“Something like that,” I said, “but —”
“But nothing, Tom! Assisted suicide is the wave of the future. The precedents are set. Soon enough, you’re going to see suicide centers spring up all over the country. A whole chain of centers. Suicide superstores, next to every Barnes and Noble.”
“You’re insane,” I said.
“If you’re tired of listening to me, why don’t you just pull that trigger and get it over with?”
I put the four extending inches of the barrel in my mouth, with my bottom lip resting against the trigger guard. I had it in both hands, with my thumb wrapping around the trigger. There was no chance it would jam this time. It was ready to go.
Ray looked at me with those intense eyes of his. He looked about ready to start slobbering. In fact, he looked lustful.
I shall but love thee better after death . . .
I took the gun out of my mouth.
“Wait a minute,” I said, turning the gun on Ray.
Ray’s lascivious grin collapsed into a thin red line.
“What’s the matter, Tom? I was so proud of you. I thought you were going to make good on your promises.”
“Shut up,” I said. “I could kill you right now.”
“You won’t,” Ray said confidently. “Everyone else you’ve killed was armed. I’m helpless, and harmless. You won’t do it.”
“You want to make a bet?”
“Hey, Tom, come on, buddy! Don’t you see it worked?”
“What worked?”
“You were right! I was playing reverse psychology on you all along, and it worked. Another life saved. Damn, I’m good!”
“I don’t believe you,” I said.
“Don’t, then.” Ray shrugged.
“You’re sick. Death turns you on. Everything about death. It gets you going. Ever since you came over here, you’ve had this covetous look in your eye —”
“Covetous?” Ray played the innocent. “Covetous of what?”
“Of my body, that’s what!”
“Nonsense!” Ray said.
“And you know what? I don’t think you’re even a pansy or anything. All you care is that it’s a body, and that it’s dead. “
“Tom, I can’t believe you’re saying that. It’s too awful!”
“It’s awful because it’s true. You don’t care how they do it, or why, just so long as you’re alone with them afterwards.”
“Tom, don’t be ridiculous! I do nothing of the sort!”
“Oh yeah? I don’t believe you. And I don’t believe you have it in you to kill anybody yourself. In this city, you could pick up just about any stranger you saw on the street, if you were clever enough. All you’d have to do is take them home, or to a dark, secluded spot — maybe the park. If you were capable of killing anyone, that’s what you’d do.”
“Put the gun down, Tom. You’re talking crazy! I’m — I’m worried about you. You don’t really want to hurt me, do you?”
“Oh, yes, I want to hurt you, Ray. You bet I do. You’re scum. You’re worse than scum. You’re a scavenger. I’d rather hurt you, but I’m going to take you in. Come on, get up.”
I stood up and waved the gun at him. Ray got up.
“Take me in? On what charge? You can’t prove anything!”
Ray had a point. I had no evidence of his crimes.
“What am I going to do with you, then?” I asked aloud.
“Why don’t you just kill me?” Ray suggested.
“No good,” I said. “I’d never beat the rap.”
“Kill me, then kill yourself. Solves all your problems.”
“You have a death wish or something? I’m sorely tempted.”
“If that doesn’t grab you, why not join me?”
“Join you?” I was incredulous.
“Sure, we’d make a great team! Tom and Ray, the help line boys! Two is better than one. Hey, we could use the good cop, bad cop routine on them! I bet we’d have more successes that way. It’s clear to me from that suicide note that you’re finished with police work. Well, now Ray’s here to hand you back your future on a silver platter. You could quit your job at the police force and come work with me full-time. What do you say?”
“You do this full-time? How do you make a living?”
“Tom. I thought you were brighter than that! I invite myself in. I help them out. I get my kicks, and then I go rooting around for loot. They can’t take it with them, and I may as well have it. That’s how I collect my fee.”
“Your fee,” I repeated.
“You think I’d do any of this out of the goodness of my heart? It’s a business, Tommy baby. So are you in or out?’’
“How much do you make?”
“Some nights are better than others. I bet you don’t have much dough lying around. Maybe you got some baseball cards —”
“You’re not getting my baseball cards,” I said. “Or me.”
“And I was so close.”
“Your apartment must be filled with stolen goods,” I said.
“It’s not easy to fence everything so fast.”
“Uh-huh.” I said, grinning. “That’s what I figured.”
I emptied my clip into Ray. He fell down all bloody.
~ * ~
I set my Glock down on the kitchen table. I opened my front door, looked up and down the hallway to make sure no one was watching, and went into the hall. I closed my door. I kicked it hard three times with the heel of my boot until I busted the lock and splintered the jamb and the door flew wide open. I went to the bathroom, tore down the suicide notes, and set them aflame using one match. I let them burn in my fingers until I dropped them into the toilet, and I flushed the ashes down and away.
I went to the phone and called the precinct house. Captain Feliciano happened to be the operations officer on duty tonight.
“Tony, it’s Tom,” I said.
“Hey, Tom!” he said. “You’re off tonight, aren’t you?”
