by Margaret Kay
He found Lassiter in his office seated at his desk. “I want to grab a cup of coffee,” Doc said.
Lassiter rose and followed Doc into his kitchen. He grabbed himself a water bottle. He had hopes of grabbing a few hours’ sleep on his couch after talking with Doc. Cooper had sent a detailed report via email after texting Lassiter to request his presence upon their return.
Before Doc’s cup even finished brewing, Lassiter began. “So, what happened? Why am I here?”
“Our victim was an ass. I said some things Cooper took exception to.”
“He was the victim, the one you went into rescue.”
“That arrogant fucking douchebag deserved my harsh words. It could have been worse; he could have been removing my size eleven from up his ass.”
“Cooper reports you raised a fist. He said Jackson restrained you.”
“I wasn’t going to hit the rich pretty-boy. I wanted him to know he was out of line though, put a little fear into him.”
“He’d been kidnapped. You don’t think that put fear into him?”
“Not the way he was acting,” Doc replied.
“And how was that?”
“That we were obviously beneath him, so it was okay the team risked their lives to save his sorry ass. Never mind we killed four men to rescue him. It was just our jobs, according to Mr. Silver-Spoon.”
Lassiter decided it was time he changed the subject. “So, he wasn’t grateful, like Elizabeth had been. You still have to answer for that, you know. What did you feel when you sent her away? And don’t tell me nothing.”
“Joe, I felt bad. I hurt her. I admit that. I just felt I had to make it clear we had no relationship.”
Lassiter stared intently at Doc, waiting for more. When Doc didn’t continue, he broke the silence. “So, those vows you exchanged with her meant nothing to you?”
Doc let out a loud, measured breath. “At the risk of sounding like a complete prick, no, didn’t mean a damn thing.”
Lassiter stared in silence at Doc longer, trying to evaluate if he was telling the truth. He could usually tell. Maybe it was that Doc was being honest, and he just didn’t want to believe it. Or maybe, Doc was already burying his feelings regarding it.
“She’s a nice kid, but she’s just a kid, and don’t give me any shit about her age. That’s not what I mean when I say she’s a kid. It’s her experience level.”
“You don’t think serving in a place like Somalia has given her more experience in life than most others her age?”
“In some ways, but not in others. Look Joe, she only earned her CNA, and she was doing surgery over there, attempting things vastly outside of her training.” He paused, shook his head, and muttered a few more curses. “When I first saw the condition of the one boy’s chest, I thought my head would explode. But she did whatever she could do to save lives. I respect that. Then she opens her mouth and she’s like, oh golly shucks mister, I’ve never done more than hold a boy’s hand and get a kiss on the cheek, now please make love to me so I know a lover’s touch before I know abuse. What the hell was I supposed to do with that?”
Joe’s lips pulled into a grin. He knew there weren’t many people outside of the team that Doc would say he respected. He wouldn’t point that out though. “Seems to me you decided to make love to her. That’s what went down, wasn’t it?”
“You know I wrestled with that one. I didn’t just say, yeah, great, let’s fuck.”
“So, it wasn’t the act that messed with your head as much as the vows you exchanged?”
Doc grabbed his head and growled. “It was all of it, the whole fucked up situation. I know those vows meant everything to her, were the only way she could have sex so it wouldn’t be a sin in God’s eyes. You can take the girl out of the convent, but you can’t take the convent out of the girl. We were both one hundred percent sure we were going to be tortured and killed. How could I say no to her?”
“Saying no under those circumstances would have been what a complete prick would have done. You met her needs on her terms to help her come to grips with what was sure to be a very unpleasant end of her life. There is nothing in that to be beating yourself up over. So, the real question then, is why are you?”
Doc shook his head. “When we were flying out of there, after our release, I held her in my arms, and she stared at me with puppy-dog eyes. I know I was in shock that we were walking away alive. I can’t even imagine what she was feeling. But in that moment, I knew I had to make sure she realized we didn’t have any future. There was no relationship.”
“You thought about pushing her away in that moment, when you were evacuated? Your first thought while holding this woman whose virginity you had taken, who you had made love to just a few hours earlier, was to make it damn clear to her that you had no relationship?”
“Pretty damn cold, don’t you think?” Doc asked.
“I’m wondering which one of you it was, that you were so hell-bent on convincing, her or yourself?”
“I was clear in my thinking. She had to know those vows were only because we were going to die.”
“I remember that moment when I accepted that I was going to die,” Lassiter said. “I almost welcomed it at that point. Accepting that changes a man. That’s why I let you have your two weeks without talking with me.”
Doc knew of Joe Lassiter’s past, his capture, torture, rape, and near death at the hands of enemy insurgents in Afghanistan. He lost his leg to an infection that could have been treated if he’d been rescued sooner. He knew how many years it took Lassiter to recover physically and how many more years it took him to get over the psychological scars that the ordeal left on him. Joe spoke from a place of experience, of understanding. Doc respected that.
