Seeking Refuge

by Alana Terry

  After the pastor finished, he made an offer to anyone who hadn’t asked Jesus into their heart and accepted the gift of salvation to do so. He also invited anyone who didn’t have a church home to join their membership. The offering was taken up while the choir sang a few selections, as they had at the beginning of the service.

  She barely noticed, she was so overwhelmed with joy. In the middle of the sermon she’d glanced once again at the window and felt compelled to ask God for the same relationship Michael and Zach had with Him. She wanted Him to be real to her. She closed her eyes and the tears began to flow. It was wonderful. They weren’t tears of frustration, pain or anger. They were sweet and cleansing and uncontrollable, as she discovered when she tried to smother them due to embarrassment. Zach just handed her a tissue and took her hand. She felt he understood what was happening and was grateful. She was actually sorry when one of the elders began to recite a form of benediction she was slightly familiar with. She didn’t want to let the feeling go.

  She sat there with Zach after everyone had left the pew. After a few minutes Zach turned to her.

  “You take it with you.”

  “What?” she asked finally feeling as though her tears were slowing.

  “What you’re feeling. The ‘Yes’.”

  “How did you know?” She asked in amazement.

  “I’ve been there. It’s not a once-in-a-lifetime experience.” He smiled at her.

  “No?” She asked astonished.

  “No.” He responded with confidence.

  She sighed. “That’s good.”

  He chuckled. “Yes it is.”

  The pastor had stood at the back of the church first so he could shake the hands of attendees. When it was time for Shauna to shake his hand, she became nervous and hoped he didn’t ask her for any specifics about his sermon.

  “Thank you for joining us today.” He covered both of her hands, stalling her forward motion. “Zach tells me you’re here on vacation. I appreciate you including us in your time of rest.” She instantly liked the short, dark-haired man. He was younger than she originally thought, but there was a depth of wisdom in his deep brown eyes.

  “You’re welcome. I really enjoyed the service.”

  “She was enthralled by the stained-glass window,” Zach interjected.

  “Aww. You have good taste. My sister made it,” he shared, preening a little. “I often sit close to where you were sitting this morning and stare at it. There are so many different facets to it, especially during sunrise and sunset. It reminds me of God’s ability to take our best works and multiply them to infinity with one moment. Each experience stays with you,” he mused, and she liked him even more. She nodded in agreement. He shook her hand one more time. “I hope you can come visit us again.”

  “Me too,” she said sincerely and stepped away to allow the line to continue.

  Zach had the cafeteria prepare a special brunch for Shauna, her friends, and family. Once again, she was touched by his thoughtfulness and told him so.

  “I wanted you to have a chance to eat with your family in a familiar setting so you could relax after church if you or Maddison felt uncomfortable at all during the service.”

  “Wow. You’re almost too good to be true.” She said, unable to fully express her gratitude and depth of her feelings for him.

  He looked at her, the intensity of his gaze making her feel warm. “I’m not perfect, Shauna.”

  “I didn’t say you were.” She tried not to crack a smile. “I said you were almost too good to be true. What I left off was ‘for me,’ but then I thought that might have been too forward.”

  “Is that how you feel?” he asked quietly.

  “Yes,” she replied, her mouth going dry.

  “Then it’ll never be too forward,” he said, taking her hand under the table.

  “Okay,” she said; she couldn’t think of anything else to say.

  He squeezed her fingers then let go so they could eat. “I was hoping after brunch we could go for a ride on the trails.” He inclined his head at Michael. “Michael said he and Gerald will be posted at different sites along the trail. I told him we wouldn’t go far. I wanted you to have a chance to rest and relax, or spend time with Maddison before we go to dinner at the Supper Club in Chandlerville.

  “You planned the whole day?” Shauna said, not sure whether to be impressed or wary.

  “Not really. I just took care of the brunch and the ride. Your mom wanted to go to the Supper Club. I don’t think you’re the type who would appreciate the hours of your day being mapped out for you.”

