Axes and Angels: A Snarky Urban Fantasy Novel (Better Demons Series Book 1)

by Matthew Herrmann

  “I’m going to consider this mission a success,” I said as I lowered the cat carrier and meandered past the growing crowd of onlookers, a mask of feigned worry on my face so as not to draw unwanted attention.

  I called Larry when I was a safe distance away, or in other words, when I could no longer hear the sirens of police cars and firetrucks. Midge’s new boyfriend had probably called the cops with my description so I couldn’t linger. I’d already removed my ball cap since that was probably on the Most Wanted poster currently being created to catch me. I know I probably should’ve felt a little bad for indirectly damaging the apartment building but it wasn’t like I had asked Spider Face to help me with fending off Lucy. (I totally had things under control …)

  Larry didn’t answer. When I dialed again, he picked up on the first ring.

  “Larry, I got your cat.”

  He sounded almost surprised. “Great.”

  “You sound like you didn’t think I could pull it off.”

  Larry sighed. “You’re over two months delinquent. To be honest, I’d already mentally written you off. I’m used to people like you making big promises and then following through with excuses. I’m glad you got the cat though.”

  “Good. Now tell me where to meet you to deliver the cat. And more importantly, give me an extension on my payments.”

  “What did she look like?”

  “Huh?” I said, glancing at Luna the cat. “Gray fur?”

  “No. Midge. My ex.”

  I swallowed. “Healthy … She looked healthy—”

  “She was with another man, wasn’t she!”

  His voice was so loud, I nearly dropped the phone. I pulled it back from my ear like the phone was made of lava. “Umm …”

  Crap. I’d blown it …

  Larry laughed good-naturedly. “It’s all good. I follow her on Facebook so I’ve seen him. It’s good to know that it wasn’t just some stupid fake post. You know, pretending to like some imaginary guy to try to make me jealous or something.”

  I squinted as I held the phone. “Don’t think they were pretending anything.”

  Larry chuckled. “Oh, we’ll see. We’ll see …”

  I let that awkward silence drift over the airwaves for a bit before I continued my pitch. “Look, Larry.” I scratched behind my head. “I got your cat. How bout we meet up and you give me another few days to bring my debt up to balance?” A pause. “You know. Like how we agreed?”

  “Huh? What?” Larry said, and I doubted he’d even heard a word I just said.

  “The cat … Luna …”

  “Oh, the cat?” Larry chuckled. “The point of you stealing her was not for me to have her again—I just didn’t want Midge to have her.”

  I clenched my fist involuntarily. “Wait. What?”

  “I don’t want the cat. I don’t even like them. You can find a good home for her, can’t you?”

  I grunted. “Are you freaking kidding me?”

  “I’m sorry for … leaving that part out.”

  I clenched my fist. This guy was just pulling my strings, using me to play some personal revenge game. And he probably wasn’t even going to give me the extension on my loan.

  “Rein it in, Theo,” Simon said, “before you say something you’ll regret,” and I remembered to take a breath. Garfunkel was rubbing his hands in evil anticipation, his Hello Kitty shades still resting on the bridge of his tiny nose.

  “We’re good, right?” Larry said.

  “If you give me a few more days to make the payment.”

  I heard Larry shifting in his office chair. “I could get in trouble. I can’t just go around giving people breaks. Besides, everything is automated these days. If you don’t make an ACH payment within the next ehh half-hour, the system will turn you over from the Collections Department—me—to our third-party debt collection agency while the property is repossessed.”

  “You bastard.”

  Simon raised a finger at me. “Language, Theo. Language.”

  “Larry, I trusted you. I thought we had a deal. I’ll get you your money … I just need another day or two.”

  “Girl, no offense but you know how many times I’ve heard that excuse?”

  “But I will.”

  “I’ve seen your credit score … you must have some rich relatives or something.”

  This prick, I thought, my anger seething.

  Simon was smart enough to remain silent for once and give me space but Garfunkel posed like Scarface, his arms crossed and said, “Have Arachne track down his location and we’ll pay him a visit. And then we’ll ‘Say hello to my little friend’ em.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Uh, we’re not killing anyone.”

