“Oh, yeah. I forgot that was okay. I bet that’s why he’s here, though. I’m sure he’s having a celebration drink for his deadbeat father. Is that what you’re doing, Jax?” Lars asked, marching toward me and placing his hands against my shoulders.
My hands gripped the glass and I stayed quiet.
“Lars, come on. Let’s grab a table and eat,” Amanda begged, as if she was surprised by the fact that Lars was being a dick. It was in his DNA. “Leave him alone.”
Did she really believe that was something Lars was going to do? He hadn’t left me alone ever in our lives. Why would he take it easy on me that evening? Besides, Lars’ favorite pastime was kicking people when they were already down.
Nothing like beating the fallen with a stick.
“How about you get a table, and I catch up with an old friend.” He ordered.
“I’m not your friend,” I muttered.
He tilted his head toward me and moved in closer. “What did you say?”
Amanda took a few steps toward us. “Lars—”
“Go,” he said, giving her his cocky smile.
I looked over to Amanda. Her eyes were filled with concern. I wasn’t sure if the concern was for me or herself.
“Don’t let him talk to you like that,” I softly spoke. “Don’t let anyone talk to you like that.”
“Jax,” she started, and Lars once again cut her off.
“I said get a table,” he snapped.
How did she end up next to him? She was better than that. She deserved better. Based on the way she dropped her head and went to find a table for the two of them, she didn’t know that she was better off without him.
She knew I wasn’t a fan of Lars. I couldn’t help but wonder if she went for him to try to get my attention.
“Does it bother you?” Lars asked me, still not backing up. “Me fucking your ex-girl?”
“Dude. Are you serious right now? We’re almost thirty. How about you get over this shit already?” I muttered. “It’s a bit old.”
“It must be killing you. Truthfully, I’m surprised Amanda stayed with you as long as she did. And you know what? After I’m done screwing her, I’m going to go ahead and screw your new chick, too.”
That took it too far. “If you step anywhere near Kennedy,” I hissed, turning his way.
“Ohh, there he is.” He smirked. “The beast is waking up.”
“What do you want from me, Lars?”
“I want you to leave this town. We’re better off without your toxic ways. And you think you’re slick? Starting up a landscaping business? Taking my client?”
“I’m not starting a landscaping business,” I mumbled.
“Then what the hell is this?” he barked, tossing a business card my way.
I picked it up and tried to focus my stare the best I could. Of course, Connor made business cards and was handing them out around town. I should’ve known he’d end up doing something stupid like that.
“It’s not real,” I told him.
“It’s real to me when people talk about getting quotes from another business. I can’t have you out here taking money out of my pocket.”
“Nobody’s taking your money,” I groaned. I was too drunk for this. Why was Lars even talking to me? Didn’t he have a date to get back to?
“Of course, you’re not, because you’re a deadbeat, just like your dead ass father. Nobody in this town wants to work with you, outside of having you fix their shitty toilets. A shit man handling shit, that’s all you are. I wish you would’ve shot yourself when you killed your fucked-up mother,” he whispered, his voice low and coated in venom.
And just like that, the numb parts of my soul lit up inside of me as he spoke about my mother. “What do you want, Lars?” I snapped, standing up from the stool. “You want me to flip out? You want me to lose it? You want me to fight you? You want to make me out to be an asshole? Fine. Here, I am, Jax-fucking-Kilter! The asshole who killed his mother. The asshole who got beat by his father. The asshole who has nothing. You want the monster in me to come out? Here you go! Have at it! Give me your best shot,” I hissed, holding my arms out wide open. What did I have to lose?
“You really want to do this, Kilter?” Lars asked, seemingly surprised.
No. I didn’t want to fight Lars. I didn’t want to do anything. I was drunk, everything was spinning, and the numbness that I held was fading away.
I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter,” I mumbled.
