Dirty Disaster

by Addison Moore

  “I probably do. How about a movie instead? Coffee, dinner—any place of your choosing. I sense a beautiful relationship on the horizon.” Beautiful relationship? I have never used the R word with a girl before. But this is no girl. This is a bona fide vixen who’s cast me under her spell. “What do you say?” “The Piña Colada” song blares through the speakers, and I point up. “This could be our song.” I cock my head to the side as if teasing, but I think we both know that I’m dead serious. It’s shocking how I’ve gone from the king of one-night stands to begging for a commitment from the first girl who’s shut me down in ages. Ever. Some might say that’s the key, but there’s something far more mesmerizing about her than a simple shutdown.

  “Look”—she shoves her laptop into her bag and hugs her books before scooting to the edge of the booth—“I don’t like piña coladas or getting caught in any kind of a hurricane—and I don’t like you, Axel with an X,” she bites the words out as she struggles to her feet. “Don’t come looking for me at Barnes, and most importantly—don’t forget to feed the bears.” She takes off, and I shout after her.

  “See you on our next date! The fries will be on me!”

  “Aarggh!” she howls as she hits the exit, and a dull laugh gets caught in my throat. I have never botched up anything so beautifully.

  My God, I need that girl in my life. I’d die to have her in my bed. She’s already in my head. How the heck did she infiltrate so quickly?

  It’s clear Alexa Ximena Maxfield is no ordinary girl. Her bark is just as angry as her bite. She’s the exact kind of girl I’ve been looking for all along.

  Who knew?

  I’d let her take a bite out of me any day of the week.

  She’s already taken a chunk of my heart.

  A Fight to Remember

  Lex

  All of the madness that’s unraveled my well-orchestrated life in the last two weeks solely rests on the fact I accidentally made a friend. And now the fact my once wonderful yet mediocre life has been usurped and is currently in hostage negotiations with the bank, it only expounds on the fact I hate friends and I hate people. You see, exactly one week prior to stepping on the landmine of friendship, I paid off my Range Rover in full. It was an early yet fiscally sound birthday gift to myself. I don’t believe in debt, and that quadruple digit car payment made me angsty enough to want to sell my eggs on the black ovarian market. But before I parted with a potential fetus, or lost one more night’s sleep counting green sheep that morphed into fleeting dollar bills, I decided to empty out my savings and rid myself of the mountain of debt—thus enjoying the fruits of my labor and the masterful craftsmanship of British engineering whom I lovingly call Frank—named after the car salesman who cinched the deal.

  Enter Low. Harlow—Low—Hartley is a walking dark cloud, and she wasted no time in raining down her disastrous fury over my life. She is plain old bad luck, karma gone cosmically very freaking wrong. Even if I had decorated myself with every horseshoe on the planet, there was no way to protect myself from her bumbling, slipping and sliding on five-inch stilettos based wrath. So, it’s really no coincidence that after bothering to foster a friendship—something I am loathe to do—soon thereafter with one swift blow of an adjective—one that I never expected to hear—I watched as my well-orchestrated life imploded from order to chaos.

  What would that adjective be, you might ask? Fired. As in without gainful employment, out of work, on the dole, expelled, canned, sacked, and ironically axed. Axel Collins comes to mind, and I swat him from my consciousness like the loathsome gnat he’s become. It’s true. I was once sacked by an Ax—the irony of which is that he is now my ex and is holing up in this same one cow town that I happen to reside in, Hollow Brook. Actually, that may not be true. For all I know he’s holed up in Jepson, a hop and a skip away from this one cow town I happen to call home. Nevertheless, it’s too close, but then again, there isn’t enough cosmic distance the universe could provide to keep him a good length away from me. Break my heart once and shame on me—break my heart twice—well, that will never happen because I no longer have a heart for him to break. Axel Collins marked an end of an era in my life, the very last arena of subjection that was out of my control. At least up until two weeks ago when the cuisine gods at Food Crack Nation lowered their fiery scepter and incinerated the contract I had with them. No thanks to my new friend, Low, and her harebrained idea to pretend that it was me dating her best friend’s brother and not the other twisted way around, everything in my life has toppled in quick succession like a domino rally gone bad.

