Alexander had a good laugh. A sincere, chortling, deep, male laugh, starting in his chest and infectiously ending in hers. Picking up the vodka bottle, he unscrewed the cap. “What should our toast be to?” he asked, raising the bottle. “It’s your birthday—we will drink to you. Here’s to next year’s birthday. Salut. I hope it’s a good one.”
“Thank you. I’ll drink a sip to that,” she said, taking the bottle from him. “I like to celebrate my birthday with Pasha by my side.”
Not responding to her comment, Alexander put the vodka away, looking at Saturn. “Another statue would have been better, don’t you agree?” he asked. “My food is getting stuck in my throat, watching Saturn devour one of his own children whole.”
“Where else would you have liked to sit?” asked Tatiana, sucking on a small piece of chocolate.
“I don’t know. Maybe near Mark Antony over there.” He looked around. “You think there is a statue of Aphro—”
“Can we go?” Tatiana said, suddenly rising. “I need to walk off all this food.” What was she doing here?
But as they strolled out of the park and to the river, Tatiana wanted to ask if he was ever called something other than Alexander. It was an inappropriate question, and she didn’t ask. A walk along the granite embankment on a vanishing evening would just have to be good enough. She could not also ask what endearing, affectionate name Alexander liked to be called by.
“Do you want to sit?” Alexander asked after a while.
“I’m fine,” Tatiana replied. “Unless you want to.”
“Yes, let’s sit.”
They sat on one of the benches overlooking the Neva. Across the river was the golden spire of Peter and Paul’s Cathedral. Alexander took up nearly half the seat, his long legs spread apart, his arms draped on the back of the bench. Tatiana gingerly perched down, careful not to let her leg touch his.
Alexander had a casual, unconcerned ease about himself. He moved, sat, rested, and draped as if he were completely unaware of the effect he was having on a timorous girl of barely seventeen. All his confident limbs projected a sanguine belief in his own place in the universe. This was all given to me, he seemed to say. My body, my face, my height, my strength. I did not ask for it, I did not make it, I did not build it. I did not fight for it. This is a gift, for which I say my daily thanks as I wash and comb my hair, a gift I do not abuse or think of again as I go through my day. I am not proud of it, nor am I humbled by it. It does not make me arrogant or vain, but neither does it make me falsely modest or meek.
I know what I am, Alexander said with every movement of his body.
Tatiana had forgotten to breathe. Taking a breath now, she turned to the Neva.
“I love looking at this river,” Alexander said quietly. “Especially during the white nights. We have nothing like this in America, you know.”
“Maybe in Alaska?”
“Maybe,” he said. “But this—the river gleaming, the city around its banks, the sun setting behind Leningrad University on the left, and rising in front of us on Peter and Paul’s . . .” Shaking his head, he stopped talking. They sat silently.
“How did Pushkin put it in ‘The Bronze Horseman’?” Alexander asked her. “And rather than let darkness smother . . . the lustrous heaven’s golden light . . .” He broke off. “I can’t remember the rest.”
Tatiana knew “The Bronze Horseman” practically by heart. She continued for him, “One twilight glow speeds on the other . . . to grant but half an hour to night.”
Alexander turned his head to look at Tatiana, who continued to look at the river.
“Tania . . . where did you get all those freckles?” he asked softly.
“I know, they’re so annoying. It’s the sun,” she replied, blushing and touching her face as if wanting to scrub off the freckles that covered the bridge of her nose and spread in sprinkles under her eyes. Please stop looking at me, she thought, afraid of his eyes and terrified of her own heart.
“What about your blonde hair?” he continued, just as softly. “Is that the sun, too?”
Tatiana became acutely aware of his arm behind her on the bench. If he wanted to, he could move his hand a few centimeters and touch the hair that fell down her back. He didn’t.
“White nights are something, don’t you think?” he said, not taking his gaze off her.
She muttered, “We make up for them with the Leningrad winter, though.”
“Yes, winter is not much fun around here.”
