by Alana Terry
“How did you feel? Shauna asked, slightly shocked at her father’s insensitivity. “What did you say?” She watched for her mother’s true feelings, which she’d gotten so good at hiding.
“Well, I had five and a half hours to run through the full spectrum of emotions.” She smirked. “I don’t think he thought through his plan very well. I think he wanted to make sure I couldn’t walk out on him after he told me about Richard, but that also meant he couldn’t escape my reactions.” She laughed and Shauna found herself laughing with her. “It ended up being the best thing for us.” She looked at Shauna, patting her on the hand.
Shauna didn’t want to touch that last sentence. She needed to keep the line drawn between her mother and father for a while longer. She didn’t want to hear anything that remotely resembled the start of a new relationship between her parents.
“So, if... Richard.” The name brought heat to her stomach. “Was just curious, as your ex-husband says, why didn’t he just approach me? Why did he stalk me as he did?
“He has a developmental disorder,” her mother said slowly, seeming to work her wording. “From what I was told, he found out about you from some paperwork he discovered among his mother’s things. She passed away eight months ago from a stroke due to a ruptured intracranial or a brain aneurysm. He has partial care because he can perform most of his daily needs. He just doesn’t filter emotions as you or I would. He was very curious about you in particular, probably because you’re closest in age and he was an only child. I just don’t think he knew how to approach you.”
Shauna’s heart went out to the man and the loss he’d recently had. He was alone unless his mother had siblings. She wondered vaguely if her father would reach out to him. “Do you think I can meet him?”
Her mom looked surprised for a moment, then nodded. “Sure.” Her eyes were bright and Shauna had to look away, otherwise the dam of emotion she’d finally stopped up would flow again. It would be best to change the subject.
“Why didn’t you say something to me? All this time, I thought the reason you and Dad didn’t make it was because of something you did or that you weren’t willing to work through your problems with him.”
“First of all, the more intimate parts of our marriage weren’t any of your business. And you were right about me for the most part. I did do some things to hurt your father and our marriage, and I couldn’t or didn’t do everything possible to save our marriage. I was so angry. It got in the way of every beautiful memory I had of your father and me. I said things I never thought I’d say and I did things I never thought I’d do. I became a shrew. The hardest two years of my life were those last two when your dad had the death threats.” She shook her head slowly as she ran her palm over the bedspread they sat on.
“I walked through one year full of pissed-off energy and the second on autopilot looking at myself as if I were watching my life being played by someone else.”
“Good to know. So, I have nineteen years, eleven months, three weeks, and five days to go,” she said flippantly.
“I didn’t tell you that to give you an excuse to build a gap between you and your father. I told you so you could understand what unforgiveness and allowing yourself to be consumed with anger can do to your life. It didn’t just affect my relationship with your father, but my relationship with you as well.” Her eyes were pleading. “Please don’t wait that long to talk or forgive him. The relationship you have with him is so special. I used to get jealous of the closeness you two have. You have so much in common, you can talk for hours. It was always like that for the two of you.” Shauna didn’t want to hear about what she used to have with her father. She stubbornly closed her ears to her mother’s reminiscing. Her father didn’t deserve her forgiveness or for her to make him feel better about his actions that ultimately put her life in jeopardy.
When she focused back on her mom, she found that she was watching her.
“What?”
Her mother gave her a sad smile. “You’ve always had a very expressive face. It never took more than a couple of seconds to find out if you were up to mischief.”
“I just wish you would’ve said something. I wouldn’t have been so harsh on you. I could’ve talked to you about so many things...” Shauna’s throat closed up, ending her sentence.
“Exactly.” Her mother took her hand again. “Do you really want to feel this type of regret about your dad?”
“I’m too angry to answer that question right now,” Shauna said, holding onto the only emotion right then that could come close to combating the pain.
“Look, Shauna.” Her mom looked at her earnestly. “If I kept something from you, it was because I believed you needed your father to be the man you saw.”
“But that was a lie. He wasn’t that man,” Shauna said, determined to make her mother understand how wronged she felt.
“But he was to you.”
“But why? Why was it so important to you?”
Her mother took a deep breath. “Because I didn’t have a father.” Her mother’s usually clear and lilting voice was rough and full of emotion.
“An imperfect father who loves you and wants to spend time with you is better than no father at all.”
The conversation made Shauna extremely uncomfortable and as usual, her mother saw it written all over her face, so she changed the subject.
“So, Zach, huh?” her mother prompted.
Shauna tried hard to keep the smile from forming, but couldn’t hold it at bay. “Yes. Zach.”
“Is that short for Zachery or Zachariah?”
Shauna felt embarrassed. She’d never asked him his full name. She was so engrossed in him and the feelings he evoked in her she forgot to ask the simple questions.
“I’m not sure. We talk about deeper things.”
“Like what?”
“What brings us joy, our pasts.” She paused. “God.” She flashed a shy smile at her mom.
“So, the He-Man impression he did the other night was warranted?”
“He cares about me. We care about each other,” she said with confidence.