  It’s nine forty-five on a hellish Friday morning and I’m still lacking caffeine, a workout, not to mention my weekly online reward purchase for merely surviving in a world full of wolves parading around as humans. I looked forward to that monetary splurge with gleeful anticipation because it also had the ability to kick-start my weekend in the right trajectory. Instead, here I am, two weeks into my unemployed state, sans any financial prospects on the near horizon, awaiting a mortgage counselor to drop off an arm full of pamphlets while secretly scoping out my home’s worth for that dreaded moment it goes up on the auction block. Not to mention the fact I’m all out of the primo Ethiopian blend coffee I had drop-shipped to my doorstep every other week like a well-engineered Swiss clock. It was yet another splurge in a long line of splurges that have recently met their fiscal demise, such as an expired membership to the gym that I can’t afford to renew which means no hot, cold, or naked yoga—and all those sales fliers retailers have been flooding my inbox with—tempting me with their free shipping and extra 15% off discounts which have been promptly deleted. Now if only I could figure out a way to delete this headache, my jobless status, and Axel Collins from the planet—the universe and I might actually be on speaking terms once again.

  I once ran my life like a tight ship, rising at five thirty, coffee, walk the dog, gym, coffee once again—this time at Hallowed Grounds, hit the office, hit all of the scrumptious locales that as a food critic I was commanded to visit, call my little sister, call my big brother, read a few chapters in the book sitting dutifully on my nightstand, sleep well, and repeat. It was a glorious life and one I regret ever putting on the line for something as foolish as a friendship. Thus it brings me full circle. I really hate friends. And I really hate people.

  Strudel, my two-year-old French Bulldog with fur the shade of a colorless day, sniffs around the fuzzy pug slippers my brother, Marlin, gave me last Christmas. He said he couldn’t find a dog like Strudel, but that these were close enough. That’s Marlin in a nutshell. Close enough has always kept him content in all areas of his life. Can’t make it as a fireman? Join the Jepson PD. Close enough. Can’t get a girlfriend of your own? Date your best friend’s. Close enough. Can’t make it as a racecar driver? Watch the Jepson 500 on TV. Close enough. That last one is the kicker. Marlin spent his entire life driving racecars, had a sponsor for years, but he never did qualify for the big one. But that’s the difference between Marlin and me. He’s content to let life steamroll him whenever the heck it sees fit. I’m more inclined to take it by the horns, force it to go in the direction I’m demanding it to, and then killing the bull just to make sure it stays there.

  Nevertheless, Marlin is a whole six years older than me. He was already out of the house when our mother took off. And two years after that, our father collapsed at his desk and died of a heart attack over a stack of insurance papers. Marlin was already married and divorced by then. Yes, our family has been slowly eroding off the planet for as long as I can remember. Even my poor Aunt Priscilla died in a major car wreck not long after my father bit the big one. Marlin and I have spent the last decade and a half looking after our younger sister, Serena, and Aunt Priscilla’s kids, Rush and Sunday. Their brother, Nolan, is up there in age with Marlin, and with his help we knit together a motley crew of a family. Uncle Chuck, Aunt Priscilla’s grieving widower, is still alive and kicking and as oblivious as always when it comes to anything other than Ne
w York real estate. New York real estate doesn’t mean all that much when your home base is in Hollow Brook, North Carolina.

  Strudel whines hard and does a little potty dance at my feet.

  “Hush, you.” I head to the door and check my face in the mirror, seaweed sleep mask still in place, bloodshot eyes from the tears I will go to my grave denying ever existed, my crimson-colored hair still coiled neatly in sponge rollers to give me that effortless tousled look I spend ten hours trying to achieve.

  I sneak a glimpse out the side window and note the back end of a particularly hairy sheepdog relieving himself on my lawn and gasp.

  “It’s the pooper!” I hiss to Strudel, and he sits at rapt attention. I may not need or desire a single human being in my life, sans my family, but Strudel does his best to worship me dutifully like no human ever could. His forehead wrinkles with curiosity, his tiny head cocks to the side as if intent to hear more. “It’s every single day I tell you. And this, my friend, is the last day that beast drops a smelly hot brownie on my front lawn.” I’ve been picking up this dopey dog’s dung day after day while his moronic owner, an elderly woman with gray hair and an obnoxious matching mustache, looks to the street as if she were oblivious to her dog’s anal dealings. I don’t care about her elderly state of being. She’s the ageist if she thinks it’s fair I play pooper-scooper after her dog droppings.

