Stacey didn’t stick around for long. Even though I said she was more than welcome to crash our dinner, she disagreed, saying we needed time to catch up.
Derek picked out the best steak house in the whole city, and I was more than willing to let him pay for it. Plumbers didn’t make the kind of money that Derek did, and most of my paychecks went toward Dad’s medical bills.
“It’s really damn good to see you, Jax. We should start making visits more often. Once a year doesn’t feel like enough anymore. Especially with Stacey being such a family girl. She was horrified when I told her we only saw each other once a year,” Derek said, cutting into his ribeye.
“You’re more than welcome to come down to Havenbarrow,” I replied, to which he scrunched up his nose. His reaction was no surprise to me. I knew that Derek hadn’t any plans of returning to his hometown. Not even to visit me. Too many of his demons lived there. Truthfully, I didn’t blame him for not wanting to revisit them.
“You know that’s too hard for me, Jax.” His voice dropped a little. “But you’re always welcome here.”
“I know. I’ll make more of an effort to get out this way, too.”
Maybe I’d bring Kennedy to meet him and Stacey. The fact that bringing Kennedy up to visit was even a thought shocked me. The fact that it made me so happy shocked me even more.
“Or, you can just take a position at my business firm. You know I’ll always make room for you, and it wouldn’t be some bottom barrel position. You can work beside me, be a partner.”
I laughed. “I don’t have a business bone in my damn body, Derek. The idea of making me your partner is insane. I’d ruin your business in a heartbeat.”
“I could train you. Seriously, Jax. We could make a great team.”
I cocked an eyebrow. “Why do we have this conversation every year I come up here?”
He sighed and put his silverware down. “I want more for you than your life back in Kentucky.”
“My life is fine down there. I have my business.”
“That was Cole’s plumbing business—not yours,” he argued. “You only took it over after he had his first stroke, because for some reason you feel as if you owe that bastard something.”
I always felt like I did owe my father something because I killed his wife. Seemed reason enough to keep his business going. “I’m good at it.” I shrugged. I knew Derek would never understand it, but I actually did enjoy my job. I was good at it and didn’t see me quitting any time soon. “Why are you always pushing me to leave Havenbarrow?”
“Because it’s a shit town. You don’t need that place in your life.”
I didn’t feel like arguing with him. We only had so much time to hang out. The last thing I wanted to do was fight.
“Subject change,” I said, shifting around in my seat. “How about a little more about this Stacey woman.”
Derek grinned like a schoolboy with his first crush. The conversation grew lighter, and after he finished telling me all about Stacey, I informed him all about Kennedy.
“No shit,” he breathed out, stunned. “That same girl you were crazy about as a kid?”
“That’s the one.”
“That’s right out of a Nicholas Sparks movie or something,” he joked. “So, she’s your girlfriend?”
The question lingered a bit in my mind. We didn’t really talk about labels, but it was no secret that Kennedy was mine, and I was hers. At least in my mind she was mine, and I didn’t see that changing any time soon. “You could say that.”
He kept smiling like a dork. “This is good stuff, Jax. Look at both of us. In relationships with good women. Mom would be proud.”
The mention of Mom tightened my chest a little as guilt hit me. “She should’ve been about to attend your wedding, Derek…” I swallowed hard and looked down. “I’m sorry I took that from you.” I took a lot of memories from him, and I hated myself for it. Mom was never going to meet her grandchildren. She was never going to take part in the mother-son dance at our weddings. She was never going to know how much success Derek had found.
“Stop it, Jax,” Derek scolded. “Don’t do that shit, okay? Don’t carry that on your shoulders.”
“It’s hard not to when I’m the reason—”
“You’re not!” he hollered, making other people turned to look at us both. His voice was loud and powerful as his face turned red from his annoyance. Then, his voice cracked as he lowered his volume. “You’re not responsible for that shit, Jax. It was a long time ago, and you can’t hold that on your shoulders forever. It wasn’t your fault. Someday you have to let that go.”
“I don’t see that ever happening. I’m the reason she’s gone, Derek, and I love you for acting like I’m not, but I know better. Anyway, sorry for bringing it up. Let’s change the subject.”
The easiest way to upset my brother was by saying I was responsible for Mom’s death, but he was there. He was out there in the woods with me when I pulled the trigger. He knew what went down. There was no denying what I’d done.
Still, it tore him up inside to know that I blamed myself. Therefore, I’d do my best to not talk about it, especially when my time to visit with him was so short. The rest of the night was spent, trading stories of our past and talking about the future. Before dinner was over, Derek asked me a very important question that I was more than honored to answer.
“Jax, will you be my best man?”
29
Kennedy
I missed Jax. I felt like a broken record with the amount of times I told myself I missed him, too. It blew my mind how much I could miss someone that hadn’t even been in my life that long. I did my best keeping busy, though, and thankfully, the words were still flowing.
Most of my weekend was spent in the library, with breaks to go get lunch at Gary’s Café. Marty was more than willing to chat with me some about my writing. It turned out he wrote for fun, too, and mentioned we should have writing nights if I were up for it.
