“Dad,” Jonah warned, his voice low. The mood shifted again, and Michael’s hand froze midair as he brought a bite to his mouth. His brows furrowed, and I knew my brother was desperate to hear the end of that sentence.
His dad blinked and turned bright red before clearing his throat. “I overstepped, forgive me. I meant… I’m happy you’re happy. That’s all.”
Jonah took a long breath before nodding as the conversation moved toward more trivial things. Tate ribbed Paxton, and Patrick hit on the waitress, earning a pat on the back from Michael. The sight of them joking made me so happy for my brother, that he found the family he needed.
Once we finished the meal, I used Michael as an excuse to let the two of them visit. “Thank you so much for the meal, Mr. Daniels. It was nice meeting you.”
He shook my hand and smiled at me with so much warmth, it made me miss my dad so damn much. “You too, Ryann. And Michael. Hopefully see you again soon!”
I slid out of the booth, avoiding both Jonah’s stare and Michael’s suspicious look. I could feel Jonah and Michael staring at me, and I hated it. Jonah had nothing to worry about if he was concerned I’d tell my brother, and Michael… he needed to chill, even though his suspicions were right.
“You guys wanna head to the house? I’m bored,” Patrick said.
Michael shook his head and stared right at me when he said, “I need to talk to my sister.”
Shit. This wasn’t good.
Patrick, Paxton, and Tate took off, leaving me and my brother alone in the parking lot outside the restaurant. He asked the question I knew he would.
“Why were you there with them, and what happened with Jonah’s mom?”
Don’t lie. I swallowed and tried to look natural, play it cool. “His dad invited me to be nice, and it’s not my business to tell you about his past, Michael.”
“He’s my teammate.” He made his eyes bug out, like that would convince me to break my trust with Jonah.
I put my hands on my hips and stared him down. “Well, he’s my friend, and I’m not going to ruin that. If he wanted to tell you, he would.”
My brother’s face tightened, and his eyes took on a dark haze, one that made me feel horrible because I deserved it. “Aren’t you two getting chummy then?”
My heart raced at his insinuation, but I knew he was annoyed I wasn’t sharing Jonah’s story. There was no way he knew the real truth. The fact I broke my promise and could risk everything if he found out. “Look, I know you care about the team and want to bring everyone together, but he’ll get there, eventually. You’re a great leader, bro, continue being you. You can’t force others to open up.”
He ran a hand over his face and nodded a few times. “Sorry. You’re right. I was being an ass. Hanging with his dad felt… weird.”
“I know. I miss him and mom so much.” My eyes stung enough that I faced the other way to hide it from him.
He put an arm around me and pulled me into a half-hug, the real reason for his snippiness coming through. “Let’s go do something fun.”
“Like bowling?”
“Exactly like bowling.” He laughed, and I left with him, trying to shake off the combined feelings of guilt and grief. Would we still hang out like this if he ever found out what Jonah and I had done? Twice? Would he cut me out? Would he move away and not talk to me again?
I didn’t want to know the answer.
18
Jonah
Coach Bart Keller was a hard ass and commanded us to be better. All the preseason anticipation seemed to implode at practice with only two weeks until the first game, and something was off. The air changed. Shots weren’t made, goals weren’t blocked, our passing was embarrassing, and Coach had another vein about ready to bulge from his existing vein. We’d been at it for an hour already, my blood pumping with adrenaline, but it wasn’t a good practice.
“Two weeks. That’s it. I can’t help you get ready if you’re going to play like this.” He slammed his clipboard on the side of the rink and pinched the bridge of his nose. “We’re done. Skate if you want, I don’t care. Come back tomorrow and be ready, all of you. Patrick, Paxton, Michael, stay here.”
Everyone’s shoulders slumped as we made our way off the ice and into the locker room. Some of the freshmen wore looks of horror, and I almost smiled. It was normal to have an off day as a team. This wasn’t the end of the world, but it did place a wedge of worry in my chest. What if fooling around with Ryann caused this in a sick twist of karma?