“And I appreciated it, if I said so or not. I know I don’t feel the same about some things as I did before, like rescuing ungrateful, arrogant bastards.”
“And if he’d been another Elizabeth, innocent and thankful, would that have been different?”
“Yeah, those are the people I do this job for, otherwise it sure as hell wouldn’t be worth it.”
“You’ve been doing this for a long time, on both active duty and for Shepherd Security. Maybe it’s time for a break?” Lassiter suggested, watching Doc very carefully for his reaction. It wasn’t what he expected.
“Is that what you think? That I need a break?” Doc demanded. “Are you going to fucking bench me, Lassiter?”
“No, I definitely think you need to work. Another leave of absence would do you no good. At some point you need to decide for yourself though if this job is worth it to you, regardless of the people you think you’re doing it for. If you’re not doing it for yourself, that’s when it’s time to hang it up.”
Doc froze and stared at Joe Lassiter like he had two heads. He hadn’t thought about who he did the job for in a very long time. The truth was, he didn’t know anymore. He hadn’t questioned it before Africa. It was his job, his life, what defined him, regardless who the target was or who they were rescuing.
The brotherhood he shared with his teammates sustained him. Shepherd’s approach to the job, what he focused on, how he supported the team were a huge part of why he was here. But since he had accepted, truly accepted he was going to die in one of the most unpleasant ways, none of it crept into his consciousness or if it did, it didn’t matter.
Doc rubbed his forehead. “My teammates have always been my family. We share a common purpose, a common experience. We did until Africa. I feel different now, have experienced something I don’t think many of them have. I’ve never asked Garcia if while under as Razor, either time, he was sure he would die. Or Miller, while she was out and unprotected after her covert base of operations was hit, I don’t know if she felt like I do.”
“But I did,” Lassiter said. “I know what you’re feeling. I was there. I’m pretty sure Shepherd and Angel felt sure they would be killed, accepted it. Isn’t that enough?”
Doc shook his head. He hadn’
t even thought of Shepherd and Angel or what they had gone through. “I guess it should be. It sets me apart from my team though, the members of Alpha.”
“Until one of them go through it at the same level you did. Then they won’t feel set apart. They will have commonality with you.”
“Do you really think another member may be in a spot that they truly accept it’s going to be their end?”
“I think if a man does the job long enough, then yes, he will face and accept his death is imminent like we have. He may not make it out alive like we did though. I’d say we were both damn lucky,” Lassiter said.
Doc knew he was right. They were alive, they were more than lucky. “Why does everything feel so different now?” Doc asked after a long silence. “Why don’t I feel alive?”
“You feel disconnected, separate,” Lassiter stated.
Doc nodded.
Lassiter knew Doc had finally turned a corner. The path back would show itself to Doc, but he would need to be patient with himself. It wouldn’t be an overnight fix. “It takes time, Doc. You accepted you were going to die, now you need to remember how to live.”
Doc laughed a sick sound. “It shouldn’t be this way.”
“Give it time.”
Juliette
The weeks passed. Another mission came and went. Doc found himself sitting in Lassiter’s kitchen again. He’d really thought he’d watched his P’s and Q’s this time. Cooper didn’t agree. Doc couldn’t help but chuckle a sarcastic laugh when Lassiter asked him, “what happened this time?”
“I really don’t know why I’m here this time, Joe,” Doc said. “I didn’t threaten anyone. I did my job. I even had a beer with the team after, on the flight home.”
Joe Lassiter ran his hand through his hair. Then he rubbed his chin. “Do you think you engaged with your team? And don’t give me this bullshit you had a beer with them. Did you say two words to anyone outside of discussing the mission or through your comms coordinating movements? During that beer, tell me one thing anyone said.”
Doc rubbed his eyes and gripped the bridge of his nose, as if either movement would make him recall words he hadn’t listened to. “Jackson told us the new sounds Sammy is babbling.” It was a guess. Jackson always told them every new sound or action baby Sammy did.
“What sound was it?”
“How the fuck am I supposed to remember? It’s a new babble every day.”
“And Cooper? What did he share with the team on that flight?”
Doc breathed out a heavy sigh. “I have no fucking clue, to any of it. So, don’t ask me about Garcia or Madison. If either said anything, I sure as shit don’t know what they said.”
“You need to actively engage, Doc. It’s like a muscle. If you don’t use it, it won’t strengthen.”
“I know you said it would take time, but I’m done with this shit. Maybe this is the new me. Maybe I don’t need to strengthen anything. People change all the time. Maybe I’ll change back, maybe I won’t. I can’t be anyone other than who I am, and this is who I feel like now.” Doc shot to his feet. He stormed out of the room. He was pretty sure Lassiter would give him a day or two reprieve, but that was it.
Four days later Doc found himself in a meeting with Shepherd, Cooper, and Lassiter. He was sure he was going to be fired. Shepherd glared at him from across his desk. Cooper stood beside Shepherd; his arms folded over his chest. Lassiter sat beside him, but he didn’t look any friendlier than Shepherd or Cooper.
