by Leaona Luxx
“Ha! Alright, whatever.” I sip my wine, needing to keep my wits about me. “What’s up?”
“You’ve probably already guessed, but I don’t have a ton of friends. Since I came home, everything has changed for me, and it’s been hard to work on friendships, well, any relationship actually.”
I frown, wanting to ask him everything all at once. “Why would you say that?”
“I have no memory of my life before, and now I’m not sure I want to know anything about it.” He picks at his nail, avoiding making eye contact.
“I can’t imagine not knowing who people are or what they mean to me, let alone who my loved ones are… were.” My heart clinches, throbbing to be released from this ache for him. He always appears so torn, heavily laden with strife. Maybe even a tad of regret.
Creed swirls his glass, staring at the liquid within like he’s been hypnotized. “I have a tough time with Kathryn, her face is always full of hope and love. All I can offer her is a smile that never meets my heart, nothing to tug on it, and remind me she’s my mom.”
“M-may I ask what happened?” I peek at him from lowered lids, feeling as though I’m intruding.
“Ambush,” he swallows hard, making his Adam’s apple bob. “my entire team is gone, and I was taken captive.”
I reach for him, hesitating before touching his hand. “I’m so sorry, Creed.”
“Thank you,” he lays his hand over mine. His touch sets my soul on fire. It races toward my heart, setting my veins ablaze with a frenzied desire burning in the pit of my belly. I’m fixated as I stare into the deep blue color of his gaze mixed with a stormy gray of pain.
“How long were you there?” I take a quick gasp of air when his fingers press into the back of my hand. He’s not hurting me, it’s the pain written on his face that’s gripping my soul.
“A few months,” he grinds his jaw. “long enough to never want to go back or try to remember what happened.”
I tilt my head, hoping to disrupt his thoughts. I want him to not only hear me but understand what I’m saying. It works. “You only need to do what’s best for you, Creed. Anyone that loves you… will wait.”
“It’s been two years; I still have no memory or a flicker of recollection.” I watch as tears shimmer and dance with his thoughts in his deep blue seas. My shoulders slump as a heavy feeling in my chest weighs on me.
“Not to be rude, but how do I fit into any of this?”
He contemplates my question much longer than I like, finally staring at me. I search his face, looking for the answers I know he isn’t capable of giving me right now. After a minute, a grimace distorts his features.
“It’s fairly simple,” he half shrugs. “I can’t stay away from you. I’m drawn to you; when I’m away from here, I can’t stop thinking of you. I don’t have any idea how this will work out or if it even will, but what I do know is that I have to be near you.”
My mind is pulled in a different direction, following my heart as it runs after old memories and pain. A place I’ve made damn sure I would never be lost in again. Even as I sit here thinking of walking away, I know one thing’s for sure, Creed’s right about this. I need him in my life, at least for now.
“Would you consider being friends until we can figure the rest out?”
“I can try, Scar.” His hand tightens around mine. This time, there’s no pretense in our words. Our hands' clasps, holding on to one another.
“I can’t promise you more, not right now.”
Creed’s expression softens, though his brows are pulled tight. “I used to think I was the most guarded person on earth, until you. I get it, I do. It’s not just about you, there’s Emmie to consider, but you have to admit there’s something here.”
“He left us. Alone, without anyone or anything.” I fight to breathe. My lashes battle the gathering tears, as my body wrestles with the memories of my past. The pain is almost unbearable, as if my flesh is being ripped from my bones. These cuts are the deepest, and are still unhealed.
“I need to know you understand this enigma we’re in, to know our souls are matched, and the pain we feel is real.” His face is marred with agony, revealing to me the torment he’s lived in for so long.
“You do know me, or my heart, at least. While you struggle with the decision to regain your memories, I’m bound by mine. They seize me, refusing to allow me to live… to love freely.”
