Seeking Refuge

by Alana Terry

  When the popcorn scene began, Alexa jumped up and took their plates to the kitchen. She heard his chuckles as the popcorn began popping. Long after the scene should have ended, she carried a huge bowl of popcorn and a roll of paper towels to the living room and then dashed back to the kitchen for glasses of water.

  She passed him the bowl and nodded at the remote. “Thanks. You didn’t have to, but thanks.”

  “Timing is perfect.”

  “Wes—his rule. He says we can’t let this scene pass without good popcorn to compensate for Bob’s burned failure.”

  THE FIRST BITE OF POPCORN was both delicious and unexpected. On the second bite, Darrin smiled. “Parmesan cheese and something else—good!”

  “It’s not as good as Wes’. I never get the garlic just right.”

  Darrin murmured his appreciation as he downed another fistful. Addictive, this popcorn—utterly addictive. They ate, their eyes hardly leaving the screen, as the story unfolded on the screen. When Bob discovered Grace’s secret, Alexa wiped her hands clean, set the popcorn bowl on the table, and took his hand, squeezing it. He knew, just from the understanding expression in her eyes as she glanced up at him, that she prayed Lorie’s transplant would not be as bittersweet.

  Darrin understood the grandfather’s feelings—the pain of it—the uncertainty. He now appreciated his daughter’s love for the tale. She identified with the heroine. She had struggled so much with the moral implications of wanting—needing—an organ that she couldn’t have without a donor or the death of someone to procure.

  Crackles from the stove gave the room such a cozy air as the credits rolled. The song accompanying the credits “What if I Loved You” taunted him. It took him a few seconds to gather the courage to speak, but eventually he forced himself to meet her eyes and whispered, “What if?”

  “I don’t know, but it is an intriguing question, isn’t it?”

  He nodded. “I think I could learn to—so easily.”

  “Tell me something. Why would you want to?”

  He hadn’t expected that question. “You’re a very desirable woman, Alexa. I—”

  “No, that’s not what I meant. I mean, what are you looking for in someone and, well, why are you looking for someone?”

  How open—how vulnerable he should be—that question almost paralyzed him. “You know, I was attracted to you from the moment you slid your card across that table in Barnes and Noble. I just knew you’d come.”

  She shook her head. “I asked about ‘someone,’ not me.”

  “I need to talk about this, okay?”

  Alexa’s nod was all he needed. His mind almost couldn’t keep up with his mouth as he tried to explain. “You were... I don’t know the word—glamorous that first day at the hospital.” He couldn’t meet her gaze as he admitted, “I felt like a man in an old black and white movie, chasing you down like that. It was the first time since my wife left that I’d ever thought of another woman.”

  “I can’t imagine,” she whispered.

  “Look, I have to be what, ten? Fifteen? Years older than you are. I’m just about done with my parenting journey, and I just assumed someone as young as you are might still be hope for that part of life—might want a family.” He chanced a glance at her, but her expression told him nothing.

  “Darrin, I—”

  “I’m almost done, I promise.” He squeezed her hand again, trying to draw some kind of strength from it. “Just as I decided not to put you in the place to have to make that kind of decision, Lorie overheard part of a conversation.”

  Alexa’s eyebrows rose in question. “What?”

  “She didn’t know the context, but something either you or Joe said gave her the impression that you didn’t want or couldn’t have a family. I had a little hope rekindled that morning.”

  As he spoke, Alexa began nodding. “She overheard correctly. I cannot have and do not desire to have children. It’s one reason I’ve never married.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  She shrugged. “In my experience, most men want a family. They may not say as much, but when you talk long enough, you hear it. I avoid relationships because of it. I just don’t want to risk resentment later because a man thinks today that he doesn’t care.”

  “Call me insensitive,” Darrin said, “but I’m relieved.”

  “I understand, but don’t feel insensitive. I’m content to be childless. I’ll tell you about it sometime, but it’s a long story—not the right one for tonight.”