“What’s the matter with you, huh? Why are you such a weird fucking guy? Why are you always mumbling?” Lars barked. “I don’t know how Amanda put up with that.”
I didn’t want to deal with him. I didn’t want to deal with anyone. All I wanted was to be left alone.
As I turned to walk away, Lars gripped my shoulder and whipped me around to face him. “I’m not done talking to you, asshole!” he shouted, and without thought I slammed my fist straight into his face.
I didn’t mean to do that. I was walking away. All I wanted to go home.
I didn’t have a home…
Shit, shit, shit.
Before I could focus, Lars tackled me and sent me to the ground. We began wrestling as everyone in the bar shouted. Amanda sounded like she was crying. Some people cheered us on, others tried to split us up.
“Get the fuck out!” Ray shouted, pulling us from one another.
“Ray, sorry.” Lars stood to his feet. “He started it.”
“Save it, Lars. You’re a real dick for messing with Jax today of all days. Get the hell out,” he ordered. Ray reached a hand out toward me. “You good, Jax?”
I nodded but didn’t say anything else as I stood. My face hurt. My head hurt. My heart ached, too.
I reached into my pocket, pulled out cash, tossed it on the counter. “Sorry, Ray,” I muttered before stumbling out of the bar.
I began patting my pockets, for my keys when a voice called out to me.
“Jax!”
I looked up to see four Kennedys coming my way.
Two Kennedys.
Nope, just one.
“What are you d-doing here?” I stuttered, stumbling. I could’ve laid right on the sidewalk and been okay.
“I’m here to take you home,” she said, wrapping an arm around mine.
I yanked it away. “Home?” I laughed. “Good one, Kennedy.”
I began walking the opposite direction of her, and she chased after me. “Wait, Jax. Come on. You can stay at my place. You don’t have to do this alone.”
“Why not? That’s how I’ve been doing everything.”
“You’re drunk,” she whispered, coming back to me, and holding my arm. That electric shock she sent through me was still there. I hated how she warmed me up. I hated how being near her made things feel a tad bit better.
“I’m fucked up.” I sighed. “I should go. I need to get out of this town. I need to leave this place. I need to—”
“Come with me,” she cut in. Her honey-colored eyes piercing me.
“Where?”
“Anywhere. Everywhere. Wherever you go, take me with you.” She took my hands into hers and pulled me in closer to her body. I wanted to pull away, but I wanted to stay more. Her forehead rested against mine. “Stay, Jax.”
“Sun…”
“Stay, Moon,” she whispered, placing her hands against my chest.
My eyes closed as my mind began to spin.
“Stay with me,” she pleaded.
“I have nothing, Kennedy. I have nothing to give you.”
“Give me your heart, and that’s all I need. Please, Jax. Please,” she begged, running her lips gently across mine. “If you stay, I’ll love you forever.”
I opened my eyes, and there she was, my lover. My friend. My sunlight.
“What am I going to do?” I asked, my voice cracking.
“Let’s go home tonight, and we’re going figure it out in the morning. Okay?”
We’re going to figure it out.
&
nbsp; We.
It wasn’t just me, myself, and I anymore. I wasn’t walking alone, because Kennedy was brave enough to walk beside me.
I nodded slowly and took her hand into mine. “Okay.”
36
Kennedy
“What are you doing here? How did you know where I was staying?” Derek asked the next morning.
“There’s only one bed and breakfast in town. It’s not that hard to figure out.” I didn’t sleep a wink the previous night, because Jax couldn’t sleep, so I stayed up with him until the sun came peeking through the windows.
“Can I show you something?” I asked.
Derek scratched at his beard and cleared his throat. “Stacey and I have to get to the airport soon. I don’t really have time.”
“It won’t take long. I just want to show you.”
“Show me what?”
“What Jax has created. Just come look, please. I promise you’ll see that your family property needs to stay with Jax.”
He glanced to his wrist watch then crossed his arms. “I only have about twenty minutes to spare.”
