“You’re right, it was.” Tatiana wanted to jump down from the sill and go to him. She wanted to ride the tram, to sit on the bench, to sleep in a tent with him. She wanted to feel him next to her again. On her again. But what she said was, “Tell me, did you arrange for Dima to be in Leningrad every night? Because every night that he is here, he tries to take liberties with me.”
Alexander’s eyes flared. “He told me he had taken some.”
“Really?” Is that why Alexander had been so cold? “What did Dima say?” Tatiana was too tired to be angry at Dimitri. Alexander came closer. Just a little more, she thought, and I’ll be able to smell you.
“Never mind that,” said Alexander, sounding pained.
“And you thought he was telling the truth?”
“You tell me.”
“Alexander, you know what?” She swung her legs off the sill and put down her cup.
Alexander came closer. “No, what, Tatia?” he said softly.
Tatiana smelled his maleness, his shampoo, his soap. Wanly she smiled. Then her smile vanished. “Please,” she said, “do me a favor and stay away from me. All right?”
“I’m doing my level best,” he said, taking a step back.
“No,” Tatiana said, and broke off. “Why are you coming over?” she whispered. “Don’t continue with Dasha.” She sighed deeply. “Like after Kirov. Go ahead. Go fight your war. And take Dimitri. He won’t take no for an answer, and I’m getting sick and tired of all this.” Of all of you, she wanted to say but didn’t. “Soon I’m going to get tired of saying no to him,” Tatiana added for effect.
“Stop it,” Alexander said. “I can’t leave now. The Germans are too close. Your family is going to need me.” He paused. “You are going to need me.”
“I’m not. I’m going to be fine. Please, Alexander . . . this is just too hard for me. Can’t you see that? Say good-bye to Dasha, say good-bye to me, and take your Dimitri with you.” She paused. “Please, please, go away.”
“Tania,” Alexander said, nearly inaudibly, “how can I not come and see you?”
She blinked.
“Who is going to feed me, Tania?”
Tatiana blinked again. “Well, that’s fine,” she said, very upset. “I’ll be making dinner for you and having it off with your best friend while you’re knocking my sister. Did I get the terms right this time? That is perfect, isn’t it?”
Alexander turned on his heels and walked out.
The first thing Tatiana did when she woke up the next morning was go and see Vera at Grechesky Hospital. While Vera was looking at her ribs, Tatiana asked, “Vera, is there anything for me to do around here? Is there any job for me at the hospital maybe?”
Vera’s kind face studied her. “What’s the matter? You look so sad. Is it because of the leg?”
“No. I’m . . .” The kindness got to Tatiana, who nearly opened her mouth and poured her heartache on Vera’s bleached and unsuspecting head. Nearly. She got hold of herself. “I’m all right. Just can’t go anywhere. Bored to tears. I stay on the roof all night, looking for bombs. Tell me, is there anything for me to do?”
Vera remained thoughtful. “We could use a hand around here.”
Tatiana instantly perked up. “Doing what?”
“There is so much to do. You can sit behind the desk and do paperwork, or you can serve food in the cafeteria, or you can bandage wounds or take temperatures or, when you get better, maybe even learn nursing.”
Tatiana smiled broadly. “Vera, that’s fantastic!” Then she frowned. “But what will I do about Kirov? I’m supposed to go back and make tanks there as soon as my cast comes off. When is it coming off, by the way?”
“Tatiana! The front is at Kirov,” exclaimed Vera. “You’re not going to Kirov. You’re not that brave. They give you a rifle there now and train you in combat before you can continue to work. You got out just in time, you know. But here we’re always shorthanded. Too many people volunteer, and not enough of them come back.” She smiled. “Not everyone can be lucky like you, having an officer dig you out of the rubble.”
If Tatiana could have skipped home, she would have.
That night at dinner, barely able to contain her enthusiasm, Tatiana told her family she had found a job close to home.
“That’s right! Go to work,” said Papa. “Finally! You can eat lunch there instead of eating here.”
“Tania can’t go yet,” said Alexander. “Her leg will never heal, and she’ll limp for life.”
“Well, she can’t continue doing nothing and getting a dependent ration!” Papa exclaimed loudly. “We can’t feed her. At work I heard they’re about to lower rations again. It’s only going to get harder.”
