by Alana Terry
“I sold my apartment and we lived in hers because it was bigger. When she told me she was pregnant five months later, I was terrified. Not quite the reaction she was hoping for.” He smiled sheepishly, lost in the memory. “Eventually I came around. I loved my wife and if we had a girl that looked just like her and had her zest for life, I’d consider it a gift.” He came back to the present briefly and registered Shauna’s wistful expression before she concealed it.
Zach took a deep breath and pushed forward. “Michelle approached pregnancy like she approached everything else in her life, head on. She didn’t let the nurturing of a life inside her body slow her down. She cut down on the more extreme and adventurous sports after we had a shouting match in the kitchen one morning when she was two months pregnant. She didn’t complain about any pains and she ate healthily, but I saw the light in her eyes dim a little and I was afraid she was starting to regret us. When she was five months pregnant, I took a few days off and took her to New Hampshire. We stayed at a B&B and I surprised her with indoor rock climbing and indoor skydiving sessions. Her face lit up like Christmas when we pulled into the parking lot and she saw the signs advertising the different activities on the side of the building. The look she gave me made the time, research, and worry worth it. I considered turning around a couple of times on the way as I debated whether or not to take her to the facility. I was a mess.” Zach rubbed his hands together. “We ended up making it an annual trip.
“At the end, everything worked out fine and we were blessed with a beautiful baby girl we named Zoe.” He leaned back in his chair and rubbed his suddenly damp palms on his hands. “She was a handful, especially when she turned two and started voicing and showcasing her adventure streak as well. The danger with hers was that she thought she was indestructible. I can’t tell you how many near misses she had. I started to believe she had a good luck sign stamped on her.” He chuckled and was surprised to have Shauna join in on the laugh.
“When Zoe turned six, we decided to take her on the trip with us to New Hampshire. She was old enough for the child age-appropriate sports and Michelle wanted to share them with her.” He took a deep breath when he opened his mouth to say the next words, but nothing came out. He tried again.
“I got called in on a presentation because a coworker had a family emergency. I was familiar with the company but needed to attend a late meeting. I told Michelle to go on before me because I didn’t want Zoe up real late. She was a terror in the morning when she didn’t get at least eight hours.” His throat got dry and he swallowed reflexively, then again for good measure. He was surprised his voice was still normal when he started again.
“The meeting went long. They always went long.” He shrugged. “It was the nature of the beast.” He paused for another moment. “This was also a time for Michelle and me to reconnect. I’d been working so much lately and I knew it would let up soon, but I could tell she was getting impatient with the late nights and weekends at the office. I was even considering changing jobs. I hardly got to see them and I was missing so many of Zoe’s firsts. I wouldn’t have been surprised if I came home one day and she just looked at me like I was a stranger.” He gave a self-deprecating laugh.
“By the time I got on the road, it was close to midnight. I called Michelle’s phone, but she didn’t answer. I figured she’d nodded off. There was a storm coming in from the north and I think it followed me all the way to New Hampshire. It was slow going, but I made it to the B&B without any trouble. When I got there, the guy at the front desk who had been there since the first time we visited, was on duty. He looked surprised to see me alone. I told him Michelle and Zoe came earlier because I had a business meeting. He checked the computer and told me that they hadn’t arrived yet. The panic that swept over me was...” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly as he studied the carpet to ground himself. “There are no words.
“I must’ve called Michelle twenty times over the next couple of hours. I called the sheriff’s department and highway patrol. I called the hospitals in the area just in case.” His voice broke and he stopped. His mind raced forward and he closed his eyes, hoping to stop the images from forming.
“I went back out looking for them since we always took the same road in and out of the area. I didn’t remember seeing any accidents as I drove in. I turned a bend and saw the flares right away. I saw a tow truck moving away from the side of the road. The instant I saw Michelle’s car, I was out of mine, running toward it. I don’t even know if I put the car in park, let alone turned it off.” He was lost in that horrible day.
“I was caught halfway by two state troopers. One held me while the other tried to talk me down from my panic. The only thing that kept me from doing everything I could to get away from them was that they slowly continued to walk me toward the car instead of away from it.” His eyes burned, but it was almost welcomed after so long of denying himself any emotional pain regarding his family.
“The ambulances arrived at that moment and I pulled against the men. The trooper in charge came up and laid a hand on my chest to stop me. He was a big guy and his voice penetrated my haze of desperation. It looked like Michelle lost control of the car and ran off the embankment and into a tree. When they pulled her out of the car, she wasn’t conscious.” Zach wasn’t surprised to see the drop of moisture hit his hand. He wiped his eyes and took a deep breath to regain some composure.
“He told me my daughter Zoe had been conscious when they began to pull her away from her mom but screamed and complained of pain in her abdomen. Even as we neared the vehicles, they pulled away. I got an escort behind them to the hospital.” He could feel his breathing speed up, working to take deep breaths.
