by Leaona Luxx
“You can’t force memories, Creed! And as for telling you what we think happened, it wasn’t our job. I did a favor for my friend, Crawford. The rest was for your commanders to decide; we had no control over what they did or didn’t do. That’s not how this works, never has, and never will.” He seethes.
Mark steps between us as my veins act as a conduit for my venom. “You all stood by and allowed people who haven’t the smallest of an idea what I – we have been through, that will never understand what it means to lose your lifeline on the battlefield. Reckless much?”
“They do the same thing for every man or woman that walks through their doors and pledges to bring honor and justice for this nation. You can be angry about the message, but don’t think for a second the messengers haven’t stood in the very spot you find yourself. We all have our crosses to bear, Creed, and the wounds run deep.”
I stumble back when his words hit me, sending me reeling. “I’m a SEAL, I know the price. I just didn’t realize whom I paid it to.”
“Hatch, we’ve all paid for the same damn thing. You’re not different, the situation is. If you think anyone in this room wanted you to go through what you did, you’re wrong. Just as the family you were born into, we are your family too.” Quinn bares his teeth, straining his words. His words stunned me, dragging me lower into this hell that is my life.
“My parents knew?” I glance around the room and find my answer. “Wow. Is there anyone I can trust for the truth?”
“You want the truth? You talk of trust, but I’ve often wondered if you know the meaning. These people aren’t dismissive of you. They’ve done everything possible to help, including your family! We’ve all done what we felt was right. They risked their lives, lost their jobs, and set their families aside for you. And you dare talk truth and trust?” Drew’s head hangs in disgust. Or is it contempt for me?
“Yes, Drew! Yes! Isn’t there anyone that stopped to think I might need the truth? To trust me to know it?” I grit my teeth, fisting my hands to keep from beating the hell out of something. “I need to leave.”
Mark steps in front of me. “Man, just chill for a second before you go storming out of here. You’re not in the mindset to drive or much of anything else.”
“That’s for damn sure, I’m not in the mindset for this shit anymore.” I brush past him, barreling through the door. I stop cold in my tracks, seething as I look in the direction of Aaron’s room.
“Go, Creed. He’ll wait.” Jackson’s voice is clear, speaking directly to my demon and banishing him for now.
I grind my jaw as I spin on my heels and sprint toward the exit. The doors swing wide, and I hurl myself through them. The faster I can get away, the better off everyone will be.
As I climb into my SUV, there’s no doubt where I’m going or whose arms, I need to be in. I throw it in reverse, slamming it into drive and tear from the parking lot.
“And here I thought I had been lost the last two years, now I know it’s because I had nowhere to call home.” I speed toward the interstate, getting as far away as I can from here.
A quick stop to grab Doc, I yank my bag from the floor I left there last night. I don’t care if it has clean clothes or not, I’m making my escape, there’s no time to waste.
A few hours later, I’m turning onto her street. The house has a warm glow about it, a welcome for this weary soul. I can’t recall how I got here; this entire day is a blur.
I park by the curb, opening my door for Doc, and I slide from the seat. My legs are as heavy as my heart—doubt swirls as I climb the steps. I hope I’m not more of a burden than she can handle.
Just as I’m about to knock, her door opens, and she throws her arms around me. Doc slips between us and into the house. In all this time, my vision of home wasn’t anything like this. There wasn’t a fiery redhead, or a little girl so sweet she’ll steal your heart.
I thought of my parents’ home, not one of my own. I dreamed of solace, acceptance, and for someone to take me as I am, not as they remembered. Here, in her arms, I find me.
Home is not a place or the things in it. It’s a person, the warmth of understanding, acceptance, and love without condition.
“Are you alright? I wasn’t expecting you since you didn’t call.” She tugs me through the door. It’s more like I fall through it.
“I had nowhere else I wanted to go.”
She tilts her head, reading me quickly. “Do we need a drink for this?”
“Two,” I kick off my shoes. “better yet, bring the bottle.”
