by Talya Andor
"I'm moving out. If the money's an issue, I'll negotiate a pay-back plan with Dad for tuition. I've been paying him what I could for rent and incidentals all along. I'm sure he'll be flexible."
Without a word, Claire left the room. The door didn't quite click shut behind her, and after a long moment it creaked open, swinging wide with the pivot of an unbalanced hinge. Soren looked at the oblong of light with a weary kind of stubbornness. He would just outwait it and eventually it would go away, he thought. His family wouldn't stay up all night.
After a long moment while Soren tried to decide whether to get up and failed miserably, another figure paused in the doorway.
"Soren?"
"Hey. Taking a study break?"
"Pee break," Angie said, approaching the door.
"Did Mom pass your way?"
Angie crossed her arms and leaned against the door frame. "Why, did you make trouble for her again?"
"You could say that. I think I'm moving out."
"Wow." After a moment she grinned. "I think I could bring home a Rastafarian and have him practice vaudun on the kitchen table for our marriage ceremony and she'd be okay with it after this."
"It's not funny," Soren protested feebly, thought about it some more, and gave a weak chuckle. "…You think I'm breaking her in?"
"Well, the eldest is supposed to give them the worst time, after all."
"I think I've done the opposite. But this is different. She wants me to break up with my boyfriend because she doesn't like me being gay."
Angie reached for the cord of the lamp just to the left of his door and fiddled with the chain. "You think it's not Lucas that's the problem?"
"I think I could've brought home an orthodox Catholic Young Republican in a cardigan sweater and necktie and everything and she would've found fault. Come on, Angie. It wasn't just what happened the other night. She had a problem before I even said anything."
"Well," Angie said, her voice so quiet it barely reached him, "that's kind of why I figured you never told us before. Because I suspected, you know."
Soren sighed and brought his hands up to his face. "Yeah, I know. So on some level, I knew Mom wouldn't be okay. "
"Mama's boy."
"No, it's true. I was. And maybe that'll make her blame herself more than I think she already does."
Angie was quiet a moment, then she pushed away from the frame. "Soren. She can't control everything about our lives. I think you're the one she tried the hardest with, and she kind of succeeded. You're standing up for what you want to do with your life, and you shouldn't apologize for that. Or feel guilty."
Soren mustered up a tired smile. "Thanks, Doc. Sure you don't want to go for Psych instead of Accounting?"
"Naw, I'm good. Anything else I can do for you? I gotta get to the bathroom before I start doing the potty dance."
Soren thought about sleep, casting a gaze at his friend the ceiling once more. He was almost totally awake now, though, and should take advantage. "No, just shut the door on your way out?"
"As you wish, brother mine." She disappeared, pulling the door closed behind her.
Soren struggled up into a true sitting position. He had to stay awake at least long enough to make his call, though it was a poor time to make plans when he barely knew what his schedule would look like the next day.
"Ugh, already Thursday." He pulled up a familiar number. Part of being a conscientious friend meant catching Sloane up on all the changes in his life before she had the chance to get mad at him. And she might have advice for his housing situation.
*~*~*
Lucas rubbed the sandy bits from his eyes and tried to get his blurry vision to focus on the details of his accounting homework, which was too technical for him to concentrate on at such an early hour. He had stayed up the night before a little later than he should have, and managed to do most of his homework, but the finishing touches now were a bit too much.
A knock roused him out of a light doze, and Lucas groaned. "Come in," he called. There were only three people who could possibly be conscious in the apartment right now including himself, and Lisa wouldn't knock.
"Mornin'," Brandon said, cracking his door open and leaning against the jamb. "You're up early."
"Not really," Lucas said, fiddling with his pen. "I mean, if I were opening I would've been gone by now."
"Okay, you're up early for a guy who isn't at work. You all right? Things good between you and Soren?"
Lucas set his pen down. "Yeah. I think we're going to be okay." He swept a hand to indicate he should come in, and Brandon did, settling at the end of the unmade bed.
