Changed

by Jean Booth

  My voice was stronger than I felt. I’d never stood up to a deity before. Poseidon saw my resolve etched in every fiber of my being. If Raif had to die, he wouldn’t be alone. He gave an almost imperceptible nod in Atreyu’s direction.

  “Your sacrifice for our people will not be forgotten.” Poseidon’s soft words rumbled throughout the temple like thunder before a storm.

  I could only nod in assent, hoping that nod meant Raif would be taken out of stasis and I’d get to say goodbye. My stomach had resumed its churning. I was terrified to see Raif, scared he’d toss me aside, scared he wouldn’t and I’d have to watch him die. I didn’t know what to do now.

  On shaking legs, I forced myself up the three steps to Raif. I was finally going to see him, only to say goodbye. Seeing him lying there, so still and perfect, I didn’t think I could just stand aside and watch him die.

  My hand shook visibly as I reached out to his face. His chiseled features were as soft as I remembered. I brushed his silken hair away from his cheeks, my fingers searching and memorizing every part of it.

  His eyes fluttered open, revealing the impossible teal I’d missed so much. I fell on him, clinging to his chest, wiggling against his body. I needed to be as close as possible to him after months of separation. I was grateful he was still alive, even if only for a few more moments. His arms wrapped tightly around me, crushing me against his chest. I could have stayed in his embrace for eternity.

  “Natasha, what are you doing here?” he choked out.

  “Saying goodbye. You should’ve told me. I wouldn’t have been okay with it, but you should’ve told me anyway.” I leaned slightly back so I could see his face, still cradled in his arms.

  “I couldn’t figure out how. This must be done. I hope that in time you can understand and forgive me. I love you, Amada.” He brushed his hand from the top of my head down my back as he talked. His eyes filled with tears. “I’d forgotten how wonderful you are. Seeing you again makes this task impossible.”

  “Raif, I do understand. I won’t stop you, no matter how much I want to, if this is what you want. I wanted to hold you and say goodbye, so you knew you weren’t alone and that I love you.” My voice cracked with the pain in my heart. I leaned down and kissed his lips. It was a very soft, chaste, undemanding kiss that instantly set me on fire. He crushed me to him, groaning as he deepened the kiss to something that would have led to greater satisfaction had we not been interrupted by Poseidon’s polite cough.

  “It’s time,” I whispered, unable to speak louder past the lump in my throat. “Do you want Atreyu to put you under again?” I was suddenly grateful I couldn’t cry, that he’d remember me as strong in these last moments.

  He shook his head. “No, Amada.” I want to feel you in my arms till the end.” Tears snaked from his eyes and ran into his hair. He would shed tears for us both. I curled into the crook of his arm and caressed his face as Poseidon came closer.

  “I love you.”

  “Ata o dus eu te amo,” he whispered. “I will love you for all of eternity.” My throat closed even tighter as my body begged to weep and scream its denial.

  Poseidon lifted his trident in the air and brought it down to Raif’s chest. Other than a tightening of his hand in mine, Raif didn’t move a muscle. I knew it hurt. I felt his pain.

  “You are so brave.” My voice was thick.

  Poseidon pulled the trident out of Raif’s chest without a sound. Blood started seeping out of the wounds, soaking me and cascading off the alter, taking his life with it. I held him close to me as the blood poured from the wounds. He looked at me with tears in his eyes.

  “Amada, my only regret is that I didn’t have more time with you. I love you.” His words were thick and filled with pain. I placed my fingers on his lips.

  “Shh, baby, I know. I love you so much. What can I do?” I gently draped my arm across his chest, holding him as tightly as his wounds would allow. I wished I could cry for him; he deserved my tears.

  “Talk to me. Hold me. I want to hear your voice.” His breath was labored. I knew he didn’t have long now.

  I knew he could feel my pain, my love for him, as I could feel his for me. My mind was a blank. What do you say to someone as they bleed to death in your arms? I did the only thing I could think of as I held him tightly in my embrace. I told him a story as I used to with Ashlyn.