  That instant eased her concern and she flashed him a smile. “You don’t say.”

  He shrugged, keeping his head down over his plate. “Just a hunch.”

  She leaned over gently, bumping his shoulder. “Go with that.”

  “Are you good with today’s plan, though?”

  “Yes. I think it’s a great plan.” She smiled brightly and he grinned back before turning his attention to his food.

  After the heavy meal, Kimmy told Shauna she needed to help a friend with a project and would meet them at the Supper Club at seven p.m. Maddison and her mother retired to their cabins and Shauna let Zach lead her to the stables.

  Heading out toward the trail, she caught a glimpse of Michael well ahead in a golf cart. She smiled to herself. Some things never changed. Horses just weren’t his thing.

  She watched Zach as he followed the path in front of her. He was so quiet, but when he spoke, it was if he opened his soul to her. She liked him. She liked being with him, the way she felt when she was with him. He lit up her insides, but that devastating attraction was now tempered with the knowledge that he had her best interest at heart. He’d seen the heat in his eyes when he looked at her sometimes and knew it was reflected back from hers, but he hadn’t once moved on that. Well, not overtly. He hadn’t even kissed her.

  True, they’d only openly acknowledged their feelings for one another a week ago, but what a week it was. She only had two more weeks here with him and if they were anything like the former, she’d have some big decisions on her hands.

  They’d ridden for a good fifteen minutes before she made up her mind to share her college story with him. If she would invest any more of herself in this budding relationship, she had to know he could handle the most fragile parts of her.

  If she could feel safe and comfortable with him in the middle of nowhere, she could trust him with her fear. She slowed her horse and took a deep breath. “I want to tell you what happened during college.”

  She watched his head turn to her and his eyes register surprise. “You don’t have to...”

  She interrupted him. “I want to and need to. Do you mind?”

  He shook his head vehemently. “No, not at all. I’m honored. Do you want to get down?”

  “Not just yet,” she said, feeling vulnerable.

  “Okay.” He looked at her expectantly, glancing every now and then at the trail in front of them.

  “The middle of my freshman year, I attended a football after-party. Some of my classmates encouraged me and Kimmy to go with them. They thought it would relieve some of the stress from upcoming midterms.” She shook her head at her words and their irony.

  “I still had security, but it only consisted of one man per shift and he stayed in the background so I could feel normal.” She looked at him wryly. “I fought my dad hard for that concession. I sure regretted it that night.”

  “Kimmy and I decided to drink only one small cup of beer each since we didn’t know anyone. We must’ve nursed them for an hour when the host came around with soda for the designated drivers. I was never fond of beer so I took one of the cups. Kimmy declined because she hated having to use other people’s bathrooms.” She quirked her mouth in a sardonic smile. “I should’ve followed her lead.”

  “I started feeling odd — kind of off kilter — and I thought it was a delayed reaction from the beer. I left Kimmy in search of the bathroom
, hoping that if I splashed water on my face, my mind would clear. The one downstairs was in use and I was told the one upstairs was available.” She took a deep breath, trying to remain in the present. “The upstairs was quiet and all the doors were closed so I had to open the doors to find the right room. I was on my third try when the door was yanked open and I was pulled into the darkness.” Her body shuddered and she took another breath to calm herself. “I never saw his face but his voice will remain with me.”

  Her mind skipped to the pitch-dark room and the large hand covering her mouth and one nostril. The fear racing through her blood caused her breath to quicken. It didn’t take long for her to start getting light-headed.

  “Shauna?” Zach’s voice released her from the grip her memories had on her. She smiled shakily and Zach suggested they walk their horses while she continued to tell him.

  “Um...” Even though she’d told the story to the police, her therapist still struggled to find the best words to give her the distance she needed while expressing her views of what happened.

