by Alana Terry
“Show-off,” Zach grumbled at her side.
“Jealous much?” Shauna asked, grinning up at him.
He looked away and moved to lean against one of the railings leading to the stable doors.
“Can I ask you a question?” She figured it would be easier to ask while looking at Sebastian.
“Sure.”
“You don’t have a girlfriend, right?”
“Right.”
“You said you weren’t in the mood for a fling, but when you’re in the mood, do you have them?”
“I haven’t been in the mood for quite a while, Shauna,” he said, sounding a little closer. She didn’t have the courage to look up just yet.
“How long?” she asked.
“About seven years.” He squatted down next to her.
She looked into his eyes, startled by his answer. “Seven,” she whispered, not knowing whether to believe him.
“Why?”
He looked at her for a moment. “When you’ve had something great, it’s hard to consider that it wasn’t the best you’ll ever have.”
The pain that passed through his eyes made her throat close for a moment. She laid her cheek against Sebastian’s head. She hadn’t considered that he might not be emotionally available.
“What about now? Can you consider having something different, but great now?” She peeked at him above the fur she’d been hiding her face in.
“The possibility is becoming more and more clear,” he said, his gaze somber.
She turned her head, hoping to hide the smile his words brought to her lips and heart.
Later that evening, Shauna lay in bed going over the day in her mind. So many things ran together, she decided to analyze her interaction with each person separately. She saved Zach for last.
Michael’s behavior all day had been peculiar, beginning with his reaction to Zach. He was observant and it didn’t take a PhD to figure out that he liked Zach, but she didn’t expect him to practically throw her at him. What would he think of Zach when he found out that he would no longer be her therapist? A light bulb went on in her head. Michael already knew about the ‘changing of the guards’ so to speak, otherwise, he would’ve been sporting a frown instead of a look of nonchalance. Sneaky man, she whispered in the dark. The fact that it had taken this long to notice, was a testament to Zach’s effect on her. She mentally shook herself. She hadn’t reached Zach yet.
That explained Mr. Murphy and Mr. Bowen’s attentiveness. It was all coming together. She wondered what they thought of the fact that she’d be changing therapists, and if Zach had told them the real reason for the change.
Michael’s continued absence and overly long phone calls throughout the day baffled her. She’d asked him if anything was wrong when he came to escort her to dinner, but he said all was well. When she’d asked him if he was still leaving in the middle of the week, he told her some things about the schedule had changed and he’d be staying on for at least a few more days. She was relieved. She liked working with Michael. She felt safer and more comfortable with him than she did her own brother.
She rolled to her side and got comfortable as she allowed her mind to conjure up images of Zach and his golden-flecked brown eyes and beautiful smile. He had such a way about him. His demeanor was soothing and calming when it wasn’t sending her heart racing and her stomach flipping. She wondered just how much electricity they generated with their looks. If she could bottle the feelings he evoked in her, she’d be a billionaire easily. She didn’t know where this fledgling relationship could or would go, but she would enjoy it. She’d never been in a place where she could give herself the undivided attention she felt she needed to try the things she loved and consider an actual life change. Maybe this was that time.
She snuggled up to her pillow and replayed a few of her favorite moments of the day with Zach. So far, her favorite words from him were what he said about why he hoped she’d forgive him.
“It’s almost painful to consider that you, someone that I think so highly of, would think less of me because I struggled against my attraction to you.”
The look of sincerity in his eyes when he told her that, made her feel more precious than all the weeks she’d been with Nicolas. She shivered at the thought of still being in a relationship with him. What had she been thinking? She threw those thoughts into her mind’s garbage pile and hoped for dreams of Zach as consciousness slipped away.
The next few days left Shauna with little time to contemplate her situation. She looked forward to seeing Zach on Sunday morning. They hadn’t made any plans, but she figured he knew her schedule and would most likely meet up with her at breakfast. When he didn’t show, she shrugged it off and went back to the cabin to call Kimmy and see what she was doing for the day. She didn’t answer, so Shauna left a message and took a walk around the unusually quiet ranch.
It was close to twelve when they came across Ona. “Hi, Shauna, Michael. How’re doing this gorgeous Sunday?”
“Great.” Shauna looked around the trail they were on. “What do people do on Sunday mornings around here? It’s really quiet.”
Ona adjusted her small backpack on her shoulder. “Ummm.” She considered Shauna’s question. “Most of the ranch hands and people in the community go to church Sunday mornings. Afterward, they usually have a picnic on the grounds or visit someone who couldn’t make it to church. It’s a very tight-knit community.”
Shauna smiled at Ona. “That sounds nice.” She meant it. She wondered what it would feel like to belong to a community that noticed and cared enough to make sure everyone felt included. She suddenly felt left out, and as strange as that seemed, she wondered why Zach hadn’t said anything about it the day before. It was the perfect door for doubt to enter. She didn’t welcome the emotion per se, but she didn’t have enough evidence to dispel it either.
