by W. W. Jacobs
'e was in your place to-night?"
"He smashed one o' my best glasses," ses the landlord.
"So he did," ses the policeman. "So he did. I'd forgot that. Do youknow 'im well?"
"Not more than I can 'elp," ses the landlord. "He's been in my place agood bit, but I never knew of any reason why 'e should try and do awaywith 'imself. If he's been disappointed in love, he ain't told meanything about it."
I suppose that couple o' fools 'ud 'ave stood there talking about me allnight if I'd ha' let 'em, but I had about enough of it.
"Look 'ere," I ses, "you're very clever, both of you, but you needn'tworry your 'eads about me. I've just been having a mud-bath, that'sall."
"A mud-bath!" ses both of 'em, squeaking like a couple o' silly parrots.
"For rheumatics," I ses. "I 'ad it some-thing cruel to-night, and Ithought that p'r'aps the mud 'ud do it good. I read about it in thepapers. There's places where you pay pounds and pounds for 'em, but,being a pore man, I 'ad to 'ave mine on the cheap."
The policeman stood there looking at me for a moment, and then 'e beganto laugh till he couldn't stop 'imself.
"Love-a-duck!" he ses, at last, wiping his eyes. "I wish I'd seen it."
"Must ha' looked like a fat mermaid," ses the landlord, wagging his silly'ead at me. "I can just see old Bill sitting in the mud a-combing his'air and singing."
They 'ad some more talk o' that sort, just to show each other 'ow funnythey was, but they went off at last, and I fastened up the gate and wentinto the office to clean myself up as well as I could. One comfort wasthey 'adn't got the least idea of wot I was arter, and I 'ad a fancy thatthe one as laughed last would be the one as got that twelve quid.
I was so tired that I slept nearly all day arter I 'ad got 'ome, and I'ad no sooner got back to the wharf in the evening than I see that thelandlord 'ad been busy. If there was one silly fool that asked me thebest way of making mud-pies, I should think there was fifty. Littlethings please little minds, and the silly way some of 'em went on made mefeel sorry for my sects.
By eight o'clock, 'owever, they 'ad all sheered off, and I got a broomand began to sweep up to 'elp pass the time away until low-water. On'yone craft 'ad come up that day--a ketch called the Peewit--and as she wasberthed at the end of the jetty she wasn't in my way at all.
Her skipper came on to the wharf just afore ten. Fat, silly old man 'ewas, named Fogg. Always talking about 'is 'ealth and taking medicine todo it good. He came up to me slow like, and, when 'e stopped and askedme about the rheumatics, the broom shook in my 'and.
"Look here," I ses, "if you want to be funny, go and be funny with themas likes it. I'm fair sick of it, so I give you warning."
"Funny?" he ses, staring at me with eyes like a cow. "Wot d'ye mean?There's nothing funny about rheumatics; I ought to know; I'm a martyr toit. Did you find as 'ow the mud did you any good?"
I looked at 'im hard, but 'e stood there looking at me with his fat baby-face, and I knew he didn't mean any harm; so I answered 'im perlite andwished 'im good night.
"I've 'ad pretty near everything a man can have," he ses, casting anchoron a empty box, "but I think the rheumatics was about the worst of 'emall. I even tried bees for it once."
"Bees!" I ses. "_Bees!_"
"Bee-stings," he ses. "A man told me that if I could on'y persuade a fewbees to sting me, that 'ud cure me. I don't know what 'e meant bypersuading! they didn't want no persuading. I took off my coat and shirtand went and rocked one of my neighbour's bee-hives next door, and Ithought my last hour 'ad come."
He sat on that box and shivered at the memory of it.
"Now I take Dr. Pepper's pellets instead," he ses. "I've got a box in mystate-room, and if you'd like to try 'em you're welcome."
He sat there talking about the complaints he had 'ad and wot he 'ad donefor them till I thought I should never have got rid of 'im. He got up atlast, though, and, arter telling me to always wear flannel next to myskin, climbed aboard and went below.
I knew the hands was aboard, and arter watching 'is cabin-skylight untilthe light was out, I went and undressed. Then I crept back on to thejetty, and arter listening by the Peewit to make sure that they was allasleep, I went back and climbed down the ladder.
It was colder than ever. The cold seemed to get into my bones, but Imade up my mind to 'ave that twelve quid if I died for it. I trod roundand round the place where I 'ad seen that purse chucked in until I wastired, and the rubbish I picked up by mistake you wouldn't believe.
I suppose I 'ad been in there arf an hour, and I was standing up with myteeth clenched to keep them from chattering, when I 'appened to lookround and see something like a white ball coming down the ladder. My'art seemed to stand still for a moment, and then it began to beat asthough it would burst. The white thing came down lower and lower, andthen all of a sudden it stood in the mud and said, "Ow!"
"Who is it?" I ses. "Who are you?" "Halloa, Bill!" it ses. "Ain't itperishing cold?"
It was the voice o' Cap'n Fogg, and if ever I wanted to kill a fellow-creetur, I wanted to then.
"'Ave you been in long, Bill?" he ses. "About ten minutes," I ses,grinding my teeth.
"Is it doing you good?" he ses.
I didn't answer 'im.
"I was just going off to sleep," he ses, "when I felt a sort of hot painin my left knee. O' course, I knew what it meant at once, and instead o'taking some of the pellets I thought I'd try your remedy instead. It's abit nippy, but I don't mind that if it does me good."
He laughed a silly sort o' laugh, and then I'm blest if 'e didn't sitdown in that mud and waller in it. Then he'd get up and come for'ard twoor three steps and sit down agin.
"Ain't you sitting down, Bill?" he ses, arter a time.
"No," I ses, "I'm not."
"I don't think you can expect to get the full benefit unless you do," heses, coming up close to me and sitting down agin. "It's a bit of a shockat fust, but Halloa!"
"Wot's up?" I ses.
"Sitting on something hard," he ses. "I wish people 'ud be morecareful."
He took a list to port and felt under the star-board side. Then hebrought his 'and up and tried to wipe the mud off and see wot he 'ad got.
"Wot is it?" I ses, with a nasty sinking sort o' feeling inside me.
"I don't know," he ses, going on wiping. "It's soft outside and 'ardinside. It----"
"Let's 'ave a look at it," I ses, holding out my 'and.
"It's nothing," he ses, in a queer voice, getting up and steering for theladder. "Bit of oyster-shell, I think."
He was up that ladder hand over fist, with me close behind 'im, and assoon as he 'ad got on to the wharf started to run to 'is ship.
"Good night, Bill," he ses, over 'is shoulder.
"Arf a moment." I ses, follering 'im.
"I must get aboard," he ses; "I believe I've got a chill," and afore Icould stop 'im he 'ad jumped on and run down to 'is cabin.
I stood on the jetty for a minute or two, trembling all over with coldand temper. Then I saw he 'ad got a light in 'is cabin, and I creptaboard and peeped down the skylight. And I just 'ad time to see somesovereigns on the table, when he looked up and blew out the light.