  “Once upon a time, there was a soul. It was happy and content to play in the water’s spray, reflecting light into rainbows. It had never known pain or sadness—only joy and contentment. This soul was pure, innocent, and full of love.” My voice cracked as I whispered the words. He interrupted me before I could finish.

  “Do you really believe that we’ll be whole in the Summerlands? That we’ll be together again, as two complete beings?” I could barely hear him. His voice was a whisper on the wind.

  “Yes,” I whispered back. “We were meant to be as the Creator made us. We’ll be together again, whole and perfect, but different from what we started out as. We’ll know heartbreak like no other soul before us, and because of that, we’ll know love more deeply and profoundly than any that have lived before. We’ll be more than when we began and be better for it.” His eyelids fluttered closed, and he smiled as he went limp in my arms.

  “Raif? Raif? No. Not yet. No!” I screamed in agony, sobbing uncontrollably as I clutched him tightly to me, refusing to let him go. I kissed his lips in denial, desperately holding on to hope.

  Strong arms lifted my blood-soaked body from the alter, forcing me to release my hold on Raif. I was weak, sobs wracking my body. I cursed the man who held me, cursed his lineage for putting us in this situation. I begged for Raif to wake, pleaded to wake from this nightmare.

  Staring at his body, I knew I’d give anything for him to live again. I wept, the lines of his body forever burned into my memory as the one who had murdered my soul carried me away.

  Poseidon carried me to a fountain in the corner of the room. He walked through it with me cradled in his arms. I vaguely remembered being placed into Stephan’s outstretched arms and hearing Poseidon’s rumbling voice telling him to protect me.

  Stephan clutched me close to him, and I sobbed even harder. He carried me to his room and placed me on the bed, curling around my body. I don’t know how long I wept. It felt like days but was probably only minutes. It was by far the worst day of my life. But not, I’d come to find out, the most painful.

  There are three occasions in my short life that I would remember as the most painful experiences I’d ever had to endure. The first was when I was with Nicholas, being ineffectively cleansed of my mating bond. The second was the emotional pain of losing Raif on the altar. The third, which was by far the most painful, was when I became complete.

  I’d cocooned myself in Stephan’s room for three days, only leaving the makeshift comfort of his bed to use the bathroom. I couldn’t eat, and he didn’t force me to. He stayed glued to my side every minute of the day. I couldn’t have cared less. He could’ve left me alone with Nicholas’s tender mercies, and I wouldn’t have cared. I understood in those three days why mates died together. I craved death, an end to my suffering. I had nothing to hold me to this earth. A vast emptiness engulfed my very soul.

  When I slept, I had nightmares of Raif. I’d be running in the Everglades, desperately trying to find him. Yet each time I did, he was a cold, lifeless shell of a man. Each time, I woke screaming in pain.

  By the evening of the third day, the heart-wrenching loneliness and despair had dissipated into nothing. I was numb. I knew this was better than the pain but couldn’t bring myself to care. I couldn’t laugh, or cry, or feel anger. I was a hollow core of nothingness. I almost preferred the debilitating depression to the emptiness. I felt like my heart had gone to the void and was simply waiting for my body to join it. Stephan noticed the change in me and closed the club.

  “Tasha,” he whispered against my cheek. “Miña mascota, please be strong. The healers are here, as am I. P
lease don’t leave me.”

  I’m not sure he meant to say the last, but it made the numbness bearable. My brain recognized his closing of the club as important. He never closed. It was a safe house above all else, a sanctuary for those who needed it. Closing the club was eliminating the only haven in this state. I didn’t care.

  I curled up into a ball on Stephan’s bed, comfortable in my cocoon of emptiness. Dozing off to the silence of the club that matched the silence inside me, I was as content as I could be while Stephan sat in one of his chairs, watching over me. I wasn’t peaceful or disturbed; I simply existed.

  Out of nowhere, the pain ripped through my heart, expanding to touch every cell in my body. A scream escaped as my body contracted in on itself. Sweat poured from me as I writhed in agony. I gagged on blood. My spine bowed until my feet touched my scalp, and I continued to scream. The pain was unlike anything I’d ever felt before.