“J.D., there’s a woman outside the locker room to see you,” Lex said, his face serious and lacking his normal grin. “Said it’s important.”
“Okay, thanks.” I put my equipment into my bag and threw on athletic shorts and a long-sleeved T-shirt before wiping a towel over my face. On my way out, Patrick passed me, and he didn’t wear his typical smirk like he was about to tell a joke. He was focused and looked pissed. He didn’t acknowledge me, and a lump formed in the back of my throat.
There’s no way they know about Ryann.
My breathing faltered as I waited for Michael to come out of Coach’s office, praying he’d give me a nod or a semblance of a greeting. I stood stiff as a steel rod and clutched the strap of my bag tighter. Paxton left, same serious face as his twin, and that meant the one alternate captain remained. What is Coach saying?
Michael came out after three minutes of torture, and when his gaze landed on me, he nodded in greeting. He hit my shoulder and said, “Wish we all had your focus, J.D.”
Then he let go and kept walking.
My shaky sigh put everything back in place. The chemistry was fine. Coach probably wanted to talk to the leaders on the team to get everyone in line and it had nothing to do with me and Ryann.
Thank god.
With a new bounce in my step, I made my way out of the locker room, searching for some woman. Ryann wouldn’t be who they meant, not with her brother here.
The weirdest thought intruded, the more inappropriate of thoughts.
What would it feel like to know she was waiting for me after a game? Seeing her wear my jersey and smile that toothy grin at me? I blinked, shoving the image away because that wasn’t a possibility for us, ever. That seemed too girlfriendy when her last name tied her to Michael, so even if I bent the no-girlfriend rule… she was my teammate’s sister.
“Jonah?” a soft, nervous voice pulled me to the right, and I froze. Absolutely paralyzed at the sight of my mom. Here. On campus.
My heart thudded so loud it was all I could hear. The distant chatter of my teammates faded away as my mom’s face came into view. She looked older, tired, unhappy. Wrinkles formed on either side of her eyes, and her hair had a little more gray than the last time I saw her. Besides that, she was the same.
I couldn’t fucking speak.
“I was hoping to talk to you for a moment,” she said, swallowing loudly and taking a step toward me. “Please.”
She wore a basic Burlington U shirt and jeans and had her hands clasped in front of her. This was the woman who left us, Dad and me, and used every nasty trick in the book to rob my dad of his money.
“No,” I yelled, not caring that my voice echoed.
She flinched and took a shaky breath. “Please, Jonah. I can’t tell you how sorry I am for—”
“I said no. I have nothing to say to you.” My left eye twitched, and a headache exploded around my temples from seeing her here.
“I want to talk to my son. I fucked up.” She sniffed, and tears fell down her face. The emotion should’ve bothered me, but it pissed me off even more. I wanted to punch a wall or run five miles without stopping. Do something to stop this onslaught of unwanted feelings making me go crazy.
“What are you referring to, exactly?” I stepped toward her with balled fists and forced myself to relax my hands. I wouldn’t hurt her, but my body seemed to be out of control with rage. “The fact you abandoned your only son and replaced him with his best friend? The fact you haven’t talked to me
in two years? The fact you broke Dad’s heart and took him for every fucking penny he had? Which one are you talking about?”
Light footsteps came behind me, but I didn’t care to turn around. My mom’s eyes widened, and she placed a hand over her mouth, her shoulders shaking as she cried. I slammed my eyes shut. How dare she act like the victim? She did this.
“J.D.”
A hand came down on my shoulder, and I sliced my gaze to Michael. His tight expression told me he knew enough. “Do you need me to call security?”
He’s on my side. I almost relaxed but shook my head. “No. Not yet.”
“Want me to stick around?” he asked, his tone serious and low. His attention moved to my mom, and his jaw tightened. “I’ll hang back there. Let me know if you need help.”
