by Alana Terry
“I’m amazed you were able to find beauty in the situation. All I felt was terror, huddled all by myself until the sun came up. I have a lot to learn from you, Hadassah.”
Hadassah hated feeling patronized. She gave no response.
“I hope you don’t think Matt and I were doing anything we shouldn’t.”
She mustered up as much truth as she could. “I didn’t know what to think.”
“He needed to talk. I can understand if it looked strange, walking in on the two of us talking by candlelight at three in the morning but I assure you it wasn’t at all what you think. He wanted to talk to someone who wouldn’t gossip.”
“Are you saying this because you hope I’ll keep it secret about you and Matt?”
“You’re my friend, Hadassah, so I won’t manipulate you. And second of all, he’s eleven years younger than me, and like a brother at that. All I’m saying is I keep secret what my friends tell me.”
Jealousy still gripped Hadassah’s heart despite Christina’s reassurances. “It’s okay,” Hadassah mumbled, even though it wasn’t. It might be again one day, so it wasn’t entirely a lie. Out of the corner of her eye she saw the gleam of starlight off Christina’s teeth. The woman had such perfect teeth, while Hadassah’s... she should have had braces but opted out. Now she wished she hadn’t.
“Here.” Christina handed Hadassah an iPod. “It’s retro, but it still works, and it has a good mix. I have the whole library of Nicole C. Mullen’s music, if you like her. I know a lot of it’s older, but it’s classic. And here’s an album of some hymns beautifully redone by Abigail Zsiga—I like this album when I’m yearning for stillness. You can look through the lists if you want. I know when I’m anxious or upset the music calms me.”
“Me too.” She didn’t want to take the iPod, but figured she had been offensive enough already. “Thanks.”
She stared at the pale LED screen and shuffled through the library. The playlist names intrigued her: broken heart, cradled, in the mist, on a red dawn, racing thoughts and when it snows. She chose cradled, for she wanted to be. The sound of Misty Edwards’s voice on the first song evoked a tear. “Simple Devotion” was one of Dad’s favorite songs. She prayed for Dad within her throbbing sorrow. In the arms of God, her Abba Father, she felt cradled indeed. Although her heart ebbed and flowed with a chaos of emotion, she felt a stillness in the core of her being. And although her body shook, as if in echo of her emotions and as if she was outside on this cold January night instead of inside this warm house, she grew aware of the Lord. She tried her best to steer away from anger and accusation. And her fingertips felt as raw as her heart. She rubbed them against her teeth as she tried to reel in her thoughts. In her heart stood a throne and the Lord, her Lord, sat upon it.
“This hurts,” she told Him. “This hurts so much. How did all this happen so fast?”
MRS. COOPER WOKE HADASSAH from the common room floor at 5:30am. “I thought you were hurt or sick, honey. If I didn’t see those earphones on you I’d have feared the worst.”
“Sorry,” Hadassah confessed. “I couldn’t sleep upstairs. I kept thinking all these negative thoughts last night.”
Mrs. Cooper sighed. “I should’ve made myself more available. I suspect you weren’t the only one to feel the barbs of the enemy last night. We have an enemy in the unseen realm, honey, and he ain’t happy about what y’all are gettin’ ready to do. Never mind slave owners who find out you’re busting in to free their captives. But right now, girl, you can help me make the coffee and toast the bagels.” She giggled. “That’ll be warfare enough for the morning. And perhaps you can share your trials with me so I can pray for you.”
“I’m not... I don’t really know how to explain it. Does the enemy make you like someone you’re not supposed to?”
“Ah.” Mrs. Cooper looked at her in a delicate and motherly way. “You talkin’ ’bout one of the young men here, ain’t ya?”
“Matthew,” Hadassah whispered.
“What was that, love?”
Hadassah didn’t know if she had the courage to repeat his name. “Oh, one of the guys here, yeah.” She began to scrape at her raw fingertips again.
“It sounded like you said Matthew.”
“I did.” She surveyed the room again to make sure no one else overheard. She was angry and smitten at the same time and wanted to untangle her emotions privately rather than under scrutiny.
