by G. E. Farrow
CHAPTER IV.--M.D. AND THE DOCTOR'S BILL.
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HEY found a boat waiting when they reached the Station, and ProfessorCrab having purchased the tickets they went on board the singularconveyance. They had hardly taken their seats amongst a number ofrespectably dressed fishes when the bell rang and they were off.
Before they had proceeded far, Boy noticed a sudden rush to the greatwindow at one side of the boat, and joining the crowd he heard some onesay, "There goes the Prince of Whales."
Looking eagerly out of the window, he saw a whale very nicely dressedin a perfectly-fitting frock-coat and wearing a beautifully glossy newtop hat; he had a gold-headed umbrella tucked under one fin, and wasfollowed by a crowd of small fishes who were evidently trying to attracthis attention, but of whom he was not taking the slightest notice. Heraised his hat, though, and bowed very affably as the crowd on the boatcheered him.
"His Marine Highness is looking very well, isn't he?" inquired agentlemanly-looking Whiting of Boy, as the Prince of Whales disappearedfrom view.
"Very well indeed," replied Boy; "he seems to be very popular," headded.
"Oh yes, he is," replied the Whiting. "He is a capital fellow, and doesan immense amount of good. He is on his way now to open the New Home forDistressed Barnacles, I believe."
An American King Crab, sitting near, remarked in a loud voice that he"didn't believe in Princes."
"I guess we can do without them 011 our side of the herring pond," hesaid contemptuously, and then went over to speak to a small Oyster whowas sitting the other side of the boat. Boy was rather interested inthe King Crab, never having seen one of these curious-looking creaturesbefore, so he walked over too, just in time to hear him say to theOyster,--
"Native of these parts, 1 presume, stranger?"
The Oyster bowed.
"Wal, no offence to you, but I guess we've got Oysters over our side ofthe Atlantic that could knock you into fits. Why, we've got'em so bigover there that it takes two men and a boy to swallow one of them."
"I've heard my Uncle say," remarked Boy pleasantly, that most things inAmerica are on a very large scale; I suppose he must have been thinkingof those oysters."
"Yes, Siree, I guess your Uncle's right. I reckon that our countryis going to lick creation before long," said the American King Crab,walking away and looking very pleased.
"There, now you've made him happy," said the Oyster, laughing.
"Why, what have I done?" asked Boy innocently.
"Why, Americans are always very glad to hear their country praised, youknow," said the Oyster; "let's come on deck and hear the singing."
Boy very readily followed him on to the deck where they found a crowdgathered around a couple of Soles with black faces, dressed in niggercostumes, who were singing to the accompaniment of a guitar thefollowing song:--
THE GREAT SEA SERPENT.
```"I will sing a funny song
```Of a serpent of the sea,
```Which the sailors all declare
```They have often seen disporting,
```As they sailed in foreign parts,
```Here and there and everywhere.=
```"And when editors of papers
```Have no other news than this,
```They will always find a space
```For the story of a Captain,
```A Lieutenant, or a Mate,
```How this Monster they did face.=
```"And these stories vary strangely,
```As such stories ofttimes do,
```And they none of them agree
```As to length, or the appearance,
```Or in details such as these,
```Of this Creature of the Sea.=
```"Some declare it's 'very lengthy,'
```Others say it's 'rather short,'
```And a Captain from the South
```Says he saw it quite distinctly
```With a schooner fully rigged
```Disappearing down its mouth.=
```"Oh! it's 'somewhat like a Camel,'
```Or it's 1 very like a Whale;'
```But the truth I now will sing:
```It's like that Mrs. Harris
```Mr. Dickens wrote about,
```There '_was never no sich thing._'"=
Great applause followed the singing and presently some one called out,"Sing the Alphabet song."
"Yes, yes," cried several fishes at once, "Alphabet song, Alphabetsong."
So the two Soles bowed and commenced as follows:--
ALPHABETICUS.
```" One day A Cockney, who shall B
````The hero of our song,
```Went out an Irish friend to C
````And said he'd not be long.=
```"This friend lived by the River D.
````Although an Irishman,
```He laughed with glee his friend to see,
````And thus their converse ran:=
```"'Bedad, how are ye?' with a bow,
````Said Paddy, quite a swell;
```The Cockney said, l'E'oped as'ow
````The Irishman wus well.'=
```'Quite well, and F ye'll come wid me
````I'd think it kind; for why?