  Blood curdling screams of pain and terror ripped from my throat. I was burning from the inside out as someone sliced me to bits, yet I was completely alone in Stephan’s bed. Stephan stood by, helpless as the transformation took me. The healers looked on from the doorway, none truly knowing what to do.

  My vision turned a pink-tinted, watery blur as my eyes cried blood. What had started out as sweat quickly turned into blood seeping through my pores. I couldn’t think or feel anything past the agonizing pain. His sheets were soaked with my essence. My screams were long and loud, barely stopping as I took a breath. They ended abruptly with a final beat of my heart.

  Stephan was holding me immediately. He was talking nonsense, encouraging me to stay, to fight. His voice broke as he pleaded with me, begging me to hold on. For him.

  His tears were hot on my frozen skin. His whole body was a furnace next to mine. I blinked in confusion as my body started to tremble violently. Stephan must have seen something in my eyes signaling that the end of my suffering was near.

  “Praise Poseidon!” he whispered as he clutched me tightly against his burning chest. Effortlessly, he carried me to the bathroom. Two women I didn’t know filled the large tub with steaming water. Carefully, he stepped into the hot water, still clutching me in a tight embrace. His arms were the only things holding me together. My body thrashed as I shivered.

  The hot water burned every inch of my skin as he sat down. I groaned in pain, tears leaking from my eyes for the first time since I’d mated.

  “Shh, Tasha, it’s okay. You have to get warm, get your blood flowing again. You should be fine in a moment. You’re safe now. It’s over.” The relief in his voice was palpable. Tears of joy spilled down his cheeks as he smiled at me.

  The trembling slowly subsided, and I relaxed in his arms, exhaustion claiming me in its sweet embrace. I found myself in and out of consciousness for a long time.

  I’d been returned to my room, the familiar scents a balm on my psyche. I hid there for another week, alternating from nightmares to adjusting to the strange new things I was feeling from my body. Underneath it all was rage.

  I thought I’d find peace with the change, but the only thing that was a constant throughout the days following Raif’s death was a seething anger. I held onto it, letting it ground me as no emotion ever had before, knowing I’d need it to live through the wretched nightmares I couldn’t escape.

  MY HEART was thudding in my chest as I ran. I couldn’t remember if I was running toward something or away. Fear ate away at my gut, but I couldn’t recall why I was so afraid. The first hot stab of pain lanced through my torso, causing my steps to falter, reminding me what was happening.

  No! I thought, desperation causing my stride to move faster than my cheetah’s body should ever go. I was so close; if I could just get there in time, I could save him. The brief reminder that Raif was in danger, hurt, and probably dying, pushed me further into my frenzied state. Branches tore at my skin as I ran through the trees. I could feel blood streaming down my pelt.

  My muscles started to seize as the clearing came into view. I changed faster than I ever had before, my cat form sliding away like shed clothing. I didn’t care that I was bleeding and naked. All that mattered was the broken man in front of me. My stride faltered briefly at the sight of the wounds on his chest. He had to be alive. I didn’t know how he could be, but he had to be.

  I flew to his side, gathering him into my arms to protect him from further harm. His body offered no resistance to my touch. He was pale, blood oozing from the many stab wounds he’d sustained. I brushed his hair from his face, pleading for him to wake.

  “Raif. Raif! Please, wake up! Please, dear God, wake up!” I screamed my agony to the heavens, closing my eyes against the truth in my arms. “Raif, Please! Amada, wake up, wake up!” I felt strong arms shaking me. I made it! He would live! I pulled him closer. The relief I felt was palpable. I felt wetness on my lips, and I licked it off, thinking his tears were sweeter than I remembered.

  The next moment, he was lying on top of me. His hard body pressed almost uncomfortably against my curves. I started licking his wounds closed, purrs wracking my body as I licked. He shuddered. His legs pressed harder against my body, searching for a way to release some pressure. I opened for him. His erection ground hotly against my core, and I writhed in delight. He groaned.

