by Alana Terry
Suddenly, Matthew’s shadow blocked the blazing sun.
“Do you mind if I sit next to you?”
With quivering hands she removed her headphones. “Go ahead.”
He sat on the adjacent sun chair and smiled at her. “I want to thank you again for saving my life.”
As she smiled, guilt writhed within her heart again. “Yeah. I’m glad I was there at the right time.”
He reclined and stared at her. “How are you doing about Zeke?”
“I should be asking you. You were closer to him than most of us.”
Matthew shut his eyes much longer than a blink would require. “It hasn’t hit me yet.”
“Really?”
He sighed. “I feel like a coward. He was so fearless, so sure about heaven, and there I was, hardly able to lift my head.”
“You had a concussion, Matthew. I think God gave Zeke grace to face what came. None of us could do what he did without God’s grace.”
He turned his face toward the sky. “You seem so strong about all this.”
“I’ve struggled with feeling like a coward, too.”
“At the same time, after seeing what happened with Zeke, my faith might actually be as big as a mustard seed now.”
She smiled at him, even though he wasn’t looking at her, and allowed a tear to slide down her temple and into her hair. She opened her mouth to tell him of all the emotions she held and hid for him, but her voice failed her. She closed her eyes and prayed.
Chapter 33: Confessions
AFTER THE TEAM RETURNED to the Lighthouse, Pastor Gibbons arrived to lead the memorial service for Ezekiel. Tears were shed for Zeke, but not as many as Hadassah anticipated. Except for Priscilla. Priscilla cried as if her heart had shattered at the news. As Hadassah saw her friend’s inconsolable tears, she realized what Priscilla had referenced several months before, during their cell group meeting. Or rather, who. She, too, had hidden love for another recruit in her heart. Priscilla had been in love with Zeke.
Mrs. Cooper accompanied Priscilla when she flew to the Philippines to pick up her sister. But instead of returning to the Lighthouse with Mrs. Cooper, Priscilla went home to Florida with Filipa.
Her leaving hit Hadassah like a fastball at Yankees’ Stadium. The bravery Priscilla showed in Manila matched Zeke’s in Puerto Vallarta, and Hadassah thought she really might stay.
The morning after Priscilla left, Hadassah sat on the porch of her cabin and rocked in the bench swing, staring blankly at the ants working busily in the bright sunlight. She sat and stared for so long she didn’t notice Matthew standing at the pillar beside her.
“You want company?”
She smiled wider than she intended and stopped the swing.
“It’s gonna kill me, yo, if I don’t talk to you soon.” He sat on the bench beside her.
Her smile quickly faded and she braced herself. He might know already. He might have come to let her down gently. “Go ahead.”
“I am in love with you, Hadassah. I have been in love with you from the first week I met you. I’ve almost dropped out a dozen times because of the guidelines, except I believe so strongly in what we’re doing. And I have never met someone who is as natural at this as you are, girl, except maybe Hyun or Dave. But please—tell me you hate me, tell me you wish I’d quit, tell me something in return. When you look at me like that, I wish I hadn’t said anything.”
Hadassah sat completely speechless for a full minute, hardly able to breathe, listening to the sound of work around the camp, of hammers, table saws, the emotions pounding her heart. “I think I need to talk to Mr. and Mrs. Cooper first.” She couldn’t understand why she would say this right off the bat.
His hands collapsed into his lap. “Oh.”
“Wait. I meant to say I feel the same, and have since I met you in Greensboro, but it’s been a struggle for me. I thought you had feelings for someone else; or at least I tried to convince myself of that when it was too painful to love you.”
“You love me?” His hands flew into his conversation once more. “You mean you’ve been in love with me all this time and I didn’t know it?” His face beamed, and Hadassah thought for a moment he might even shed a tear. “Just knowing this... everything makes sense now. This is why you’ve been avoiding me almost since we met.”
She nodded, too embarrassed to answer out loud.
“I was trying to avoid you too, for a while. It didn’t work.”