“I’ll go to work, Papa,” said Tatiana, still cheerfully. “And I’ll eat less, all right?”
Alexander glared at her from across the table, stabbing the mashed potatoes with his fork.
Papa threw down his fork. “Tania, this is all your fault! You should have left with your grandparents! It would be easier on our food situation, and you wouldn’t be placing yourself in danger by remaining in Leningrad.” He shook his head. “You should have left with them.”
“Papa, what are you talking about?” asked Tatiana, not cheerfully and a notch louder than she ever spoke to her father. “You know I couldn’t have left with Deda because of my leg.” She frowned.
“All right, Tania,” said Dasha, putting her hand on Tatiana’s arm. “Stop it.”
Mama threw down her fork. “Tania! If you hadn’t gone and done something idiotic, you wouldn’t have a broken leg in the first place!”
Tatiana ripped her arm from under Dasha’s and turned to her mother. “Mama! Maybe if you hadn’t said you would rather I had died instead of Pasha, I wouldn’t have gone and tried to find him for you!”
Mama and Papa stared speechlessly at Tatiana, while everyone else in the room was mute as well. “I never said that!” Mama cried, standing up from the table. “Never.”
“Mama! I heard you.”
“Never!”
“I heard you! ‘Why couldn’t God have taken our Tania instead?’ You remember, Mama? Remember, Papa?”
“Tania, come on,” said Dasha in a trembling voice. “They didn’t mean it.”
“Come on, Tanechka,” said Dimitri, placing his hand on Tatiana. “Calm down.”
“Tatiana!” shouted Papa. “Don’t you dare talk that way to us when this whole thing has been your fault!”
Tatiana tried to take a deep breath, but she could not, and she could not calm down. “My fault?” she yelled to her father. “It’s your fault! You’re the one who sent Pasha to his death and then sat and did nothing at all to get him back—”
Papa shot up and hit her across the face so hard that she fell sideways from her chair.
Alexander shot up and shoved Tatiana’s father away. “No,” he said. “No.”
“Get out!” yelled Papa. “This is family business. Get the hell out!”
Alexander helped Tatiana to her feet. They stood between the couch and the dining table, close to Dasha, who was holding her shaking head in her hands. She wouldn’t get up. She and Dimitri continued to sit. Papa and Mama both stood next to each other and panted.
Tatiana’s nose was bleeding. But now Alexander was between her and her father. Pressing herself against Alexander and holding on to his sleeve, Tatiana shouted, “Papa, you can hit me all you want. You can kill me, too, if you like! It still won’t bring Pasha back. And nobody is leaving, because there is nowhere for us to go!”
Screaming, Papa went for her again but couldn’t get past Alexander. “No,” Alexander said, shaking his head, one of his arms extended behind him holding Tatiana, one of his arms in front of Papa.
A wailing Dasha finally stood up and rushed to her father, grabbing his arms. “Papochka, Papochka, don’t, please.” Whirling to Tatiana, Dasha cried, “Look what you’ve done!” And tried to get around Alexander, who stopped her.
“
What are you doing?” he asked quietly.
Uncomprehending, Dasha stared at him. “What, you’re defending her still? Look what she’s done!”
Mama was crying. Papa was still screaming, red in the face. Dimitri continued to stare into his plate. Tatiana was behind Alexander as he and Dasha squared off. “Stop it,” he said. “She hasn’t done anything. All of you, stop it. Maybe if you had listened to her back in June when you could have gotten Pasha out, you wouldn’t all be standing here fighting each other, and your son and brother might still be alive. Now it’s too late. But now you keep your hands off her.”
Turning to Tatiana, Alexander asked, “Are you all right?” Taking a napkin off the table, he handed it to her and said, “Hold the bridge of your nose to stop the bleeding. Go on. Quick.”
Then he faced Tatiana’s father. “Georgi Vasilievich,” said Alexander, “I understand you were trying to save your son.” He paused. “Believe me, I know what you were doing. But don’t take it out on Tania.”
