I don’t stop until I’m safely alone in my room with only my thoughts.
54
I shower because it’s the thing that calms me lately, though as I soap my body, it’s all I can do not to remember Griffin and Rainier in the shower.
Just like the slight ache between my legs makes me think of Byron and Van.
I still can’t believe what I’ve done. I know we all wanted it and no one was taken advantage of, but when Lee told me to come find his friends in the Blur, this isn’t what I was imagining.
I doubt it’s what he was imagining either.
But I want to help my sister. I want to help Seth. I want to bond with Van, Byron, Griffin, Rainier, and Seth.
I want to think straight. Get my head on right and stop letting my hormones lead, because they aren’t making my decision any easier.
I do believe in love at first sight. I thought that was what I felt for Lee when I first saw him in the library. I thought I felt it for Rainier, too. And every other dragon.
And it’s not like I go around the world falling for regular people, no matter how good-looking they are.
I can’t explain why it all feels fated. Perhaps I’m just good at wishful thinking. Perhaps that’s why everyone gave up on my sister and just left but I stayed.
My love doesn’t know how to give up.
I get out of the shower, change into a pair of red plaid pajamas, and walk out into my room to stare at my lonely bed.
Moonlight streams onto it, and I’m tired enough that I know I should just fall onto it and pass out.
But it looks too lonely, and I know if I lie down, I won’t be able to stop my racing thoughts and I’ll just be sleepless all night.
I don’t want to see Griffin and Rainier yet, and I don’t know how to face Byron and Van. How to face any of them.
Well, there’s maybe one dragon I could go see. If he’s home yet. I’m pretty sure I heard the front door open while I was taking my shower.
I’m still rubbing my hair with a towel as I creak open my door and peek out into the dark hallway. When I don’t see anyone, I tiptoe down the hall to a door at the end.
When I get there, I raise my hand to try and knock as quietly as possible, but it’s too late.
“Anna?” Seth’s low voice calls out. “You can just come in.”
How did he know I was there? I slowly turn the doorknob and walk into the room. Seth pushes himself up on his bed, rubbing his face before looking over at me.
I flush as I realize he’s shirtless. Was he sleeping naked?
“No,” he says, still looking drowsy, his pretty eyes hooded, some of his hair draping over his face, the blackened tips calling to me to wrap them around my fingers.
He smirks. “Though, I could get naked if you wanted me to.”
“Did you find serum?” I ask, noting that the dark circles under his eyes haven’t totally receded.
“No,” he says simply. “But we’ll find some tomorrow. Or something.”
I walk over to him, wondering how he stays so brave sometimes.
“It’s just practice,” he says, leaning on one hand as I try not to check out his bare chest, which is toned and muscled and a perfect contrast to his pretty face.
“Practice?”
“Sure,” he says. “When you think you’re going to die all the time, you get used to it and the fear can’t hurt you anymore. If you think about it, all humans live with that fear all the time, being mortal.” He cocks his head, and I just can’t help thinking he’s acting calmer about this than he feels.
I run my hand over the covers, biting my lower lip nervously. “Can I get in?”
His eyes go a bit wide, and I notice there is glowing green at the center. A sign that he isn’t feeling well. “Of course. The more the merrier.” He lifts the covers, and I’m relieved to see he’s wearing a pair of low-slung black pajama pants.
I jump onto the bed before he can change his mind and lie on my side awkwardly, pulling the covers back up around me.
He moves in closer, his hand coming up to stroke my arm. “Rough night?”
His chest is almost touching my back, and I can’t resist the heat radiating from his body.
I scoot back until we’re spooning and sigh because it just feels right.
“Well, I’m not complaining,” he says softly, propping his head up on one hand while his other hand comes around my waist, stroking lightly. “But if you’re upset, we can also talk.”
I shake my head. “I wouldn’t even know what to talk about.”
“Why did you come to me, then?” His hand moves lazily over to my hip, his fingertip stroking along it carefully. “I told you it’s a bit much to do sex when I’m holding back this much poison. Though, if you’re down for some really dangerous play, I suppose we could try.”
I roll over, offended, hoping there’s no way he’s serious.
His eyes are heavy-lidded as he watches me, and his face is relaxed and tired. He slowly drops the fake smile, and when I look in his eyes, I can see the true pain he carries.
This time, it’s me who strokes his hair back, watching him close his eyes in pleasure as his body starts to relax.
“That feels good,” he says softly.
“I’m sorry you feel so sick most of the time,” I say, continuing to stroke his hair, massaging his scalp lightly with my nails. I can’t help enjoying his light groans or the way his big body seems to relax with my actions.
“It’s fine,” he says. “Most of the time, I try not to think about it. It’s not so bad. Besides, I deserve it.”
That last part, spoken in a low, broken voice, makes me pause in stroking my hand through his hair. “What do you mean?”
He rolls onto his back, letting his hand fall over his taut waist as he stares at the ceiling, seeing something I can’t as his mouth twists with stress. “It’s my fault we’re all in this mess. I guess that’s why I try to cooperate so much. Try to help pair up the other dragons.”
I curl up next to him, stroking his arm, so I can listen and soothe him at the same time without being overwhelming.