“You’ve only been here for a week and a half. How well do you know each other?”
Shauna tried not to get defensive about her mother’s question, but she found it hard. How could her mother understand her feelings for Zach, and that time wasn’t the true factor, but rather the quality of what time they shared along with the expression of their feelings about everything? She decided to answer with a part of the truth. “I’m sure I want to get to know him better.”
“Why? I mean what are you expecting? You have a life five hours away from here.” Her mom amended her question. Shauna was positive her feelings were written all over her face.
Shauna shrugged, ready for the end of this conversation. The last thing she needed was to doubt her feelings and the strength of her and Zach’s fledgling relationship. “Yep.”
“Do you think you’re up for a long-distance relationship?” Shauna shrugged again.
“Don’t shut me out, Shauna, I’m just asking questions because he seemed so familiar with you the other day and you listened to him when you were having your attack, which I’ve never seen you do before.”
Shauna blew out a deep breath before capitulating. She shared the details of the last week and a half of her stay with her mom, and when she was done, her mother sat speechless for a few minutes.
“It sounds serious between you two. Did you talk to him about what happened in college?” Shauna’s stomach plummeted.
“No.”
“Do you plan to?”
“Yeah, of course,” she answered as confidently as possible. “It’s just been a little busy.”
Her mother sent her a speculative glance and she looked back at her pointedly. “Yes, I will.”
“Do you think we can all go to lunch or dinner together?” her mom asked with hope in her voice.
“Um. Sure.” She wasn’t used to her mother taking such an interest in
her life. “Maddison will be here in a couple of days. You, me, Zach, and Maddison can go out to lunch on Saturday.”
Her mother opened her mouth and closed it again. She knew she would mention her father but smartly changed her mind.
“How about showing me this horse you’ve been racing around the track?” her mother said, changing the subject yet again.
“How did you know...” She let the sentence drop when she remembered that her father had been keeping tabs on her through Michael. She wanted to roll her eyes, but her excitement at sharing Zeus with her mom trumped her irritation.
Chapter 23
ZACH WOULD’VE SAID he was having a bad day, but he hadn’t been present for most of it. His mind was on Shauna, the fact that he’d only been able to talk to her on the phone since he left her early Wednesday morning, the conversation he’d had with her father later that day, and the upcoming lunch he’d have with Shauna, her best friend, and her mother. He tried hard not to let it all overwhelm him. These people were part of Shauna’s support group and she was fortunate to have them. No matter how much he wished they could find a way to be together, he didn’t want to take her away from that.
Her father had cornered him the day before in his office. He had to remind himself several times that the man was hurting and worried about his daughter. He questioned Zach’s integrity and his feelings for Shauna, then all but threatened to have his license taken away. If Zach hadn’t already had talks with Bernie and Giovanni, he might have had a moment’s concern, but he had no doubt he hadn’t done anything illegal nor unethical.
He’d sat there in one of the chairs meant for clients and tried to interrogate him. “So, what do you think can actually come of this romance you’ve started with my daughter?” He sneered as he asked the question.
“That’s between you daughter and me, sir.” He added the last word as an afterthought.
“Not when it comes to decisions she’ll be making that’ll impact her future. I was there when she made the decision to pursue a career in chemical engineering.”
Zach studied him for a moment, wondering if he wanted to approach the subject foremost on his mind. In the few days he’d spent with Shauna, it was clear that she was susceptible to panic attacks because she was so busy trying to be something she wasn’t comfortable with. The fact that she constantly lived on the edge of her comfort zone left no safety room for her to cope with high-anxiety situations.
“Your daughter is an incredible woman. As I’m sure you’ve witnessed, she has bounced back time after time from traumatic and challenging circumstances, not fully unscathed, but able to heal.” He watched the older man’s face for any change in expression. “As her friend, I wonder if her gift or ability to recover isn’t being taken advantage of.”
“As a friend, huh?” Dr. Nathan said, his voice full of speculation.
“Of course. That’s what we are and to speak to you in any other capacity would go against the client confidentiality clause we had. Can you imagine the type of strain that causes, to live to be someone you think others expect you to be instead of embracing who you really are?”
Dr. Nathan watched him for a moment. “And who do you think my daughter really is?”
“Amazing, Dr. Nathan. Her intellect is unmatched by many people I’ve known and the joy that radiates from her when she’s around animals, namely horses, is contagious. That’s all a part of her.”
“You think after a week and a half you know my daughter?” Dr. Nathan said, his voice raising an octave.
“No. I’ve barely scratched the surface, but I also didn’t come into our relationship with any preconceptions of what she should be.” He watched as the man’s nostrils flared and regretted that they couldn’t continue to have a civil conversation.
“Look here, you play-doctor.”
Zach breathed in deeply, letting it out slowly.
“I know all about you and your past. Does my daughter know you’ve been a broken man yourself until a couple of years ago? What sane man walks away from a six-figure salary because his wife and daughter die on a road in the woods?” Zach knew the shocked look was plain as day on his features, but he wouldn’t have believed that someone who raised such a beautiful and caring woman would say something so vile.