“By the time I got to the hospital, they were working on both of them. Michelle’s heart had stopped twice in the ambulance. Zoe had internal bleeding. She’d crawled up to the front seat to be with her mom.
“Zoe died at seven minutes past seven that morning. They initially slowed the bleeding, but she began hemorrhaging and her body couldn’t take the trauma.” He blew out a heavy breath. “Michelle lingered for two days. They removed her spleen and one of her kidneys. She had multiple contusions, but it looked promising despite...” He breathed through the next few words. “Despite the fact that she’d miscarried from the trauma.” He squeezed the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger to relieve some of the pressure then wiped his eyes again. “I didn’t even know she was pregnant. The doctors said it looked like six weeks. Six weeks and I was too consumed with work to even notice the changes.” He looked everywhere in the room except at Shauna, knowing any sympathetic looks from her would break him, but he wasn’t surprised when she took his hand.
“I didn’t need to go back to the B&B because I still had all my belongings in the trunk. I’d just go down to my car in the parking garage from time to time and change my clothes. One particular time, I went down for ten minutes.” He finally chanced a glance at Shauna. Her eyes were misty and soft. “When I came back to her room, there were doctors working on her. She’d had a blood clot that had traveled to her lung, and she went into cardiac arrest. She never regained consciousness those two days. I just sat in the room with her until they said they needed to take her body.” He blinked a few times and the present came back into focus.
“The next few days were a blur. I think I walked around on autopilot, taking the advice of the chaplain and hospital social worker. Michelle’s parents had already passed and I hadn’t been in touch with my dad since I left for college, so it was just me and some of our friends at the funeral and internment. I know there were those that wanted to help, but I didn’t know how to receive it. I just wanted my family back.” He rubbed his forehead. “I took a couple of weeks off work, but after they were done, I just didn’t want to go back. After a few more weeks, I realized that I didn’t want to stay in our apartment or in New York, for that matter. I couldn’t go anywhere without being assailed by memories of being there with my wife and/or
child.
“I hired a seller and sold everything except for a couple of heirlooms I’d promised I’d keep and pictures that are in storage. I packed my clothes and a few personal items in my car and drove back to Chandler County.”
He closed his mouth, surprised by his ability to get through the story without breaking down. He hadn’t said Zoe’s name to anyone in such a long time, it almost sounded foreign on his tongue. Sorry, baby.
“For a while, I considered Michelle’s death as the ultimate form of abandonment. Logically, I knew she wouldn’t have left me if she could’ve stayed, but emotions aren’t logical.” He shrugged and looked up at her, startled to feel her palm rest against his cheek. Her eyes were warm and over bright. She didn’t say anything or move in any other way, yet he felt what she tried to convey. She comforted him, letting him know he wasn’t alone, and he accepted it.
That’s exactly how Michael found them when he quickly walked back in the room. Zach saw the tension emanating from the guard and the tight set of his jaw. He had a feeling their evening was over.
Chapter 19
“WHAT’S GOING ON, MICHAEL?” she asked after locking her door. She tried not to let her annoyance show over her evening with Zach being cut short. She was perfectly fine with Michael sharing his phone call with Zach, but she would rather he ask her permission first. She conceded and said goodnight to Zach while Michael waited outside.
Michael removed his sunglasses and placed them in his pocket, an obvious stall tactic if ever she’d seen one. Her level of alertness went from curious to DEFCON 3.
“What is it?”
“Your dad’s on his way to see you.” She tried to read his face but he wore his stony expression.
“Why?”
“He needs to talk to you,” he said, giving nothing away.
“Why couldn’t he just...” The words disappeared with the next thought. “They found him,” she stated with just enough breath for the two words. He nodded slowly.
“How long do I have?” she asked. Maybe she could get in a ride before he showed up, carrying the stress of her life from the last few months.
“He’ll be here tomorrow afternoon.” All she could think of was that it was such bad timing.
“Shauna.” She redirected her gaze to him from where it had strayed to his left.
“Your mom is coming with him.”
Scratch that. They were at DEFCON 1. If her mom and dad were coming together to see her, this meant chaos for anyone on the opposite side. She couldn’t think of the last time she’d seen them together outside of her hospital room.
She couldn’t help her reaction and watched Michael’s jaw tighten.
“Can you tell me anything so I’m not completely blindsided?” She watched him as he moved into the living room and sat on the couch.
“There are parts they wanted to share with you themselves, but we’re certain he’s the one that was coming around your job and neighborhood. He showed up on the security cameras installed around the perimeter of your apartment a few days ago. When he showed up more than once in a couple of days, they followed him until they were sure he was the one hanging around the grocery store you frequent, your job, and the coffee shop you like to go to with Maddison.”
She didn’t know what to think. She knew they would catch him, but now that they had, it was real. What did she do now?
“Will they expect me to go back with them?” She wrapped her arms around her middle to protect herself against the hurt and disappointment she’d feel if he said yes.
“No. They just want to talk to you,” he said, rubbing his hands against his knees.
“Why both of them?”