I do like that about myself. I tend to be able to figure out what people need. And it’s maybe the only thing that could have cheered me up right now. Being able to be there for someone else.
Plus, seeing what Seth is going through makes my problems seem so small.
I’m trying to decide which of the many good men I want to be with. He is trying to reconcile with the fact that he might die.
“It’s not dying I’m afraid of,” Seth says. “Though, I am afraid of it. It’s more not living up to my destiny. What was the point of being born with all this poison if I’m not able to help people? Deep down, I suspect all of us want to protect and be the heroes we were meant to be, but things just got in the way.”
“What happened that day?” I ask.
Seth lets out a deep sigh. “I guess you’re in too deep for me to hide it much longer. Besides, it will feel good to tell someone who has never heard. A confession, I suppose.”
I squeeze his hand. “I won’t judge you. No matter what.”
He raises an eyebrow at me and purses his perfect lips. “I’d love it if that were the case, but I doubt it will be.” He removes his hand from me and puts both behind his head.
It does look comfortable, but I get the distinct impression he doesn’t want to be touched while he talks about this. That it would only make him feel more vulnerable.
So I pull back but make sure to still give him my full attention.
“So… I guess that day I was looking forward to getting a partner,” Seth says. “But I was aware the other dragons were probably gonna screw things up.”
“Right,” I say. “Because dragons.”
“Because dragons,” he says with a grin. Then his eyes get tight again. “I suppose… I could have done more to try and stop them from fighting, but I was tired and already having a hard time keeping the poison inside. I was much younger then and
disturbed and—”
“Disturbed?”
He looks over at me. “It’s not much fun being raised as the black dragon. From a very young age, I was kept in solitude, not trusted because of my poison. Lee even came to visit me once, and I was excited because I wanted to see the dragon who would be my future partner. Who would heal me and who I could protect. But my ‘mentor’ sent him away.”
“I’m sorry,” I say sincerely, wanting to touch him again but not knowing if I should.
He shakes his head mildly, reading my thoughts. “Not yet. Anyway, I was glad to be out that day but nervous because I wasn’t used to controlling my poison. They kept these bands on me all the time instead of having someone teach me to control my emotions so the poison wouldn’t get out. They left me in that cell day after day, year after year, those bands barely containing my poison.
“I think by the time I went to the pairing ceremony, I was a little insane from isolation.”
“Anyone would be.”
“And not just the isolation, to be honest, but the visits…”
There’s suddenly a lump in my throat. “Visits?”
“The one person my ‘mentor’ let through to see me. The head elder.” Seth looks over at me again, and this time, his eyes appear vacant. “I suppose not everyone is afraid of the black dragon.”
I blink. “What do you mean?” My heart is pounding wildly in my chest now, and I don’t even know why.
“I told you I had sex with shifters here. For serum.”
I nod.
“Well, it wasn’t that foreign to me. Because when the elder visited me, he said I had an extra job.”
Seth is looking at the ceiling again, and I’m just trying not to cry.
“I’m only telling you all of this because it’s part of the whole story. How I injured Lee. How I killed his dragon.”
I nod, trying to keep my breathing regular since my throat is tight.
Seth keeps his eyes on the ceiling as he speaks to me. “Are you disgusted by me?”
“No,” I say, coming closer this time, curling up by his side. “Why would I be? That man was sick.”
Slowly, Seth lets his arm fall around me. “You’re so different from anyone I’ve met before. I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone about that man. If I had, I might not…”
“Not what?”
“I might not be here.”
“Why?”
Seth sucks in and then lets out a deep breath. “Because I killed him that day.”
I press my lips together. “I can’t say I’m sorry to hear that. Though, you never should have paid the price.”
Seth nods. “I should have. I still have no right to kill. But I saw him up there watching, looking so proud. The dragons were all fighting at that point, and my bands were burning my hands, the poison ready to erupt at any moment. And then I looked up and saw his face and just lost it.”
“Lost it?”
“Black dragon fire,” Seth says. “It burns and poisons. And it doesn’t stop once it finds a victim.”
“So how did it hit Lee?”
“Stupid Lee,” Seth says, though I can tell he doesn’t mean it. “He jumped in the way. Thought I was trying to hit a bunch of innocent people in the crowd. I’m still not sure if I would have. I didn’t want to hurt Lee. I know that.”
“But Lee didn’t die? And the elder did?”
“The oracle was there,” Seth says. “You’ve heard of her. In the other world, she sort of makes the rules for paranormals who mingle with humans.”
“Got it,” I say, wondering if I’ll ever get a chance to meet her.
“Honestly, you might since you’re cavorting with all of her least-favorite dragons.”
“But it was an accident,” I say. “Anyway, isn’t Lee the blue dragon? Aren’t dragons immortal?”
“Black dragon fire is one of the only things that kills them pretty easily, and my poison is stronger than any other black dragon known. We thought Lee was fine at first. The oracle brought back the head elder, but when she got to Lee, he was writhing on the ground again. That’s when we knew something was really wrong.”
“What happened?”
