None of this would be happening.
He pushes the hair back from my face. “Go.”
I’m only two blocks from the hospital and make it there in no time. On my walk over, I didn’t allow myself to think about the colossal mess my life is. The things that Bryce and I said don’t matter right now, a patient needs me.
The hall feels longer than ever as I make my way to the nurses’ station. “Martina,” I call her name.
“Oh, Ren, it’s Mrs. Whitley,” she explains with sadness in her eyes.
No. No. Not today. Please, I’m not strong enough to handle this today.
“How bad?” I ask.
Her face says it all. It’s bad, and I won’t be able to do anything. “She’s asking for you.”
I replace my jacket with my white coat, slipping into doctor mode. I won’t get through this any other way. She’s the bright spot in my dark days, and I’m going to lose her today.
The beeping from the monitor is the only sound in the room. I make my way to her bedside, and take her hand in mine, relieving the nurse who is here. Mrs. Whitley doesn’t stir and the sound of her labored breathing makes my throat constrict. Just a few hours ago she was getting stronger, and now . . . she’s dying.
“I’m here, Mrs. Whitley. You’re not alone.” I push her white hair back with a sad smile. She told me once how she didn’t want to die in a room with no one who loved her. I promised I’d be beside her. I just wish it wasn’t happening at all. If she were well, I would tell her about my plight, and wait for the guidance she’d give. She was like a mother to me in some ways, always looking out for me.
“I meant to come by more often. You were doing better and I planned to come tomorrow to tell you everything. God, my heart right now is brimming and I have a lot to say and maybe you can help.”
She opens her eyes just barely. “Serenity.”
My name. I’ll miss hearing her say it. “I’m here.”
“Tell me what’s wrong.”
I close my eyes, my head dropping to our entwined hands, which rest on the bed. “The man I’ve told you about—the one I loved when I was young—he came back. He’s asking me to do something that I should never even consider, but my head won’t stop spinning. I’m not this girl. This weak woman who would do something so stupid for a man, but why do I want to?” I ask, as she lies here, allowing me my confession. “Love makes you stupid, but why would I even think about hurting myself to give him what he wants? What would you do if it was Leo? Would you sacrifice your own dreams if you knew it would be what made him happy? Isn’t that what love is? Would you risk everything for Leo even if you knew he wasn’t the one for you anymore?” I glance at her and she smiles a little.
“Yes,” she croaks.
“Leo loved you with his whole heart,” I tell her. Her lips turn slightly at the sound of his name. “Leo is waiting for you, isn’t he?” Once again, her mouth moves.
He’s what’s giving her peace right now.
“I remember the story you told me about him.” I rub her hand as tears fill my eyes.
When my mother passed away, it was the story of my father that she heard as she took her last breath. My brother and I stood on each side of her, recalling their love story. I hope this will give my friend the same peace.
“There was once a beautiful woman who was walking down the street, heading to the market. She was minding her own business, focused only on her task, when a handsome soldier bumped into her, causing her purse to fall to the ground and spill all its contents.” Mrs. Whitley sighs and I fight back tears. “Staff Sergeant Whitley was the most handsome man she’d ever seen. He smiled at her and had kind eyes. Immediately, he dropped to his knees, and helped collect all her belongings. When their hands touched, it was as if she’d been burned.”
“Leo,” she groans.
A tear drifts down my cheek at the sound of her voice calling out to him. “Leo walked her to the store, and then carried her groceries to her home. Unfortunately, her father did not take kindly to the handsome soldier.”
I remember watching her as she told the story that made me believe that real love does exist, even if it’s eluded me. Her father was not a good man, and he forbid them from being together. He was a high-ranking military officer and would not allow his daughter to be with a soldier.
“He threatened Leo, but Leo loved Dorothy the moment he saw her.” Her hand tightens slightly. “She loved him too, so each night, she’d sneak out of the house and meet him at the river bank. After weeks of sneaking around, her father became suspicious. Dorothy and Leo made plans to elope before he was shipped out.”
Her eyes open, locking with mine. I gently squeeze her hand and finish the rest. “They met that night, with plans to run away, but her father followed her. He threatened them both, but their love was so strong, it couldn’t be severed. Leo put Dorothy in his truck, and took her away, marrying her at first light. They were married for a long time, and loved each other until he took his last breath.”
Mrs. Whitley starts to gasp and I sit on the edge of her bed, my tears falling freely. A love like that was worth every risk. “Go to Leo. He’s waiting for you, his arms are open, he loves you. Go to him.”
The monitor shows that she’s in her last moments, and I turn the sound off and repeat Leo’s name, his love, and tell her she’s not alone.
I hit the call button, then the nurse enters and I shake my head. She stands on the other side of Mrs. Whitley, monitoring her pulse.
Mrs. Whitley’s eyes open one last time, and then close. And then she drifts away peacefully and I hope she’s with her Leo again.
“Time of death, twenty-forty-three.” My voice cracks on the last number and so does a part of me. I wanted to talk to her again, tell her about Westin and me starting to really become serious. She would’ve smiled when I let her know we were going to go to my father’s house.
