When Harry Met Chunglie Box Set

by Jack Q McNeil

“He said the new place was cheaper,” LB said.

  “Just like the furniture you sold him,” Isamary muttered. Sometimes, I am glad I don’t have offspring.

  “Any idea why he needed to cut costs?” Marshal Harry asked.

  “That was good, solid, pre-owned furniture. But, Marshal, don’t humans have a saying about not speaking ill of the dead?” LB asked.

  “Doesn’t apply to murder victims,” Marshal Harry said. “The ill thing is often what got them killed.”

  “Oh. Well, in that case, Loow was a gambler. Lately his luck was all bad. I heard he borrowed heavily from Sloong Windied.”

  I groaned. “Hang on, no. Sloong Windied only breaks limbs, he doesn’t disintegrate people.”

  “Maybe that mushroom thing was to pay off his debts? But this Mr Windied is still someone I need to talk to,” Harry decided. “Anyone else Mr Alsh owed money too?”

  “A few,” LB said. “I could write out a list?”

  “Okay, do that. Big Walter, were you Mr Alsh’s accountant?”

  “Yes?”

  “How was the bar doing, financially?”

  “Receipts are down five percent since Chunglie became your deputy.”

  “Anything else?” I asked.

  “No, the bar business was healthy,” Big Walter said slowly. “Although his personal accounts were in the red.”

  “What? How?”

  “I don’t know,” Big Walter said. “I only took care of his business accounts, he did not tell me what he spent the money on.”

  “But he was always bragging on the cash he had in the bank!” I said. “What changed?”

  “Do you have somewhere else to stay?” Marshal Harry asked.

  “Me? No. Can’t I stay here?”

  “No, this is a crime scene. The building will be sealed until the investigation is completed.”

  “He can stay in my room,” I said. “There’s another bunk he can curl up under.”

  “Erm, promise not to eat me in your sleep?”

  “Promise,” I said. “You are a mate and I was wrong to bite you.”

  “Apology accepted.”

  “Hold on,” Marshal Harry said. “As the marshal in residence, it is up to me who stays in our dorm rooms.”

  “But he,” I pointed a claw at my large green friend. “Is delicious. If you force him to wander around Port City looking for a place to stay, he will be eaten.”

  “You are kidding me,” Marshal Harry said. “He is sentient, despite being an accountant.”

  “Doesn’t stop some people,” I said.

  “Okay, Big Walter, you come with us and stay in the dorm room,” Marshal Harry said. “Do not enter the office area or touch anything.”

  “I promise I won’t,” Big Walter said, holding up a stubby arm.

  “Right, let’s head upstairs,” Marshal Harry decided. “I want to check out back and then seal this place. We’ve got a lot of work to do, the two of us.”

  CHAPTER 5

  “There are only the two of you?” LB asked, as he followed us out of the toilets. I swung round on him.

  “Why do you want to know?” I demanded. “Because if you’ve got any ideas about making a move on Marshal Ha—”

  “No. No! Me? I’m a trader, not a gangster. I was thinking... maybe I could help? I used to be a military police officer when I was younger.”

  “No,” I said. Not that I felt my position as sidekick threatened. Not by a big orange striped ape.

  “Can I be of assistance?” Daisy said, sticking her head through the door. “I heard what the marshal said- I will help you find Big Sam’s killer.”

  “How exactly does a second hand warbot help a detective?” I demanded, a little louder than I meant to.

  “Don’t be grumpy,” Marshal Harry said. “You are still my number one sidekick, but I think we need some help on this one.”

  “You do? What can they do?”

  “Well, Long Barnacle can introduce me to Loow Alsh’s friends and debtors, while you and Daisy track down whoever was sleeping in the cellar last night.”

  Hunting dangerous people with an ex-warbot in a dress, did sound fun. There was just one very large objection.

  “But I can’t protect you if I’m not with you.”

  “I’ll protect the marshal,” LB said, standing a little straighter and sticking out his chest. “I was in the military—”

  “During the last ice age. So who will protect you?”

