by Jane Fallon
‘I can’t!’ I almost shout. ‘Tell me.’
‘OK. Calm down. They said that I must be mistaken because Hugh doesn’t have clients. He works in – get this – the accounts department. He’s an accountant.’
I sit there open-mouthed. ‘Are you sure?’
‘That’s exactly what I said. “Are you sure?” And they said of course they were sure and would I like to be put through to someone else, or leave a message so one of the actual PR people could call me back? So I made up a name and number and got off the phone.’
‘What the actual fuck?’ I can’t take it in. All the stories about famous people and fabulous dinners and swanky parties. Are we supposed to believe that the company is so generous – or so fucked up – that it has been sending the accountant to represent them? That David Summers would ask a bloke who does the payroll to rebuild his image after all the rumours swirling around about him threatened to destroy his family-man image?
‘Exactly.’
‘We must be missing something,’ I say.
‘Maybe Hugh is related to someone famous and that’s how they get the invites. Or he’s blackmailing them all. He knows all their secrets through the company and he’s been threatening to tell unless they give him and Roz free canapés and champagne.’
I sit back in my chair. Smokey immediately jumps on my lap. ‘This is weird.’
‘Maybe it’s like that Michael J. Fox film where he works in the post room but he’s somehow managed to convince potential clients that he’s an executive …’
I give her a look.
‘OK, so maybe it’s not like that …’
‘So she’s still lying. It’s still all bullshit, it’s just different bullshit.’
Dee nods. ‘I’m afraid so. I have no idea what it means but she certainly isn’t being as honest with you as she claims she is.’
‘Does it matter though? I mean, so long as she’s stopped trying to stitch me up at work, do I care?’
‘How do you really know she’s stopped though if you can’t believe a word that comes out of her mouth?’
‘She can’t be making it up. Not all of it. Not for all these years …’
She shrugs. ‘Stranger things have happened.’
Something occurs to me. ‘Do you think Hugh’s living a whole big lie too? Pretending to all their friends that he’s something he’s not?’
She thinks about it for a second. ‘Or he has no idea. That would be my guess. The idea of the pair of them going round lying to everyone is just too weird.’
‘Do you think he’s even left her?’ I say. ‘Is that a crock of shit as well?’
‘Time for a conversation with Hugh, I think,’ Dee says with a wicked smile on her face. ‘Don’t tell me you don’t want to find out?’
24
‘How can I?’ I say, once I’ve absorbed her statement. ‘He might have seen pictures of me. Me and Roz always used to take stupid selfies.’
‘Not you. Me. Or, to be more precise, Gav. Hugh’ll let his guard down much more with a bloke.’
I twirl my earrings round and round. Realize I’m doing it and force myself to stop. ‘No way will Gavin be up for this.’
‘He is. Totally.’ She sits back and looks at me, eyebrows raised.
‘What? The two of you have already decided? He’s just going to walk up to him and introduce himself?’
‘We haven’t worked out the details yet.’
I actually laugh, this is so ridiculous. But then I’m hit with a wave of misery. So this isn’t all over. ‘To what end though? What’s the point?’
Outside there’s a crack of thunder. An appropriate sound effect for my mood. Smokey slides off my lap and slinks under the table. ‘Aren’t you curious?’ Dee says.
I shrug. ‘I suppose so. I just don’t want to get sucked into it all again.’
‘You won’t. This has nothing to do with anything that’s been going on at work.’
‘So why bother?’
‘Oh my God, Holly. How can you not want to know what’s going on? Roz has been telling you stories for three years about how successful Hugh is. I mean, not just in the abstract. All the details. The names of his clients. The dinners. The parties.’
‘I still think a lot of it is probably true. I mean, obviously not the clients bit. But he’s well connected through family or something. Accountants can earn a lot, can’t they? Remember this is the woman who lied about being from a council estate because she was embarrassed about having gone to a posh school.’
She shakes her head. ‘It’s psychotic.’
‘No. It’s just a bit sad …’
‘Either way. I’m not going to sleep till I find out.’
I lean over and fill her glass. ‘You’re too nosy for your own good.’