“I’m sorry, Dr. Adams,” Martina says. “I know Mrs. Whitley meant a great deal to you.”
I close my eyes, trying to hide my emotions. “She was a great woman who I cared for very much.”
“She was like mother and grandmother to the entire staff,” she sniffs. “I looked forward to coming in here and visiting.”
“Has anyone called her son?”
The nurse’s eyes shift down. “Yes, he was on his way.”
“I’ll notify him when he arrives,” I let her know.
I glance over at my friend’s still form and another tear falls. She was a part of my day that I’ll never have again. She made me smile when I felt like I couldn’t because she was just that person. There was so much love in her heart, you couldn’t help but feel it when you were around her. I feel as though I’ve lost my mother all over again.
She loved me in her own way, treated me like her daughter. I saw how proud, and at times how disappointed, she was in me, but she was always kind. Mrs. Whitley was a part of me, and I just lost her.
Chapter 20
Fourteen Years Earlier
I turn down the dirt road. The lawn is a beautiful green with little patches of wildflowers. As a little girl, I always loved going out there, picking them and bringing them to my mother. She would gush about how lovely they were and put them in a vase. To the left is the big oak tree where my initials are carved and the tire swing sways. This house is my safe haven, the place I call home.
My brother sits on the porch, his head in his hands. “Everton,” I say as I walk toward him. He looks so much older than the carefree kid he was just a year ago. His features are sharper, and he’s not a kid, but a man.
His eyes meet mine, filled with unshed tears, and he doesn’t have to say anything more. There is only one thing that could bring both of the men in this house to their knees, and I just need some time to set things right.
Everton gets to his feet and pulls me into his arms. “You can save her, Ren. You’re almost a doctor, you can do this.”
“Is it bad?”
Tears fill his e
yes and I feel his chest heave. I can count on one hand the times I’ve seen Everton cry. He’s more like my father than I care to admit. He’s over six feet tall, has broad shoulders that carry the weight of the world, and kind eyes, unless you piss him off.
“Serenity,” Daddy’s voice is soft, but I can hear the sliver of relief when he sees me.
“Dad, where is she?”
“She’s in with the doctor, but sweetheart, it’s not good.”
“No, you’re just saying that because you don’t know. I’ll get in there, look her over, and talk to the doctor.”
Everton comes behind me and places his hand on my shoulder. “Ren,” he sighs and I look back.
“What?”
A tear falls down my father’s cheek and he shakes his head. “Don’t make this harder on her.”
I won’t, I tell myself as I enter the house. I’m just going to do what I can to make her fight. We just need more time for the chemo to work, damn it. They’re both giving up and I’m not. My mother never gave up on me, and you’ll have to take me with her before I do.
When I push open her bedroom door, the words escape me. I realize that God wasn’t willing to heed my request. There are dark purple bags under her beautiful blue eyes, and the word frail almost seems too strong to explain how she looks.
All the hope I was feeling as I stepped through here is gone. My mother is dying.
“Serenity,” she croaks and my heart breaks. “You came.”
“Mom,” my voice shakes. “Please, just . . .”
My thoughts are jumbled.
“Come,” her smile is soft. I do as she asks, making my way to her. Her hand rests on mine and the light in her eyes returns just a little. “My sweet girl, it’s time.”
“I should’ve been here earlier. I should’ve left school and been here.”
She shakes her head and sighs. “You got here,” her words come in soft breaths, “when you could.”
“There has to be something we can do. Talk to another oncologist? Maybe we can . . .”
“Shhh,” she squeezes my hand. “There’s nothing else to do now. I just want my family here.”
Losing her will destroy me, my father, and my brother.
“You can’t stop fighting, Mom.”
“I can’t keep going, Serenity. I’m tired now.”
I look over and see my father and brother in the doorway. All three of us have tears streaming down our faces. My mother smiles at my dad, and he comes forward. All four of us hold each other in some way, connected around my mom.
Time passes, but none of us care, we just hold my mother’s hands, letting her know that we’re here.
Most of the time it’s quiet, but every now and then someone speaks words of encouragement. My father leaves the room, and Everton and I stand on each side of her. Her breathing is softer, and less frequent. I lean down, press my lips to her cold skin, and whisper, “There was this beautiful woman named Harmony and she met a man named Mick. Mick wasn’t the kind of man she envisioned, he was gruff and rode a Harley. He had tattoos and a beard that hung low off his chin.” I wipe the tears as I recount the story of their life. “Harmony was soft, sweet, and her outward disposition was the opposite of Mick’s, but that was the thing, she saw through to his heart.”
Mom grasps at my hands and Everton’s. And then my brother begins speaking with silent tears. “Mick was all bluster because on the inside, he knew that Harmony was the woman for him.” My brother looks to me with desperation. So I continue.
I tell her about their love and the life they built. How adversity was nothing they couldn’t tackle if they had each other. My heart turns over in my chest as I think about how I felt the same before a voicemail. How I believed my love with Bryce was all I needed, and now it’s gone.