Brandon lowered his head before looking him directly in the eye. "We've all been talking about this lately, but it's time to make something happen. We need to get Jack off the lease, don't you think? And I was the one who found him, so I'm going to take care of that."
Lucas tugged at the base of his ponytail. "Got classes today?"
Brandon quirked a brow. "Just a couple, then Lise and I are doing an after-school event at some middle school out in Hillsboro. She needs some volunteer credits for Child Psych. You?"
"A couple. Then I've got an afternoon shift."
"Do you even get to see Soren today?" Brandon asked with a chuckle.
Lucas made a face at him. "Yes, I do. We're meeting for lunch, then heading to work together."
Brandon raised his brows. "So?" He shifted on the bed, getting his legs up under him into a cross-legged position. "What's going on with you?"
"So? I'm up way too early, and you brought up Jack," Lucas said, shaking his head.
"That'll be over soon enough." Brandon grinned at him. "You think you two will make it to beer and pizza night tonight?"
"Shit!" Lucas scrambled up on his chair, twisting around to peer at his desk calendar. "No. No, my parents are coming into town tonight, we've got reservations." Before he even turned around, he could feel the look on Brandon's face burning into his back.
"Is Soren okay with this?"
"See, here's the thing." Lucas stopped and leaned on his chair again. "Between one thing and another, with all that's gone on lately, I hadn't gotten around to telling Soren they were even going to be in town?"
The silence was strung out on the weight of expectation.
Brandon tipped his head a bit. His brown eyes were patient, his smile amused.
"I know," Lucas said. "I know. I'm wussing out, just the way I almost struck out with Soren over meeting his parents." This was exponentially worse. Whatever you're going through, get it out of your system, but don't drag it into our lives. He turned his face away from Brandon.
There was a sigh, and Brandon climbed off the bed. "You've got to fight this battle on your own, kid." A hand mussed his head and Lucas batted it away. "Later. I gotta go rustle up Lisa for her first class. Why she scheduled herself for an eight o'clock, I have no idea—"
"Other than that it's a pre-req for her major, which she's only said every Friday." Lucas turned from his precarious grasp on the back of his chair and dropping into the seat. He shut his laptop and wondered if he was enough of an asshole to try and keep this from Soren. Didn't he have enough to worry about anyhow? "Have fun with your Friday, Brandon."
The muted buzz of Lucas's cell phone started up before the melody of his ring-tone.
"Oh, you know it," Brandon said, waving at him. His voice floated back after he'd left the doorway. "Phone is ringing, you want to get that?"
Lucas reached for it. "Not really," he muttered, but he was already picking up the call.
"Oh! Good morning." The girl on the other end sounded startled that she had gotten someone that early. "I'm calling for Lucas Daye?"
"That's me," Lucas replied, shifting the phone to his other ear, hoping for a fervent instant that a secretary was calling to reschedule his father's visit.
"This is Wildwood calling to confirm your reservation this evening for three?" the girl prompted.
"Oh," Lucas said, and the pit of
his stomach was roiling. "Yeah…"
*~*~*
The knock on the door roused Soren in a way the lazy sun filtering through the blinds hadn't been able. He hauled himself up against his pillow, wincing at the light that pierced his eyes with unforgiving shards. He squinted at the door, mumbling "come in" with an atypical share of ungraciousness. The fight he'd had with his mother the night before was still vivid in his mind.
The door pushed open. Instead of Claire, Alan stood on the threshold, carrying a large tumbler of orange juice and a poppy seed muffin. "Good morning, happy Friday," Alan said with such cheer that it provoked a smile in Soren.
Soren sat up and rubbed his eyes. He clasped the juice that his father placed in his hand and downed a few greedy gulps. "Thanks, Dad."