Memories of the man I lost plagues my every thought before coming to me in my dreams, taking the peace I seek day and night. All to wrap me in their arms, holding me hostage. Reminding me that I am alone and adrift, leaving me empty handed of the one thing I want to give Emmie. His love.” My chest constricts, helping to close my throat and strangle my sobs.
For that, I’m grateful. This pain, as clear as it is on my face, is not for the faint of heart. It’s personal and pure. Not easily attainable, or hard to keep. Nor is it to be shared with someone that can’t recognize it.
His finger catches a tear as it runs down my jaw. Though hesitant, his hand caresses me, while his thumb soothes my redden cheeks. When my eyes flicker to his, he smiles, and I’m lost to him.
“You need to know; I’ll be your friend for as long as I can be, but I want more. I need it.” His intent is as clear as his words.
My pulse races from the heat of his touch, the mere connection of our skin, disrupting the cadence of my heart. I’m caught in a trance, losing myself deep into this feeling of comfort and safety.
There, in place of solace, I find all the reasons this will never work. His tortured mind is no match for the agony my heart has been left in, we are not meant to be. Our troubled pasts are only supposed to help us both to move on from where we’ve been stuck.
“Creed, I can’t promise you anything more than this, here and now. When he left, he took everything. I was lost for so long, I had nowhere to turn. I don’t think I can live through something like that again.”
“I’m not leaving.”
“Pretty sure he didn’t plan on leaving either.” My heart drops to the floor with a thud. “Besides, I have Emmie. I have to give her twice the amount of what most mother’s do.”
“So, give me what you can, because I plan on giving you everything I have until you have your fair share.” He smiles coyishly before nibbling on is lip.
“Creed, you have so much to work through, and I’m not positive this is a promise you’ll be able to keep. At least, not until you can move forward or know if you even want to.”
“I see the same doubt and fear in my parent's faces every time I visit. They have no idea if I’m coming or going, if I’m here to stay or if one wrong move or mention of my past, I’ll leave and never come back.” Creed’s words are full of pain, mirroring his face.
“And those are the things I’m trying to protect us from, can you understand that?” I pick at imaginary lint on my shorts. “What happens if you suddenly remember who you are, and we don’t fit into that narrative?”
“The last few years have weighed on me like concrete sitting on my chest. One day, I work so hard on figuring out who I am and then like waves crashing into the shores, I’m in the clutches of the fear of remembering who I am and how that fateful day unfolded.” His shoulders curl, folding in on him as he closes off to everything.
“I keep a puzzle on my table, putting it together slowly until the final piece is left. It’s then, I walk away from it. I’ve never finished one in two years. The thought of facing what happened and if I had a hand in the lives lost wreaks havoc on me.
“Then I turn to be faced with if I never regain who I was, will my family accept the person I am now? Or will they grow bitter because they never get to have their son again, the one they remember? I’ve run for longer than I ever should’ve, but I don’t know what else to do.” He trembles, evident with the quiver in his voice. His focus is distant, far removed from this room or moment.
An ache builds in my chest to hold him, to protect him from himself. The pain h
e holds deep stirs my fears, warning me of things to come or what may never.
“If there’s one thing I do know, going back never works. Move forward, whether you remember who you are or simply want to build a new life. It doesn’t matter which of you shows up, just that you do. No one should ask for more.”
Creed’s eyes flutter to mine, gazing into them so deeply, he unveils my soul. “Then, move forward with me. The man I am now, and the one I have yet to be because you and Emmie are all I’m asking for right now.”
Chapter Sixteen
Creed
I could stay in this moment forever. Here, with her holding onto me. I’m not sure why I feel like I’m safe with her, but she brings me a peace that I have never known.
“I’m here, but as I said, it’s all I have to offer right now.” Her brow furrows.
My heart races with hope, and even though my gut twists and turns, warning me to wait, I push for more. “And where will that lead us?”
“I don’t know, Creed.” She shrugs slightly, turning her face away from me. “Everything in me is screaming we’re never going to work, but like you, I can’t walk away.”