  “Whoa whoa whoa,” Larry said. “Who are you talking to?”

  Garfunkel shrugged. “Kill. Maim. Scare …”

  “I am not my partner. We don’t kill or—”

  “No-no!” Larry said. “For crying out loud! Don’t kill the cat! Midge would never forgive me …”

  I turned back to the phone. “I didn’t say—”

  “I’ll do it. I’ll do it!” Larry said. “Just don’t harm the cat, you sick, sick person. Shit. Just drop her off at a shelter.”

  “What? No, I—thanks.”

  Garfunkel beamed proudly behind his pink shades. “Embrace the dark side, Theo.”

  Simon looked worried.

  Larry clicked some keys on his keyboard. “There. I’ve given you another three days. That’s all though. You don’t bring your account up to balance before then, you lose your precious investment. And I call the cops on your ass, you sicko.”

  “I’m not a sicko—”

  Larry didn’t hear me. He’d already hung up. I threw my hands against my side and grunted. Men …

  Oh well, at least I got my extension.

  Meooow?

  I glanced at the cat in the carrier still suspended in my hand.

  And a cat …

  Simon waved happily at the cat. “Hi, Luna! Welcome to the pack!”

  “We’re not keeping her,” I said.

  Simon looked back at me stoically, a tear starting to form at the corner of one eye.

  “We’re not. Cats are a big responsibility. You’ve got to feed and water them and stuff. They’re like you guys. Only more well-behaved.”

  “Pleeease?” Simon said. “Garfunkel says you’re like him and don’t have a heart, but I disagree.”

  Grrr. The heart card.

  “Hey, I never said that,” Garfunkel said. Then he grinned wickedly beneath his shades. “Just kidding. I totally said that.”

  I exhaled loudly like a kid throwing a tantrum. A very justified tantrum, mind you. “Fine,” I said at last, and facepalmed with my free hand. “We can keep Luna.”

  “Yippee!” Simon shouted.

  “The Burden of Cat Ownership”

  Arachne called as I was still standing there debating what to do (with my life).

  “Yeah?” I answered.

  “I’ve got a lock on a pair of tickets that will get you and Orion into Typhon’s arena invite. They belong to a couple that looks similar to you two. You and Orion will have to intercept them and, like, steal their tickets. And you’ll have to be quick.”

  I heard Arachne clap her hands and say, “So exciting!” Great, I was training Arachne to become a super criminal …

  I hefted Luna’s cage in my free hand. “Can I at least make a stop at my apartment?”

  “There’s no time,” Arachne said. My phone beeped. “I just sent you the location of where to intercept them. It’s in Central Park.”

  Central Park? In broad daylight? One problem at a time, Theo, I reminded myself. I made some mental calculations. “I can be there in fifteen minutes if I run. I’m guessing you’ve already informed Orion?”

  “He’s my next call, but … he’s already there. In Central Park.”

  Made sense. An 840-acre park smack-dab in the middle of gridlocked mayhem … Of course he’d be there. Still
… “Ahhh, Arachne, how do you know he’s in Central Park if you haven’t called him yet?”

  “Oh, I traced his phone,” she said like one might casually mention they saw you from a distance.

  “You what?”

  “Traced his phone. It’s easy. Especially Orion. That guy doesn’t know the first thing about digital security.”

  “Oh … ahhh, Arachne. Do you trace my phone?”

  “Don’t be silly,” she said. “I loaded your phone with all the extra protections. No one could trace you. Not the FBI, CIA, NSA, no one.”

  I sighed with relief as I started walking toward Central Park, careful not to let Luna’s cage smack me in the thigh. “Now, your Apple Watch …”

  “Arachne …” I took a deep breath and gathered my thoughts. Then, pursing my lips I put on my most chipper voice. “Will you be a dear and put security on all my devices. I like to be, ahhh—”

  “Incognito?”

  “Yep.”

  “OK. Will do,” Arachne continued. “You still want me to find Orion? Or should I put security on his stuff too.”