Walking back to her cabin with Michael, she felt a little listless now and decided that dinner in with a book sounded good. Her mom would’ve said she was pouting, but what did her mom really know.
When Monday arrived, she wasn’t doing much better. “She’d not heard from Kimmy or Zach, and though he didn’t have a phone, he did know where she stayed and could just as easily come over if he wanted to see her.
She got up and out early. She ate something light in the cafeteria just to give herself energy. Her riding time with Zeus helped to lift her spirits some and her time with Ryan was unfamiliar, so she had to focus all her concentration on his questions and way of counseling. There was once a time that she caught herself comparing Zach’s techniques with Ryan’s, but she quickly shook those thoughts away. She pushed Zach out of her mind and worked on the different exercises Ryan gave her throughout her time of interaction and observation of Olive Oyl.
It was all she could do to keep up a conversation with Michael during lunch, who seemed to be going all out in his effort to cheer her up. She answered him and smiled when she thought it was appropriate, but she just didn’t have the energy to do more. By the time the meal was over, she was tired and just wanted to go to sleep. She knew it was a form of escape for her, but she wouldn’t allow it to last past today. Tomorrow, she’d put on her big-girl pants and get back to concentrating on herself.
She was so focused on getting to the safety of her cabin, she didn’t notice Zach sitting on her porch steps until she was almost upon him. She stopped in her tracks and stared, not knowing whether she was happy to see him or disturbed by how his absence affected her.
He stood when she continued her forward motion. His hands were in his pockets and he didn’t look as confident and at ease as he’d seemed before she stopped.
She saw him take a deep breath. “Hi.” He watched her wearily then glanced beyond her to Michael. “Michael.” She could see the confusion on his face, but he obviously didn’t get the help he was looking for. When he looked back at her, his brows were furrowed.
“Hi,” she said as monotone as she could muster despite the initial joy she
felt at seeing him.
“How did your first session with Ryan go?”
“Good.” She rocked back and forth on her heels.
He stepped closer. “Are you upset with me?”
She stared at him for a moment and realized she was being childish. “Uh, no.” She heard Michael shuffle behind her and turned to him. “I’m good, Michael. Thank you.” She didn’t need him to observe whatever this would become. He’d witnessed more than enough of her mercurial behavior for one day.
“You sure?”
She smiled back at him, knowing it was probably the first real one of the day. “Yeah, I’m sure.”
She turned back to Zach, but it was a couple of moments before Michael moved away. She could imagine him leveling one of his threatening gazes on Zach and her affection for him grew.
“I’m sorry.” She began as she walked past him, up the stairs, to the swing on the porch.
“Sorry for what?” he asked, walking up a couple steps and leaning against the railing.
“You deserved a better greeting, but I’ve been in my head for a couple of days.”
He watched her for a few very long seconds. “I take it that wasn’t a good place for us.”
She closed her eyes. He hadn’t said ‘for you.’ He’d said ‘for us’ like they already were. She swallowed against the lump in her throat.
“No.” The word came out in a rasp. She opened her eyes to see her words register on his face. The disappointment was stark.
“Do you want to talk about it?” He took a step up. His face blanked but his eyes had a glimmer of hope and that was enough for her.
“Okay.” She gripped the edges of the wide swing and pushed herself with her feet.
He moved forward and sat on the top step, facing her. “I’m listening.”
She didn’t know how he did it, but he made her feel secure. He was just far enough away to keep her from feeling hemmed in, but close enough that she knew he was wholly focused on her. She looked out over the porch railing, putting her thoughts in order. It took a moment, but she had no doubt he’d wait.
“I didn’t hear from you on Sunday.” She raised her hand, sensing he would interrupt. When she looked at him, he sat exactly as he was when he first sat down. She lowered her hand and smiled sheepishly. “I didn’t know attending church was such a big event on Sundays here. Everyone must’ve been there because this place was deserted. Even my friend Kimmy wasn’t available. Michael and I ran into Ona on one of the trails yesterday afternoon and she told us that pretty much the community as a whole goes to church then has a picnic later in the day.” She stared at the floorboards for a moment, building up the courage to voice all her thoughts and feelings.
“I figured you were busy and we hadn’t discussed seeing each other yesterday, or today for that matter.” Listening to herself, she began to feel the loss of him. Why would a man who was as confident as him deal with a woman who couldn’t keep her emotions from shifting back and forth so violently? “I think it was because we had such a great day on Saturday, I thought I imagined some of it and when I didn’t hear from you yesterday or see you this morning, I doubted most of what transpired between us.” She finally looked up at him and the sadness in his eyes brought tears to hers. “Please don’t look at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“With pity,” she huffed out.
“May I come up there?” he asked softly.
She shook her head to the negative.
“Okay.” He took a deep breath. “Is there more?”
Had he gotten lost somewhere? “Wasn’t that enough?”
“It’s what it is. There is no way I could put a limit on your thoughts,” he said without wavering. “May I tell you what went on in my mind the last day and a half?”