Tatiana said, “Sometimes in the winter, when the Neva freezes, we go sledding on the ice. Even in the dark. Under the fleeting northern lights.”
“You and who?”
“Pasha, me, our friends. Sometimes me and Dasha. But she’s much older. I don’t tag along with her too much.” Why did she say that about Dasha’s being much older? Was she trying to be mean? Shut up already, Tatiana said to herself.
“You must love her very much,” said Alexander.
What did he mean by that? She would rather not know.
“Are you as close to her as you are to Pasha?” he asked.
“Different. Pasha and I—” Tatiana broke off. She and Pasha ate out of the same bowl together. Dasha prepared and served them that bowl. “My sister and I share a bed. She tells me I can never get married because she doesn’t want my husband sleeping in bed with us.”
Their stares locked. Tatiana could not look away. She hoped he didn’t notice her crimson color in the golden sunlight.
“You’re too young to get married,” Alexander said quietly.
“I know,” Tatiana said, as always a little defensive about her age. “But I’m not too young.”
Too young for what? Tatiana wondered, and no sooner had she wondered than in a measured voice Alexander said, “Too young for what?”
The expression in his eyes was just too much for her. Too much on the Neva, too much in the Summer Garden, too much.
She didn’t know what to say. What would Dasha say? What would a grown-up say?
“Not too young to serve in the People’s Volunteers,” she finally said. “Maybe I can join? And you could train me?” She laughed and then lost herself in her embarrassment.
Unsmiling, Alexander flinched a little but said, “You are too young for even the People’s Volunteers. They won’t take you until—” He did not finish. And she felt his unfinished sentence but couldn’t grasp the meaning of the hesitation in his voice, nor of the palpitations of his lips. There was an indentation in the middle of his bottom lip, almost like a soft nesting crevice—
Suddenly Tatiana could not look at Alexander’s lips for a second longer while the two of them sat by the river in the sunlit night. She shot up from the bench. “I’d better be heading home. It’s getting late.”
“All right,” Alexander said, also standing, much more slowly. “It’s such a nice evening.”
“Yes,” she quietly agreed without looking at him. They started to walk along the river.
“Alexander, your America, do you miss it?”
“Yes.”
“Would you ever go back if you could?”
“I suppose,” he replied evenly.
“Could you?”
He looked at her. “How would I get there? Who would let me? What claim do I have on my American name?”
Tatiana had an urge to take his hand, to touch him, to ease him somehow. “Tell me something about America,” she asked. “Did you ever see an ocean?”
“Yes, the Atlantic, and it’s quite something.”
“Is it salty?”
“Yes, and cold and immense, and it’s got jellyfish and white sailboats.”
“I saw a jellyfish once. What color is the Atlantic?”
“Green.”
“Green like the trees?”
He looked around, at the Neva, at the trees, at her. “Green a little bit like the color of your eyes.”
“So kind of muddy, murky green?” Emotion was pressing hard on her chest, making it d
ifficult for her to breathe. I don’t need to breathe now, she thought. I’ve breathed all my life.
Alexander suggested walking back through the Summer Garden.
Tatiana agreed but then remembered the sinuous lovers. “Maybe we shouldn’t. Is there a quicker way?”
“No.”
The tall elms cast long shadows as the sun fell behind them.
They walked through the gate and down the narrow path between the statues.
“The park looks different at night,” she remarked.
“You’ve never been here at night?”
“No,” she admitted, quickly adding, “but I’ve been out at night in other places. Once I—”
Alexander leaned in to her. “Tania, you want to know something?”
“What?” she said, leaning away.
“The less you’ve been out at night, the better I like it.”
Speechless, she staggered ahead, looking at her feet.
He walked alongside, narrowing his soldier’s stride to stay by her. It was a warm night; her bare arms twice touched the rough material of his army shirt.
“This is the best time, Tatiana,” Alexander said. “Do you want to know why?”
“Please don’t tell me.”
“There will never be a time like this again. Never this simple, this uncomplicated.”
“You call this uncomplicated?” Tatiana shook her head.