Her eyes widen as she scurries into the kitchen. “Please, don’t wait for me.”
“No way, I’m not goin’ anywhere without you again.”
She hands me a glass; I decide on her instead. I sweep her off her feet and head to the bedroom. I lean her over the nightstand, and she places the bottle and glasses down.
Without hesitation, I drop her onto the bed, falling to her side. Her arms are around me as I bury my face into her chest. Her scent lingered on me for the last few days, I’ve missed her more than words can say.
“My human is hurting.” She whispers.
I drag in a deep breath, letting it burn my parched lungs. Tears spring to my eyes and hate fills my gut. I wallow the words around, disgusted with the taste of them.
Still, I know they’re better out than they are left in where they fester and rot. In the dark, I didn’t have to face my demons, but now that my sins are brought to light, I stare them down.
“Everyone knew the answers to the questions I’ve held at bay thinking, no believing, they would be the end of me. I’m still not sure this won’t finish me off.” I roll to my side, sitting up to pour a drink. I take a swig, before filling my glass again and handing one to her. I lean against the headboard, and Scarlet sits next to me.
She sips her whiskey, weighing her words. “I’ll understand if it’s too much to explain right now, so all I need to know is if you’re okay?”
“I am not.” I throw back my drink, setting the glass to the side. “I’ve lived in fear of facing whom I am and being accepted for it or rejected for who I no longer am.”
She lowers her gaze. “So, you regained some of your old self today.”
“And lost so many others.”
“Why do you feel like you’ve lost?”
I sit up, my anger ebbing and flowing fluently. “No one told me we had a missing team member. The time I’ve wasted waiting for any type of recall or notion about that day could’ve been spent on searching for the one responsible.”
“So, you remember everything now?” Her brows pull tight.
“Certain things, parts of my life. I don’t know why, but I have a clearer picture of the ambush and who was there. Kinda like the most recent things, or the more memories I have with someone, I recall them easier.”
“Playing like a movie reel from the fifties, it’s outtakes and current events.” She wets her lips as I nod. “Have you talked to anyone to see if you can remember more?”
“Hell no! I’m so fucking livid right now. Who does that to a person? To make the decision for them as to what they’re told. This is my life!” I shudder, sickened with all of them.
Scarlet’s lip begins to tremble. “You’ve been robbed of so much, and your family has lived a nightmare, I understand why you would feel this way. I’m sure I would too.”
“I’m sorry, Scar.” I lay my hand on her knee. “I hope I’m not frightening you, I’m just so angry with all of them. I feel like I’ve been living a lie. Even better, that everyone has been lying to me.”
“I can see how that would make you think it and believe it to be true. But what if…” Scar averts her eyes. “it was done outta love, Creed?”
“Explain to me how this equates to love?”
She blanches. “If the doctors and the navy said it was best not to tell you, to allow you to remember on your own terms, how is that wrong of them?”
“I may not recall lots of things, but I can s
ay that’s not the love I remember wanting to be a part of or needing.”
“You, your family, and friends, all of the experts agreed that the best thing for you to do was to take your time and allow you to regain it on your own. How can you blame anyone else?” Scarlet dries her face with the back of her hand. I didn’t realize that she’s been crying.
I pull her into my lap, helping to dry her eyes. “I’m okay, or I will be. For two years, all I’ve heard is that I need time. After today, I’m convinced of it.”
“Yeah, I suppose I would need it too.”
“I’ll never be the man I once was, that much I do know. I don’t think I’ve changed much, but I’m not sure how much I’ll trust people again.”
“Even your family? The guys? Why would you not?” Her face is marred with fear and hurt. Maybe she thinks I’ll change without them in my life.
“I can’t explain it, Scar. They may not have flat out lied to me, but they directed my life and the content of it. How am I supposed to become whole again without all of the pieces to do so? They made that choice for me with no consideration about how it would affect me.”
“Of course, yes. That must be horrific.” She nods sniffling.