  “It was a moment-by-moment thing. It was the terror of being in a place with someone that meant me harm. It was taken up a few levels by the fact that I could barely breathe. The trauma started when he spoke. His voice was expressionless and cold.”

  She stopped to look at Zach thoughtfully. “You’d think the fuzziness would’ve abated with the adrenaline running through my system, but my legs started trembling and I lost my ability to fight.” Her mind flashed back to that moment when sheer panic swamped her. “I’ve been waiting for you.” The breath at her ear was moist, sending her stomach roiling.

  “Stay with me, Shauna.” Zach’s voice pulled her back. “You can stop if you need to.” His voice was etched with concern.

  “No. Just keep doing what you’re doing. Keep me here, okay?”

  He nodded but he didn’t look happy.

  “He said he’d been waiting for me. I didn’t know whether he actually knew me or first saw me at the party. I pleaded and tried to make as much noise as I could behind his hand, but he just shook me like a ragdoll until I passed out.” She watched Zach’s jaw clench. His fingers holding the reins were so tight, his knuckles protruded. She touched his face with her fingertips. “I’m here with you right now.”

  He took a deep breath. “You’re here with me.” He repeated. She nodded and continued.

  “I remember feeling some sensations like being carried, but it was hard to grasp in my mind. I came to full awareness in some dark place. At first, I thought I was blind because I knew I was blinking, but there was no light to speak of. My mouth was taped shut and as feeling came back into my body I discovered that my hands were tied together with rope and bound above me on some type of rail. The same was done to my feet and I could only guess that what I was lying on was a hard bed of some kind.” She looked up beyond the trail to center herself as she’d been taught. There were a few white, puffy clouds lazily moving across the sky and she watched them for a few seconds before continuing.

  “It took what I figured was a day to realize he wasn’t coming back. Your thoughts focus down to the size of a pinpoint when you want to survive. I tested my bindings and searched around the railing for any areas that could be used to work against the rope, but there were no sharp edges.

  “I laid there too afraid to go back to sleep in case I missed something or someone. The only way I could tell night from the day was because it got colder for a few hours and some mice made noise in the corner. At least I figured they were mice, because rats are much more aggressive.

  “Struggling became harder and my mind became sluggish without water and food. I thought of my family and how distraught they’d be and it gave me the will to keep working at the rope. I might have gotten loose, but I was just so tired.” She looked over to see that Zach had gone pale. When she reached for him, he waved her hand away and gestured for her to continue.

  “I was awakened by the distant sound of wood breaking. It was so hard to think. I was exhausted. There were a lot of sounds and voices. The fact that there was more than one voice caused me to press to the surface of consciousness to hear a woman say, ‘We found her.’ The elation was real, but I didn’t have the strength to remain conscious.

  “I woke up three days later in the hospital. The light was blinding and a little of the sluggishness was still there, but the overwhelming lethargy was gone.”

  She glossed over the reunion with her parents, siblings, and Kimmy. She’d never been able to think, let alone talk about their faces without crying.

  “Kimmy turned out to be the heroine of the hour, or week as it were.” She glanced back at Zach and was happy to see that he’d regained some composure.

  “The drinks had been rufied, but neither of us figured that out. Kimmy was just concerned because she said I looked unstable. She saw me go upstairs and gave it five minutes before following me and knocking on the door to check on me. When she saw it was empty, she went through the rooms and just barely saw someone being carried across the backyard from the upstairs window.” Shauna smiled more to herself than Zach.

  “She may seem shy and timid, but she’s fiercely loyal and brave.” Shauna rubbed Zeus’ neck in a motion that soothed both of them.

  “Kimmy ran down the stairs and out the back. There was an alley between the backyards of the houses. She got there in time to see a tall man getting into the driver’s side of a Jeep.

  My security saw her racing through the house and followed her. He caught up to her as the car drove away. He caught the license plate and called it in as he ran to his car so he could pursue the car I’d been taken in, but she ran and got in her car to follow him.” Shauna shook her head. It was a slightly amusing thought now.