“The oracle said the fire wouldn’t stop and that the only way to save him was to separate him from his dragon. He took the fire in dragon form, and that’s what was burned. Since he took the majority of the blast, the oracle couldn’t heal him.”
“So he’s just a human now?”
“Sort of,” Seth says. “Though, he’s really only half of what he was. Some of the other dragons—I don’t know if it’s just to make me feel better—but they insist he got the best deal. Staying in the human world. Not banished. But I don’t know. If it were me, I’d go crazy if I lost my dragon. Even if I had a good life after that. It’s a part of my soul.”
“I understand,” I say. “I mean, I can’t all the way, obviously, but there are parts of yourself you can’t let go of and still feel whole.”
For me, it’s my ability to care for my sister. Even at the call center, people were like, “Move on with your life. Leave her behind and forget it. You have a life of your own.”
But I couldn’t. There would always be a hole in my heart.
Seth is looking at me. “Tell me more about your sister.”
I shrug. “I wasn’t trying to change the subject. I still want to hear about you.”
“Not much to say after that,” he says. “I was banished. I didn’t even get to apologize to Lee before I was sent here. I was angry at first, and then I realized I at least wasn’t stuck alone in a cell anymore. That no one had bands on me to ‘control’ my poison. And that the head elder could never visit me again.”
I nod, wanting to go hunt the guy and kill him with my own two hands.
“He’s already dead,” Seth says. “I heard from Rainier later. He died later that day by his own hand because he was ashamed that the dragons he’d overseen had failed so spectacularly.”
“I’m sure you aren’t sad about that,” I say.
Seth shook his head with a grin. “Not at all. Though, I don’t want you to think I’m dwelling on it. Really, so much was awful growing up that there’s no one thing that stands out to me. And sure, when I came to this world, people were cruel to me as well. They hated the way I smelled of fear and death. They hated my presence. But I lived all the same. I lived and flew and met other dragons and was finally… free.” There’s a blissful smile on his face for a moment. “So even the poison in me can’t really bother me because I probably have a better life than I deserved after what I did to Lee.”
“I’m sure he doesn’t blame you,” I say.
“I’m not sure,” Seth says. “Others have seen him, but I haven’t. He might hate me.”
“You said you didn’t want to know him.”
“I don’t,” Seth says. “And I know that might be cowardly, but I don’t want to know how I’ve ruined his life. I don’t want to know if he hates me. I don’t want to face what I did that day. It was an accident. Since then, I’ve tried to be better. But Lee is always on my mind in some way. That’s the only thing I regret about that day. I’m glad I flamed the elder, and I’m glad I was sent here instead of going back to that cell.”
I rest my hand on his chest, stroking lightly, while my brain tries to process everything he has said. “You know, I think you’re really amazing. And after hearing more, I’m only more impressed.”
His arm tightens around me, pulling me in against him, making me feel safe. “You’re so different from anyone I’ve met. Even the dragons still seem afraid of me sometimes. You come to me to feel safe.”
I nod.
“Why?”
“I guess because you’re a good person and it shows. And the self-control you exhibit is incredible. The way you manage to smile when things are so bad. I came to see you because I wanted to check on you, but honestly, I find your presence soothing. I don’t worry about poison or smell any dread. I just see my friend who manages t
o stay positive despite everything. You inspire me, I guess.”
He lets out a sigh, and I look up to see he’s blushing. It only makes him look prettier. “You inspire me, dragon heart. Because as much as I appreciate you trying to figure out what to do with pairing up with these dragons, I know it has to be hard.”
“It is,” I say with a groan. “Seth, I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“They do,” he says with a grin. “And I promise none of them will hold anything against you.”
“I know. It’s just that—”
“You don’t like hurting people,” he says.
I nod.
“Well, it’s simple,” Seth says. “You can’t worry about that. None of them want you to make a decision because of that. Dragons get feelings quick for the woman they want as mate, but it’s genuine. That means they want you to be happy. Even if it’s not with them.”
“I can’t imagine not being with any of them now that I know them.”
“I get it,” Seth says. “No, really, I do. I’ve gotten to know each of them pretty well separately. They all have good qualities and they’re all a little complicated, but they could get along a lot better than they think. It’s kind of nice to see, actually. At least with Griffin and Rainier. But honestly, I think they could get along with Van and Byron as well. I think perhaps, through all these years, what we really needed was each other. Even though we couldn’t connect.”
My mouth falls open because I can kind of see that. The way they’ve all been lonely. The way they overreact while suffering alone. The way Griffin has paired with Rainier and Byron has paired with Van. Honestly, I can even picture Byron and Griffin getting along.
But what if I end up pulling them all apart?
“You’re doing the exact opposite, dragon heart,” Seth says. “You’re forcing them to face each other.”
I put a hand up to my forehead. “I just don’t want anyone to get hurt. And I don’t want to hurt anyone.”
Seth watches me carefully. “I know. You’re the kindest person I’ve ever met. But you’re the one I’m worried about. You got in bed with the black dragon to feel safe. You worry about hurting immortal dragons who know damn well they are putting you in a difficult position. Whatever you decide, Anna, make sure it’s for you.”
Bad Dragons: Special Edition Complete Series Page 38