“Please, don’t worry.” I lift her chin, pressing my lips to hers. “Maybe after a good night’s sleep, things won’t feel so hopeless.”
“Agreed.” She slumps, finally relaxing. We curl up in one another’s arms, and unlike the night before, I don’t toss and turn.
“Hatch! Hatch! This way! Roll out! Roll out now!” The darkness is like walls as each word bounces off them, echoing around me and leaving me disoriented. There’s anguish infused with them; I’m gutted. Feeling lost, I search the dark for hope… for home.
“Creed?” The soft words echo around me, and longing fills my chest. I gasp when it clenches with the pain of missing something or someone. She sounds broken, much like me. “Creed… come home. Find your way back to me.”
I jolt awake, panicked, and sweating. I scan the room, finding my bearings as quickly as I’m jarred to life. Scarlet is on my left, still sleeping. I scrub my hand over my face, forcing myself to shake the dreams off.
In the distance, I finally register the little voice calling to me. I ease from the bed, traipsing through to Emmie’s room. Still torn with the thoughts of my nightmares, I tiptoe over and lift her into my arms.
“Mmmm dddad.” She mumbles.
“This we can agree on. Nightmares suck!” I nestle her to my side and sit back in the rocker beside her crib. “How about a story?”
“Naannaa ddddad.” She giggles.
I nod with understanding. “One-day young lady, we’re gonna have a long talk about your language.”
My eyes float around the room, looking for a book to read. There’s a nightstand on my right, I pull the drawer open searching for something to appease her.
I shuffle the things around, only to come across a photo frame. I turn the light on, flipping it over to see what’s in it. My chest tightens, immediately cutting off my air.
I drop the picture, scrambling from the chair. Emmie starts crying from my stunned reaction. I’m catapulted into the past, throwing me off balance, I fall against the crib and into the floor.
“Creed?” Scarlet runs into the room, reaching for Emmie. I release her, and Scarlet sets her in the bed above me.
She kneels, checking me over. “Are you okay? What happened?”
I can’t speak. I can barely breathe. The room spins out of control, and I’m deafened by the train barreling toward us. All I can see is the wreckage that’s left behind. Her. Me.
She crawls over to it, her hand shaking as it hovers above the broken square. She turns it to the front and gasps. Scarlet crumples to the floor, sobbing as if her heart is breaking. It mimics mine, shattering from the scene playing out in front of me.
She struggles to her feet, clearing the path for me to bolt. And I do. I fight to stand, stumbling out the door. I rush to the bedroom, jerking on my pants and grabbing my shirt and keys.
“Doc.” My breath hitches on her name, as the memory of why I call her that comes to mind. My body is wracked with grief as I struggle to stay upright and get out of the door.
Scarlet follows me through the house, I yank my shoes off the floor and pull the door open. I have to get away, there’s no time for formality. Doc slips through before I can make a clean break.
Scarlet’s hand lands on mine, grasping on to it. “Please, stay.”
“I thought you understood me, Scarlet. I will not live with betrayal.” I wrench my hand away and jump from the porch. I don’t stop running until I’m in my SUV and tearing down the road. I drive as fast as I can, getting as far away from her as I can.
“She’s worse than the rest of them. She destroyed me.” I’m gutted.
My stomach twists, filling with bile from her treacherous actions. Again, I’ve trusted someone with my life with no moral compass. All she ever had to do was be honest with me.
Some people will believe a lie before the truth because it holds more than hurt. They fester and rot, even after being unearthed. Telling the truth may cause pain, but once it’s out, you can begin to heal.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Scarlet
“Do you have any idea what you’re going to say?” Reese’s question cuts like a knife, not that she meant it to.
I swallow hard, my answer is barely audible. I know what I need to say, or better, explain. He needs the truth about the photo he found of us in Emmie’s nightstand. I want to give it to him, but only if he’s willing to listen.
“No.”
“Are you going to ever tell me what happened?” Her nose wrinkles.