“If y’all were a little older, and the nature of R.S.O. was any different, I’d say to try and see how it works out, especially with a young man of God like Matthew. But, honey, I can’t encourage it at all. If not dating seems too much of a burden, then by all means we’ll help you get back to New York today.”
“I can’t go back to New York even if I wanted to. But I’d like to stay here if I can.”
“Then I’ll pray with you.”
Hadassah stuffed bagels into the toaster slots. Of all the advances in technology over the last century and a half, why were toaster slots always too thin for bagels? And why do I think about these things when asked about my emotions? She reeled her thoughts back.
“I’d like that.” Her body shuddered as she fought the lump in her throat. A single tear escaped. Then two. Then two more. She wiped them off on her shoulder and tried to butter a few of the bagels popping up. Tears in her throat and heat on her fingers dosed reality to her.
Mrs. Cooper placed a comforting arm around her shoulders. “Your tears aren’t weakness, Hadassah. You’re the first of the new recruits to be this honest with me. Lord, I ask: Would You strengthen this young woman in her inmost being? Would You set Your angels around her to protect her? Would You teach Hadassah how to guard her heart, where You sit on the throne? We ask this in the precious Name of Jesus, Amen.”
Other team members began to show up in search of coffee, lured, perhaps, by the scent of toasted bagels. Hadassah rubbed the rest of her tears off on her shoulder.
Mrs. Cooper put an arm around her. “Sugar, you just make sure you run to God and not from Him whenever you’re strugglin’, okay?”
Hadassah lowered her eyes. “Thanks, Mrs. Cooper.”
“Pass it on, honey, pass it on. Y’all could use a flow of encouragement in the ranks.”
Andrea shuffled toward the percolator with eyes half open. “I could use a flow of coffee. I love you to pieces, Lisa, but you snored like a freight train last night, and knowing we’d be leaving early—I don’t think I slept five minutes.”
Lifting her eyes, Hadassah saw Priscilla show her first small smile since the girl arrived. The sight of this smile yanked her out of brooding.
Lisa stretched her arms high and wide. “I slept enough to feel beautiful. You should all try snoring—it works wonders at keeping me asleep through the night.”
Tameka gasped. “One snorer is enough. I hope the rumor is true about Mr. Cooper doling out eye masks in the van.”
“We could use ear plugs as well,” Hyun commented dryly amid a chorus of cheers and laughter.
“I will tell y’all this,” Mrs. Cooper said, “you ladies have an hour to clean the upstairs, gentlemen, the downstairs. Make sure y’all have your belongings out to the vans by 7:30am, or it’ll go to Mrs. Gibbons’ charity come Monday. Grab bagels and coffee and go, go, go people!”
“That’s what I like to hear,” Mr. Cooper said, “the Missus taking charge first thing in the morning and lighting a fire under everyone.” He filled his coffee cup and lifted it toward his wife before taking a sip. “Go, Mrs. Cooper.”
With the house cleaned and the vans packed, Hadassah gathered with everyone to pray before leaving. Then the weary group piled in wherever they found space and readied themselves for the journey. Hadassah found an empty seat between Paul and Priscilla, whom she had hardly spoken with since she arrived five days ago. She was glad for the reprieve from jokes and socializing after the morning rush, since her wrestling with anger and jealousy had intensified over bagels and coffee.
Mr.
Cooper came by with a box of eye masks for everyone. Thankfully this rumor was true—she wanted an excuse to hide at least half of her face. Settling down in her seat, she forced herself to sleep while Paul quietly prayed in the Spirit beside her.
“So the masks weren’t a rumor after all,” Priscilla remarked, but Hadassah remembered nothing else until they arrived at the Lighthouse.
Hadassah felt Priscilla shake her gently awake.
“We’re here.” The girl was entirely gracious about the line of drool extending from the corner of Hadassah’s mouth to her shoulder. She didn’t even wipe it off.
Thoroughly embarrassed, Hadassah could hardly look Priscilla in the eye. “I’m so sorry.”
“There’s no need.” She smiled a second time. “It happens to everyone.”