Misunderstanding his look, Shauna’s father went on. “Oh yeah, I know about the life you had before coming back here with your tail between your legs. How do I know if things get hard for you and Shauna that you won’t up and leave her?”
He knew irrational notions; this man was spewing words designed to provoke him, but if he mentioned his wife and child again, Zach would have to call security.
“Dr. Nathan, I believe you’re a very thorough man. I’m sure that you found out everything about me before I was considered good enough to counsel your daughter, so we can dispense with the name-calling. I’m also confident that you know everything there is to learn on paper about my past and if the worst thing you can come up with is that I walked away from my wife’s and daughter’s graves, you should be happy.”
“You do know I can make what’s left of your life miserable.” Dr. Nathan scrutinized him.
Zach smiled inwardly, happy that his faith truly rested in God. “I know you can try to make my life harder, but misery is up to me. You have no bearing over how I choose to see my situation.” He returned the man’s gaze directly.
After a few seconds, Dr. Nathan smirked. “If I was here under different circumstances, I might admire you, but respect or no, I won’t allow you to remove my daughter from the path of success she has worked so hard to stay on.”
“What do you consider success?” Zach asked.
“Not mucking stalls in the middle of some backcountry town,” he retorted.
Zach’s only response was a shrug.
“Zach?” The familiar female voice pulled him away from his thoughts. He closed the stall door and came around the corner to see Shauna walking down the aisle with a beautiful cocoa-colored woman, a few inches taller than her. As they drew closer, he was happy to see Shauna’s glow had returned. He walked forward but stopped just shy of touching her.
“Hello, gorgeous,” he said, taking in as much of Shauna as he could before diverting his attention to the woman next to her. Shauna gave him a shy smile and introduced them.
“Zach, this is my best friend, Maddison.” She gestured back and forth with her hand. “Maddison, this is Zach.”
Zach smiled at Maddison, but put his gloved hands up. “Sorry, I can’t shake your hand, but then I don’t think you’d want to right now. It’s a pleasure to meet one of the people who bring out those beautiful dimples in Shauna’s cheeks.”
Maddison glanced over at Shauna and stage-whispered, “Handsome and charming? Oh, you owe me a night’s worth of talk, girl.” Shauna, who had been staring at him when Maddison started, looked away in embarrassment.
“Do you have any single friends or family members who look just like you?” Maddison asked, allowing her eyes to roam around his torso then down to his legs and feet. By the time her eyes returned to his face, he was working hard to control the scowl, but he knew by her smirk that he’d failed.
She laughed boisterously and looked back at Shauna. “He’s a keeper.”
“Sorry. I know my tactics aren’t subtle but they always get the job done.” In spite of her words, Zach knew she wasn’t sorry, but he could overlook the action this time if it was truly done to gauge his true feelings.
“Next time, just ask,” he said quietly. He took a deep breath. “I’m going to go freshen up.” He turned back to Shauna. “So, I can hug you like I’ve been wanting to for the last three days and I can shake your hand and hopefully we can start all over.” He turned back to Maddison, cracking a small smile to show her he wasn’t holding a grudge.
As he walked them back to the front of the stables and left them at the door, he strolled toward his cabin. “I thought you told me you weren’t looking for a hot cowboy.”
“I wasn’t.”
“So, what — you just tripped over him with your horse?”
He could imagine Shauna shrugging because he didn’t hear her response even though he shortened his strides to stay within hearing distance.
“What are you going to do with him?” Maddison asked.
“I’m thinking about keeping him.”
He smiled to himself as he moved out of hearing range.
Giovanni had recommended Swabbies for lunch. It was an upscale restaurant just outside of Bourbonville with a view of the Cumberland River. Zach had been there once for Bernie’s surprise birthday party. He’d donned a sports jacket and slacks for the first time in months, but it was well worth it when he caught the look on Shauna’s face as he approached them at the SUV they’d be taking.
“Hi again.” He approached Shauna, wrapping her up in a tight hug. He breathed in the scent of her — vanilla and some type of exotic fragrance that made him want to stay right there. “How are you?” he whispered against her hair.
“Much better, thank you.”
“Good.” He breathed in one more time for good measure. The clearing of a throat brought him back down to earth and he loosened his hold on Shauna while he turned to Michael.
“Michael.” He reached out his right hand to shake while keeping his other arm around Shauna.
“Zach.” Michael’s eyes danced but his face was expressionless as usual.
“You remember my mother, Reina Fellows Nathan.” Shauna moved away from him to take her mother’s hand. He reached forward and squeezed her right hand. She yanked on his hand, sending him off-balance. She embraced him and patted him on the back in a motherly gesture.
“We don’t shake hands in this family. We hug. Okay?” She pushed him away from her.
“Okay.” He agreed readily, still feeling slightly off-balance.
“Shall we go?” Michael asked, opening the passenger and back door to the SUV. Zach sat in front with Michael, allowing the three women to sit in the comfort of the back.