My throat tightened, and I nodded. He now knew my mom thought I was replaceable. Awesome.
“Did you come here to embarrass me? Let everyone know how I’m not worth keeping as a son?” I asked once Michael was out of earshot. “You don’t get to pick when we talk.”
“W-when can w-we?” she asked, full-on sobbing now.
“I don’t know that we can.” That was the truth of it. “I’m not sure I can ever forgive you. Maybe what you did to me, telling me hockey ruined your life. It’s a lot, and not everyone likes it. But what you did to Dad?” I paused, shaking my head as my lip curled up in disgust. “That is unforgivable.”
“Your father and I had our own issues that you might never understand. But Jonah, my only regret is hurting you. My actions caused me to lose my son, and that’s something I will try to fix for the rest of my life. I love you.”
“Don’t come here again. Don’t call me. If I ever feel like you’re worth my time, I have your number.”
I slung my bag back over my shoulder and marched out of the rink into the warm air. It didn’t heat up my veins though. Seeing her in the flesh after two years unsettled me to the point I wasn’t sure if I needed to throw up or get rip-roaring drunk.
Possibly both.
Ryann.
That’s who I wanted to see, talk to, lose myself in. She’d know what to do or say, and I hurried home, desperate to see her. I was disappointed when the place was empty. No music, no laughter. Just the lingering smell of her lotion.
Jonah: Where are you?
Ryann: Hello to you too. At the library.
Shit. That’s right. She told me she’d be there studying.
I ran a hand over my face, got a bottled water and my backpack, and walked the six blocks to the library as fast as I could. It should’ve worried me, my desperate need to tell her, but it didn’t. I trusted her. I rushed into the double-doors, scanning the first floor for signs of her blonde hair. She sat at the table with three other people, and one guy had his arm on the back of her chair.
He said something that made her laugh, and she tilted her head back, cackled, and the guy leaned closer to her. She didn’t recoil. She let him get in her space—an action very few people did, and something snapped inside me.
I marched over to the table, and her gaze moved to me before I got there. Her eyes widened in pleasant surprise, but the look shifted to concern just as fast.
“Jonah,” she said, moving from the table and standing. “What’s wrong?”
I ignored the wide eyes from her tablemates and glared at her. “Hey, can we talk?”
“Yeah, okay. Be right back guys, sorry. Move onto the next chapter without me.” She chewed her bottom lip and frowned as I jutted my head to one of the empty conference rooms. They lined the south wall, and students could rent or use them if they were empty.
Thank god this one was vacant.
We got in, and I shut the door before she spun to face me. “What’s going on, Jonah?”
I couldn’t stop myself. I cupped the back of her head and slammed my mouth onto hers. I needed her warmth, happiness, joy, reason. All of it. The shit with my mom messed me up so bad that my brain hurt, and I tilted her head back, needing her to give into the kiss.
“Please, Ry,” I begged, staring down at her confused blue eyes.
She hesitated for a second before reaching up and wrapping her arms around my shoulders to kiss me back. It wasn’t a messy, scorching hot kiss. This one was slow. Lots of strokes and teases and moans. I used my other hand to cup her ass and pull her tighter against me. All thoughts of that guy, my mom, and the team left my mind.
It was her.
We kissed for minutes, my hand roaming up and down her back and ass. She tasted like home and sweetness, and eventually I stopped and rested my forehead on hers. It would be cruel to use her to escape my demons, no matter how much I wanted her. “I don’t want to stop, but we are in a library.”
She panted as I did and cupped my face, forcing me to look at her. “Jonah, what happened? Something’s off, and while I could totally make out with you for hours, this isn’t normal.”
I sucked in a breath when she gave me a half-smile, her other hand running through my hair in such a gentle way. I slammed my eyes shut and sagged against her. “My mom showed up after practice today.”
Her face scrunched together, and she closed her eyes. “Oh god, I’m sorry.”
“I don’t know what to do.”
“What did you say to her? What did she say?”