“Sorry. I’m not at liberty to tell you.”
“Is it bad?” She stopped pacing and sat in the chair kitty-corner to him.
“It depends on how you choose to see it,” he said, leaning back on the couch.
“Is there really more than one way to see it?”
“Absolutely. There is always more than one way to see a situation. If you look at it with God’s help, you’d be surprised at how many different ways there are to see one situation.”
Shauna was surprised. She’d never heard Michael refer to God in such a familiar way, if at all, but then she bet his line of work didn’t leave much room for conversations about his beliefs.
“For example...?” she prompted. He looked at her for a moment, not looking surprised at her question or put out, just thoughtful.
“For example, this very situation you’re in. When you found out you were being stalked, it must’ve seemed like an awful and scary thing — and why not? There was someone following you around and turning up in places you otherwise considered safe, but wouldn’t approach you like a normal person.” He held up air quotes as he said the last two words.
“Yes, it was inconvenient and an expense your father would otherwise not have had, but you have a month off a job you like only half of the time and a stay at a ranch I think you like a lot more. You get to ride, relax, spend time with old friends and make some new ones.” She saw the mischievous glint in his eyes come and go so quickly she thought she might have imagined it.
“If you weren’t taking a forced vacation, you may not have come to visit Kimberly and there was an even slimmer chance that you would stay a week here. You’d probably have just come in for a few days to a week and stayed with her.”
Shauna couldn’t argue with a thing he said.
“Whether or not things work out between you and Zach, I think this is a very good experience for you and an unexpected blessing.”
“Are you saying God set the situation with my stalker up so I could come here and meet Zach?”
Michael raised his hands, palms facing her. “Whoa. No. God won’t place you in harm’s way or set things up to hurt you, but He’ll use the circumstance to get your attention or place you somewhere you might not have otherwise visited. People have free will. God won’t force you to comply, but He may allow for something to happen so that you end up in a place where you can hear Him.”
She thought about what he said. It was similar to what Zach had said, but she felt more comfortable talking to Michael about it than Zach. Probably because she cared a great deal about what Zach thought about her.
“Shauna, do you believe in God?”
Michael drew her away from her thoughts.
“Yes.” She smiled, feeling a sense of déjà vu.
“Do you have a personal relationship with Him?”
“Honestly, I never really considered a relationship with Him until I spoke to Zach yesterday. I’m confused about how that’s supposed to happen with someone you can’t see or feel.” She hesitated, but Michael didn’t jump in so she went on.
“I always thought that he was the ruler over everything and that he loved us, but from there He wanted to see what we’d do to help ourselves.” She shrugged. “I guess I projected some of the things my mother taught me onto what to expect from Him. She said people don’t help those that don’t help themselves. If you do it yourself, you’re more appreciative and you understand your limits.”
“Well, that’s all fine and dandy if you’re working on an equation or a theory, but people will always need people. There is very little that you can get done in this world all by yourself outside of bathing, eating, sleeping, and dressing.” He paused, but she didn’t feel the need to defend her mother’s teachings at this particular moment.
“You know Zach asked me the same question, and I have to say that I’m a little confused about how that’s supposed to happen with someone you can’t see or feel.”
Michael nodded. “What do you believe?”
She almost felt like she was retaking a test, so she decided to give him a summarized version.
“I believe He sacrificed His son who willingly gave his life for us so that we could be with Him after we left our body... I know I’m grateful that the Creator of heaven and earth would even consider me, but beyond that, I on
ly consider thanking Him when things go right and sometimes ask Him for help when the situation looks to be beyond my control. Obviously, it isn’t the same for you. Could you share with me?”
“Absolutely. I don’t believe that I’d be here if it weren’t for God. I know that sounds funny because none of us would, but for me, He’s not some great being hovering over everything, casually looking over people and their situations.”
“How do you know He’d have time for more? There are so many people in this world. How does He have the time to deal with everyone?”
“I don’t believe time is relevant.”
“So, what are you saying? You speak to Him and tell him your thoughts and allow Him to be in charge to make decisions for you?”
“To make it very simple, yes. To elaborate, I’d say yes.” He chuckled. “We’re independently willful, and that’s something God loves and is saddened by. We have the will to love Him, accept His gift, and include Him in our daily, even hourly pursuits. But that’s our choice, so allow is not always the best word. I do seek His permission on which way to go in certain things. I know He knows things that I don’t and he can foresee dangers that I’m not aware of. In regard to our relationship, He’s my father.”
“So you’re constantly in communication with Him?”
“Yes. Think of it this way. In regard to your relationship with your natural father, would you be closer to him if you only spoke to him when things went wrong or you had a question about a really big decision — or if you spoke to him daily about any and everything going on in your life, whether the thoughts are light or heavy?”
“I think I understand the concept of being in communication with Him and thanking Him — but questioning Him? You question God?”
“Why not? It’s not like He doesn’t know what I’m thinking.”
“Then why talk to Him if he already knows what you’re thinking?”