Part 2
I DO NOT RUN LIKE SOMEONE running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air. No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize. ~ the Apostle Paul ( Corinthians 9:26-27)
Chapter 20: The Lighthouse
THE LIGHTHOUSE TRAINING Base
Somewhere in NC, USA
Later that morning
Hadassah stumbled and staggered out of the van, still half asleep, and gathered with everyone else around the new guy. The man looked forty-five or fifty years old and stood like a general waiting for his army in front of this camp called the Lighthouse. His dog, a chocolate Labrador, sat alert beside him.
“Everyone, I’d like you to meet Lawrence Murray,” Mr. Cooper said. “Some of you may have met him already, but for those who have not, I’m Mr. Murray’s right hand man. He’s the real deal. While I’ve been rounding you up and going over the basics, Mr. Murray has been cleaning the campgrounds, finishing the electrical and bathing this place in prayer. He’s at least half the brains and more than half the brawn behind R.S.O., and now that we’re here, I’ll let him take charge. Murray?”
Unlike many military or paramilitary personnel, Mr. Murray was overshadowed by the presence of the Lord; he seemed to have a glow about him. When he started off with prayer, Hadassah felt strong conviction, especially about her anger and jealousy. She knew instinctively these emotions were unhealthy, and now she knew why. They needed teamwork at R.S.O. for the safety of everyone. Her jealousy undermined the whole ethos of the organization.
Mr. Murray surveyed everyone’s faces with both scrutiny and compassion. “The first thing I’m going to ask of you is to help with the cleaning. We purchased this camp at a really good price because no one wanted it. You’ll see why in a few minutes, but first I want to show you where the rubber boots, overalls, and shovels are. Now, I’m sure I don’t have everyone’s sizes right, and you’re welcome to use your own boots if you’d like, but I wouldn’t. By the way, the dog’s Boaz. If you introduce yourself to him slowly, he’ll be your friend for life. If you move too quick when he’s meeting you he’ll be suspicious of you from here on out and will bark when you approach. For now, he stays with me. The rest of you can follow me too.”
He led them over to the tool shed set on a hill from which they could survey the buildings below. There were two rows of log cabins, none more than 250 square feet, with twelve cabins altogether; a large, green dumpster sat in between the rows of cabins.
At the end of rows there was a two story building, also built from logs. It was lined with wide decks and porches and boasted a chimney with the inviting sight of smoke rising and wisping through the delicate breeze. The lampposts on each side of the entry path added to the welcome this building exuded. Mr. Murray had even hung a ‘Welcome to the Lighthouse’ banner between the lampposts.
Hadassah began to get ‘camp’ excitement, remembering those summer weeks away from her parents as a child. The Lighthouse looked slightly littered, but compared with her expectations, it wasn’t so bad. Everyone turned to Mr. Murray again for the next directions.
“Now I know you want rest after a long week and several hours in a van, but I can’t promise you rest. But I will promise, after you’ve cleaned your respective cabins, you’ll have new mattresses for your cots and a hot dinner in the Lodge. I’ve cleaned the kitchen already, and I cleaned the cook’s quarters.”
“Um,” Amelia broke in, raising her hand.
“Yes?” Mr. Murray asked.
“First of all, thanks for cleaning my quarters, and secondly, can I go by ‘chef’ instead of ‘cook’?”
Mr. Murray narrowed his eyes at her. “Are you ready for that weight of expectation? If we give you the title ‘chef’, we’ll expect delicious.”
Amelia grinned in return. “I went to culinary school for that weight of expectation, sir. I look forward to the challenge.”
“Then we look forward to being the guinea pigs,” he said, with a quick half smile. “Especially those of us who ate what the army cooks prepared.”
Loud laughs burst from the former military personnel.
“Seriously though, Chef, your cabin mates will assist you in the kitchen tonight. That will be...” he paused to check the clipboard, “Lisa and Hannah. You’ll have a lot of setting up to do in the kitchen, but you’ll find ingredients in the fridge and on the counter. You three can go ahead now.
“And for the rest of you—as soon as I call your name, and the name of your cabin mate, step over here, choose your boots, shovel and overalls and Mr. Cooper will give you your cabin key. Ezekiel and Paul; Maleek, Pedro and Zacharias; David and Matthew; Hadassah and Rose; Christina, Andrea and Priscilla; Robert and Adam; Hyun and Tameka. That’s everyone. I recommend you be white glove meticulous. I’ll come around with cleaning supplies as soon as you’re done with the shovels.”