“I know what you mean. We should talk to the Coopers, though,” Hadassah said.
He stared into her eyes. “You saved my life, girl, first in Manila and then in the jungle. Thank you. I just... I couldn’t die without telling you I love you. In a way, Puerto Vallarta scared me. I want to be ready to meet the Lord any time He calls me, like Zeke was ready. But I wanted you to know I love you, Hadassah. I’m so into you, girl.”
The fullness of emotion in his eyes shook the last dusty places in her heart.
“But you’re right,” he continued, “we should talk with the Coopers. I’ll talk to Mr. Cooper first.”
“What would you like me to do, Matthew?”
“Maybe we can start being honest with each other,” he said with a gleam. “And you can start calling me Matt.”
“Okay, Matt.” She stared at him for a long time without saying what she knew she had to. “I spoke with Mrs. Cooper a year and a half ago, when I started with R.S.O., and she prayed with me for several weeks so I wouldn’t be distracted by my feelings toward you.”
“Did it work?”
“It did for a while. I stopped having dreams about you for almost nine months. But then I fell for you all over again.”
“In Manila?”
She nodded and hid her eyes. “The night Priscilla stayed in the alley, and I thought you’d been shot while we were running to the pier, then you took the blame for all of us with Rafaelo. All the while I thought you were mad at me.”
“I wasn’t mad at you.”
She glanced at the wood slats beneath her feet. “I don’t want to give up the search for my dad, not for anything.”
“I won’t ask you to. I don’t want to give up searching for my dad either, especially since I’d probably find yours when I find mine.”
She suppressed her smile, tried to hide her racing heart. “Do you think the Coopers would make an exception for us?”
“Do you think it would be wise of them?”
“I don’t know. I want it to be.” She looked up at him again. “I’ve wanted it to be okay for so long it’s been hard to think straight. But I’m glad to talk to you plainly.”
“I thought my feelings toward you were one-sided, except you did give hints here and there.” He winked at her.
“I’m sorry, Matt, if I caused you to stumble.”
He folded his hand over her fidgety hand and drew both her hand and her gaze his way. “I haven’t stumbled. And you didn’t cause me to stumble. When I look at you, Hadassah, I see the person I want to grow old with, who will challenge me to go deeper with God and to be conformed to the image of Christ. And the more I talk to you, the more I’m sure you feel the same.”
Tears slid silently down her cheeks. “I do.”
“I want to do something, girl, so we’re not wandering around with shame over the way we feel toward one another. I’ll be honest with you—you’re my Eve.”
“I’m not ready to move so fast, Matt.”
“We’ve taken it slow already, yo. We waited over a year before even expressing our feelings for each other.”
“But don’t you think it would be good to get to know each other before declaring serious intentions?”
“We’ve already declared serious intentions. At least I have toward you, and I’m not ashamed of feeling this way. Are you?”
“I’ve fought these emotions for so long and built walls against them.”
“Please don’t do that to me, girl. Please don’t lead me on one minute then dash my hopes the next. I have he
ld this in for so long.”
Even while he held her hand, she scraped at her fingertips with her thumbnail.
He brushed his thumb over her tensed hand.
“You didn’t tell anyone?” she asked.
“I talked to Christina. You walked in on our conversation back at NoCaHoP, and I hated what you must have thought of me.”
“I was so jealous I almost quit.”
He hung his head. “Did you tell anyone?”
“Besides Mrs. Cooper, I told Hyun.”
Matt’s cheeks turned a peculiar hue akin to cherries. “Hyun? Really? You might as well have told my mom.”
“Actually, Hyun pried it out of me one night, but she promised not to talk about it.”
“Paul knows, but I tell him most things. Other than that I have held this secret so close, and I’m suffocating under your rejection.”
“Matt, I’m not rejecting you. I’m just asking you to take it slow, until we get to know each other for real and we stop keeping this secret from one another. Are you okay with that?”
“I am.” He stared at her for a long time, then smiled. “And I’m excited for the possibilities.”