‘Come on,’ she says. ‘I could dine out on this story for years.’
‘How many clients does Hugh look after?’ Lorraine asks innocently. Lorraine is completely besotted by Hugh, I’ve come to realize, or at least the idea of him. It suits me. It means she brings him up at every available opportunity and I don’t have to. I sneak a look at Roz to see if she’s OK with having to keep up the pretence that they’re still together or if she needs me to step in and change the subject, but she looks completely at ease. We’re in the meeting room, waiting for everyone else to arrive.
Roz screws up her face. ‘God, I don’t know. I want to say about twenty, twenty-five.’
‘Wow.’ Lorraine takes off her new red cats’ eye glasses and cleans them on her (red) jumper. ‘What would happen if they all had some big crisis blow up at once? I mean, I know it’s unlikely, but it’s possible, right?’
‘That’s why he keeps his list fairly small,’ Roz says. ‘But he has a whole team of people working for him, so they’d take some of the pressure off.’
I stop myself from saying, ‘What, they’d calculate the National Insurance for him? Or would they work out the pension contributions?’ Instead I go for a non-judgemental head nod. Given how devastated Roz apparently is by Hugh’s leaving she seems to have no problem acting as if all is fine between them in front of Lorraine.
‘And I suppose some of them spend half their time in America and have American press people as well, don’t they?’ Lorraine chips in. She’s clearly been paying attention to Roz’s shtick.
‘Exactly,’ Roz says. ‘I know what you’re saying but I think realistically it would just never happen.’
‘Still. It’s a lot of responsibility.’
She shrugs. ‘That’s why they pay him the big bucks.’
Lorraine nods sagely. ‘How long did it take him to work his way up to having the kind of clients he has now?’
‘Oh God, let’s think,’ Roz says. I wonder if she already has a whole fake timeline for Hugh’s career in her head, or if she’s grasping around trying to make sure that whatever she comes up with makes sense.
‘He started there, ooh, at least five, six years ago, I think. He’d been at MPP before though. And before that he worked in a bar for a few years because he didn’t know what he wanted to do.’
Lorraine nods, lapping up the detail. ‘So how did he go from pulling pints to PR? That’s quite a change.’
Roz is saved by the arrival of Emma, Juliet, Joe and Glen all at once. ‘It was before my time, but I think one of the MPP guys used to drink in there. Something like that. He had to start at the bottom, obviously. Work his way up.’
‘Ooh,’ Lorraine says, a Pavlovian response to seeing Emma. ‘Is there coffee?’
‘I’m just about to make some,’ Emma says without a hint of irritation.
‘Maybe you could help her, Lorraine,’ I say with a smile. I almost laugh when I see her affronted expression. I know she wants to protest but she wouldn’t dare to in front of the boss. She huffs out in Emma’s wake.
I’m coming over tonight. No arguments. Big news! Huuuuuge!! Be there 7.
I text back OK and Dee replies within seconds: Oh my fucking God, you are not
going to believe this!!!
I assume it’s something to do with Hugh’s job, that Gavin has carried out his mission and found out Hugh isn’t even the accountant, he’s actually the cleaner or something. I’m curious but, to be honest, I’m feeling so relieved that Roz and I have a detente that I don’t really care what she’s exaggerated about any more. So long as it doesn’t affect me. What does it matter if Hugh is rich because he has a good job or because his daddy has money?
I send back See you later xx and leave it at that. I know my lack of curiosity will drive Dee mad, but I also know she wouldn’t tell me by text if I pushed her anyway, so I don’t feel too bad about it.
She’s waiting on the steps when I get home. Dominos box in hand.
‘How long have you been here?’
‘Five minutes. Open up, the pizza’s getting cold.’
‘You were early then,’ I say defensively. ‘Because I’m not late.’
‘I didn’t say you were.’
I follow her down. ‘No Hattie?’
‘Doesn’t look like it,’ she says as I unlock the door. Smokey greets us with an indignant yowl. We head into the kitchen and I fill his bowl and then both Dee and I grab slices of the mushroom and anchovy pizza without even bothering with plates.