Papa threw down his vodka glass, cursed, and stumbled into the next room. Mama followed him, slamming the door behind her. Tatiana heard Mama’s sobs. “It’s always like this,” she said unsteadily. “She cries, and someone goes in to apologize. Usually it’s me.”
Dasha was still standing glaring at Alexander. “I cannot believe,” she said, “that you just sided with her against me.”
“Don’t give me that shit, Dasha,” Alexander said loudly. “You think I sided against you because I wouldn’t let you hit your little sister who has a broken leg? Why don’t you pick on someone your own size? Or why don’t you hit me? I know why,” Alexander went on angrily. “Because you’d only be able to do it once.”
“You’re right,” Dasha said, and tried to slap him.
He grabbed her hand, pushing it hard away. “You’re out of control, Dasha,” he said. “And I’m leaving.”
Dimitri, who hadn’t said a word, sighed, stood and left with Alexander.
As soon as they were out the door, Dasha went for Tatiana, who couldn’t stand and fell onto the dining table, right against the mashed potatoes she had made an hour ago.
“Now look what you’ve done!” Dasha yelled. “Look what you’ve done!”
The door swung open, and Alexander came through. Grabbing Dasha by the arm and yanking her away from Tatiana, he said, “Tania, can you give us a minute, please?”
Tatiana went out, shutting the door behind herself, still holding the napkin to her nose.
She heard Alexander shouting and then Dasha shouting.
She and Dimitri stood in the hallway and looked at each other dumbly. Shrugging, Dimitri said, “He’s like that. He’s got that foundling temper.”
Tatiana wanted to say that she had never seen him lose it before tonight but remained silent, trying to listen. Dimitri said, “He needs to stay out of it and let the family take care of its own business. Don’t you think? Tomorrow it will all be better.”
Tatiana said, “Reminds me of that old joke: ‘Vasili, why do you beat me all the time? I haven’t done anything wrong.’ And Vasili replies, ‘You should be thankful. If I knew what you were doing, I’d kill you.’ ”
Dimitri laughed as if that were the funniest thing he had heard all day.
She heard Alexander’s voice from inside the room. “Can’t you see?” he was yelling at Dasha. “She isn’t driving me away, you are—by your behavior. How do you think I can ever take your side when you hit your sister?”
Dasha said something.
“Dasha, don’t give me your stupid apologies. I don’t need them.” Pause. “I can’t continue, no.”
From inside the door Tatiana heard hysterical sobbing. “Please, Alex, please don’t go, please, I’m sorry, you’re right, my love, you’re right. Please don’t go. What can I do? Do you want me to apologize to her?”
“Dasha, if you touch your sister again, I will finish with you instantly,” Tatiana heard Alexander say. “Do you understand?”
“I will never hit her again,” Dasha promised.
Silence from the room.
Tatiana was dumbstruck.
Not knowing where to look, she wiped her bleeding nose and looked at Dimitri, shrugging her shoulders. “Can’t have a moment alone even to fight,” she said. “Well, at least that worked out.” Her body began to slide down.
Dimitri picked her up, sat her on the sofa in the hallway, and wiped her face, patting her back. “Are you all right?” he kept saying.
The Sarkovs knocked on their hall door, also wanting to know if everything was all right. One fight in the communal apartment and everyone knew. Everyone heard. Everything.
“It’s great,” said Tatiana. “Just a little argument. Everything is fine.”
Summarily, Dasha walked out of the room and apologized sullenly to Tatiana. She went back inside to be with Alexander and closed the door. Tatiana asked Dimitri to go and then limped upstairs to the roof, where she sat and prayed for a bomb.
She saw Alexander walk out of the stairwell doors and come toward her. Tatiana was sitting talking to Anton, and though her heart had skipped a beat, she didn’t acknowledge him. Her hands were in Anton’s hands. Anton nudged her and stopped talking. Sighing, Tatiana turned to Alexander. “What?” she said unhappily.
“Give me your hand,” he whispered.
“No.”
“Give me your hand.”
Loudly she said, “Anton, you remember Dasha’s Alexander? Shake hands, why don’t you?”
Anton let go of Tatiana and shook hands with Alexander, who said, “Anton, will you excuse us for a moment?”
Reluctantly Anton scooted away on his haunches, still staying close enough to overhear.