“Trust me, it won’t take that long.”
He didn’t say anything else, just nodded in agreement.
I led Derek to the woods on Jax’s land. We didn’t say a word the whole way there. Once we arrived at the field of daisies, Derek’s eyes watered over seeing all of the flowers.
“Daisies,” he muttered, sounding like his brother.
“Yes.”
“They were her favorite flowers.” He cleared his throat. “Jax made this spot for her?”
“Yes. He has a lot more plans, too. He kept all of her old landscaping blueprints and—”
“Shit,” Derek whispered before a shout fell through his lips. “Fuck!”
His outburst threw me for a loop, and I wasn’t sure what to say. “I’m sorry if I upset you bringing you out here,” I said, feeling guilty for my idea. I thought it would help him.
“No, you don’t get it,” he said as tears began falling down his cheeks. He placed his hands on top of his head as the emotions poured out. “You don’t get it.”
“Get what?”
“Any of this.” He swallowed hard and placed his hands behind his head. “Everything my brother went through is my fucking fault.”
I narrowed my eyes, baffled. “What are you talking about?”
“All his struggles, all his pain. Him being stuck with Cole, it’s all on me. And here he is planting Mom’s favorite flowers out of guilt for something that wasn’t even his fault.”
“Derek. What’s going on?”
“The accident. It wasn’t him.” His head dropped and tears fell quickly down his cheeks. His whole body shook as he spoke words that turned the whole world upside down. “It was me, Kennedy. It was me. I shot her. I killed our mother, not Jax.”
The words rocked me, and the silence that filled the woods was terrifying.
I took a few steps back. “What? No. Jax did it. I know you probably blame yourself because you took him out there, but—”
“No,” Derek disagreed. “I did it. I pulled the trigger, Kennedy. The safety was on his gun. He didn’t turn off the safety. I did it. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I shot her. I killed my mother.”
He began sobbing uncontrollably as he unfolded his truths. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”
I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to move forward with everything that was coming out of Derek’s mouth. He shot his mother? He killed Elizabeth and allowed Jax to live with the idea that he was the one who pulled the trigger?
What the hell was going on?
37
Derek
Seventeen years old
Cole called off Jax’s summer camp trip. He wouldn’t let him go, because Jax didn’t kill the deer. Mom fought Cole to let Jax go, but he said it was his money and he wasn’t sending his weak son to camp.
Mom and Cole fought all the time lately, and I couldn’t stand it. It was just like before, when Mom fought with my Dad. I hated the yelling, but I hated the thought of us leaving Cole more. I knew Mom would leave him, though, if Jax didn’t get his shit together. I already lost one dad, and I didn’t want to lose another.
For the most part, Cole was everything I wanted in a father. He came to all my football games. We fished together. We went hunting. He was fucking amazing. Sure, he didn’t give Jax the easiest time, but that was Jax’s fault. He acted like a baby all the time. If he would act like a boy and not a little girl, Cole would treat him like he treated me. Then, Mom and Cole would be happy, and everything would be okay. I was going to make sure of it.
“Get out of bed,” I barked, walking into Jax’s bedroom and shoving him in the shoulder late one afternoon after another day of Mom and Cole fighting. “We have to get out and do it fast.”
“Do what?”
“You have to kill a deer if Cole is ever going to forgive you.”
Jax’s face dropped as panic shot through him. “No, no. I c-c-can’t do it,” he stuttered.
I yanked his blanket off and pulled him out of the bed. “Yes, you can, Jax. You’re just scared.”
“I’m not,” he lied. He was terrified.
“Yes, you are. Now, come on. Do you really want to be the reason Mom leaves Cole? You want your parents to break up?
“No.”
“Then come on.”
“We can’t even get the guns. Dad keeps them locked up.”
I dangled Cole’s set of keys in front of his face. “I got it. Come on, now before they realize we aren’t in bed.”