‘Go on then,’ I say, half a slice down. I hadn’t realized how hungry I was.
She pulls off a square of kitchen roll. Places it on the kitchen table with the uneaten portion of her slice on top. ‘Honestly. This is officially insane now.’
‘Hugh is actually a woman?’
She throws me a look. ‘So …’ she says, in her element. ‘Gav basically stalked him to a café at lunchtime …’
‘Did he take a day off for this? I hope he’s not going to lose his job because of me.’
‘He was off today anyway. Shut up and let me tell you.’
‘Carry on. I’ll be quiet.’
She takes a theatrical breath in and continues. ‘He hung around outside Fitzrovia PR for about an hour with only that picture from Roz’s Facebook to go on, but, anyway, eventually Hugh came out, on his own thankfully, and went to this greasy spoon round the corner. Luckily he didn’t just go in to get a sandwich to take out, he sat at a table …’
She waits for a reaction from me so I just nod encouragingly. Help myself to a second slice of pizza.
‘So, Gav goes up to him and says, “Hugh!” as if he knows him. Clearly Hugh doesn’t have a clue who he is. So Gav says, “I’m a friend of Roz’s. We met at that party.” I mean, can you imagine Gavin doing that? I’m very impressed with him.’
‘It’s nice of him to get involved,’ I say, because it is, even if it’s unnecessary. I do notice though, that Dee’s eyes are shining when she talks about him. Something that hasn’t happened for a very long time.
‘He’s loving it, honestly. It’s like he’s a different bloke.’
I laugh. ‘Maybe he should start a new career as a private detective.’
‘Anyway. I’m getting to the good bit. Hugh just says, “Oh, right. Hi,” as if he’s not really that interested but Gav sits right down opposite him anyway and orders egg and chips. Hugh’s trapped there because he’s got food coming too. Apparently at one point he says that he’s waiting for someone to join him – because they’re on a table for two – and Gav just says that’s OK, he’ll move when they get there. Ha!’
‘That is pretty crazy,’ I say, because it is, and because I feel as if I should be showing more gratitude for the lengths they’ve gone to. ‘Did they ever show up?’
‘Yes, but not for ages. I’ll get to that. Gav says he decided he just had to go for it because he realized he didn’t have long and Hugh was clearly a bit irritated because he doesn’t know him from Adam. So he just says, “How is she?” about Roz, and Hugh says, “I haven’t seen her for ages,” which, you know, makes sense with everything she’s told you …’
We both jump and I think I even let out a little scream as Hattie suddenly appears in the doorway.
‘I didn’t hear you come in,’ I say, laughing at my own ridiculous reaction. ‘How long have you been here?’
‘I just got here,’ she says. ‘I’m going straight out again. Hi, Dee.’
‘Hi. Anywhere nice?’
Hattie screws up her face. ‘Yoga. My friend persuaded me. I just came home to get changed.’
‘God, rather you than me,’ I say. I wait for Dee to offer up a random story about a yoga-related A and E incident, but she’s too wrapped up in the story she’s telling me to be distracted.
Hattie waves a hand towards her bedroom door. ‘Well, I’d better get changed …’
‘Have fun,’ I say.
‘See you later.’
Dee opens her mouth as if she’s about to launch back into her story, but I flap a hand at her and whisper, ‘Wait.’ The story has got so mad now that I really don’t want to share it with Hattie or anyone else.
Dee takes the opportunity to finish her pizza slice and pull off another one, which she sits on the piece of kitchen roll.
‘Do you want a plate?’ I say.
‘Not unless you want me to use one. I can …’
‘I don’t care either way.’
‘OK. Well, this is fine.’
She takes another bite and so do I. We sit there saying nothing until we hear the click of the lock and footsteps on the steps.
‘It must be like living with a magician,’ she says. ‘One minute there’s nothing there and then boom! There’s a person in the doorway.’
‘I have literally never known anyone to be so quiet,’ I say. ‘Anyway, carry on with what you were telling me.’
‘OK, where was I? Oh yes, so Hugh says he hasn’t seen her for a while and Gav says, “Oh yes, I heard you’d split up. I’m sorry.” ’
She looks at me for a reaction, but I don’t know what one to give, so I just look back at her blankly.