  “So then,” Darrin repeated, “what if? Is there a chance we might work? I know the distance is awkward, but I’m in no rush to meet someone tomorrow and it doesn’t sound like you are either. So, what if?”

  “I’m not.” Alexa stopped him before he could say anything else. “I think that depends on if I am truly someone you could be content with.”

  “What kind of—”

  “No, Darrin, listen.” Alexa shifted, still holding his hand but he felt a change in her. “I have a rich life. I like it. I take several trips a year—sometimes just to get away. I go on location to research. I went to Cairo once using the need to understand an overnight stay. That’s rare, but it happens.”

  He tried to imagine how he’d feel. “With cellphones, Skype...”

  “No, listen. How would you feel about being in a relationship where I can’t be reached easily? I’m not looking to settle down into a domestic life. I’d like to know there is someone to talk to when I’m lonely, but I am also content and happy to be alone.”

  He didn’t believe her. “You just said you are lonely. You can’t be lonely and be content being alone.”

  “Yes, you can. Being lonely doesn’t mean you are not comfortable being alone any more than being hungry means that you are not satisfied without food during much of the day. Sometimes, you just need to eat.”

  Understanding dawned. “So, you are saying that you have no intention of marrying, so if I want a girlfriend, you might be interested?”

  “Actually, no. I’d like to marry someday. I’d like that kind of companionship. I just don’t know if it’s possible. I’m also not going to invest in a casual relationship. The pain isn’t worth it.”

  “Well, that’s a relief.”

  “Is it?” Alexa shook her head and pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs. “What I need to know is—assuming we did end up in a more permanent relationship—would you resent a wife who left periodically, is not domestic in the traditional sense, and who has an independent streak that she’d probably try to control and fail at? Repeatedly.”

  The silence between them grew awkward. Darrin stared at the shadow of Robert Burns and wondered what the old Scotsman would say about such an unromantic conversation between a man and a woman. “Alexa, I—”

  They jumped as a few pounds on the door preceded the appearance of Joe, bursting into the room. “Ok, Thorne. Stand slowly and move away from her.”

  “Joe!”

  Darrin’s eyes widened as he saw the gun drawn on him. He stood, backing away from the couch and standing next to the displaced bookcase, his hands in the air. He’d never felt sillier or more terrified. “What’s going on, Joe?”

  “I’d like an answer to that one myself.” Alexa’s eyes flashed. Illogically Darrin thought she’d never looked more beautiful.

  “I’d like you to go look at the car out front,” Joe growled.

  Alexa glance out the window. “I can’t see. What is it?”

  Darrin answered. “A Ford Focus—obnoxiously small car.”

  Alexa blanched, telling Darrin something was seriously amiss. The gun had been a strong indicator, but something in Alexa’s eyes frightened him. “Alexa? What’s wrong?”

  “That car—”

  “We’ve been looking for a white Ford Focus in connection with the murders in Fairbury. We are looking for someone with network systems knowledge in connection with these murders as well. You met Alexa the day that the first murder occur
red. And, if those weren’t coincidental enough, I learned just a little while ago that you have a sister in Rockland.”

  “Her husband is a brute,” Darrin said, latching onto the one thing he could speak reasonably about. “He won’t let her have anything to do with her family, so she sneaks to the hotel to visit me. I didn’t want anyone going to her house and getting her in trouble with Gary, so I didn’t mention her.”

  “Can you explain the car too?” She didn’t question—she pleaded with him to clear up the mess.

  “Oh, Alexa.” The pain in her eyes hurt. “I just got it tonight.” To Joe, he added, “Check the rental agreement in the glove compartment. A check engine light came in on the other car, so when I realized I had to hit that stretch of highway with just fields most of the way, I traded it in.” Skepticism on Joe’s face prompted him to add desperately, “Do you honestly think if I was who you are looking for that I would have come here in it?”

  He could see it—Alexa was convinced. Joe... not so much. He lowered his weapon, but kept his hand on it. With his other hand, he pulled out his phone and dialed Judith. “Run, or get someone in Rockland, to run all credit card activity for Darrin Thorne of Chicago. I want to know every car he’s rented since September. Also, call his boss and ask if any of their employees own a white Ford Focus.” He held the phone to his chest and glared at Darrin. “Do you go to church?”