“She wants me back in her life. I told her to get out, that I’d call her if I ever wanted to talk to her.” I gulped and tightened my grip on Ryann.
She nodded a few times. “What’s your gut telling you to do?”
“I don’t fucking know. I needed to see you.” I pushed away from her, ran a hand through my hair, and paced the small room. “Am I an asshole for what I said to her? She was crying and saying she loved me, but she put my dad through hell. How can I accept that?”
“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want.”
I faced the one small window the room had, unable to bring myself to look at my roommate. If there was judgement on her face, it’d break me. I already blamed myself for why my mom left, but if Ryann thought I was a total jerk, I’d sink even lower. “I can’t afford this type of distraction with the season happening in two fucking weeks.”
“I think you more than anyone can use this to fuel you. She left you and made you think it was somehow your fault when she’s a grown woman who fucked up. She doesn’t deserve your forgiveness, Jonah. Play your heart out, finish the season, then see if you’re ready to talk to her.”
There wasn’t pity in her voice or judgment. I looked over my shoulder and found her staring right at me, fire brewing in her eyes. Pressure in my chest grew to the point it was almost painful, and I dug my fingernails into the material of my shirt. “I feel lost.”
“I know what you mean.” She walked over to me again, wrapping her arms around my waist and laying her head on my chest, right over my pounding heart. She smelled like lavender and coffee, and I rested my chin on her head, wishing somehow nothing would change between us.
“I hate that she left you, screwed your dad over, and is putting you through this.”
“I’m sorry I’m complaining to you. I just…”
“Jonah, stop apologizing. When you care about someone, you’re always there for them. There is no complaining when you’re upset.” She looked up at me, long lashes fanning over her cheeks. I drank in the birthmark under her left eye and her expression showing a strength I wish I had. She continued, “Let me finish up this study group, and we can head home. We can talk if you want, drink the beer your dad left to get drunk, eat snacks, watch TV. Whatever you need.”
“What if I want to do something else?” I moved my hand to cup her ass. Her face turned red.
“We can definitely do that,” she said, laughing and standing on her tiptoes to kiss me again, just once. Then twice. “I need about an hour. Want to hang around and walk back together?”
She could ask me to wait all day and I would. But I said, “Sure.”
She kissed me a third time before
walking away, and I wasn’t sure if it was the leftover emotions from seeing my mom or the way Ryann was always on my side, but her just because kisses confused me in a whole different way.
Those seemed like more than roommates with benefits. They seemed like caring, and the idea didn’t freak me the fuck out.
If anything, I liked it and wanted more of them. But as quick as the thought came, another one ran it over and popped the momentary bubble of happiness.
How the fuck was I going to survive when this was over?
19
Ryann
With only a week left until the season started, the last thing I wanted to do was put a damper on the numbered days with Jonah. Some things couldn’t be stopped though, no matter how hard I tried.
It would’ve been our mom’s fiftieth birthday. She always talked about wanting to go on a cruise, sing karaoke, or get a tattoo. Michael seemed to go overboard with the tattoo thing, since he had a sleeve of colorful designs, and I always wondered if the idea came from our mom’s wish list.
I had to work the late shift again, giving Hannah another Saturday night free for date three, and there was homework and budgeting to do. Yet I didn’t have the motivation to get out of bed. It was warm here, safe, and comfortable. I could cry and roll over and doze for a few minutes, just to repeat the process again.
My comforter smelled like clean laundry, and since I shaved my legs the night before, rubbing my skin against the material was a smooth, small slice of heaven. It wasn’t until my phone buzzed on my nightstand that I realized the time.
Almost lunch.
Jonah: You okay?
Ryann: Yeah
His footsteps thudded outside my door, but the shadow remained for a minute. No knock came, but I knew he was there, so I forced myself up, running my hands over my eyes to try to refresh my puffy face. Some people could cry with dignity. I was not one of those people.
Holdout: A Moo U Hockey Romance Page 17