I liked that idea of having someone to talk to if I was stuck on my plot line. Then, during any down time, I’d think about Jax—write, eat, Jax. Wash, rinse, repeat.
On Saturday afternoon as I ate my second slice of red velvet cake at the café, I smiled brightly when I noticed Connor outside passing out flyers to passersby. I didn’t know what he was up to, but I knew he was hustling. I’d never met a kid with such a strong work ethic. When he came barging into the café, everyone greeted him with bright smiles, because Connor was loved by everyone he knew.
“Hey, Kennedy!” he said, smiling ear to ear. “How are you doing?”
“Great, Connor. How are you? How’s your mom?” I asked. A few days ago, Connor told me that his mother was fighting cancer and doing a great job at the battle. When he talked about his mother, he spoke as if she was the greatest woman alive. I loved that about him. There was always something special about a boy loving his mother.
“She’s doing really good actually! I have no doubt things are on the up-and-up.” He held out a flyer and business card toward me. “Speaking about being on the up-and-up, I was wondering if you’d leave a Yelp review for JAC Landscaping.”
I raised an eyebrow at the business card and couldn’t help but laugh. “Does Jax know that you started a business while he was gone?”
He smirked. “I thought it would be better to surprise him with the news when he got back to town. Keep it on the down low, will you? I already have a few new clients reaching out to us after they saw your work in progress.”
“He’s going to kill you, Connor,” I snickered, shaking my head.
“Yeah, well, what else is new?” He glanced at his cell phone. “Sorry to cut this short, but I have to get down to the church to pass out these flyers. They are just getting out of choir rehearsal, and I’m sure Jesus would love some of them to have blessed lawns. Bye, Kennedy!” He disappeared as quickly as he arrived, passing out flyers to anyone who walked pass him.
Jax was going to be thrilled by his new busi
ness.
After finishing my cake, I left the café, I noticed a woman struggling with a stroller as she dropped her diaper bag and all the goods went flying across the sidewalk. Without thought, I hurried over to help her.
“Here you go,” I said, gathering up her things as she thanked me.
“Oh gosh, thank you so much. Sorry, I’ve been pretty scattered lately and didn’t realize I didn’t zip up the bag,” she commented. “And with another on the way, I’m sure it’s just going to get worse. Mom brain and all.”
I looked down to her stroller where not one, but two babies were sitting. One was in a deep, peaceful rest while the other howled. My mind grew blurry and I took a step backward as I shook my head.
She tilted her head as she stared my way. “Are you okay?”
My lips parted, but I couldn’t say anything. Words weren’t coming to me as the panic attack began to climb in my chest. It wasn’t fair. She had two babies—and another one the way—and I didn’t have my Daisy.
Daisy.
She was gone because of me.
It was my fault.
A tear slipped down my cheek and the woman’s eyes widened in panic. “Oh my gosh, are you okay? I, did I say something? Are you…”?
“So-sorry,” I muttered, still staring at her scroller. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe, and this time Jax wasn’t there to walk me home.
The woman followed my stare, and her nerves only rose as she witnessed my eyes glued to her children. She quickly gathered the rest of her things and hurried away.
Move, Kennedy. Go. Stop it, I told myself. But nothing was happening. The panic was too big for me to run from. When a hand landed on my shoulder, I jumped to turn and see Amanda standing behind me.
“Are you okay?” she asked, confused by my sudden odd behaviors.
“I—I…” I swallowed hard. All I could do was shake my head. I felt so stupid. So weak. So lost. Amanda linked her arm with mine and led me to a bench across the street. We sat, and she waited out the panic that overtook me.
“Put your head between your legs and breathe,” she ordered. I did as she said, giving her no words, because it all felt like too much for me. She stayed beside me until my breaths returned to normal, and embarrassment replaced my fears.
“Thank you,” I muttered, sitting back up as my heartbeats continued to race.
“What’s the matter with you?” she snapped, looking at me as if I’d grown two heads. She was looking at me the same way Penn stared at me. As if I were a freak of nature.
“Sorry. I sometimes have panic attacks.”
“Why?” she questioned dryly. I was sure she was wondering why Jax would pick someone like me. Someone so damaged when she seemed so…whole.
“I…I went through a trauma last year. I’m still trying to work through it.”
She frowned. For a split second, I thought she felt bad for me, but then she spoke her truths. “Jax needs better than you.”
“Excuse me?”
“I mean it. He’s dealt with enough shit in his life, and now dealing with his asshole father dying, he doesn’t need someone with baggage. He’s already dealt with enough. Why would you even put your issues on his doorstep?”
My chest tightened as I sat back, stunned by her words. “No, I…I’m working through my issues. I’m not putting anything on Jax’s shoulders.”
“You are, though, and it’s completely selfish of you. And based on your current panic attack in public, it’s clear you’re not working hard enough on your damn issues. If you cared anything about him, you’d give him space and let him deal with the fact that his father is dying. The last thing he needs is some random girl’s drama.”
She didn’t say another word. She simply stood and walked away, leaving me sitting there stunned by her words.