  I licked his chest again, savoring the sweet, coppery taste of his blood. He moaned, thrusting helplessly against me. I would’ve helped free him from the confines of his blasted pants, but my hands were held immobile above my head. My eyes had long been glued shut from the sweat and blood that covered my body. Something that should’ve had me paralyzed in horror made no difference to me with the realization that Raif was still alive. The only way I could comfort and entice him was with my tongue. I continued to clean his wounds, each lick being rewarded with a sweet taste of his essence and a heartfelt groan.

  “Tasha, please. You have to stop. I’m still just a man. Please, for the love of Poseidon, stop.” A voice groaned, pained words barely registering in my euphoric mind. I realized he’d been begging for a while now. I stopped purring and licking to listen.

  “Tasha, please wake up. For the love of Poseidon, please stop and wake up.” He groaned again, trying desperately to restrain the passion I was inadvertently invoking in him. The only thing that registered in my sleep-filled mind was that Raif had never called me Tasha.

  My eyes flew open. Stephan’s bloody chest was inches from my face. The lines of his body were taught with restraint. He was valiantly trying to hold me down and contain his lust at the same time. He felt me stiffen beneath him. His molten silver eyes met mine, the passion causing them to swirl.

  “You can let me go now,” I whispered. “What happened?”

  He kept his gaze focused on mine. He watched me as if he were afraid of what I was going to do next. He leaned back slowly, releasing his hold on my arms and sitting on his heels in the cradle of my thighs.

  “Oh my God! Stephan, did I do that?” His torso had long scratches dug into it as if an animal had attacked him. Most of them were licked clean, the healing properties in his blood and my saliva already leaving behind red healing tissue to mar his perfect skin. In another hour, they’d be completely gone, but some of the scratches were so bad that even with our natural healing properties, blood still oozed slowly from them. I reached for his chest to gauge the finger span. It matched mine perfectly. He shuddered at my touch.

  “I was forced to restrain you, or you would have killed me. You are certain you are well now?” He was still trembling.

  “I’m so sorry, Stephan. I didn’t know. Are you okay?” I looked at him, the horror of what I’d done evident on my face.

  “I will survive. I must go to feed now, but I need to know that you will be well.” He was returning to his formal speak, and I knew things were bad.

  “I’m fine, Stephan. I didn’t mean to hurt you. This was my fault. Please, let me help you now.” I turned my chin and threw my hair back over my shoulder, baring my neck for his use.
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br />   “For the love of Poseidon! My control is sorely lacking tonight as it is. I would not be able to control myself.” He moved to leave, and I sprang up, shoving my wrist into his face.

  “My blood is the strongest you’ll find! You want it. I want you to take it. Drink!” I knew what I was asking of him. I felt horrible. Yes, his bite was orgasmic, but that was a by-product of his feeding. It didn’t mean anything. He needed to heal, and it was my fault he was injured. I could deal with the effects of his bite if it meant I could help him.

  With the vein so close and his hunger so strong, he couldn’t resist. I shuddered in anticipation as he grabbed my arm, his mouth latching hungrily onto my wrist. He moaned as my blood hit his tongue just as I bit my lip to suppress the moan I wanted to release.

  We climaxed together, still separated by the thin barrier of our clothes. He licked at the small puncture wounds longer than was necessary, gently massaging the tender tissue.

  “Thank you,” he whispered just before he fled the room.

  I fell to the floor in a graceless heap. I waited until I heard the door’s faint click before I collapsed. Hot, wet, salty tears streamed helplessly down my cheeks, a further reminder of what I’d lost and how different I truly was. The nightmare had been one of many that’d been plaguing my dreams since Raif’s death.

  However, this had been the first time I’d attacked someone. The reminder of Raif’s death compounded with the knowledge that I’d hurt Stephan so much caused me unbearable pain. The two men I loved more deeply than anything in this world were taken from me by fate’s cruelty. The hurt, anger, and bitterness I felt poured from my body in gut-wrenching sobs.

  I curled into a ball on my side, my back facing the door, desperately trying to pull myself together. The tears I’d missed so badly were now more of an annoyance, a weakness I no longer wanted. I cursed Poseidon, the fates, and anyone else I could blame.