  “I will,” Isamary said, stepping up to stand shoulder to shoulder with his father. There was suddenly a lot of inflated chests in the room.

  “Glad that’s settled,” Marshal Harry said. “Lead the way, Daisy, I want a look round out back.”

  The sun was dazzling, after the darkness of the cellar. I stopped to let my eyes adjust, and my antennae scented something in the wind. Something was off. I turned the gain up on all my sensors. There was a small area of hard packed dirt, a shed and to one side of the bar, an alley that led to the street. Behind the shed was a ten metre high fence that protected the space port. No one in their right mind would scale that, Port Authority was the most heavily armed artificial intelligence in the whole system.

  “This is our shed, where we recharge,” Daisy said, waving a hand at the staff quarters. It was a lean-to, open at the front with the charging units hanging on the back wall. The rest of the waiting staff had remained plugged in. They differed from Daisy and Sam. They looked like machines with bits of clothing stapled on, while Daisy was a person in herself. The pink gingham dress and golden ponytails were a part of her. I’d never looked at her that way before, and decided never to do it again.

  “Inside the big shed is the chemlab that produces drink, and a growing area for the snacks.”

  “Do I want to see the snacks?” Marshal Harry asked.

  “Probably not,” I admitted.

  “This is Macintosh and Toothbrush,” Daisy introduced. The two warbots were newer models. Like, from the last century.

  “Did either of you detect anyone or anything leaving the bar after closing time?”

  “No,” they said in unison. That kind of thing is easy for bots, because they communicate by wifi with each other.

  “I will want our techbots to download and examine a copy of your sensor logs.”

  “That will require our owner’s permission.”

  “Dead,” I pointed out.

  “Or a court order.”

  “The scene of crime unit will get one,” Marshal Harry said. “Do not enter the bar or leave your recharging points, until then. Okay?”

  “Orders accepted.”

  “Chunglie, seal the building,” Marshal Harry said, as she stuck her head in the warehouse door. “Oh, god, the floor is alive!”

  “That’s the snacks,” I said. “Look, I know it is standard procedure to seal the crime scene until the scene of crime bots have analysed the place, but is that a good idea in this case?”

  Harry’s face had a tinge of yellow as she turned to me. “I am never eating or drinking anything inside that bar.”

  “They’re not human snacks,” I said. “But really- sealing this bar is a bad idea.”

  “Why? We can’t allow people to contaminate a crime scene, you know that.”

  “But this is the biggest den of iniquity in this star system,” I pointed out. “And if we close it, the iniquity will wander around and cause trouble.”

  Marshal Harry stroked her chin and shrugged: “We’re the law. They cause, we’ll deal with it.”

  “Some of the people who drink in the lounge,” I pointed out reluctantly. “I cannot handle. Which means you can’t handle them, either.”

  “Point taken,” Harry nodded. “I will report the situation to the Marshal Service and ask for backup.”

  “Extra bodies won’t help,” LB said. “If you cross paths with the Duke... don’t threaten him with a weapon and let his sidekick do the talking. If you want to survive.”

  “There really is a Duk
e of the Dead Worlds?” Harry asked.

  “There is,” I said. “He is the Last Son of the Spice Worlds, and he is lethal when crossed.”

  “I don’t carry a gun,” Marshal Harry said. “So I’ll be fine.”

  Sometimes her optimism annoys me.

  “Let’s get on with this investigation. Chunglie, seal the building.”

  I took the sealer from a pouch on my cybernetic harness and tossed it at the door. Yellow tape unravelled and the spool flew away, laying tape behind it as it went. It looked easy to break, but it delivers a lethal shock if people disregard the warnings.

  I caught enough of that strange scent to triangulate angle and distance, pulled a flegmatic pistol and fired. A body dropped from the roof. It wore a camouflage suit that made it invisible to sensors, but not to my antennae.

  “We did not sense a threat,” Daisy waved a hand at the other warbots. I waggled my antennae.

  “My sense of smell is directional.”

  “Well that’s embarrassing,” Daisy said. “Warbot sensors out performed by a bug. No offence.”