I hated that they affected me. I hated that I started doubting myself and my relationship with Jax because of Amanda’s comments. What if she was right, though? What if I was making things harder for Jax? He’d been through so much. Why should he deal with my emotional breakdowns, too? What if Yoana was wrong with her concern about Jax making my situation worse? What if I was the problem?
What if I was a problem that could never be fixed?
I went home that night and overthought everything. Sleep never found me that night, and the next morning when Jax came back to town, I made sure I was too busy to see him. I needed to figure out my issues before I showed up to his doorstep. He was already going through so much on his own. It wasn’t fair if I allowed my issues to weigh his world down.
30
Kennedy
I stayed in the library for the next few days, telling Jax that I was too busy working on my novel to meet up with him. Every time he asked me if I were okay, I lied and said everything was fine. I still didn’t know how to face him after my interaction with Amanda, even though all I wanted was to be in his arms to receive his comfort again.
That Tuesday, I stayed in the library for so long that I hadn’t even noticed it’d started to rain while I was working. When Hunter came to kick me out of the library for the day, I was overwhelmed by the amount of rain that was falling around me.
My first thought was to call Jax, but I knew I couldn’t do that. Instead, I pulled out my cell phone and used the Cuber app Connor had told me to download weeks ago. I entered ‘diamond’ for the promo code, and I couldn’t help but smile when it worked.
Connor was young, but he was beyond intelligent. His app was brilliant.
I tried my best to not let the noise of the rain bother me as I waited for Connor’s car to pull up in front of the library. When it did, I hurried down the steps and hopped into the passenger seat. My heart was already beating quickly in my chest, but I tried to control the panic.
“Hi there, Kennedy! Welcome to Cuber, the next big thing in transportation. Can I offer you a water? Maybe some mints? I have some magazines if you’d like—”
“I’m good, Connor. I’d just like to get home as soon as possible.”
“You got it. We at Cuber love to give the passengers exactly what they want, so I will have you home in no time. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.”
Not very likely.
The rain hammered overhead as Connor drove us down the road. I hated the rain, hated how its cries beat down on the car with aggression.
My hands were clasped tightly as I closed my eyes and took in deep breaths. We’d be home soon, and I’d be back inside, and everything would be okay. I would be okay.
I’m okay.
Every time the thunder roared, my heartrate skyrocketed. I could hear the song blasting on the speakers from all those years ago. I could hear Mama singing in the seat beside me. I could’ve sworn Daisy and Dad were singing along with Mama in the back seat.
Connor’s phone dinged, and my eyes shot open.
“What was that?” I asked, panicking as my heart lodged firmly in my throat.
Connor smiled toward me and shrugged as he looked down to his console. “Just my phone. I bet my mom is wondering where I am.” He reached for his phone as the rain hammered the car.
“No! Stop!” I shouted. I put my hand over his cell phone, and he paused, looking at me with a raised eyebrow. “Look at the road. It’s raining too hard, and you shouldn’t check your phone.”
“Don’t worry, Kennedy—I’m a professional at this,” he said, yanking his phone up as he began flipping through it.
My heart pounded aggressively against my rib cage, trying to claw its way out of my chest, and I shook my head. “Pull over,” I ordered.
He raised an eyebrow. “What?”
“Pull over! Pull over! Pull over!” I shouted, pounding the dashboard with the heels of my hands. I couldn’t breathe. My mouth sat agape as a rush of panic swallowed me whole. “Please, Connor! Please pull over, pull over.”
“Okay, okay!” he said, pulling the car over to the side of the road. He put it into park, and I hopped out of the vehicle as fast as I could.
I headed toward the trees on the side of the road as the rain poured down, and I bent down, wrapped my arms around my legs, and rocked back and forth, paralyzed by fear. It was happening again. It was happening again. I was losing them. I was losing them all over again.
* * *
“She started freaking out, man, and I can’t get her back into the car,” Connor said to someone after another car pulled up. I shivered in the chilly rain as thunder roared overhead. I couldn’t move. I’d been trying to move for the past fifteen minutes, but I couldn’t. My body was frozen in place as the rain pummeled my skin. Each droplet ignited a flashback, and each flashback heightened the panic shredding my soul.
It had been so long since I’d experienced a panic attack to this degree. I was supposed to be getting better. I was supposed to be finding my way to a new beginning. I was writing again. I was happy. At least, I thought I was happy.
Yet, there I was, curled in a ball under an oak tree, unable to move due to the flashbacks of my horrors.
“Okay, I got her,” a deep voice said, calm as day. He walked over toward me and bent down in front of me. “Hey, Sun,” Jax said, giving me his half-grin. “What’s going on?”
“I-I-I…I ca—can’t bre-brea…” I took a deep breath in as I wrapped my arms around my body and rocked back and forth.
“Breathe,” he said, nodding in understanding. “You can breathe. You are breathing. It’s just a bit erratic. We should get you out of the rain.”
“I can’t…the car…I c-can’t get in a car right now.”
He didn’t arch an eyebrow or show any signs of judgment as he watched me in the midst of my panic attack. He didn’t ask questions or tell me I could climb into the car and be just fine. He didn’t undermine my feelings or fears, and he didn’t tell me to just push through it the same way my ex used to do. He was the calmness in the middle of my hurricane.
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