“Our mental health protocols are in place for good reason, Doc,” Shepherd said. “It’s been over two months since the Op in Africa.”
“I don’t see much difference in you,” Cooper said. “You’ve been a royal pain in the ass since we plucked you and Sister Elizabeth out of that valley. Did the heat out there do irreparable damage to your head?”
Doc felt his lips twist into the granddaddy of all smirks. He wanted to tell them all to go fuck themselves. “I do my job. What’s the damned problem?”
“They call it a team for a reason. You haven’t come to one out of the office thing, no football games, no poker nights, not even Thanksgiving dinner at Angel and Jackson’s. Christmas is a few days away. Will you be around for our office Christmas Party?” Cooper blasted him.
“I’ve never missed Christmas with the team when we aren’t working. I’ll be there. I already told Angel to count me in.”
“I’m more concerned with your conduct when you are with the team. Cooper tell Doc what you told me you wanted him to know,” Lassiter prompted.
“When you’re with the team, like on this last mission, you’re like a damned robot,” Cooper said.
“When’s the last time you worked out in the gym?” Shepherd asked without missing a beat. He already knew the answer. Before Africa. “And remember, I see all the logs. If it were any other team member, you’d be all over his ass for not engaging in PT for over two months.”
Doc huffed out a sigh. “I know. I’m still working on being back.” He glanced sideways at Lassiter. He knew Lassiter would never disclose what was weighing on him, why he was still having issues. He both appreciated that and hated Lassiter for it. If Lassiter had told Shepherd and Cooper, he was sure he would be granted more leeway.
“And you didn’t complete your last post-mission eval with Lassiter,” Shepherd said, pointing to Joe. “You walked out on him, what, four days ago?”
“He never called me back for another meeting.”
Joe Lassiter laughed. “You know the protocol. Coming back was on you. You’re the one who walked out on me.”
Doc nodded. “I know.” He faced Lassiter. “I’m sorry, Joe. This afternoon. I’ll be into see you this afternoon.”
“You’d better. Alpha Team has another mission just after the New Year and you’re not going if Lassiter doesn’t clear you. We’ll bring the Undertaker or Powder in to have a medic. You need to decide if you want this job, Doc, because from where I’m sitting, I can’t tell.”
Shepherd’s words cut deep. He’d always considered Shepherd a friend as well as a boss. They had a different relationship than Shepherd had with most of the other men, except maybe Cooper and Lassiter. Even now, Doc felt like an outsider. When would this get easier? When would he feel like himself again? “I want this job, Shep. I just need a little more time to get my head on straight.”
Shepherd’s eyes flickered to Lassiter. Damn the good doctor for not sharing details. Shepherd had no idea what the issue was, so he had no idea if more time should be granted or not. Then his eyes went to Doc. “Your team leaves on its next mission January fourth. Get your head on straight by then or notify me that we need to fill your spot with another medic. Something’s got to give, Doc.”
Doc nodded. He knew Shepherd was right.
“Do you want to take leave and go home to your family over the Christmas holiday?” Shepherd asked.
Doc winced. Fuck, if that wouldn’t make it worse. Houston was the last place he needed to be. His eyes went to Lassiter. “No, I need to be here with the team. I’ll pull it together, Shepherd. I want this job.”
Shepherd nodded, his eyes going back and forth between Doc and Lassiter. “Resolve this, gentlemen.”
Doc and Lassiter rose. They’d just been dismissed.
“I have time now,” Lassiter offered.
“Yeah,” Doc agreed. He followed Lassiter down the flight of stairs to four.
After Doc and Lassiter left, Cooper wandered around the room. “I have to say, if it were anyone other than Doc, I’d say fire him. I just don’t know what could have gone down that caused this. Doc is so damn, un-Doc-like.”
Shepherd stared hard at Cooper. “So, you have no idea either?”
“No,” Cooper said, shaking his head. “All that Lassiter gave me was that issues from Doc’s past that he thought had been dealt with have resurfaced. I don’t know what the fuck that’s about.”
“And no one on the team has asked him?” Shepherd said as more of a suggestion.
“I’d normally say whatever transpires between Lassiter and one of the men is off limits, but in this situation,” Shepherd paused and shook his head.
“I say we give Lassiter and Doc the two weeks to work it out. I’ll want Sloan on standby for the next mission. Maybe benching Doc will be enough to force him to resolve it, whatever it is.”
“Yeah,” Shepherd agreed.
Elizabeth checked her mail slot, thrilled to see an envelope in it. She recognized the perfect handwriting that addressed it to her. Her smile spread on her face. She’d been waiting anxiously for this letter for a month. She charged up the narrow staircase and hurried down the dark hallway. “Merry Christmas,” she greeted the many she passed. “You are coming to the sanctuary for the service later this evening, aren’t you?” She asked each.