"I have nightmares." Phoenix finally said. "Of that afternoon, almost every night. It's like this horror movie on repeat and the part that really sucks is every time, every damn time, I scream at myself to make a different choice. I watch myself hurt—" His voice cracked. "I watch myself hurt you, I watch myself turn into this monster and every time I can't help but think, if only I could stop it this time, it will be okay. If only I could stop—" Phoenix shuddered, closing his eyes as he rocked back and forth. "I hate the dreams, Trace, but not as much as I hate myself."
Slowly, I inched my hand across the mat until my fingers collided with his. It's funny, I thought his hand would be cold, lifeless, I thought his touch would scare me.
Instead, his fingers were warm, his hand rough but strong. He gripped my fingers so tightly I almost winced, he gripped them like I was the only thing keeping him above the water.
"Trace—"
"Phoenix," I interrupted. "Maybe we should just start over, I don't know this guy, this one you are right now. I never had the privilege of meeting him." I elbowed him in the ribs. "And the thing is, he's kind of great."
"Yeah?" He licked his lips and glanced up at me through long eyelashes. "You really think so?"
"I know so."
He lunged for me, enveloping me in such a tight hug it stole my breath away. "I would like that, a lot."
I hugged him back just as tight. "Me too."
CHAPTER SEVEN
Nixon
"Dude, turn up the sound." Chase moved around me and started playing with the monitor.
"Stop." I smacked his hand. "They need privacy."
Tex and Chase just stared like I'd lost my mind.
"Did you hear that?" Tex tilted his head while the gum dropped completely out of Chase's mouth. "Privacy? Did he say privacy?"
Chase still wasn't speaking. I could tell he was fighting a losing war in his head. He'd been just as pissed if not more when everything happened with Phoenix and then marrying Mil had helped alter his view a bit of what had happened to Phoenix as a kid to make him the way he was, but I think, just like me, he had this uncontrollable rage, this need to shoot the guy for everything he put us through.
"Chase?" Tex nudged him. "You alright?"
"I'm thinking about it," Chase finally answered, stretching his arms above his head and letting loose a string of curse words. "Trusting him is hard, Nixon."
"So is dying," I said honestly. "Our lives are hard. Everything about what we do is hard, Chase."
We all fell silent.
Tex was the next to speak. "I know you guys know this, but Phoenix basically saved us all, he's proven again and again we can trust him and the guy just hugged Trace like she was on her death bed. I know we've forgiven him, I know it's water under the bridge, I know it still sucks, for everyone, just because the pain is still there doesn't mean we can't move away from it, learn from it."
I smirked. "When did you get so smart?"
"I married your sister." Tex winked. "Oh and I'm kind of the Cappo so yeah there's that too."
"There he is." Chase coughed.
"Did I pass?" Another voice interrupted. I nearly fell out of my chair trying to stand to my feet while Chase and Tex moved out of the way.
Phoenix was leaning against the door, his face impassive as if he knew the whole time we'd been spying on him.
"Yeah, Nixon." Chase turned to me. "Did he pass?"
Tex grinned, facing me too, the bastard.
I rose from my seat and shrugged. "It was never a test."
Phoenix nodded once. "She knows the basics so we'll probably only train three times a week now to get her to pro level."
"Pro level?" Chase asked.
Phoenix smiled. "Yeah Chase, pro as in, good enough to kick your sorry ass."
Tex held up his hand for a high five from Phoenix while Chase scowled. "You aren't supposed to make her better than me."
"Like that's hard." I laughed.
Chase lunged for me, I ducked just as he tried to punch me in the jaw, then grabbed him by the waist pushing him against the wall.
Tex swore then jumped in followed by Phoenix.
"What the hell!" I yelled. "No biting!" I elbowed Chase in the chin while Phoenix pulled Tex away from Chase.
"Boys." Trace said from the door. "They never change."
"We have fun parts." Tex felt the need to point out. "Like you really want us to change, that."
I let out a low growl. "Talk about parts again in front of my wife and you'll be the recipient of shiny new ones, capiche?"
Tex grinned, lifting his hands into the air while I approached Trace and kissed her across the forehead. "You sure you're okay?"
"Sure I am." She grinned then peered around me. "I'm going to be able to kick Chase's ass finally!"
"A little too early to celebrate." Chase said from behind me. "But dance if you must."
She wiggled a bit in front of me. Rolling my eyes I lifted her into my arms and helped her wrap her legs around me. "How about we take that dance elsewhere."
"Yes." Chase coughed. "For the love of God, take it elsewhere."
"Like he should talk," Tex murmured. "Oh and PS you made our lamp fall down last night."
"Earthquake." Chase called. "They happen in Chicago."
Phoenix was standing silently by the door, his look pensive. "She hurt you or something?" I kept my voice light, but I could tell it wasn't helping his mood. Instead he shoved away from the wall, his expression indifferent.
"Phoenix?"
"Just tired," he finally said, pulling his phone from his pocket, when he looked at the screen he paled.
"What?" I still had Trace in my arms, but I was ready to jump into action if I needed to. "What's wrong?"
"Oh nothing…" His eyes flashed. "Just babysitting duty."
"You got a kid we don't know about?" Tex teased.
Phoenix blushed. "Yeah, something like that. I'll catch you guys later, and Trace…" he paused in the doorway. "Good job today."
"Thanks." She beamed.
Phoenix nodded to us and walked briskly out of the room.
"So." Chase coughed. "Not weird at all, what's stuck up his ass?"
"Sure as hell isn't a woman," Tex commented. "The guys like a monk these days, won't drink, rarely swears, and I'm pretty sure he actually said a prayer before eating yesterday."
"Someone should." I rolled my eyes. "Bye guys, I've got official…" I hefted Trace higher. "Business to attend to."
"Nice." Chase laughed. "Good wording, that's not suggestive at all, be careful we don't need any kids up in here."
Trace sighed and looked directly into my eyes. It felt like we were sharing a giant secret, one that probably would happen sometime in the near future and for once it didn't scare me, but it sure as hell made me walk a lot faster down the hall towards our bedroom. After all, what kind of boss would I be if I wasn't thorough? What kind of husband… if I wasn't seeking to constantly please my wife.
I slammed the door behind me and dropped Trace to the floor.
"So about those kids…" She teased then lifted her shirt over her head.
"Keep talking." I commanded, not caring that the guys knew exactly what was going on… as far as I was concerned it was none of their business and she? She was finally, finally, all mine.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Rachel Van Dyken is the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, and USA Today bestselling author of regency and contemporary romances. When she's not writing you can find her drinking coffee at Starbucks and plotting her next book while watching "The Bachelor".
She keeps her home in Idaho with her husband, adorable son, and two snoring boxers. She loves to hear from readers.
Want to be kept up to date on new releases? Text MAFIA to 66866!
You can connect with her on Facebook at facebook.com/rachelvandyken or join her fan group Rachel's New Rockin Readers. Her website is www.rachelvandykenauthor.com.
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www.rachelvandykenauthor.com
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