by Voss, Deja
He just stood there, watching me, his jaw wide open.
“Have you ever gone nine months without sunlight? You get really fucking crazy. I could probably name a hundred ways to kill yourself with household objects. That’s what I fantasized about that entire time. Prayed that somebody just might accidentally leave my handcuffs unlocked long enough that I could break free and run neck first into a blunt object.”
I grabbed the bathroom door, ready to slam it in his face. I couldn’t believe I wasn’t crying. I was shaking like a leaf, anger overtaking me.
“The worst part about it? This was my family who did this to me. This was the God I knew and trusted. These were the people who were supposed to love me. They had me convinced this was all for my own good.”
I slid to the bathroom floor, curling up on the cold tile. “Fuck them,” I bellowed. “Fuck them all.”
Before I could take another breath, he was on the floor next to me. He took my head on his lap, running his fingers through my hair. “I fucking hate them, Breaker. I’m gonna be a nut job for the rest of my life, and it’s all their fault.”
“You’re not a nut job,” he said, his tone calm, easy, monotone. “You’re not broken. You’re fucking perfect. You’re the strongest woman I ever met. I’m sorry I pried. I just couldn’t live with myself knowing that one day I might do something to make you wanna run away from me. To make you need to run away from me.”
“This isn’t about you,” I said, lifting my head up, coughing so hard I thought I would throw up. “This is about me, figuring out how I’m ever going to fit somewhere. I don’t think I’m gonna.”
“You fit just perfect right here,” he said, grabbing my hand and putting it on his heart. “I don’t care what it takes. I’m not gonna let you slip. You want to scream at me? You scream, woman. You wanna break shit, I won’t judge you. You wanna talk to somebody, go get help, I won’t ever stop you. Whatever you need to do. We’re gonna get through this.”
I rested there with my head on his thigh, not really crying, but feeling like I’d just cut myself open and let my guts flow out onto the floor. Spent. Wrecked. Hollowed out.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m sorry I was mean.” He didn’t deserve me lashing out at him.
“That wasn’t mean, babe. That was real. If you can’t be real with me, we’re just wasting our fucking time here. I don’t want to go my whole life not knowing who you are. Truth is, this is kinda new to me, too. I never thought I would settle down. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I’m just trying to be a good man. I need you to tell me if I’m fucking up.”
“Why me?” I muttered. “What part of cult girl who dressed in a bag and worked at bakery made you think, ‘I want that,’” I said with a hearty chuckle.
“I don’t know if you remember much about my momma,” he said. “Since as long as I can remember, she used to take me to the bakery once a week. Even before you came around.”
“I remember her,” I said.
“Well, she got really sick, doctors gave her all sorts of painkillers, and she got hooked. She couldn’t come around anymore, but I kept coming, every Tuesday. Always brought her home a dozen doughnuts. She always asked about you and your sister, and your auntie she used to work there, too. I don’t know, you probably never realized it, but you’ve always been a part of my life. So much shit changed, every day shit changed. I did stuff I wasn’t proud of. Got wrapped up in some bad people, but every week, like clockwork, you were there. You didn’t look at me like I was some piece of trash. I just knew you were good. I knew you had a good heart.”
“I always loved when you came to see me,” I said. “It was the highlight of my week. Not that there was a lot of stuff to look forward to back there. But honestly, the feeling was mutual. I knew you were good. You never looked at me like I was some weirdo in a bonnet.”
“Come on,” he said. “You’re freezing.” He helped me up off the bathroom floor and folded down the covers on the bed. “You need anything? You thirsty? Hungry?”
“I just want you to come lay with me,” I said. I don’t think I’d ever get tired of that feeling when he spooned his body up against mine, squeezing me so tight like he was scared someone would come steal me. I felt safe. I felt comfortable. I felt confident.
“I do love you, girl,” he said. “I mean it. No matter what happens.”
I knew in that instant I had loved no one before, not one person on this earth, not one person in my life, nor had I ever been loved. It made me sad, but it made me happy, too. That I finally got to feel this. “I love you, Breaker.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
Breaker:
“Babe, what’s wrong?” I asked. She was sitting bolt upright in bed, huffing and puffing like she couldn’t catch her breath. The way the moonlight was shining on her face, she looked like a demon or some shit possessed her.
“My sister,” she said. “Something bad happened.”
“I think you’re probably just having a dream,” I said, running my fingers over the soft skin of her back. “Lay down. It’s going to be alright.”
“Breaker, it’s not a dream. I remember that night. Right before Jacob stabbed me in the arm. He was beating her. He was kicking her. He was gonna kill her.”
“Are you sure that’s what happened?” I asked. It’s not that I didn’t believe her. I just didn’t want to. This shit just kept getting more and more complicated by the minute. The only thing I knew was I wasn’t going to get any rest until I put this Jacob dude to a stop. First, he was coming after my club, planting drugs with our logo on em. Then he came after my woman, leaving her for dead, probably hoping the cops would get to her first. I was feeling like this was personal.