  Darrin nodded. “Not regularly, but we go more than we don’t.”

  “Name.”

  “Southside Mission—runs a homeless shelter and several other programs.”

  Turning back to his phone, Joe relayed the information. “Also, get in touch with your pastor at Southside Mission and ask for any members or other regular attendees that own white Ford Focuses and get their contact numbers.” Joe’s expression changed. “What? Oh, right. Sorry, Judith.”

  “Doesn’t like being ordered around by another cop?”

  Darrin almost snickered. Alexa had enjoyed taunting him.

  “I get too focused sometimes.”

  “Focused. Now that’s a good one.” Nerves must have taken over. Why had he cracked a joke at a time like that?

  Joe ignored it. “Do you want to come to the station or go to your room? For now, you need to leave here.” As Alexa started to protest, he added, “It’s just a precaution.”

  Darrin nodded. “I’ll go. I’ll see you in the morning. They’ll have everything straightened out by then.”

  “Joe, really. You think he blew up his own house, risked his daughter’s life, killed his daughter’s best friend and dog—for what? As a red herring? Really?”

  “I can’t rule anything out, Lex. I can’t.”

  She watched as Joe followed Darrin in the white car, down her street, around the corner, and out of sight. “Oh, Lord, what next? Wait. I didn’t ask that. I don’t want anything next.” Disgusted with herself, she added, “Also, would you do something about this talking to myself thing? I don’t need another bad habit.”

  An hour, one Valium, and a glass of water later, Alexa lay in bed, waiting for sleep to overtake her. The night’s conversations replayed themselves in her mind like a record skipping to the same place on the album—repeatedly. She drifted to sleep with the realization that she just might produce a grandchild for her parents after all.

  DARRIN TOSSED FITFULLY. He knew Joe sat outside his door, waiting for news. Being on the third floor of the old Victorian house meant jumping out the window wasn’t likely—and Joe knew it. Until that phone rang outside his door, Darrin wouldn’t sleep.

  Aside from Joe’s rude interruption, the evening had gone well—much better than expected. A déjà vu-like relief washed over him as he remembered her assurances—without the slightest hint of disingenuousness—that she did not want to start a family. Her biological clock—that obnoxious thing of movies and television dramas—did not threaten to sound an alarm at any unsuspecting moment.

  He smiled. She found him attractive—enjoyed his company. He didn’t have to be an egomaniac to see it. He’d almost kissed her. Now he regretted the self-control he had exhibited, but he still wasn’t sure if he was prepared for that. What would it be like to kiss someone other than Miranda?

  One thing kept him from growing excited at the prospect of a relationship with Alexa. She hadn’t sugar coated her personality—her lifestyle. He wasn’t looking for a long-term girlfriend. Would he—could he be content with a marriage such as she had tried to describe? Did he want a life with a woman who might take trips for weeks at a time without him? Would he be able to endure the idea of her alone in places where other men might admire her—flirt with her?

  That thought made him chuckle at himself. Men admired her now, and he had survived knowing it without behaving too ridiculously. Now he was just being foolish and romantic.

  That beautiful laugh, the thought of her consideration for Lorie, so many things washed over his heart. Surely if they grew to love one another, they’d find a way to settle the issue between them. Wasn’t marriage about compromise after all?

  Chapter 30

  NOLAN ARRIVED AS ALEXA rinsed the breakfast dishes. Seeing her hands dripping with water, Darrin hurried through the house to answer the knock. “Oh, Nolan—from the bakery?”

  “Yes.” The man held up a laptop case. “I’m here to work on Alexa’s computer.”

  Darrin stepped back, gesturing for Nolan to enter. A call from his company had killed their lunch date plans, and he wanted to talk to Alexa. He jumped as she called from the kitchen, “Nolan? Are you hungry? I think the breakfast casserole is still hot...”