"I figured you could use some food for a conversation buffer," Alan said, placing the muffin on Soren's bedstand and taking a seat in the chair nearby. His father's face was creased in kindly lines but his keen eyes were watchful as he settled elbows on knees and peered at Soren.
"If this is a pep talk to let me know I need to play catch-up, believe me, I know," Soren said, sitting up and swinging his legs over the edge of the bed as though to indicate his readiness to face the day. "I have way too much to do, today. Getting back to work and school, getting an exception for some assignments I missed, and midterms next week…I can't afford to get set back." He gazed from the corner of his eye at his father, who seemed to be waiting patiently for him to finish. The more he woke, the more vividly he recalled the fight with his mother the night before. Soren wanted to huddle under his blanket and stay. He was cautious, unwilling to bring up touchy subjects of his own volition, already mentally bruised by territory revisited too often.
"Right," Alan said, and rubbed his knees. "Well, your mother is terrified."
"She's worried I'm going to flunk my midterms?"
"She says you told her you're moving out."
Soren pulled a sigh in through his nose and slumped back against his pillows. "I meant it. I will if I have to, Dad. She's talking about not letting me see Lucas, but it's about more than that."
"I know. But are you sure you're ready?"
"I am now," Soren said quietly. "And it's not for Lucas's sake that I'm moving out. Though he's helped me to become my own person, I'm the one who wants this. I won't stand for Mom trying to dictate the person I am now, just because she prefers who I was when I was closeted."
Alan frowned. "I don't think that's quite why. You know your mother cares about you very much—"
"I know! I know, Dad, really I do. But I also know that it kind of…blinds her from seeing that maybe what's best for me isn't necessarily something she's going to be comfortable with."
"Fair enough." Alan picked at non-existent loose threads on his slacks for a moment, before focusing on Soren again. "Have you given much thought to where you'll move, then?"
It was such a transparent question that Soren stifled a chuckle. "Not a clue. It'll be a while before I have my stuff packed up, if that's what you and Mom are worried about. Besides, most places around here do six month to full year leases, from the talk I've heard from my friends and classmates, so…probably not until January or so."
Alan nodded. "So you're not moving into your boyfriend's place?"
It was Soren's turn to fuss with his comforter in an attempt to avoid his father's scrutiny. He knew after everything that had happened, there was a chance there might be a vacancy in Lucas's apartment unit. "Probably a bad idea…"
"Uh-huh. It's not only that, of course, but also the career counseling…"
"Oh, God!" Soren exclaimed, throwing a hand up. "I don't even want to get into that right now, Dad!"
"And yet, I am bringing it up. It's important, Soren."
Soren groaned, flopping back onto his pillows in an overly-dramatic gesture. "I'm so sick of this…"
"What do you picture yourself doing in two or three years, when you graduate, Soren?" Alan asked, sitting up in his chair, straightening his posture.
"I don't know," Soren said, wrinkling his nose. That was too far away for him to even contemplate.
"Think you'll still be working at Starbucks?"
"No way," Soren said, grimacing. Pushing beans and espresso drinks for a living wasn't exactly his idea of a career.
"So, what kind of job are you qualified for?"
Soren stared at him blankly.
"See?" Alan said. "This is exactly why your mother is worried. She's going about it the wrong way, maybe. But you don't even have an idea of what kind of jobs you can get with it, let alone whether you'd be happy doing those jobs, and whether they would make you enough money to live decently instead of hand to mouth. Or here for the next ten years."
Soren sighed. "You're right," he admitted, and the words were bleak in his mouth. "I have no idea what I want to do…but I never thought about it like that before."
"It's easy enough to get by off what you're earning right now, when you don't have to pay for rent, or meals, or electricity, or a cell phone plan, or car insurance…"
"I get it, I get it! I'm a total slacker and I need to figure out what I'm doing after school."
Alan furrowed his brows. "You're not a slacker. But, you are a bit sheltered. We've never really pushed you, Soren. Now that you're thinking about moving out, though, there are a number of things you really ought to take into consideration."