On the porch of Hadassah and Rose’s cabin there were four pairs of gloves: two pairs of thick work gloves and two pairs of yellow rubber gloves. There were also face masks, but Hadassah doubted she needed one—until she and Rose opened the door. Even in the cold the stench was pungent; she wondered if it wouldn’t be better to burn the place down and rebuild. It was a smell somewhere between dead rodents and rotten bananas. Did I gripe yesterday?
Rose’s eyes welled up. “I don’t think I can do this, Hadassah.”
Holding her breath, Hadassah surveyed the cabin again. She quickly closed the door. Her brief glance had revealed to her a two-foot thick pile of everything from candy wrappers and rotting food to animal droppings and campfire ashes. There had to be ten to twelve touristy t-shirts mixed into the heap, decomposing at the same rate as the banana peels. She looked at Rose as soon as she caught her breath. “We’ll do it together. I’ll fill the trash bags if you run them to the dumpster.”
“Are you sure you want to?” Rose asked.
“Want? No, but I don’t mind the gross jobs. I have a tough stomach.”
“You must have a stomach of steel. But thank you. I really, truly owe you one.”
“There will be lots of opportunity over the next few months, I’m sure.” She lifted the latch but held the door closed a moment more. “I’ll need one of those face masks.”
The persistent jealousy regarding Matthew provided fuel for her work. By the time she had filled the fifteenth bag, the sun shone through the bare branches of trees at the west of the campgrounds. She had taken off her sweater and continued to sweat in just a long-sleeve t-shirt, but she was well over halfway through and didn’t want to stop. Meanwhile, Rose scrubbed the outside, ran bags to the dumpster, and brought refills of drinking water back. Hadassah wondered if she had even an hour of daylight left, but didn’t dare take a break long enough to remove her gloves and look at her watch.
Even in the cool January air, sweat dripped down her brow and along her face until she could taste it. Her hair fell out of its ponytail and wisped into her eyelashes more than a few times. But the rancid smell was diminishing, finally.
Mr. Murray came by to check on their progress when she had finished her eighteenth bag. “You weren’t planning on sleeping on
your porch, were you?”
“I might enjoy the fresh air.” Hadassah donned her best smile. Even if Mr. Murray couldn’t see the smile behind the mask, he might be able to hear it. “But it’s a little cold outside so I’m going to have to keep going.”
“I like your determination, but David and Matthew are coming to help you. They need some help sanitizing their cabin, and it looks like you need a change of pace.”
Hadassah took off her gloves and mopped her forehead with the back of her forearm before looking at her hands. Two of her five blisters had popped. “Wow. That’s gonna hurt tomorrow.”
“Andrea, the nurse, is with Mrs. Cooper at the first aid station near the dumpster,” Mr. Murray said. “Make sure you drink some more water before you start cleaning.”
“Yes, sir.” She leaned her shovel against the wall and staggered out toward the porch stairs, trying to leave before Matthew got there. The breeze was so refreshing. And what invigorating smell rode on it? Perhaps the surrounding forest? A river?
Matthew stood at the foot of the porch stairs with his hand extended toward her. She stared at it as if he offered a live electrical wire.
“Can I help you down the stairs?” Matthew was grinning at her.
She shook her head no, but said, “Sure, thanks,” convincing herself it was merely a gentlemanly gesture, and she was trembling too much to refuse. He was so gentle with her blistered hand. And his smile lit up the sunset.
“We’ll make sure you have a place to sleep tonight. Somewhere the bears won’t get you.”
Hadassah stepped down gingerly. “Are there really bears here?”
Dave laughed loudly. “We wouldn’t want to chance it. Well, actually, I would, but we wouldn’t want to chance you young ladies. You can prove to us you’re tough in other ways.”
As soon as she stepped down, she let go of Matthew’s hand quickly. Too quickly. One more of her blisters popped and smeared his hand, mortifying her almost to silence. “I’m so sorry!”