She allowed a smile to burst out of her again. “Me too.”
THREE DAYS AFTER MRS. Cooper came back from the Philippines, Hadassah sat down with her to talk about Matt.
“Did Matthew share with Mr. Cooper what you just shared with me?” Mrs. Cooper asked.
“Yes, Mrs. Cooper, he did last week.”
“My husband hasn’t mentioned it to me yet, but I assume it’s because so much has happened. How are you dealing with Zeke’s death?”
“It hit me at one point the other day, and I cried in the bathroom for almost an hour, but then I felt the comfort of the Lord around me. Zeke wanted to be with Jesus more than anything, and that, above all else, gives me comfort. I’m just sad for Priscilla.”
“We all are. But how is your arm?”
“It itches.”
Mrs. Cooper nodded. “I bet it does. About Matt, I’m going to have a talk with my husband, and we’ll pray together. In the meantime, why don’t you read through Esther?”
“Sure, but why?”
“Because, Hadassah, you were born for such a time as this.”
Later in the afternoon, when Hadassah read that passage of scripture, she tried to figure out what Mrs. Cooper had been insinuating. Was she supposed to prepare for marriage like Esther did in chapter 2? Would she leave Revelation Special Ops, like Robert and Hannah did the first year? Her prayers were open and honest, but she did more talking to God than listening, because it scared her to listen. She skipped dinner and remained in prayer, not wanting to see Matt and grow faint with emotion.
Chapter 34: All the Options
“HADASSAH.” HYUN WOKE her gently the following morning. “Matt is on the porch. He says the two of you have a meeting this morning with Mr. and Mrs. Cooper.”
The disquiet crossing Hadassah’s face must have prompted Hyun to ask, “Is everything okay?”
“I fasted and prayed all day yesterday, Hyun, and I think I know what the Lord has spoken to my heart, but I am afraid of what it will mean about my standing with R.S.O.”
“Have you and Matt done something?”
Hadassah shook her head. “We’ve just talked. But I love him and he loves me.”
Hyun’s eyes widened and she smiled.
“Actually, he loved me before I loved him. A few days before, anyway. But I don’t know if I’m ready.”
“What are you afraid of?” Hyun asked.
“You know the rules. They’ll let us go.”
“But you said you didn’t do anything to express your love other than talk to one another.”
“I know, but Matt is talking about pursuing it and making it permanent. Remember Robert and Hannah?”
“They left because they wanted to get married right away,” Hyun explained. “Also, both of them were in their twenties. You’re still young, Haddy.”
“I know.”
“And I think Mr. Cooper will do what he can to keep you and Matt with R.S.O. You are two of the best.”
“I’ve made so many mistakes here,” Hadassah said. “What I did in Mexico, to the dog—that haunts me.”
“You saved a man’s life from an animal trained to kill. Furthermore, he’s the man you love.”
“And I dismissed protocol in the Philippines.”
“Again, this was to save someone’s life. If you remember, Matt, Pris, Zeke and Paul helped you.”
“I know. Pris was amazing that night.”
“God was amazing through all of you. Mr. Murray and Mr. Cooper said in the end that you guys did the right thing. You stayed with R.S.O. that time; I have a feeling you’re going to stay this time. But you better go now, or you’ll miss your meeting.”
When Hadassah stepped out the door, Matt was sitting on the steps of the cabin porch looking as forlorn as she probably did. Boaz lay curled up at his feet, sighing and staring up at the two of them then stretching and falling back to sleep on the dirt.
“I’m sorry I took so long.” Hadassah sat down beside Matt and stretched forward to rub the belly of the dog at his feet.
Matt scratched behind Boaz’s ears and gave a sad smile. “I didn’t know if you were having second thoughts.”
It was a chilly morning for May, refreshing against the skin but causing muscles to ache. There was a strong ocean breeze.
“I don’t have second thoughts about loving you.” Hadassah looked at him. “I’m just weighing all the options. Shall we pray together?”