“Yeah, and I had a bit of a problem here. I was just sitting here watching television in the dark, and some guy broke in through my front door. It looked like he was pointing a gun at me through the pocket of his jacket. He said if I didn’t give him all my money, he was going to kill me. I didn’t want to take any chances, so —”
Feliciano sighed. “How many times did you shoot him, Tom?”
“That damned trigger jammed on me again, Tony, so I blew the one in the chamber and all seventeen in the clip.”
“Eighteen, huh? So I take it he’s dead.”
I glanced at Ray, not moving. “You take it correctly, sir.”
“What kind of a gun did he have on him?”
“It wasn’t a gun at all. It must have been his fingers.”
“Well, that’s okay,” my captain said. “Just swear in court that you saw the butt of the gun poking out of his jacket. And you’re sure he intended to burglarize you?”
“Oh, I’m positive,” I said. “He had his moves down cold, like he’s done this dozens of times before. I bet he’s got tons of stolen goods at his place. Can we get a warrant?”
“Don’t sweat it, Tom. You did the right thing. I’ll have dispatch send a car over to take your report. Just relax. You don’t have a thing to worry about. I’ll see to it myself.”
“Thanks, Tony, captain, sir,” I said, to cover the bases.
Captain Feliciano laughed good-naturedly and hung up.
Ray lay there darkly staining my carpet.
I looked over at my Glock and smiled. In the end, it hadn’t let me down at all. It had given me one last chance to prove I was worthy. I picked it up and found the barrel still warm and smoking. I cooled it off with a nice, long, sloppy kiss.
<
~ * ~
JAMES CRUMLEY
Hostages
from Measures of Poison
Between the hammer of the midwestern sun and the relentless sweep of the bone-dry wind, the small town of Wheatshocker seemed crushed flat and just a
bout to blow across the plains. Long billows of dust filled the empty streets like strings of fog. Male dogs learned to squat or leaned against withered fence posts so the wind wouldn’t blow them over when they lifted their legs to pee. The piss dried instantly on the sere dirt, then blew away before the dogs finished. Shadows as black as tar huddled protectively in the shallow dunes that lined the few buildings left on the main street. Most of the windowfronts were as empty as a fool’s laugh, while those with glass were etched in formless shapes by the sharp, ghostly wind. The red bricks of the Farmers Bank and Trust had faded to a pallid pink, held in place by desiccated, crumbling mortar. A ‘32 Ford sedan idled in the bank’s alley, as dusty as the rest of the heaps parked in front of the bank. A humpbacked man as small as a child sat behind the wheel, smoking a ready-roll. Only a pro would have noticed the low chortle of the reground cam in his engine. Nothing moved down the street but a mismatched team of mules slowly pulling a wagon with a large Negro in overalls and a canvas-covered bed.
The heat-stunned silence was shattered by a single gunshot. Four armed men backed out of the bank, carrying a canvas laundry bag and pushing along an old lady in a feedsack dress and a young girl in white ruffles.
“And stay down, you damn hayseeds!” the red-headed one shouted. “We’ve got hostages!”
The group scrambled into the sedan, the last man firing a shot into the bank’s front window, then the car sped down the dusty street and around a corner after the wagon with its plodding mules. The crumbling sidewalk in front of the bank slowly filled with a group of confused customers and tellers huddled together like the survivors of a natural disaster. A red-faced man, holding a handkerchief against a bloody knot on his bald head, shoved through the crowd, and stared into the dust cloud into which the bank robbers had disappeared.
“One of you fools get that worthless old bastard out of my bank,” he ordered.
“I believe the sheriff’s a-dyin’,” one of the tellers ventured.
“Not in my bank, he isn’t,” the banker said. “We can’t afford to bury the idiot now.”
A frail old woman with a hooked nose said to no one in particular, “I believe Mr. Baines was sweet on that poor widow woman.”
“How the hell did they know to come today?” the banker muttered, his words lost on the gritty wind.
~ * ~
On the seventh day, Mabel had nearly slipped into an exhausted sleep when she heard the bluegum Geechi boy, Sledge, rack the slide on the sawed-off Ithaca 12-gauge pump. The hard sound slammed through the thin walls of the farmhouse. She knew what that meant. All too well. One of the gang in the nonstop poker game downstairs had pulled a gun. Probably the red-headed prick. Absolutely against all her rules. Mabel sighed, rolled over, and kissed Baby Emma’s rosebud lips. Even in her sleep, Baby Emma sucked on Mabel’s tongue briefly, then nipped it with her tiny white seed-corn teeth. Mabel wanted to follow the sleepy kiss — even cupped Em’s tiny, pert breasts with the rosehip nipples — but she had business to take care of. Baby Emma was twenty but easily passed for ten or eleven. The girl-child seemed built of warm and creamy vanilla scoops, and the blond ringlets curling in a tangle around her face looked like thick caramel drippings. Mabel touched her lips again, softly, not wanting to wake the young woman too quickly. Even smashed on sloe gin and laudanum, the girl’s breath reminded Mabel of the soda fountain in Ogallala where her goddammed father had been the local blue-faced, morphine-addicted pharmacist. The memory made what she had to do easier. She wished she could keep the kid out of it this time — Baby Em seemed to like it too much — and she hated to lose the gimp, but they all had to go. “Get ready, sugarplum,” she said, then slipped into her clothes piled on a ratty dresser.