  “Yes. I mean, no. I mean … Yes, help me find Orion. And then, yes, put security on his stuff too.”

  “Got it,” she sang and I heard the clacking of a keyboard. “I pinged his cell phone. As well as his last twenty-four hours of activity and, well, I think he, like, spent the night in Central Park. Isn’t that, like, illegal?”

  Oh my GoneGods … Orion … “Let’s keep that between you and me, OK? He probably didn’t want me to find out about that.” I increased my walk into a trot to ensure I could still run with the cat carrier jangling at my side. “I’ll call you when I get there.”

  “Oh don’t worry,” Arachne said. “I’ll be with you all the way. I’m following you on my screen.”

  “Wait, I thought you were going to make me incognito.”

  Arachne laughed. “I can’t turn off the satellite network, silly.”

  Oh, Arachne. You’re not creepy at all …

  As I’ve mentioned, I like running. I really do. I live for it. Just not with a cat cage in one hand. Have you ever tried to run with a cat cage? It sucks. But as much as Garfunkel tempted me, I couldn’t just leave Luna sitting on the sidewalk somewhere, now could I? So I sprinted down the straightaways and shuffled through afternoon crowds and traffic stops as best I could.

  If the cat was disoriented or hated my guts, she sure didn’t show it. Maybe she simply didn’t hiss like most cats I met; maybe she just swiped, although I hadn’t yet had time to open the cage and find out. I just wished I knew why cats hated me. Maybe I was a dog in a past life …

  A blaring car horn brought me back to my senses and I flipped off the driver who had almost run me over.

  “Theo!” Simon said.

  “Gee, thanks for the heads-up. Who’s going to take care of you two if I go splat?”

  Garfunkel picked at his teeth with a toothpick splinter. “Eh, probably just find a new meatsuit to hitch a ride on.” He looked up. “Oh, after we’ve grieved for you first. Yes, sure. We would grieve. Very sad. I mean, we are about all you’ve got in this world. You don’t exactly have friends.” He threw up his hands and added quickly, “Your words, mind you.”

  “You’re a little shit,” I said, panting as I picked my way through traffic as if it was nothing more than a human-sized game of Frogger, the kind where you only have one life left.

  “Aw he didn’t mean that,” Simon said.

  “Yes I d—”

  “Both of you. Please. Be. Quiet.” I focused on my breathing and checked my watch before redoubling my efforts. Despite me wearing pants and a lightweight winter jacket, I think I earned a PB (personal best for all you non-runners) as I reached the green expanse that was Central Park.

  I caught up with Orion chatting politely with a NYC police officer leaning against a mountain bike. A bike. Now why hadn’t I thought of that? “What is he doing?” I whispered to my familiars as I caught my breath. “We’re about to steal a pair of tickets from two poor schmucks. And he’s cozying up with the law?” The law, which was probably actively searching for a girl matching my description.

  “Stealing is wrong,” Simon reminded me.

  “Oh? And I don’t suppose me stealing you and Garfunkel from that exotic Others pet shop a few years back was wrong?”

  That shut Simon up real quick. It also made me feel like I’d stepped on a puppy dog’s paw.

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “I … shouldn’t have gone there.”

  My familiars don’t like to talk about those dark days when they were confined to a cage, much like the one Luna was in right now, only their cage had been much, much smaller. And their faces had been dirty, their clothing tattered …

  I cleared my mind and waited for a response from either of my angelic buddies but they just sat still on my shoulders, even Garfunkel. Yeah, real smooth, Theo. A real low blow. No wonder you don’t have any friends …

  I was aware of someone saying something.

  “Huh?” I asked, glancing up.

  The police officer smiled amiably. “What’s her name? Your cat.”

  “Uh Luna,” I said, glad I’d removed my ball cap on the way over here.

  “She’s very pretty,” the officer said.

  Orion scratched his head. “I thought you didn’t like cats.”

  “I never said that,” I shot back, although I had. For a two or three-thousand-year-old man, Orion had a mind like a steel trap. (Get it? Steel trap. He’s a hunter …) “Cats just usually don’t like me. Big difference.”