```I'm going to Town 011 my G-gee
````A large H bone to buy.'=
```"'My friend, I will, upon my word'
````The Cockney then did say,
```'I'll come with you just like a bird--
````A bird they call a J.'=
```"'Come, thin,' said Pat, 'no longer waitr
````We're losing half the day;
```And sure thin since we may be late
````We'd better take the K.'=
```"And as they to the town did go,
````'Twas thus the Cockney spake:
```I'll buy an L of calico
````Some handkerchiefs to make.'=
```My wife can M them, them you know
````I'll buy such things as these--
```An old brown N, and perhaps an O,
````To hoe our beans and P's.=
```"'And if we pass a Barber's there,
````I've really half a mind
```To have my hair, I do declare,
````Done in a Q behind.'=
```"'Bedad t'would suit you fine,' said Pat;
````'I'll have mine done as well.
```You R a brick to think of that!
````Oh! sha'n't I look a swell!'=
```"Their shopping took the whole day through
````There was so much to see;
```Then Paddy said 'Allow me to
````Scort you home to T.=
```'"And U and I by hook or crook
````On good things shall be fed.'
```And, like Sam Weller in the book,
````'V vill,' the Cockney said.=
```"They had their tea, then Paddy spoke:
````'I feel in merry case.
```Shall I tell you a funny joke,
````And pull a funny face=
```"'To V with laughter up
```And stand upon my head?'
```'Xactly so,' the Cockney cried,
````'Y, certainly,' he Z."=
Quite a crowd of fishes had gathered round the two Soles while they weresinging this song, and after it was all over one of them went round withhis hat and collected pennies just as the real niggers do. Boy noticedwhile this was going on that the boat was gradually rising to thesurface of the sea, and presently he found that the deck was above thewater and that he was breathing air again. He could see that they wereapproaching a Quay with a number of very quaint, old-fashioned buildingsbeyond it. A great crowd of people were gathered close to the edge ofthe Quay, and were pointing excitedly at something in the water, and asthe boat drew nearer to the shore Boy could hear a number of directionsbeing shouted at once.
"Throw him a rope."
"Nonsense! He is insensible, and wouldn't see it."
"Well, you swim out to him then."
"Sha'n't! Do it yourself."
"Throw stones at him and try and float him ashore that way."
This last direction seemed to find most favour, and everybody beganthrowing stones at the object, whatever it was, in the water.
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The boat had now come quite close to the Quay, and Boy could see thatit was poor One-and-Nine who was attracting all this attention. He wasfloating on the top of the water with his eyes shut and half the paintwashed off one side of his head He looked the picture of misery, but Boywas very glad to find that he was still alive, for he opened his eyesand feebly cried, "Don't throw with such hardness," whenever a stoneaccidentally hit him, which was very frequently, for you see there weresuch a number of people throwing them Boy felt very sorry for his oldcompanion, and as soon as the boat reached the Quay he ran ashore andhurried to the place where they were trying to land the poor WoodenSoldier.
They had just succeeded in dragging him ashore with a boat-hook when Boyreached the crowd, and a fussy little gentleman was telling the peopleto "stand back and give him air."
"Who is that gentleman?" asked Boy of one of the crowd standing nearhim.
"Why, the M.D., of course," was the reply.
Boy being still in doubt ventured to ask what these letters stood for,and was informed that they stood for Mad Doctor. "All doctors are mad,you know," said his informant; "that's why they are obliged to put thoseletters after their names."
Boy had never heard of this before, though he had often wondered whatthe letters meant. He tried to get nearer to One-and-Nine, and justcaught a glimpse of the M.D. bending over him, and heard the WoodenSoldier explaining something about "The wetness of the water."
"Yes, yes, my poor fellow," the M.D. was saying. "Don't try to talk. Hashe any friends here?" he asked, looking round.
"Yes," cried Boy, "I know him," and the crowd immediately parted andmade way for him to get nearer.
"Ah!" said the M.D., looking at Boy over the top of his gold-rimmedglasses. "There's, nothing much the matter with him except a slightattack of 'Water on the grain;'" and the M.D. passed his hand over theWooden Soldier's head where the paint was washed off. "A little Enamelwill soon set that right; go and fetch some," he continued, turning toa small boy in buttons standing near him. The boy hurried off and soonreturned, bearing a large tin of green Enamel and a brush. Boy looked athim in amazement when he came back, for he seemed to have grown severalinches taller in the few minutes that he had been away. No one else,though, seemed to have noticed it, and the M.D. took the brush and beganto paint the side of One-and-Nine's head green.