Jax stood still for a moment, and I groaned, slapping the palm of my hand to my forehead. “Jax, now’s the time. Be scared forever, or just fucking do it,” I said, my eyes piercing into his. His stare looked so gentle, like Mom’s. He was soft like her, too. Emotional. Cole said they were too emotional for their own good.
“Don’t you want Cole to love you like he loves me?” I pestered.
That got him to stand up.
I dragged him out of the bedroom and made him toss on his tennis shoes. He followed me to the shed, where we got the guns. “Take Cole’s gun,” I ordered. “He’ll be impressed to hear you killed a deer with his favorite gun.”
Once we got outside, I made sure Jax steadied the gun. He was shaking so damn much.
It was dark and I knew he hated the dark. There wasn’t much Jax wasn’t afraid of, that was for sure.
All we had for light was the lantern I brought with us, with a flickering candle. I figured a flashlight would scare the deer off too much.
I had my gun, too, just in case Jax needed help.
All he had to do was kill the deer. All he had to do was pull the trigger and Cole would like him. Then everything would go back to normal. Mom and Cole would stop fighting, and we’d be able to stay a family.
I used the lantern to help us see the deer moving through the trees. Cole taught me you had to be patient when catching a beauty like the whitetail deer.
So, we waited, and waited, and waited some more.
Finally, it showed up. The deer was big. Almost two sizes bigger than the one I shot last fall.
“There you go, Jax. He’s a beaut! Line it up,” I ordered, even though Jax’s hands were shaky.
Then, we heard the voice in the woods, calling out to us both. “Jax! Derek!”
Mom.
She was coming.
She knew we were gone.
Fuck.
“Do it!” I whisper-shouted, making Jax jump, and knock the candle over from freight.
“Geez, Jax, come on! You got this, just pull the trigger. Pull the trigger, pull the—”
The shot was heard, and Jax dropped the gun from his grip.
We heard a scream.
The gun dropped from my hands, and I tried my best to look into the darkness. I heard sobbing as I rushed through the darkness toward the cries. As I reached the noise, a rush of panic shot through me as I saw blood painting the g
rass and branches around me. I stared down into a pair of doe eyes, which were wide with panic.
“Mom!” I shouted. Jax rushed over, terrified like me.
“Boys,” Mom breathed out, shaking with her words as tears streamed down her cheeks.
What?
How?
No…
Jax’s hands scooped hers into mine as I began screaming. “Help!” I shouted, panic hitting every inch of my being. My chest rose and fell erratically as I felt as if my heart was being ripped from inside my chest.
“It’s okay, baby,” Mom cried, squeezing her hands in Jax’s.
“I’m sorry, Mom,” Jax sobbed.
Her words faded off as the darkness of the night began to swallow me whole.
No, no, no…
“What did I do?!” Jax cried as panic set in my chest. It was all my fault.
Tears flooded my eyes as he stared down at Mom. “Oh my god,” I cried out, pacing back and forth. It wasn’t him. It wasn’t him.
Tell him that it was my gun. Tell him I pulled the trigger. Be fucking brave!
But I couldn’t. I couldn’t push the words out.
I said the one thing that should’ve never left my lips as my little brother sobbed with our mother in his arms. “Jax,” I cried out, my voice strained. “What did you do?”
38
Kennedy
Present day
No words came to me as Derek unfolded his story.
He continued to fall apart in the middle of the daisies, and I shook my head. “You have to tell him the truth.”
“No, I can’t. I can’t…it will kill him,” he choked out. “He’ll never forgive me.”
“That doesn’t matter, Derek. He’s been through hell, living his whole life with this pain and guilt for something he didn’t even do! You own him that much! You don’t deserve to keep this from him. And I’m sorry, if you don’t tell him, I will.”
“What’s going on?” a voice asked from behind us. I turned to see Jax standing there, looking confused. “Derek, are you okay? Is it because of Dad passing away?” he asked so sincere.
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