“I understand, it’s for as long as time will allow.” My face falls with my stomach. She’s rejecting me before I can even tell her the worst parts of me. Maybe she can see it, as transparent as the veins beneath my skin. My sins run as deep as my blood.
“It’s not- “
I hold my hand up. “Please do not say those words to me. Let me live with a shred of dignity.”
“Oh, stop!” she slaps my arm, knocking it down. “You’re so dramatic!”
I clutch my chest over my heart. “I hope you know how to do CPR because you’re killing me.”
“I bet you’re always like this, odd and a bit quirky.” She scrunches her nose as the corner of her eyes wrinkle.
“Fine, I’m kidding! What were you gonna say?”
She picks her nail, contemplating how to ask her next question. “Do you have any idea how you lost your memory?”
“Amnesia.”
Her brow quirks. “Ya think?”
“I’m kidding, of course, I know, or at least I’ve been told.” She shifts, scooting closer to me as she leans in. “A combination of a couple of things, blood loss from bullet wounds, and a blast that rocked the hell outta my noggin. Hit me so hard, I can’t remember who I am.”
“So, it’s TBI?” Again, her expression dulls.
I nod as fear grips me as I think what she’ll do with the knowledge to understand what she’s getting into. Will she run when I tell her everything? “Yes, traumatic brain injury to my parietal and temporal lobes.”
“That’s a tough blow. How are you handling all of this?”
“Are you wanting to know if I’m insane or ready to fly off the handle? Or are you asking if I have flashbacks or triggers you need to steer clear of?”
“I’m asking how you are in general, it’s a lot to deal with, but apparently you need to start with why you’re being an asshole first.” She spins, ready to run. I grasp her wrist, pleading with her to stay.
“I’m sorry. It’s a subject I always hate having, most people ask ignorant questions. I live in fear someone will think I’m going to go into a rage and hurt them.”
“Have you… had any problems?” Her eyes dart toward the wall behind me.
I shake my head as I answer. “No, I haven’t. I do have dreams, but nothing seems to trigger me. So far, no true flashbacks. Nothing in real-time or to throw me off and send me reeling.”
“Just as I thought,” she yanks her hand free. “you’re harmless!”
Before I can respond, I’m waylaid upside the head with a pillow. Scarlet’s on top of me, pelting me with hit after hit. I can’t get ahold of her well enough to stop her assault.
I duck, wrapping her up around the waist and roll onto the floor. Our laughter echoing around us, helping to egg us on and keep the fight going. I finally get her wrestled down, holding her arms over her head.
“Gotcha!” I hover over her, spellbound as I’m ensnared in her beauty. As if on cue, Emmie lets out a battle cry. Scarlet scrambles from the floor, running down the hall.
“I’m coming, little lady.”
“And I wanted to…”
Scarlet walks back into the room with Emmie, cutting my thoughts short. “Please, don’t teach her any more of your special words.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I bat my lashes, feigning innocence.
She rolls her eyes as they crash into the couch. “I don’t think I’ve ever woken her up, must be the company I’m keeping.”
“She’s good, maybe a little badas…” Scarlet’s head whips around, glaring at me. “asterisk is what I was going to say. No bad words here, no ma’am.”
Scarlet’s eyes narrow. “You’re going to make me regret this, aren’t you?”
“Never!” I clasp my throat, offended. “Em, and I are going to be great friends.”
“Are you planning on making her your cellmate? With the mouth you have, she’ll have to join the navy just to fit in.”
“Well, I have never!” I cover my mouth with a gasp, doing my best southern belle impersonation.
Scarlet trails a path up my body, lust filling her eyes. Desire courses through me the moment our gaze locks. “I bet you have, and I guarantee it wasn’t nice.”
“There’s something to be said for being bad once in a while.” I cock my brow.
“And I have the proof of that.” She inclines her head to Emmie cuddled next to her.