  “Ha!” I bark as I fling the door open and fly down the porch. The hairy beast stops midflight in his brownie delivery as both he and his owner attempt to scuttle down the street. “Stop, thief!” I shout. But the only person to turn around is my treacherous neighbor as tall and round as a stump who does nothing but smoke cigarettes and pass judgment on whoever gets locked in her sight while molesting her anxiety riddled Chihuahua all the livelong day. I’ve heard her unrequited commentaries on the innocent passersby one too many times. I couldn’t care less about her or her roving lung-cancer-in-the-making opinion. “I said stop!” I roar as I scuttle my fastest in these cumbersome pug slippers, clearly not intended for the unevenly paved sidewalks of downtown Hollow Brook. No sooner do I jump in front of the gray-haired granny who’s stolen my sanity for the last six months than an SUV skids on its brakes, stopping inches from sending Strudel to the great doggie beyond.

  “Oh God!” I bolt into traffic and ignore the honking and yelling of a passing minivan while scooping Strudel safely in my arms.

  “Lexy?”

  I look up to find standing in front of me—in front of the still running SUV that almost introduced Strudel to the rainbow bridge, a suit clad Axel Collins, those bright gray eyes wide with concern, those full kissable lips parted and panting. His dress shirt stretches taut with the sheer mass of his expansive chest, and that warm yet familiar cologne slowly pulls me back to a different day long ago when life didn’t involve imperiled mortgages and obnoxious exes.

  Oh fudge. Heck, I think this occasion warrants an expletive or two. Shit, shit, shit!

  I hobble back to the sidewalk, only to find the mustache lady and the cigarette wielding tree stump gesticulating about something while the Chihuahua and the sheepdog sniff the business end of one another. I’m not about to let the mustache lady amble away freely just because Axel Dog Dodger Collins has shown up on the scene.

  “You got a problem with her, lady?” The tree stump screws her face up in a knot, and that ridiculous expression only makes me want to kick her.

  “Darn right, I have a problem with her.” I lean in toward the mustache lady herself and give a few quick blinks. That whole mustache on a woman thing is a bit jarring at this close proximity. “How dare you come here day after day expecting me to do your dirty work!” I thunder so loud my voice comes back to me as an echo. “I suggest both you and your mangy dog find another neighborhood to terrorize with his hind end because this is the last time I bend over for either of you hairy, scary beasts. You had better get lost quick. And if you ever show your fuzzy face again, I’m going to personally drop kick you both across the street! Get a clue and a razor—that was your last brownie bonanza on my front lawn.”

  “My God”—Stumpy pipes up, and I glance over to find her capturing the incident on her phone—“you are a monster, Ms. Range Rover, Louis Vuitton, pug feet with the bright red door!”

  “Ah-ha!” I swing a finger in her direction, and Strudel burrows his face into my bosom. “I knew you were judging me.” I take a step into the prying eye of her camera. “Well, Ms. Judgey McJudgernuts, I hate you and your little dog, too!” The tiny whippet barks and nips as if returning the sentiment.

  “All right, ladies,” a deep, warm voice rumbles from behind, and I turn slowly, eviscerating him with all of the hate-filled beams I can afford. Axel’s eyes round out as he blinks a nervous smile. “I think I see the problem here.”

  My mouth falls open wide at the audacity of this nitwit, albeit drop-dead gorgeous nitwit—suddenly, my ovaries feel rather unsafe at this close proximity—the nerve he has to inject himself into my day, into my life without so much as an invite.

  “Don’t worry! I have all the footage I need.” Stumpy snaps up her yippee little rat and scampers back to her hidey-hole.

  But Axel doesn’t release me from his hypnotic gaze. I hike up on my tiptoes, bringing me dangerously close to those full lips I might have regretfully fantasized about a time or twelve.