“Of course.” Alexander paused. “We’re just friends, walking through Leningrad in the lucent dusk.”
They stopped at the Fontanka Bridge. “I’ve got duty at ten,” he said. “Otherwise I’d walk you home—”
“No, no. I’m going to be fine. Don’t worry. Thank you for dinner.”
Looking into Alexander’s face was not possible. Her saving grace was her height. Tatiana stared at his uniform buttons. She was not afraid of them.
He cleared his throat. “So tell me,” he asked, “what do they call you when they want to call you something other than Tania or Tatiana?”
Her heart jumped. “Who’s they?”
Alexander said nothing for what seemed like minutes.
Tatiana backed away from him, and when she was five meters away, she looked at his face. All she wanted to do was look into his wonderful face. “Sometimes,” she said, “they call me Tatia.”
He smiled.
The silences tormented her. What to do during them?
“You are very beautiful, Tatia,” said Alexander.
“Stop,” she said—inaudibly—as sensation left her legs.
He called after her, “If you wanted to, you could call me Shura.”
Shura! That’s a marvelous endearment. I would love to call you Shura, she wanted to tell him. “Who calls you Shura?”
“Nobody,” Alexander replied with a salute.
Tatiana didn’t just walk home. She flew. She grew brilliant red wings, and on them she sailed through the azure Leningrad sky. Closer to home, her heavy-with-guilt heart brought her down and the wings disappeared. She tied up her hair and made sure his books were at the very bottom of her bag. But she couldn’t go upstairs for a number of minutes as she stood against the wall of the building, clenching both fists to her chest.
Dasha was sitting at the dining table with—surprisingly—Dimitri.
“We’ve been waiting for you for three hours,” said Dasha petulantly. “Where have you been?”
Tatiana wondered if they could smell Alexander walking next to her through Leningrad. Did she smell of fragrant summer jasmine, of the warm sun on her bare forearms, of the vodka, of the caviar, of the chocolate? Could they see the extra freckles on the bridge of her nose? I’ve been walking under the lights of the North Pole. I’ve been walking and warming my face with the northern sun. Could they see it all in her exquisitely anguished eyes?
“I’m sorry you’ve been waiting. I work too late these days.”
“Are you hungry?” Dasha asked. “Babushka made cutlets and mashed potatoes. You must be starved. Have some.”
“I’m not hungry. I’m tired. Dima, will you excuse me?” said Tatiana, going to wash.
Dimitri stayed for another two hours. The grandparents wanted their room back at eleven, so Dimitri and Dasha and Tatiana went out onto the roof and sat until dusk fell after midnight, talking in the waning light. Tatiana couldn’t talk much. Dimitri was friendly and light on the tongue. He showed the girls blisters on his hands from digging trenches for two straight days. Tatiana would feel him glancing at her, seeking eye contact and smiling when he got it.
Dasha, said, “So tell me, Dima, are you very close to Alexander?”
“Yes, Alexander and I go back a very long way,” replied Dimitri. “We are like brothers.”
Tatiana, through her haze, blinked twice as her brain tried to focus on Dimitri’s words.
Dear God, Tatiana prayed in bed that night, turning to the wall and pulling the white sheet and the thin brown blanket over herself. If You are there somewhere, please teach me how to hide what I never knew how to show.
6
All Thursday long, as she worked on the flamethrowers, Tatiana thought about Alexander. And after work he was waiting for her. Tonight she didn’t ask why he had come. And he didn’t explain. He had no presents and no questions. He just came. They barely spoke; just their arms banged against each other, and once when the tram screeched to a stop, Tatiana fell into him, and he, his body unmoving, straightened her by placing his hand around her waist.
“Dasha talked me into coming by tonight,” he said quietly to Tatiana.
“Oh,” Tatiana said. “That’s fine. Of course. My parents will be glad to see you again. They were in a great mood this morning,” she continued. “Yesterday Mama got through to Pasha on the telephone, and apparently he is doing great—” She stopped talking. Suddenly she felt too sad to continue.