  “I’m good, thanks.”

  She stepped from the dining room and reached for a coat beside his on the coat rack. “Walk?”

  Relieved, Darrin grabbed his and they took off down the street. They’d reached the town square before either of them spoke. Darrin broke the silence first. “We’re always walking, aren’t we?”

  “We were clearly meant for another era.” Her eyes told him she suspected what he wanted to say. “Me with my clothes, you with your Cary Grant air, and us with our propensity for walking. We should at least be Brits.”

  “Brits... Wasn’t Cary Grant British?”

  “I think. If this was a musical, you’d be Frank Sinatra singing ‘Let’s Take an Old-Fashioned Walk.’”

  “Speaking of another time and place...” He kicked himself. What a stupid way to broach the subject.

  “Darrin, I understand.”

  He turned to her, relieved, and studied her features, searching for some sign of hurt or anger. It wasn’t there. “By the time I fell asleep last night, I had convinced myself that we could make it work. Then I heard Joe’s phone ring and him shuffling down the stairs.” He swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat. “Alexa, I had this mental image of you waking up in the middle of the night because you suddenly wanted to see Algiers. I couldn’t go, you left, and that resentment you talked about—I felt it. I couldn’t risk that. It wouldn’t be fair.” He kicked at a rock as if somehow it would make things better. “Maybe once the idea of this—”

  “You don’t have to explain. I told you; I understand. I’m flattered that you’re disappointed. In a way, so am I. But you’re right.”

  “Do you really think it would be like that?” He couldn’t imagine it.

  “It could be like that. Could. Look,” she added, “I won’t pretend that I don’t know I’d want to change the way I think and do things—change to make things work out, but I can’t promise that I’d be able to. If you change your mind—if you really want to try—just tell me.”

  “I’ll be praying I can let it go,” he whispered. “Why do I care so much?”

  She shrugged. “I don’t think you do. I think it bothers you to think that you’re being selfish about something, but you aren’t. I am. And I know it. I just can’t promise that I can rise above it. So, until that day arrives, we’ll be friends. We’ll have fun together and with Lorie. And I will cheer if t
he Lord brings the right woman for you.”

  “Maybe—”

  “No, Darrin,” she insisted. “Let’s just say we’re fine as we are—at least for now.”

  AS ALEXA SAT STARING at the notebook in front of her, she couldn’t repress a sigh. Nolan worked across the room, making occasional surreptitious glances in her direction. Great. He was concerned about her now. “Are you okay?”

  She opted for candor. “Have you ever wondered if you missed God’s best plan for you, and you were paying for it?”

  He shook his head. “Sounds like bad theology to me. Did something happen while you were out with Darrin?”

  “He wisely decided that we shouldn’t consider risking a relationship.” She heard his sigh and realized that Nolan might be one of the few people who could really understand both sides of the issue.

  “You’re upset.”

  “Actually, I’m not. I just feel like I should be.” She tossed the notebook aside and tucked the pen behind her ear. “I’m disappointed, I guess, but I don’t know him well enough to be attached to him.”

  “And the problem can’t be overcome?”

  Nolan’s attempts to help made her feel worse. “Perhaps—probably not with Darrin.” Maybe now was a good time to let Nolan know why he shouldn’t listen to Wes’ occasional attempts to set them up. “Then again, maybe not with anyone. I thought I had found someone who was content not to have children. And I did,” She pinched the bridge of her nose, wondering why it bothered her so much that she wasn’t bothered. Was she that cold hearted? Was that the real problem? She thought she was cold hearted?

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I am too. All this time I thought babies were the stumbling block to me and a relationship, but it’s more than that. It’s me. I’m too independent and I really don’t want to change that.” She sighed. “Even if I did want to, I don’t know that I could.”

  “You could.” She started to protest, but he continued. “If the Lord wants you to marry, then He’ll either have someone who is comfortable with you as you are, or He’ll be there to help you adapt to the relationship. And Darrin might be that guy. One or both of you might just need time to let Him work on you for a bit.”