The gang had been holed up in the sugarbeeter’s house since they had taken down the Farmer’s State Bank for almost sixteen thousand. That was the way she always worked. The smart ones didn’t run after a job. They holed up nearby for at least two weeks. That was always the hard part, that two weeks of waiting. The easy part was finding a failing farmer with no children and a defeated wife to take them in for a price. It was 1932, and almost anybody would do anything for a price. Of course, the final payment was always a .22 short in the eye and a sack of lime in the root cellar.
As Mabel considered how to deal with this new bunch, she knew she had plenty of time to change into her grandmother clothes. The boys always seemed more likely to obey her when she looked like an old woman rather than a lush ex-whore in her mid-thirties. She gathered her thick red hair into a knot, and stuffed it under a gray wig. She bound her slightly overripe body into an old woman’s girdle and a bra stuffed with sand-filled socks to make it seem as if her breasts drooped almost to her waist, all of it covered with a dress sewn from chickenfeed sacks. Her long, slim legs were sheathed in thick gray stockings, and her feet laced into ugly, thick-heeled granny shoes. In this outfit, she and Baby Em made the perfect hostages. Then Mabel added the last touches: a black straw brimless hat, ringed with cloth flowers, attached to the wig with three heavy hatpins, and a .22 Derringer up her sleeve.
Baby Em stripped butt-naked. Either she didn’t like blood on her nightclothes, or she liked the warm splatter on her pale, perfect skin.
~ * ~
The scene downstairs was much as Mabel had imagined. The farmer and his wife, as pale as bleached bones, huddled behind the icebox, shaking so badly that the water in the melt tray shimmered as if a cold breeze were sweeping across the worn plank floorboards. A handful of cards had been scattered across the kitchen table, and several stacks of chips tumbled into piles. The largest pile was in front of Fast Freddy Okrentski, the tiny, gimp-legged humpback, who had laid down a false trail for the police and dumped the car while the gang rode out of town in the back of the farmer’s wagon covered with a tarp.
The brothers, Crazy Al and Bruno Zale, the muscle, had small neat stacks of chips in front of them covered with their huge hands, hands so large they made their Smith & Wesson .38 revolvers look small. The brothers were large-jawed pug-uglies out of Nutley, New Jersey; men with the kinds of faces who, when they threatened death to the hostages, looked as if they might enjoy the feel of blood, bone chips, and brain matter dripping off their craggy smiles.
Carter Docktrey — the smooth-faced red-headed little shit from Terre Haute, who thought he led the gang, who thought he was God’s gift to women, and who thought he knew how to play poker — stood in front of his overturned chair, his chip stack flat and his military Colt .45 semiautomatic pointed at Lindsey. Mabel knew that Carter’s rod was mostly for show; the arrogant turd never cleaned the piece so it usually jammed after the first round.
She also knew that Lindsey, whose light blue eyes were as cool as ball bearings in a snowstorm and whose usually smooth forehead was wrinkled slightly, no more than a soft gust of wind across a still pond, was a stone killer. A single drop of sweat slipped off his bald head, over his furrowed brow, to land with a light click on his cards. His hands were under the table and more than likely had the .410 he carried strapped to his calf pointed at Carter. The little shotgun had been cut down to pistol size and loaded with tacks. To be gutshot that way ensured an endlessly painful death, so in a way she’d be doing Carter a favor. The slick little bastard hated Lindsey, who always cased and organized the jobs, because Lindsey was both smarter and calmer than Carter. So this was about them, and had little to do with Freddie the gimp, who probably was dealing seconds. He was as nimble with cards as he was with cars.
The scene was as still as a photograph. Of course, nobody had moved because Sledge stood in the corner, the Ithaca 12-gauge leveled at the table. At this range, a couple of rounds of the double-ought buckshot would have swept the room clean.
Mabel considered the scene, then, smiling, stepped behind Carter and picked up his chair. She grabbed his shoulders firmly and gently eased him into the chair. Then she took the pistol from his hand and set it in front of him.
“You’re not going to be needing this,
honey,” she said softly, then turned to the bluegum and nodded.
Sledge returned the nod with a smile. He and Mabel had been a team since the cathouse in East Memphis where they worked had been burned down by a drunk Baptist preacher, and they went into the bank-robbing business. It had been good to them. Sledge had a small chicken farm outside Tacoma, and Mabel owned a roadhouse north of Bellingham where Canadian whiskey was easy to obtain.
Mabel turned back to Carter, rubbing his neck gently with her left hand, her right hand touching her hat. “Now what’s the problem, honey?”
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