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The Wooden Soldier sighed once or twice, and then sat up and lookedaround him.
"Well, my man, how do you feel now?" said the M.D. kindly.
"Oh, a little much more better, thank you," said One-and-Nine faintly."That's not a colour of much fashionableness, though, is it?" he asked,looking at the green Enamel dubiously.
"It's a most uncommon colour for the hair," said the M.D., daubinganother patch at the back of his head, "and will go beautifully withyour red tunic. There, that will do nicely; take the paint away, Bill,"he said to the page-boy.
"Very well, sir," answered a voice a long way up in the air, and turninground, Boy could see that Bill, as he was called, had grown about twiceas tall as he was before. His master did not seem at all surprised,however, and sent him off with the paint.
"And take that medicine to the Lord High Fiddle-de-dee's as soon as youget back," he called out as the boy hurried off, "and say he's to bewell shaken before they give it to him."
The crowd was beginning to disperse, and One-and-Nine seemed to be allright again, although Boy thought that he looked rather peculiar withpart of his head painted green.
"Which way are you going?" asked the M.D., smiling kindly at Boy.
"Oh! back to the boat again, I think," answered Boy; but when he turnedto the Quay he found that the boat had disappeared.
"Why, it's gone!" he cried.
"Oh yes," said the M.D., "it only stays here for a few moments; you hadbetter come with me," he suggested kindly.
Boy thought that they might as well do that as anything else, soOne-and-Nine and he followed the M.D. through the quaint street with thecurious old houses.
"There's my Bronchitis," cried the M.D. suddenly, pointing to a largehouse on the right, "and there's my Sciatica opposite; I have a WhoopingCough in the next street, and the Measles a little further on," he addedproudly.
Boy looked around in alarm, wondering whatever the M.D. meant.
"Oh, here comes my Lumbago," he cried, as an old gentleman walking withcrutches came hobbling along the street, and then Boy could see that hehad been referring to his patients.
The M.D. stopped to speak to his Lumbago, and Boy could see thepage-boy, taller than ever, hurrying down the street with a basket onhis arm containing some medicine-bottles.
"That boy grows very quickly," said Boy to One-and-Nine while they werewaiting for the M.D.
"Doctors' Bills always do," said One-and-Nine unconcernedly; "that's howthe Doctors live, you know."'
"What do you mean?" exclaimed Boy.
"Why, when a Doctor's Bill grows too long, his patients pay him to geta shorter one--that's how it is that M.D.'s change their boys with suchfrequentness."
"What a lot of things I am learning to-day, to be sure," thought Boy asthe M.D. came back to them.
"Most interesting case," he declared, evidently referring to theold gentleman whom he had just left. "The Lumbago is turning toHaberdashery in the left leg." Then seeing that Boy looked very puzzledhe added, "That's the scientific name for 'Pins and Needles,' you know."
"Oh!" said Boy. "Have you very many patients?" he asked.
"Oh yes," said the M.D., smiling happily; "this is a most delightfullyunhealthy spot. Good gracious," he continued, "there's that boy fightingagain." And the M.D. strode forward to where a small crowd was gatheredround the Doctor's Bill and another boy, who were fighting desperately.The M.D. rushed between them, and giving his boy a sharp box on theears, asked him "what he meant by fighting with a common Grocer's Bill."
"It's most unseemly," he went on, "for you to be continually quarrellingwith Tradesmen's Bills: remember you have a position to keep up, and ifyou must fight, never let me catch you doing so again with any one lessthan a Lawyer's Bill at least."
"Please, sir," blubbered the Doctor's Bill, "there isn't a Lawyer's Billmy size in the kingdom; the shortest one is twice as long as I am."
"Very well, then, don't fight at all," said the M.D. severely, and theDoctor's Bill walked away sniffing and sobbing with the basket on hisarm, while the Grocer's Bill stood a little way off making grimaces athim.
"These Bills are a great nuisance," said the M.D., "and are continuallyquarrelling; but I must leave you now, for I have to visit the Lord HighFiddle-de-dee, who is suffering with Gout. Good-day," and he hurried upthe stone steps of a handsome building on the opposite side of thestreet.
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