“Let’s move away from him,” Alexander said to Tatiana.
“It’s hard for me to move around so much. I’m fine right here.”
Without arguing further, Alexander picked Tatiana up and walked a few steps away to set her down in the corner of the roof where there was no Anton and no Mariska—the seven-year-old girl who practically lived on the roof because her parents were drunk down on the second floor.
“Give me your hands, Tania.”
Unwillingly Tatiana complied. Her hands were shaking. “Are you all right?” he asked quietly. “Does this happen often?”
“I’m fine. It happens every once in a while.” She shook her head, “Why?”
“I will never let anyone hurt you,” he said.
“But what good is it? Now they’re all angry at me. You’ve just had a bit of Dasha, you’re going to leave, but I’m still here, in that bed, in that room, in that hallway. I’m still the trash.”
His face was full of pity and feeling. “I haven’t had a bit of Dasha. I will not let them hurt you. I don’t give a shit if Dasha finds out about us, or if Dimitri—” He broke off. Tatiana strained to listen. “I don’t give a shit if I expose us to all the world. I will not let anyone hurt you.” He paused, peering into her face. “And you know it. So if you don’t want to see me hang, or ruin your plans to spare Dasha from the truth, I suggest you be more careful around people who might hit you.”
“Where do you come from?” she asked. “Do they not do this in your America? Here in Russia, parents hit their children, and the children take it. Big sisters hit their little sisters, and the little sisters take it. That’s just how it is.”
“I understand,” Alexander said. “But you’re too small to let anyone hit you. Plus, he is drinking too much. It makes him more volatile. You must be more careful around him.”
His hands were soothing and warm. Tatiana half-closed her eyes, imagining only one thing. Her mouth parted in a silent moan.
“Babe, don’t do that,” Alexander said, his hands holding hers tighter.
“Shura, I’m lost,” said Tatiana. “I don’t know what to do. I’m completely lost.”
Suddenly she pulled her hands away and with her eyes motioned behind him. Dasha was coming toward them from the stairwell.
/> She stopped near them and said, “I came to see my sister.” She looked from Alexander to Tatiana. “I didn’t know you were still here. You said you had to go.”
“I did have to go,” Alexander said, standing up. He gave Dasha a quick peck. “I’ll see you in a few days, and you, Tania, go and get your nose looked at. Make sure it’s not broken.”
Tatiana was barely able to nod.
After he left, Dasha sat next to her. “What did he want?”
“Nothing. He wanted to see if I was all right.” In that instant something overcame Tatiana, and before she opened her mouth and told Dasha everything, she said, “You know what, Dasha? You’re my older sister and I love you, and I’m going to be all right tomorrow, but right now you’re the last person I want to talk to. I realize I do it too often—bow to you when you want me to talk, or to go away, or whatever. Well, tomorrow I will bow to you again, but right now I don’t want to talk to you. I just want to sit here and think.” Tatiana paused and said pointedly, “So please, Dasha, go away.”
Dasha didn’t move. “Look, I’m sorry, Tania, I really am. But you shouldn’t have said what you said to Papa and Mama. You know how broken up they are about Pasha. You know they already blame themselves.”
“Dasha, I don’t want to hear your backhanded apology!”
“What’s gotten into you?” asked Dasha. “You never talked that way before. To anyone.”
“Please, Dasha, please. Go away.”
Tatiana sat on the roof until morning, wrapped in the old cardigan, her legs cold, her face cold.
She was stunned by her unwavering intimacy with Alexander. Though they hadn’t spoken much, though he had been cool to her, though the last words they had exchanged were bitter, she had no doubt as she laid into her mother and father that if she needed defending, the man who went to find her at Luga would stand up for her. That conviction had given her the strength to yell at Papa, to say the insulting thing to him, no matter how true it was. No matter how much she had wanted to say it, she never would have dared had she not felt Alexander’s strength.
And when Tatiana stood behind him, she felt even braver, not caring for her bleeding nose, for her throbbing ribs. She knew he would not let even Dasha hurt her; she knew this as she knew her own heart, and that knowledge in the dark of night suddenly made her at peace with herself, at peace with her life, and at peace even with Dasha.
The Bronze Horseman Page 26