‘This is where it gets really insane. Apparently Hugh looked a bit confused so Gav goes, “Sorry. Maybe she wasn’t meant to have told me,” and then Hugh says …’
She leaves a long pause and I imagine a drum roll. We’re clearly coming to the crescendo.
‘… “I think you must have me mixed up with someone else, mate. Roz and I have never been a couple …” ’
25
Whatever I was expecting Dee to say it wasn’t this.
‘What the actual fuck?’
She sits back triumphantly. ‘That’s exactly what I said.’
I still can’t compute what she’s telling me. ‘Do you think he misunderstood what Gavin was saying?’
‘No. Because, obviously, Gav was a bit mind-blown, but he thought he’d better make sure he’d heard what he really heard, so he said, “Have I got you totally mixed up with someone else? Didn’t you and Roz Huntingdon” – he remembered her surname, I was so impressed! – “get married in the Caribbean somewhere? About two or three years ago?’ and Hugh apparently laughed and said, “Jesus. No. Not me.” So Gav said, “You are Hugh Whitehall, aren’t you?” just to be sure, and Hugh said yes he was. But by this point he was looking a bit suspicious, like he wondered why Gav was asking all these questions, and then he said, “Where did you say we met again?” and Gav was trying to think of an answer when Hugh’s friend turned up and so he thought he’d better cut his losses and get out of there quick. He had to leave his egg and chips behind.’
I’m at a complete loss for what to say. I’ve been listening to Roz tell stories about her fabulous life with Hugh for three years now. ‘Do you think maybe he’s the one lying? Like he hates her so much he can’t even admit they were ever together?’
Dee shakes her head. ‘Gavin said he seemed totally confused. Not like he was hiding something.’
‘So all that stuff the other week. Her crying and saying they’d split up …’
‘Lies,’ Dee says. She takes a big bite of pizza. Wipes her mouth with a tissue.
‘Unbelievable.’
‘I t
old you it was huge.’
I pull apart the last two slices. Put one on Dee’s kitchen-roll nest and take a bite of the other. ‘Why though? What’s it all about?’
Dee shrugs. ‘I think she knew you were on to her. You’d got too close to home and she wanted to throw you off the scent.’
‘Well, it worked. Shit, so it wasn’t genuine, was it, the apology? Fuck’s sake. I still can’t trust her.’
She pulls an apologetic face, worries at her fringe. ‘I don’t think so, no.’
I feel as if the rug’s been pulled out from under my feet. How could I have been stupid enough to fall for Roz’s bullshit again? I think of her laughing to Lorraine. Telling her how easy it was to fool me again. Stupid Holly who’s such a soft touch she falls for a few tears. I think about how worried I was about her. How bad I felt for what I thought she was going through.
I tune back in to what Dee’s saying.
‘… so he was thinking maybe he could go and talk to him again. But be upfront this time …’
‘What? Sorry …’
‘Gav,’ she says. ‘He wants to go and talk to Hugh again. But this time be straight with him. Well, straightish. He says he didn’t get the impression they were great friends so he could probably get him to agree not to say anything to her.’
I think about this for a second. I don’t need to probe any more into Roz’s life. I know she’s still lying to me and that’s all that matters. I know she’s untrustworthy. I know she’s gunning for me. Still, the temptation to find out just how extensive her lies are is almost irresistible. Who even is this woman I’ve been working with for the past three years? Sharing drinks and secrets with?
And I realize that I want to pay her back. I want to hurt her. I want to expose her stupid fake life. I want to make her feel she has no option other than to resign and leave me to get on with my job. I hesitate a moment. And then I say:
‘Tell him I think it’s a great idea.’
I’ve made a decision. There’s only one person I know who distrusts Roz as much as I now do. She’s known her the longest. I can’t deal with this on my own. I need a work ally, or at least someone to confide in. Someone who knows Roz. It wouldn’t be fair on Emma. She’s the assistant, she works for us all equally. Joe is too new to really have any valuable insights. So Juliet it is.