayed curled up in the chair in Daddy’s office for a long time. His words swam in my head over and over again. Was I really living my life the way other people expected it? How many choices did I make that were actually my own?
Even at school, while I was rebellious and I sneaked out a lot, I was hardly like some of the girls who disappeared off to London, or to their boyfriend’s schools. I was a saint in comparison.
Maybe it was time I started enjoying life like Jamie had said.
Maybe it was time I started living for myself.
I felt irrevocably different. My entire centre of balance had shifted. I was no longer a young, carefree girl. I was changed and altered by grief. My shoulders felt heavier these days, my soul a little darker.
Death affected everyone differently. Augustus became insolent and stroppy, Louisa became clingy. She followed us everywhere for the rest of the summer, and for once I didn’t mind.
I felt older, more mature.
Shortly after the funeral, Mummy took us on a trip to Venice, to where she and Daddy had spent their honeymoon. She wanted to show us a place that meant a lot to her and Daddy, and it would always be a place that reminded me of him, even though I’d never visited it with him.
We stayed at the Cipriani and drank Bellinis at Harry’s Bar. Mummy always said ‘start at the top!’
Thankfully I didn’t have to return to school with a cast on my foot—pretty as it was. Louisa had spent many an hour scribbling intricate patterns on it until it resembled a piece of fine art. I had it removed a few days before the end of summer, and no longer needed the crutches. It was a relief to leave home and fly to England. Mapleton Manor was a welcome refuge after such a terrible summer.
Everything was different now. Everything felt more intense.
Daddy wouldn’t answer the phone when I called home. Fenella was gone. I was a prefect, because it would look brilliant on my university application—which I also needed all As for. The pressure was on for my final year at Mapleton Manor.
Lady in Waiting Page 17