They walked as slowly as they could to tram Number 16 and stood silently, their arms pressed against each other, until it stopped at Grechesky Hospital.
“I’ll see you, Lieutenant.” She wanted to say Shura but could not.
“I’ll see you, Tatia,” said Alexander.
Later that night was the first time the four of them met at Fifth Soviet and all went out for a walk together. They bought ice cream, a milk shake, and a beer, and Dasha clung to Alexander’s arm like a barnacle. Tatiana maintained a polite distance from Dimitri, using every faculty in her meager possession of faculties not to watch Dasha clinging to Alexander. Tatiana was surprised at how profoundly unpleasant she found it to look at her sister touching him. Dasha going to see him in some nebulous, unimagined, unexplored Leningrad, unseen by Tatiana’s eyes, was infinitely preferable.
Alexander seemed as casual and content as any soldier would be with someone like Dasha on his arm. He barely glanced at Tatiana. How did Dasha and Alexander look together? Did they look right? Did they look more right than she and Alexander? She had no answers. She didn’t know how she looked when she was close to Alexander. She knew only how she was when she was close to Alexander.
“Tania!” Dimitri was talking to her.
“Sorry, Dima, what?” Why did he raise his voice?
“Tania, I was saying don’t you think Alexander should transfer me from the rifle guard division to somewhere else? Maybe with him to the motorized?”
“I guess. Is that possible? Don’t you have to know how to drive a tank or something in the motorized?”
Alexander smiled. Dimitri said nothing.
“Tania!” exclaimed Dasha. “What do you know about what you have to do in the motorized? Be quiet. Alex, are you going to be storming rivers and charging at the enemy?” She giggled.
“No,” said Dimitri. “First Alexander sends me. To make sure it’s safe. Then he goes himself. And gets another promotion. Right, Alexander?”
“Something like that, Dima,” Alexander said, walking beside him. “Though sometimes when I go myself, I also take you.”
Tatiana could barely listen. Wh
y was Dasha walking so close to him? And how could he go himself and take Dimitri with him? What did that mean?
“Tania!” Dimitri said. “Tania, are you listening to me?”
“Yes, of course,” she said. Why does he keep raising his voice?
“You seem distracted.”
“No, not at all. It’s a nice evening, isn’t it?”
“Do you want to take my arm? You look like you’re ready to fall down.”
Carelessly glancing at Tatiana, Dasha said, “Watch out, or any minute she is going to faint.”
That night when Tatiana got into bed, she pulled the blanket over her head, pretending to be asleep even when Dasha lay down next to her and whispered, “Tania, Tania, are you sleeping? Tania?” and nudged her lightly. Tatiana didn’t want to talk to Dasha in the dark, divulging confidences. She just wanted to say his name once out loud. Shura.
7
Friday at work Tatiana noticed that hardly anyone worthwhile was left at Kirov. Only the very young, like her, and the very old. The few men that remained were all over sixty or in management positions, or both.
In the first five days of war there had been suspiciously little news from the front. The radio announcers lauded wide-scale Soviet victories, while saying nothing at all of the German military power, nothing at all of the German position in the Soviet Union, nothing at all of danger to Leningrad or of evacuation. The radio was on all day as Tatiana filled her flamethrowers with thick petroleum and nitrocellulose, while through the open double doors the metal machine poured projectiles of different sizes onto the conveyor belt.
She heard clink, clink, clink from the metal rounds like the passing of seconds, and there were many seconds in her long day, and all she heard during them was clink, clink, clink.
And all Tatiana thought about was seven o’clock.
During lunch she heard on the radio that rationing might start next week. Also during lunch Krasenko told his waning staff that probably by Monday they were going to start military exercises, and that the working day was going to be extended until eight in the evening.
Before she left, Tatiana scrubbed her hands for ten minutes to get the petroleum smell out and failed. As she hurried out of the factory doors with Zina and made her way down the Kirov wall, she wanted to tell someone of her ambivalence and distress.
The Bronze Horseman Page 11