She wondered briefly if it would make her sound even crazier than a few moments ago, but she needed to know even if this was all there would be. She nodded.
“Saturday night, I had trouble going to sleep because a beautiful woman with skin the color of deep caramel and brown eyes big enough to drown in, kept chasing away the Sandman. I got up on Sunday morning and could’ve kicked myself for not planning anything with you for later in the day. It was just as well because, after church, which I struggled to stay focused through — I can blame you again for that — I was asked to help out a friend with my truck and I didn’t get back here until close to eleven o’clock.” He gave her a rueful grin.
“I missed you something fierce, but I wouldn’t go up to your cabin at that time of night. It wouldn’t look good for either of us if someone saw me, and there is always someone walking around. I told myself that it would be good to get some distance anyway, since I obviously felt stronger for you after one afternoon than I should as a thirty-seven-year-old ranch hand/therapist. Whatever that should be.” He finished the last almost to himself as he ran his fingers along a crack in the cement. “This morning, I went into town and purchased my first cell phone in nearly seven years.”
She couldn’t help the gasp but she pressed her lips together. How did anyone go that long without being plugged in?
He continued as if he’d heard her thoughts. “I’ve had no need for it. Everyone I know is within a half hour driving distance. If they need to reach me, I have my office phone during business hours or one of the hands will walk over a message from the security office.” He shrugged one shoulder. “Nothing was important enough for me to make myself that available.”
She bit her bottom lip to stop it from trembling. “Why’d you buy the phone now?” She’d done enough damage to herself over the last thirty-two hours making assumptions.
“I wanted to be available to you,” he answered almost in a whisper.
She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Why didn’t you ask me to church?”
“I can’t seem to think past the next few minutes when you’re near, let alone the next day.” His eyes implored her to believe him. “It actually should’ve been the question I asked following whether you believe in God.”
Her heart sang, which was why she missed his convoluted question.
“Do you?”
She was lost now.
“Do I what?”
“Do you believe in God?”
“Yes.”
He breathed a sigh of relief. She seemed to take one too.
“Can I come sit next to you now?”
“Yes.”
He rose and moved to the swing, sitting a few inches from her. “I’m sorry, Shauna. In the future, I will make sure we stay in communication.”
“It’s not your job to fight the voices of doubt in my head. It’s my job,” she said somberly. She was ashamed of the ride she’d allowed her emotions to take her on over such a small misunderstanding.
“You believe in God. Do you have a relationship with Him?”
“A relationship?” She had no clue what he was talking about, but the thought was interesting.
“When you say you believe in God, what does that mean to you?”
She was taken aback by the question, but he looked thoughtful.
“Well, uh, I believe that He loves me and He created heaven and earth. He sent His son to earth to be born of a virgin in a manger. I believe Jesus was betrayed, arrested, beaten, and crucified. He rose on the third day and gifted me with salvation when I asked Him into my heart.” She tried to think of what else she remembered, but he interrupted her.
“What do you believe He does for you personally?”
“I try not to bother Him too much. I mean, I know He loves me, but He has more important things to do like heal people and comfort the suffering.” She wasn’t sure what he was looking for. Their conversation had taken a really odd turn.
“Would you consider what you went through the last couple of days suffering?”
“Not really. I kind of inflicted that on myself. Why should I ask God to help me out of something I got myself into?”
“Have you ever felt like th
ere should be more?”
“More like what?”
“More to life?”
She thought about it and realized that the times she’d felt that way, she’d repressed it; she thought she was being ungrateful.
“Yes, but I usually try to smother it.”
“Don’t next time and see where the feeling takes you.”
“Do you have a relationship with God?” she asked, trying to remember the way he’d phrased it.
“Yes.”
“What’s it like?”
“God is closer than a friend to me. He’s closer to me than anyone. He’s a confident and the source of my joy and peace. I can and do talk to Him about anything and everything.”
She thought about what he said and it seemed unreal, but true at the same time. She needed to think about what he said later when her mind was clear enough to consider what he said.
“Thank you for sharing.”
“You’re welcome.”
He sat quietly next to her until she looked at him. He pulled his phone out of his back pocket and held it up. She smiled at him because she knew it was expected. She plucked his phone from his hand and inserted her contact information.
He took the phone back and inhaled deeply. “I see you’re shaken by your reactions of the last couple of days. Are you afraid?”
“Yes,” she answered, but avoided his eyes.
“Why?”
She shook her head. “I don’t think I’m strong enough to be involved in something this intense.” Her eyes burned.
“If it feels this way after a few hours, how’s it going to feel in a few weeks?” She looked at him for a few seconds and looked back out over the porch railing. “I covered most of the emotional spectrum just because I didn’t see you or hear from you for a few hours. That’s not healthy.”
“I want you to know that I hear you and I appreciate the courage it took for you to tell me what you did. You did it despite your fear of me laughing, showing true signs of pity, or walking away.”
“I just figured after this weekend, I could handle your rejection better now than in the future,” she said, rubbing her arms with her hands.