  “Uh huh,” Orion said, and stepped toward me. The officer waved and turned to walk his bike along the sidewalk trail.

  I tugged Orion’s jacket sleeve and pulled him in the opposite direction. “What are you doing? Trying to get us caught?”

  Orion stretched his arms behind his back and drew in a deep, hearty breath. “Gathering the lay of the land. The local tavern barman and the local law enforcement official are always the first two people to go to for information when in a new place. And seeing as there are no taverns in the park except for that expensive boathouse restaurant in the center, I decided to make friends with the constable …”

  I rolled my eyes and called Arachne. “We’re both here.” I casually scanned over the people strolling through and relaxing in the park. Lots of men and women in business attire, mothers pushing strollers full of bundled up children. Friends gossiping over a quick lunch or snack.

  “I know,” Arachne said. My phone beeped. “I’ve just sent you pictures of your two targets. Like I said, they bear a remarkable similarity to you and Orion, which is necessary since biological IDs will be verified at the gates.”

  I pulled up both photos on my phone, angling the screen so Orion could see, too. His puny little flip phone probably couldn’t even open the photos.

  The woman was a busty brunette with pale skin. Her companion looked like he could have been her dad. Gross. Orion didn’t look that old, did he …? The man had that kind of tamed but grizzled beard flecked with gray that was considered hip and chic these days. His trim eyebrows weren’t as bushy as Orion’s, and his hair was a bit longer too. Orion and I weren’t dead ringers for the two of them, but I figured our appearances ought to hold up under minor scrutiny. People gain and lose weight all the time. And hair and beard styles change just as frequently.

  “They’re about 300-yards ahead of you by the Reservoir. By tracing their phones’ historical GPS signals, I know they usually walk a full loop around Central Park every day at this time. Sooo predictable. LOL. On average, takes them just over an hour. They’re half-way done so you ought to be able to catch up with them at a brisk walk. Theo, I’d suggest you grab Orion’s elbow as if you like him. That’s what most couples in the park do—so I’ve been told. That way, the two of you will stand out less.”

  From the bulky carrier I still held in my hand, Luna meowed good-naturedly.

  I scoffed before sliding my free arm around
Orion’s elbow. “You heard her. Let’s walk.”

  “Constellational Down Time”

  It wasn’t long before we sighted our two targets across the expanse of the shimmering Central Park Reservoir, just another age-mismatched, happy couple braving the cold weather. They were about two hundred fifty yards away, wearing lightweight, expensive jackets and jeans. Just like Orion and me, they were arm-in-arm, walking without a care in the world. Looking at them, you’d never guess they were the type who got their kicks off seeing mythical creatures fight each other to the death.

  Love comes in all shapes and sizes, I guess.

  I sped up my pace, and Orion slowed me back down. “Can’t move too fast. They might spot us. Or someone else might remember us.”

  I grunted. But he was right, so I slowed down. Sometimes I envied his patience and wisdom gained from literally watching over humanity for so long. “Orion, what was it like being a constellation?”

  “I’m surprised you’ve never asked me before.”

  Beside us the Reservoir looked so still. So calm.

  “I didn’t want to overstep. It’s a rather personal question.” I felt my cheeks starting to flush. Stupid human biological reactions.

  “Oooh, Theo’s blushing! Theo’s blushing!” Garfunkel said.

  “Shut up,” I said.

  “What?” Orion asked.

  Garfunkel clapped his hands like a mechanical monkey on steroids. “Kiss him! Kiss him!”

  “I will fling you,” I warned.

  Orion put a hand over his chest. “Theo, did I say something—”

  “Familiars,” I said.

  He nodded and glanced at our two targets, growing slowly closer to us. He gestured with his free hand. “Being in the sky … it was peaceful. Like the water.” We continued walking along the waterfront as a boy bundled up in a winter coat with a model airplane in his gloved hands zoomed toward and around us, his mother scolding him as he pointed curiously up at my odd shoulder pads. Orion chuckled before continuing. “It was nice. There was no hunger … no longing … just a sense of pleasant stillness as I watched over the human race.”