  The security guy was able to spot the car and followed him. Kimmy was right behind him, but both of them were stymied when an impatient driver cut her off at a four-way stop.

  She was sure he turned off on one of the remote roads but hoped the security guard would stay on him.” Shauna let out a breath. “Unfortunately, he lost him over some rough terrain his sedan wasn’t built for. Kimmy was mad. Have you ever seen Kimmy angry?” Zach shook his head, still looking shell-shocked. “I have and that’s no picnic.”

  “Anyway, he thought he knew the way the guy was headed and told the police where to search, but there was nothing but a dead-end three miles farther up the trail.

  They searched the immediate area and moved outward.

  It took two-and-a-half days to find the well-hidden hunting cabins owned by a company that had gone out of business several years before. It took another day to find me just beyond them in the old caretaker’s cabin. It had been vacant for at least five years, but had been the only structure boarded up.

  “He’d left me there to die. They searched, investigated, asked me questions in the hospital, and had me come into the station a couple of times to go over my story again, but they never found the guy. I had my first panic attack in the hospital when I woke up the first night and the room was dark. I was right back in that caretaker’s shack. I know my triggers now though, and I can usually feel when one is coming on and talk myself down.” She felt a sense of pride in that.

  “They never found him?” Zach’s whole countenance had changed. She thought he’d been quiet during the retelling of her abduction, but this was different. He seemed distant. Maybe it was too much for him. She was both deeply disappointed and relieved he’d listened and she’d told him now.

  “No, they never found him. My dad was beside himself. He fired the guard. I think he works in Alaska at a Fosters Freeze.

  He hired a P.I. firm. It’s the same one he uses now. They would get a lead only to have it go nowhere. College was interesting after that.”

  “You stayed there?” Zach asked, looking incredulous.

  “I couldn’t let him take that away.” She said matter-of-factly.

  Zach looked almost purple. “You could have died. I wouldn’t have met you.” Z
ach said quietly, almost to himself. She peered at him.

  Are you okay?” She tried again, hoping he’d give her some other explanation for his withdrawal.

  He stared at her for a moment. “I’m fine.” He rubbed his fingers over his eyes for a moment. “I think we should head back. I didn’t mean to have you out this long. You should get some rest before we have to go back out.” She nodded, relieved he was still considering going with them to dinner. Maybe he just needed a moment.

  They got back on the horses and turned them around. Zach called Michael and let him know they’d be returning to the stable.

  Zach walked her from the stable to the steps of the cabin. When he made a move to come up the stairs she stopped him.

  “You don’t look good at all. Maybe you should lie down or something.”

  He hesitated. “Are you sure? I could take a quick look. It will take Gerald a moment to get back here. His golf cart stopped on him.”

  “Maybe I should go with you., she said, starting to get really concerned at the look of his sallow complexion.

  “No!” The terse response startled her and he looked contrite. “Sorry. No, I’m okay. I’ll be fine. I just need a few minutes.”

  He said a hasty goodbye then hightailed it to his cabin. She watched him go, her heart sinking with each one of his steps. She took a deep breath and walked up the steps to her door. She let herself in and closed the door. She rested her head against the door and gave in to the pain of Zach’s rejection. She was pushing back from the door when she felt another presence. The hairs on the back of her neck stood on end.

  “Hello again, Shauna; it’s been a while.” That voice. She knew that voice.

  Chapter 26

  “YOU AND YOUR BEAU HAVE a falling out?” the voice crooned in her ear and she thought she’d be sick.

  “Too bad the two of you can’t reconcile before you die. I know he’ll feel just awful that he left things the way they were, but one never knows what will cause someone to take their own life.”

  At those, she struggled in earnest. Her arms were pinned to her sides, but her feet were free and the heels on her boots were heavy. If she died, people would know there was a struggle.