  “I don’t think you see the problem here. The problem here is that this waste of human skin”—I turn my attention back to Hairy Granny and a tiny part of me bubbles with regret at my word choice—“sees fit to make a craptastic deposit on my front lawn each and every day as a means to absolve herself of doggy doody for the rest of her numbered days.” I lean in hard toward the beady-eyed woman and note the start of a cactus-like beard already prickling through her skin. “I don’t care if you’re a hundred years old. I wouldn’t care if you were one hundred weeks old! You and your furry little flea bag had better find another lawn to decorate with ding dongs!”

  The woman looks to Axel with her unmoved expression and makes a few hand gestures, inspiring him to make a few hand gestures back.

  “What’s going on?” I pull Strudel in close and cover his ears in the event a nuclear-sized verbal detonation is readying to lob my way.

  “Lexy—she’s deaf.” Axel offers a lopsided smile that quickly glides off his face.

  I suck in a breath and cover my mouth in horror. I’m a horrible person by design, of course—but I would never do something like this, and then it hits me. Dear God, I’ve done it.

  “That’s right!” Stumpy howls from across the street. “You’re a terrible human being! A witch! A holy terror!”

  “Oh, shut up, you!” I bark before looking back at the mustache lady and mouthing I’m sorry while making the sign of the cross—the only sign language I’m even vaguely familiar with.

  It takes six seconds for me to scuff my little pugs back to my walkway and trot up the porch. In a moment, Axel is beside me, his fingers on mine as I reach for the door.

  I suck in a sharp breath. “Oh my God, you will lose your hand and that plaything you beat with it if you don’t take a full step away from my body this instant.”

  Ax hops back as if escaping a fire, and I hop into the house with the exact same sentiment. I bolt the door shut, leaning against it while my chest heaves uncontrollably, but it has nothing to do with that unfortunate run-in with the poor deaf mustache lady, or Stumpy, whom I might inevitably kill in the night. Instead, it has everything to do with the fact I can’t control my breathing, my hormones, or my nonexistent heart whenever that rat is within throat punching range of my being.

  I can’t stand that he still has the power to evict this reaction from me. And even more than that, I can’t stand myself for having it.

  I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, my seaweed mask melting from my face, my hair spraying out of the rollers, my eyes bloodshot with rage. Yes, it’s safe to say life has spiraled wildly out of control. There’s only one way out
of this mess. Tomorrow night at Low and Levi’s engagement party, I will grind my heel into this budding friendship that’s taken my life down like a wildfire. But not before I grind my heel into Axel Collins’ heart one last time for having the audacity to show up at my front door, nearly killing my dog—calling me Lexy no less. Yes, I may be having a run of bad luck, but sooner than later I’ll get back into the driver’s seat of my life and run over that witch, karma, myself.

  It’s the least I can do with that darn Range Rover.

  Hallowed Grounds is brimming with people this Saturday afternoon. The heavenly scent of percolating java has my lips begging to turn upward, but I deny them the effort. It’s not that I’m an unhappy person—I’m more of a practical person who happens to be acutely aware of the fact happiness is just an illusion prepackaged by modern media to make you believe you’re missing out on something big. The only thing you’re missing out on is what’s in front of you. Once people stop chasing some imaginary carrot and realize they have everything they need to survive, they can finally get on with it and stop harassing others to fill some imaginary void. That’s precisely why I don’t need a man in my life. Axel was my first and final foray into what Hallmark has boxed and prepackaged as the L word, and I’m thrilled to report that failed experiment has solidified the fact I can be more than content without a plus one. As much as I don’t need Axel in my life, I do miss his sister, Emilia. She was as close to having a true friend in my life as I’ve ever had. That is, up until I met Low. On occasion, I had even let myself believe that Emilia would have made the best sister-in-law. God, I miss her.

  Hallowed Grounds smells like java heaven, and I scan the place for signs of Serena and Sunday. Serena sent a group text and asked me to meet the two of them here for a quick cup of joe. Of course, I would never say no to that request. Serena and Sunday are two people I would gladly rearrange my schedule for. Although seeing that I’m jobless, soon-to-be homeless, and without a single yoga mat to occupy, Serena and Sunday are the only show in town.