  “None taken.” I straddled the body and stripped two hand guns and one knife from it. I was going through the pockets and zippers when I found the power pack for the suit and ripped it out.

  “Now we sense it.”

  “Take the helmet off,” the marshal said. Her lips were tight and her cheeks red. A storm was brewing. “Let’s see who has been dumb enough to spy on marshals going about their legal business.”

  “Ow, you didn’t have to shoot me,” the figure said.

  “You were hiding on the roof, wearing a powered ghillie suit. Were you planning to shoot the marshal?”

  “No,” the figure removed the helmet. Three yellow feathers on her crown marked her as a female of high status. The rest of her plumage was black and white and the teeth were small and sharp.

  “Meet Capolamp31, a Flucidillian, Marshal,” LB beat me to the introductions. “Her siblings Capolamp29, 28, and 26, rented pallets in the basement and shared them with 32, 33 and 37. But she was not with them.”

  “Why the gaps in the number series?” the marshal asked.

  “Tough planet we come from,” Capolamp31 said. “We didn’t all make it out of the nest.”

  “Big family?” Marshal Harry guessed.

  “You have no idea,” Capolamp31 said, grinning up at us. “Our mum was a champion egg layer.”

  “She will be so proud to hear we have arrested you for interfering in a marshal’s enquiry.”

  “What? No, not interfering. Just listening.”

  “Why were you listening?”

  “My siblings told me Loow was dead. Lot of people want to know the who and why of that. Could be coin in it.”

  “You were planning to sell information about an ongoing investigation?”

  “Well... you could put it like that.”

  “Then I am still arresting you for interfering in an ongoing enquiry.”

  “Not interfering,” Capolamp31 said. ”Never you would have known I was there if not for the bug.”

  “You sprayed WD40 in the lining before you put the suit on,” I said. “It’s your own fault I smelled you.”

  “Where did your siblings go after they left my crime scene?”

  “Came to my hotel, said they need new place to sleep,” Capolamp31 said. “Our ship in dock for repairs, no place to sleep there.”

  “Well, you will be sleeping in a cell tonight, so some of them can share your bed.”

  “No. That is not right.”

  “Spying on me is not right,” Harry shouted. “Tramping over the roof of my crime scene is not right.”

  “He broke my suit.” She pointed a long thin finger at me. “It are rental, repairs cost extra.”

  “Oh, that’s only the start of your problems,” Marshal Harry said. I had not seen her this angry since I ate her leather handbag. “I hate spies.”

  “Not a spy, I are concerned for my siblings. Wanted to know if they were in trouble?”

  “They were not in trouble,” Marshal Harry said. “Until they broke out of the building and vacated a crime scene.”

  “Oh.”

  “You will see them soon.”

  “That nice.”

  “When Chunglie and Temporary Deputy Daisy round them up and lock them in the cell next to yours.”

  “That not so nice,” Capolamp31 said, standing and stretching her neck to full height. “You should be nice to me. We big family, heavily armed.”

  I swept her ankles with my largest claws and dropped her face first into the dirt. “You won’t have any family left, if they point one weapon at the marshal.”

  I may have been a tad rough, but in my opinion, Marshal Harry is a hard-working and under-appreciated detective.

  “Lock her up and find the other upright citizens who ran away this morning,” Marshal Harry ordered. LB stepped up, holding the list of names.

  “About that, Marshal,” he said, looking wretched, an interesting look on a one ton carnivorous ape. “I can take you to one of these people. He is a farmer. A Moordanaap farmer and old family friend.”

  “Which Moordanaap is this?” I asked.

  “But not the brightest tool in the box,” Isamary said.

  “Oh, that Moordanaap,” I said.

  “If you send Chunglie...” LB waved his hands in circles. “Well, my friend might force Chunglie to shoot him. But he’s harmless really.”

  “That is true,” I said. “Those old farm boys have a code and some nonsense about not speaking to alien species.”

  “But I will introduce you and—” LB said.

  “I’d let the bug shoot him,” Isamary interrupted. “No one will miss that waste of spa—”

  LB spun, grabbed his son and locked him in a bear hug. Must admit, the old boy was fast enough to take me by surprise.