My mother’s chest rises and falls, and I see the struggle. I bring my head back to hers, tears falling, leaving droplets on the pillow beside her, and I know what she needs—permission to stop fighting. “It’s okay, Mom. You can let go, we’ll take care of Daddy.”
She takes two more shallow breaths, and then nothing else comes.
Everton sinks into the chair and I cry quietly, already feeling the loss of the woman who made me who I am.
I vow right now that I will fight cancer and ensure that as few people as possible will ever suffer loss like I just felt.
Chapter 21
Mrs. Whitley is gone. She’s gone and my world feels as though it’s crumbling around me. Bryce, Westin, Allison, my family, my beliefs . . . they all seem to dissolve around me as I stare at the woman I cared for so deeply.
If I stand here, I’ll break down. I don’t say a word as I rush out of the room, feeling disoriented and confused. Patients die. That is my reality. I’ve spent the greater part of my career keeping them at a distance, but never being cruel. Why did I let her in? Why did I have to lose her today? She should’ve been surrounded by her son and grandchildren. She was a beautiful woman who should’ve been loved by everyone. Cancer once again claimed someone and robbed them.
I’m supposed to be the one who stops it.
I’m the doctor that should’ve saved her. I did everything, and I still failed.
My feet move, but I can’t see anything through the tears.
I failed her.
I failed me.
I failed my mother again.
People move around me, but I don’t pay any attention, too lost in my own world and drifting away. That’s what the last few weeks have felt like. My anchor has broken and I’m lost at sea.
I hear someone laugh and I glance up to see Allison and Bryce huddled together in her room. He’s lying on the bed, arms wrapped around her and she’s staring up at him like he’s the reason she’s on this earth. I don’t know how long I stand here, watching them, but it’s like a movie in front of me.
“You love me?” she asks him.
“A little,” Bryce teases her.
It’s clear he loves her. His natural smile, the way his eyes are tender and his voice is soft. She means the world to him, and I see it all now. Bryce stares at Allison like my father saw my mother, and I realize it’s nothing like how he once looked at me. We were in love, yes, but it was young and wistful. We didn’t know the cruelties of life outside of college. Neither of us knew the strains of working, stress, finances, and true trials of the world. We failed our very first test, they haven’t.
She is who he is meant to be with.
“You know you love me more than a little,” Allison touches his face. “Besides, no one else would put up with your shit.”
She loves him the way I never could—enough to fight.
He laughs. “Is that so? Well, how much do you love me?”
He needs her like he never needed me.
Allison pretends to ponder. “I’m not sure. You’re kind of a pain in my ass.”
They’re meant to be together.
“That’s part of my charm.”
We were kids when we loved, but what they share is a true, honest, and beautiful love. As adults.
She shakes her head, and suddenly her mood shifts. Her fingers move softly against his stubble. “Who will take care of you if I’m gone?”
Bryce’s voice is full of determination as he takes her face in his hands. “You’re not going anywhere. Do you hear me? Say it. I won’t let you because I won’t survive it, Ali.”
“Okay, okay, I’m not going anywhere. Relax,” she smiles. “I love you, and our love will keep us strong. Besides, I’m getting the medication to make it better. I can feel it working.”
I take two steps back, hitting the wall and feeling the breath leave my chest in a huff. The remaining parts of my heart shatter and I know I can’t watch this. He could lose the happiness and future they deserve and I could be the one to stop that. One less loss in the world.
One less person in pain because of cancer.
Giving a patient what they truly need shouldn’t be this difficult of a choice.
I have to do this. It’s the right thing.
Without another thought, I walk to the lab, determined to not allow one more person I love to suffer. Fourteen years ago, Bryce made a choice to push me away to save my mother and my schooling. Now, I’m going to help someone he loves.
There’s a doctor walking out of the lab as I get there, and I catch the door before it closes so I don’t have to put my code in.
“Hello?” I call out.
No one answers.
I walk to the locked cabinet where the trial information is kept, and I dig through the folders. There’s one folder that I know has the medication that was meant for Lindsay, the patient that dropped out. This drug is just sitting here while Allison got the placebo. I stand here, holding the one thing in my hand that can destroy me to save another.
All I have to do is change the number on this folder and the number on Allison’s.
One swipe of the pen and no one will know except for me.
I close my eyes and hear my mother’s voice. “You have a gift Serenity, a beautiful gift and the ability to heal those around you, don’t ever squander that. Push past your own fears my beautiful girl. Don’t fear what you know is right.”
But can I do it? Can I actually go through with it? What if this isn’t right?
There’s no what if.
I know what I’m doing is wrong on a professional level. I’ll lose my job, respect, Westin, my family, and everything could go up in flames, but . . .
It’s wrong to not do it.
I can help someone. I can give them what they want, I know it. I know this trial is the right combination of meds, and while I may lose everything, I can give something to someone else. I can save her. This is the right thing. Allison will die otherwise and I will never forgive myself. Yes, I can do this.
You Loved Me Once Page 16