“We snuck out of the bedroom. We were coming to meet you. She had to stop at his house first. She told me something crazy, she was going to rob Rosey and give the money to Jacob. She needed to go to his house first to get protection? I hid in the bushes. He knew everything. He knew I was out there. He knew she was taking me. He started hitting her and throwing her around, and I went inside, and then, oh my God, Breaker. She was always mean to me, but I don’t want her to die. I gotta get to her.”
Something wasn’t quite sitting right about this whole story. “How well you know your sister?”
She looked at me like I was nuts. “I mean, I’ve known her as long as I’ve been alive. She was my parents' favorite. She did whatever she wanted. She was always out partying every night, but I was too chicken shit. I didn’t want to get in trouble. I didn’t know about that robbing men for the church stuff until that night, but coming from her, seemed normal.”
“You think she’s working for somebody on the outside?” I asked. Law told me she was the one who told him about Hannah’s year in the basement. She had no reason to talk to him. Unless.
“What does that mean?” she asked.
“Like a government agency or some shit.”
“I mean… I mean…” she stuttered like a broken record.
I grabbed my phone off the nightstand and called up Rosey. He was more than halfway drunk, but he read off Rachael’s cellphone number and I scribbled it down on a sheet of paper.
“Call her,” I said, handing her the phone. “If it’ll make you feel better, call her.”
I punched the numbers in for her. The phone rang three times before she picked up.
“It’s me,” Hannah said. “I think she hung up.”
Two seconds later, my phone rang again, this time from a different number. I flipped it onto speaker phone and set it on the bed.
“That phone is bugged. Don’t call that number anymore. You okay?”
Hannah burst into tears. “I’m good,” she said, sobbing into her hands. “I’m glad you’re alive.”
“Listen, Hannah. I gotta tell you I’m sorry. I’ll tell you everything in person. Just know, that fucker is going to jail soon. Really soon. I’m working on it.”
“What can I do?” Hannah asked.
“Yeah,” she whispered. “Yeah.”
“I’ll get in touch soon. You need anything, you go to Law. He’s been briefed on the case, and he’s pulling some strings behind the scenes. You tell Breaker I said hello, alright?”
Hannah chuckled, shaking her head. “I will. Be careful. I love you.”
“Well, I don’t know how. Haven’t exactly been great to you, but I promise I’m gonna spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I love you, sister.”
She hung up the phone, and Hannah let out a long sigh.
“I swear this just keeps getting weirder and weirder,” she said. “It’s like I’ve spent my whole life with my head in the sand.”
“At least you know Jacob’s going to jail,” I said, resting my head back down on the pillow, pulling her close to me once again.
“Don’t think I’m a sicko,” she said. “I was kinda hoping I would get to handle him myself?”
“That’s my girl,” I said, kissing her shoulder. “You have any idea how you’d do it?”
“I have a million ideas. The only thing more satisfying than thinking about how I would kill myself in that basement was thinking about how I was going to kill him.”
“You know, you really got this dirty talk thing down to science,” I said, feeling my dick getting hard up against her leg.
“There’s something wrong with you,” she giggled.
“Tell me you’re not wet,” I whispered in her ear, kissing her neck in that place I knew made her crazy. She rocked her hips back towards me, spreading her legs just a little bit, guiding my hand to her perfect tits. I didn’t have another rubber. I didn’t even care. She was pure. I was clean. She was the only pussy I was ever gonna stick my dick in ever again. She fit me like a warm, wet glove, her muscles flexing around me, milking me dry as I slowly rocked in and out. She moaned into the pillow bucking her hips up and down, taking me in deeper and deeper. I reached for her clit, her breath getting all choppy, and as she came down all over my cock, I had to pull out. Someday I’d fill her up with babies. If she wanted me to. Right now I was happy just doing whatever it was we were doing.
I got up to get cleaned up, and she stretched out on the bed, smiling at me in the moonlit room, sighing contentedly until she fell asleep.
Thirty years old, and I finally had my first girlfriend. It was well fucking worth the wait.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Hannah:
“Uhh…” I groaned, slapping away whatever was poking me in the head. “Five more minutes,” I pleaded. Breaker was seriously insatiable. Even in his sleep, his hands had a mind of their own, grabbing my ass, cupping my boobs. It was cute, but if I was ever going to get my life together, we would have to figure out some sort of sleeping arrangement that didn’t involve him poking me in the back with his dick every five minutes.
I smiled, looking forward to waking up to his face. That’s not what I got at all, though. Terror pulsed through my veins as Jacob hovered over me, a pistol pressed to my forehead. I opened my mouth to scream, but nothing came out. The door was hanging wide open, deadbolts busted from their chains. Breaker was still snoring away.
“Get up,” he whispered. “Get up, get dressed, and go get in the car, or I’ll blow your fucking brains out all over your boyfriend’s body.” I didn’t know what to do. I was afraid if I woke Breaker up, Jacob would kill us both. I tried to slip out of bed as quietly as possible. I covered my naked body with my hands and he kept the gun trained on me as I gathered up my clothes from the floor. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught Breaker stirring. He blinked open his eyes, and I looked at him, quickly turning back to getting dressed.