"Like money."
"Like money," Alan agreed with a nod. "Plus, we can't afford to give you a car, you know? Once you move out, you'd have to buy your own or make do with biking, bussing, or hoofing it."
Soren twitched his mouth to one side but said nothing.
"I'd suggest starting with a career test. Angie and Cassie never much had to think about what they wanted. It all seemed to fall into place for them. For you, I think a career test may help put all the pieces together and give you an idea of what to work towards."
Soren nodded. "I want to stick with my English major, otherwise I'd need to add another year onto college if I switch again."
"Nothing wrong with an English major. There's plenty of directions you could go from there. You do need to find out what they are and see if you'd be happy doing them, of course."
"Yeah," Soren said, and dredged up something Sloane had told him, not long ago. "And I should look into internship options for the summer?"
"If you can find one," Alan said with a brief laugh. "But yes, it would be tough to switch your concentration of study a second time and graduate in four years. Why did you want to be a theology major?"
Soren was quiet for a long time, picking at the wrapping for his muffin and contemplating how to phrase it. His dad would understand, he was sure, even if he didn't get all of the words out quite right. "I wanted answers," Soren said at last, "but I'm starting to realize no matter what other people have to say about it, I need to find my own. My own answers, and my own peace with God."
Alan said nothing, only folded his hands over one knee, nodding.
"Dad," Soren ventured, and cursed the way his voice cracked. "Are you…okay? I mean…why do you seem so okay…with everything?" He was the easygoing counterbalance to Claire's hysteria, Soren thought, and if not for Alan and three very understanding sisters, Soren was sure he would have run away by now.
Alan smiled at him, hitching forward in his chair to pat at Soren's thigh beneath the comforter. "I believe that God made you the way you are. To deny you the love that comes of your nature would be the real sin. Claire…your mother is having a more difficult time. Her beliefs are so strongly bound by Church doctrine, she…" He trailed off and shook his head.
"She can't accept it." Soren's head ached nearly as much as his heart. At the core of him, no matter how much he rebelled, he was still a little boy who wanted his mama's approval.
"She's having a hard time accepting it." Alan stood up, gripping on Soren's shoulder. "Especially after what happened, but give her time, Soren, okay? I know she'll come around.
"
"Okay." Soren blinked as his father stooped to catch him up in a hug.
"Love you, Soren."
Soren hugged back twice as tight. "I love you too, Dad."
They broke from the hug, half-formed chuckles betraying their self-consciousness. "Well, I'd better get ready for work…" Soren started, peeling back the comforter.
"Have a great day," Alan said, giving him a wave before retreating.
It would be if Soren managed to spend any amount of time with Lucas that evening. And start to think about plotting out his future, somehow.
*~*~*
It was cold when Lucas stepped out of his last class for the day, looking around for one familiar face in the crowd. Everything was back to normal, but his anxiety level was through the roof. When he spotted Soren, though, he took a deep breath and felt calmer right away. It was like things were falling into place, and he felt better about the choice he'd made.
Soren was pink-cheeked from the crisp weather, and looked bright-eyed and alert. His new haircut made him look a combination of boyish and cute, and Lucas reeled him in for a kiss, pleased when Soren let him.
"You will not believe what's happened in the last twelve hours," Soren murmured when their lips parted.
Lucas tilted his head. "What happened? Everything okay?"
"I don't know…yes?
"I told my mom I'm moving out," Soren said with the air of a confession.
Lucas's brows rose. "Oh, really?" He stroked Soren's his thumb along the side of Soren's hand and thought of the prospective empty room in a four-bedroom apartment, but wondered if it was too soon to make an offer. "How'd that go?"
It was probably too soon to ask Soren to move into Jack's soon to be vacant room, but the thought was tempting.
"Not bad, I guess," Soren said, sounding dubious. "If only because I haven't, well, actually talked to her since I told her."