As they sat on the porch steps, he held her hand in the early morning sun.
As soon as Matt finished praying, Hadassah looked up at him. “I want to keep doing the work we’re doing here.”
“Me too.”
“Am I being selfish?”
He shrugged his shoulders the way he always did, with his head cocked toward his right and the right shoulder raised higher than the left one. “Do you think so?” He stood before she gave an answer.
She slipped her hand into his and they walked toward the main building. So what if anyone noticed? “Do you think we’ll ever go on a date like a normal couple? I mean, if we stay here at R.S.O.”
Matt laughed loudly, putting her at ease. “What sort of date would you like to go on?”
“Not a movie, but somewhere I could spend more time with you.”
“You mean where it’s just me and you, instead of me and you and at least six other people?” He laughed again. “Fancy that.”
“Well, I wasn’t thinking completely alone, but around uninterested people.”
“Walking on the beach?”
“That might be fun. Or rock climbing.”
“Or bumper cars. What? What’s that look for? Yeah, it’s a total tourist trap, but I can guarantee there will be 300 uninterested strangers at any given time. And I haven’t done bumper cars in years. Have you?”
“No.” She giggled as they ascended the stairs to Mr. Cooper’s office. “But I don’t know if I want bumper cars to be my first date.”
“Your first date ever?”
“Aside from sharing popcorn with a boy from my youth group when I was eleven, yes. I’ve been far too busy since then to notice boys.”
“Until I came along,” Matt said with a wink as he knocked on Mr. Cooper’s door.
“You, sir, are not a boy but a man, and trust me, I noticed you.” She smiled nervously as they waited and slipped her hand back to her side again.
Mrs. Cooper opened the door and welcomed them to sit at the couches. Matt and Hadassah sat on one couch, Mr. and Mrs. Cooper on the other. Hadassah scraped the tips of her fingers on one hand while her other hand entwined with Matt’s.
“I have to say,” Mrs. Cooper began, “that y’all make the cutest couple in the world. I loved hearing you laugh and giggle the entire way here.”
Mr. Cooper smiled at his wife, and then turned toward Matt and Had
assah with a more serious expression. “I knew when Mr. Murray and I started Revelation Special Ops, and we’d have both guys and girls at the Lighthouse, a situation like yours would arise one day. And I gave a lot of thought as to how I would like to handle it. My actions are going to be different from my conclusions last year, because I’ve spent the last week praying about this. I gave Robert and Hannah the option to come back after a year of marriage, but the Lord had another plan for them. I could let the both of you leave right away and come back after a year of marriage. But I have two assignments coming up, and I was wondering if the two of you would be willing to do these first.”
Hadassah and Matt both spoke at the same time.
“Sure,” she said with her usual enthusiasm.
“What sort of assignment?” Matt asked with more reserve than usual.
“Mr. Murray and I would need you each in separate directions at the same time,” Mr. Cooper answered. “Hadassah, you’d be going with Pedro, Zach, Tameka, Hyun and Christina to Rome. There are a number of aspects to this op including the search and rescue of Zach’s sister in one of three possible nightclubs in the Trastevere district. This is the reason we’ll be calling the mission Operation White Stone.
“You’ll meet up with a friend of mine in Rome named Elisha who needs reconnaissance work done on some potential terrorists, and we believe his mission and ours are related. All in all you’ll be in Rome one month tops. You’d leave in two weeks.”
He turned to Matt. “You’d be going to Iraq with Dave, Maleek, Adam and Paul. This is a more delicate operation, since you’ll go right into Babylon to rescue some missionaries caught in the midst of a classified dispute between the countries involved. This may be the most dangerous operation to date, and I understand if you decline.”
“I’d like to pray about it,” Matt answered. “But tell me first why you’d want me in particular to go on this trip.”
“My source says your dad’s among the missionaries there.”
Matt rubbed his eyes with his fingers before turning his gaze to Hadassah and then to Mr. Cooper. “What can I say? Of course I’ll do it if that’s the case.”