“That you do, but what a beautiful thing she is.” I ease into the seat beside them, Emmie stares at me for a brief second and then reaches for me. “Ahhh, what do I do?”
Scarlet giggles. “Hold her, unless you don’t want to.”
“Why would she want me to do that?” I say as I lift my hands toward her. She climbs over to them, and I pull her closer. She nestles into my chest, nuzzling my neck. “Oh, my.”
“What?” Scarlet’s eyes flicker from Emmie to me.
My chest constricts, making my breath hitch as I’m engulfed with emotion. Emmie’s easy going spirit and unconditional love, pours from her heart, filling mine.
“She’s a thief.” My heart races when Emmie melts into me.
Scarlet’s face drops, her smile fading. “She is not, she wouldn’t hurt a soul.”
“You don’t understand.” The words leave my lips as a murmur, a hymn of healing and love.
“What is it?”
“I’m a goner.”
Scarlet rubs Emmie’s back, smiling softly. “I warned you.”
“Obviously, you lack the ability to clearly state her dominance in situations such as these.” I press my cheek on the top of her head. “Oh, dear Lord, help me; I think my heart just imploded. How can she smell so good and feel so perfect?”
“Babies… they tend to do this to everyone.”
“Now I understand why there are condoms, this will have you feeling like you want to produce a million of these little creatures.” My body relaxes as she settles into my arms.
Scarlet nods. “Yeah, it sure will give you the cute and fuzzies.”
“I’m seriously thinking you didn’t fully articulate her powers of persuasion; this girl needs a warning label on her at all times.”
“She’s asleep again, want me to get her?” Scarlet sits up, adjusting herself. The large L shaped couch could fit ten people, but then I feel like it’s a love seat.
“Ahhh, no.” I slouch in my seat. “Is it too late to switch which Morgan I fall in love with?”
“She’s the safer bet, and don’t worry, she’ll not break your heart.” Sadness clouds Scarlet’s features.
I tilt my head, staring into her eyes. “Meaning you’re going to break mine? This thing is just starting, and you’re already trying to get rid of me? Harsh.”
“Whatever happened to a test drive? Or like the sample trays? Do I have to decide right now, or can I g
et a thirty-day trial period? Actually, I’m not sure we should wait, I hear broken hearts build character.”
I raise a brow. “Am I not character enough for you now?”
“I couldn’t imagine you not being enough for anyone.” Her one-sentence answers are playing with my emotions. There’s so much meaning into each one, I can’t begin to decipher them all.
“I can say the same for you. A veterinarian, a single mom, and lest we not forget drop-dead gorgeous. You are an incredible woman, Scar.”
Her brows pull low. “Do you give everyone you know a nickname?”
“No, but I have a feeling you’re going to stay with me forever, much like a scar or tattoo. Something I’ll look at years to come and have many fond memories of.”
Her shoulders slouch. “What if they’re not good?”
“As you say, I can’t imagine you being in there and them not be good.”
“I bet your parents have a hard time with all of this.” Scarlet slides a little closer to me, sitting back when she does.
I shrug her questions off, giving a half answer. “Yeah, I guess it would have to be.”
“Creed, I can’t fathom someone not loving you. I bet they lose their minds each time you leave.” She twirls a lock of Emmie’s hair, speaking without thought.
A heaviness grows in the pit of my stomach, it’s not an unfamiliar feeling, just not one I equate with my parents. Until now.
“I suppose they do worry if I’ll ever come back, it’s not like I tell them whether I will or won’t. Damn, you’re right, it has to be hard on them.”
“I miss my parents every day, and now that I have Emmie, I think I miss them even more. They would’ve loved her, and watching her grow.” Her eyes fill with tears, near breaking their barriers.
I wet my lips, working up my courage to ask her something so personal, when I’m so guarded. But Scarlet makes it impossible to not want to know everything about her.
“May I ask what happened to them?”
She loses the good fight, and her tears break, running down over her cheeks. “House fire. My dad got me out and went back after mom, but they didn’t make it.”