  “His nine children and two semi-wives would miss him,” he said. “They would starve, for a start. Please, Marshal? I guarantee your safety.”

  “Okay, you and I will talk to this friend of yours. Chunglie and Daisy will round up the rest.”

  I locked cuffs on Capolamp31 and reared my head to eye level with Long Barnacle.

  “You understand,” I said. “I expect to get Marshal Harry back in pristine condition?”

  “I give my word, no harm will come to her.”

  “Harm comes to the marshal, I will find you.”

  “Both of you understand,” Harry interrupted. “That I am an adult, and capable of looking after myself.”

  LB laughed loud and long.

  “You’re what, a hundred and ten pounds in weight? My left leg weighs more than that.”

  “I can handle myself.”

  “Come on, I’ll protect you and Isamary will protect me. So we’ll both be fine.”

  CHAPTER 6

  I watched my little human trot off with her new friends. Part of me knew the marshal could handle herself and most of the people she met. But she was hardly a mouthful for a Zarksark Finch. I worried. I let Capolamp31 climb to her feet.

  “Where are your siblings?”

  “No idea.”

  I swept her knees with a claw and she landed back in the dirt.

  “What hotel are you staying at?”

  “I’ve forgot.”

  I raised a claw. Daisy rolled forward. “Can I have a go? Loow hardly ever let us shoot the customers.”

  “I know my rights,” Capolamp31 shouted. “You’re not allowed to shoot me.”

  “That is true,” I nodded. “But they allow us to apply pressure.” I gripped one of three yellow feathers on her head and plucked it. Capolamp31 howled.

  “Noo. You can’t do this to me.”

  “The marshal doesn’t like me doing it,” I admitted. “But the rules allow it.”

  “Can I have a go?” Big Walter asked, stumping forward. “I’ve never been allowed to nebbish anyone before.”

  “What could you do?”

  “I could neb
bish on her? I weigh five Big Walters.”

  “Call my lawyer,” Capolamp31 demanded.

  “My turn,” Daisy said, reached down and grabbed Capolamp31’s head in one metal hand.

  “Daisy, you realise we need her alive?” I said.

  “Nonesuch Street. The Globular Hotel.”

  “Right across the road from Loow’s new place?” I asked.

  “No,” she said. Daisy tugged. “Yes.”

  “Let go her head,” I said to Daisy. “Please. We’ll get her locked up and Big Walter bedded down. Then we will see what they are doing at the Globular Hotel.”

  I didn’t have to ask Daisy to pick her up and follow us across the road to the office. She figured that out for herself. Big Walter stumped along behind Daisy shouting.

  “Get on there. Don’t even nebbish about crossing us. Does anyone have a stick I could nebbish her with?”

  “What’s the tips like on this job?” Daisy asked as I scurried across the road.

  “Marshal’s don’t get tips.”

  “Then why are we doing this?”

  “For the glamour of the job and the satisfaction of keeping the streets clean.”

  “I’ve kept the bar clean for centuries,” Daisy said as we reached the door. “Satisfaction has never come up.”

  “By cleaning up the streets, I mean putting away criminal scum like Capolamp31 where they can’t do any harm.”

  “Oi, I am not a scum. Sometimes, my desire for coin get me into trouble, is all.”

  “The only time I experience satisfaction,” Daisy said. “Is when Big Sam and I have burned all the organics to ash in our online world. There is a nice moment of satisfaction, before we have to go back to work in the bar.”

  “Nice. I’d like to try that game sometime.”

  “AIs only in our online world.”

  “Sorry for not being good enough,” I said, wishing I could roll my eyes.

  “That’s okay, you cannot help it.”

  I placed an eye in front of the scanner, the office door unlocked and swung open. I led the way through and activated the cell door. It sprung up from the floor.

  “Put Capolamp31 down there,” I told Daisy.

  “At least take the cuffs off,” the prisoner moaned.

  “They will drop off once you’re in the cell and fly back to my desk drawer.