“I gotta pee,” I whispered. Jacob followed me to the bathroom, pulling the door closed behind him. “I can’t while you watch.”
“Get fucking used to it,” he said. “I’m never letting you out of my sight again.” He still had the gun pointed right at my chest, and all I could do was pray that Breaker knew it. If he busted through that bathroom door and startled him, that was the end of me. As many times as I’d imagined my death, never once did I picture it on a toilet. That would be my luck.
I stood up, holding my hands in the air, and walked over to the sink, turning on the water to wash my hands. Jacob’s face in the mirror behind me made my stomach lurch. Years of terror flickered through my thoughts. I wasn’t going down like this. It was my turn to fight. And this time, I had backup.
I ripped the mirror off the bathroom wall and swung it wildly, hitting him over the face repeatedly. If he shot me, I didn’t know; the adrenaline pumping through me making everything move in slow motion. He was bleeding; I knew that. He was groaning.
Breaker threw open the bathroom door and tackled him to the ground. He took the gun from his hand and tossed it across the room.
“What the fuck, dude?” Breaker asked, as Jacob writhed on the floor beneath him. “What kinda man sneaks up on somebody while they’re sleeping?”
“He’s not a man,” I said. “He’s a monster.”
“I’m so sorry I’m late,” my sister said as she appeared in the doorway. She was holding a pistol. “I followed him here as fast as I could. I should’ve known he was on the way as soon as you called my phone last night.”
He struggled on the ground to break free of Breaker’s grip. Though he was much taller than him, Jacob seemed so weak. Breaker was barely touching him, effortlessly pinning him there, not even breaking a sweat.
I picked the gun up off the tile and walked over to him, pointing it right at his face.
“What are you doing, babe?” Breaker asked.
“Just fucking shoot me,” Jacob said. “You kill me, and I promise, your boyfriend goes to jail for the rest of his life. I made sure of it. Always have a back-up plan.”
“You know, Jacob,” Breaker said, digging his knee into his chest. “I’m really starting to feel like all of this has something to do with me. You got a beef with me? What the fuck did I ever do.”
Jacob laughed his evil laugh, like he’d just told the funniest joke in the world.
“You have no idea, do you?”
“Jacob, I’ve never said more than a couple words to you before. Why the hell are you intent on ruining my life?”
“Because you ruined mine. Everything was great until you took my mom away.”
“What now?” Breaker asked, cocking his head.
“You don’t remember every week, coming to the bakery with her and going home with a big envelope of money?”
“I really don’t understand,” Breaker stammered.
“You’re my brother, you fucking asshole. Our mom was the sweetest woman in the entire world. After you were born, she got strange. She left the church. She didn’t want anything to do with us. She took you and moved away. My dad loved her so much, he did whatever he could to make sure he was safe. He gave her money every week so she had a place to live. So you could have clothes and food. She left me. She loved you more, and she left me.”
Breaker rolled off of him, hunching down on the floor like someone had kicked him in the stomach.
“I put my fucking lawn mowing money in that envelope every week. I was just a kid. I didn’t understand. I thought if I gave her enough, maybe she’d come back. I could have my family again.”
Breaker sat there, his head in his hands as Jacob began to sit up.
I rushed to Breaker’s side, keeping the gun trained on Jacob’s face the entire time. “Don’t let him get in your head, Breaker,” I said, grabbing his hand in mine. “You were just a baby. You didn’t have any say in what your mom did. Jacob’s father was an evil man. She gave you the kindest gift in the world getting you away from him.”
“Cheryl was the kindest woman I’d ever known. I knew someday she’d come to her wits and com
e back to us. Too bad your boyfriend here had to go and kill her.” My eyes locked with Jacob’s, my jaw dropping a little. “Oh, you didn’t tell her that part, did you, Alexander? You think this guy is all high and mighty? He killed our mother. Gave her that last dose of heroin that pushed her over the edge.”
Breaker growled like a wolf, springing from the floor, jumping on top of Jacob and drilling his fist into his face.
“You took my mother away. Nothing was the same when she left. Then you tried to take my Hannah? You’re gonna pay. You might not know it now, but I will take away everything that’s ever been important to you. I’m gonna take your girl. I’m gonna take your club. And then I’m gonna take your life. You might have the upper hand right now, but I promise, you will spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Racheal groaned, rolling her eyes. “No, you aren’t. Now get off him.” She looked down at her watch. “Cops are gonna be here in about three minutes. Hannah, you wanna finish him off, I don’t blame you, I won’t say anything, but I’ll advise you, he’s much more useful to us alive than he is dead. You wanna see the church go down? We’re gonna need him.”
I stared at the gun in my hands, knowing right now I had the power to finally end this man’s life. All the times I’d dreamed about it, all the times I’d fantasized ways I was going to do it, and all I had to do was pull the trigger.
“I don’t think I wanna kill him all the way,” I said. “I just want to kind of do it, like he kind of killed me. Only when he wakes up, he doesn’t get a great new life, he gets fucked in the ass in prison by some guy named Rambo.”