“Yeah, but Creed deserves to hear it first. That’s if he’ll listen to me and not toss me out on my ass.” Which is what he has every right to do but I pray he doesn’t, I love him.
“Flash him that firemuff ya got, and he’ll go down like a champ.” Her brows waggle.
“Please. Do not help. Just drive, it’s the only thing I need help with right now.”
When Creed left the other night, I waited by the phone, hoping he’d call. Three days, twelve hours, and thirty-six minutes later, he still hasn’t. I didn’t even recognize his face; he was so hurt.
Creed thinks our stories are so different, little does he know, we share the same pain. My heart knows his because of the gut-wrenching agony we have both endured the last two years.
Reese touches my arm, my eyes flicker to hers as tears roll down my cheeks. “Did he hurt you?”
“No, he would never.” I sigh as slowly as my guilt dissipates. “This was me.”
“Since when have you ever caused anyone this much pain?”
“Three days, twelve hours, and forty minutes ago.” My stomach sinks.
“Down to the minute? Damn girl, I know I’m a good lawyer.” She side-eyes me, hoping I’ll laugh, knowing I won’t.
“You think that’s funny? Wait until you hear my answer.” I bite the inside of my cheek, praying I don’t start crying again. “I may need one before this is over.”
She gapes at me. “You’re scaring me! What in the hell is going on, Scar?”
“Not yet please. I may have hurt Creed, but I’m crushed. I’ve destroyed everything.” The fissure in my chest breaks a little more every time his face flashes in front of me. I’ve never seen pain like that in my life.
“Scarlet…” I look at Reese as she inclines her head toward the front of the car. He’s walking Doc, she slows, and we wait for him to go inside.
I latch onto her hand, squeezing it. “Please say a prayer, send good vibes, pin a four-leaf clover in my hair but whatever you do, give me the strength I need right now.”
“Tell your truth, the rest is up to the Good Lord above, babe.” She leans in, kissing my cheek. “And Mable, my baseball bat in the trunk.”
“After today, I think you should stay away from Emmie for a while or at least until you get some anger man
agement.” I take a deep breath and step from the car.
“Anger management? Mable is my anger management!” She smiles at me coyishly. And this is my attorney, folks!
My heart skips a beat, stealing my breath. With every passing hour, I miss Creed more than the hour before. His light drives away the night; it holds my darkest secrets at bay and helps to guide me home.
The past few weeks have given me a reason to hope—something I haven’t had in such a long time. So many people think they know the real person after meeting someone for a few moments.
As I walk closer to Creed, I understand why many think it. They watch you in those minutes and only see what you allow them to glimpse. In this world, there are many types of love.
One for the lonely. A kind for the broken. Some for the abused. That of faith. The kind that frees you. And then there’s our love. One that spans across the ocean, which separates us.
A version so unusual, many think it’s impossible. No one in the world believes they’ll meet their soul mate and never part. The thing is the world fights against what it doesn’t understand.
And they don’t understand us.
My hand trembles as I raise it to knock on the door. A shiver washes over me as I face this demon that keeps trying to break us. Fear coils in my belly, filtering through my body, and feeding my doubt.
A quick rap with my knuckles, I step back and wait for all hell to break loose. The door opens slightly, through the crack I hear Creed talking to Doc.
“Hang on, I’ll let you check them out.” He turns, and his face falls, taking my heart and hopes with it. “No, Scarlet. I’m done.”
The door starts to close, so I jam my foot in the opening. “Yes, Creed. Because we’re not done, not yet. But after I say what I need to, then it’s whatever you want.”
“I said no.” His features are like stone, much like his cold words. I wince, as both chill me to the bone. Good thing, my heart is already broken, right?
“You need to hear me out, I have my own truth that has never been heard. I wanted you to be the first to learn them, and believe me, I have many issues with trust, because of you.” My chin quivers with each word. His jaw tightens, and my heart stops for a brief second as I wait for his response, He steps back, widening the opening for me.