by Paul Neuhaus
“Yeah, I started calling him that. He doesn’t seem to mind. Who’s house is this?”
I looked around at the mansion and the grounds and remembered the lady of the house was lying inside in a pool of her own blood. “Medusa. It belongs to Medusa.”
“The snake hair lady?!”
“Yeah. The snake hair lady. She’s dead now.”
He noticed I wasn’t happy about that outcome and his tone softened. “That’s too bad. I never met a snake hair lady. You gonna go after Prometheus? Like he said?”
I shrugged. “I dunno, Petey. I might. Then again, there’s at least an equal chance I might crawl into a bed and never get out.”
“You need me to airlift you out?”
I smiled at him. The fact that he’d come was not to be undervalued. “No, I’ve got the Firebird.”
“You’re at El’s house, right? Do you mind if me’n Chad come over there tonight? I can’t help feeling there’re stories to be exchanged.”
I shrugged. “Do whatever you want. I won’t be there. I’ve got things to do.”
“Do you need help?” Petey came around to Pegasus’ left side and mounted him.
I thought for a minute. “I have no idea,” I answered honestly.
Petey looked as though he were trying to think of something else helpful to say but couldn’t. He gave me a little salute and took to the air.
I sat in the Pontiac for a good while going over where I was at. Medusa hadn’t told me what the hierophant was or where I could find it. (And I wasn’t even sure it’d be of any use to me). I did have one last option as far as the weird statue with a spirit inside, but it was a drastic option and I wasn’t too keen on following through. Petey’s question about whether I was going after Prometheus was, I suppose, a valid one. I had developed a reputation of late for heroics. A reputation that no longer meshed well with my persona as “Power Dora”. Also, if I acted at all, it would’ve been out of revenge. I searched inside myself, but my need for vengeance was tiny at best. It just seemed so pointless. Maybe Prometheus was right. Maybe we would get used to the changes and get on with our lives. Nothing he’d done so far (with one exception) precluded me from getting on with my life the way I’d planned to from inside Pan’s pinecone.
At that exact moment in time, my priority had to be Hope. Based on prior experience, I knew having her home shattered wasn’t fatal to her. She’d be out in the world somewhere and I had to find her. I doubted seriously she’d return to Vasquez Rocks. I’d found her there the last time, and she’d kept the Evils corralled until I could recapture them. But the world of last month was very different than the world of today and corralling Evils seemed like a fool’s errand. Then again, maybe I was projecting my own attitude onto Hope. She was, after all, the optimistic one. I pulled out of my parking spot at the right time. Police cars and ambulances were just arriving. One of Medusa’s neighbors must’ve called nine one one. These particular first responders were in for quite a shock when they entered the house.
I drove down Sunset Boulevard wracking my brain for a fruitful destination.
I took Sunset all the way down to where it dead-ends into the Pacific Coast Highway. Point of fact, I wasn’t too far from the Tonga Lei Lounge and the remnants of my trailer. I parked, got out, and walked down to the beach where I sat down on a rock and watched the surf. I wasn’t there long when a voice next to me said, “What next?”
I turned, and it was Hope in little girl mode. Little toga. Little sandals. Blonde ringlets. I didn’t answer her question. Instead, I said, “Hope!” and hugged her to me. The fact she was safe and that I wouldn’t have to go on a long, difficult hunt for her was a huge relief to me. I scooted over so she could share my rock. “Are you okay?” I said.
She nodded, although she looked around at the big, wide world with trepidation. “I’m okay,” she replied. “But I think I have reverse claustrophobia. I feel really weird being out in the open like this.”
“You’ll get used to it.”
“You wouldn’t happen to have any more magic jugs laying around, would you?”
“Sorry. I’m fresh out.”
The little girl drew her knees up to herself and hugged them to her body. “What does this mean for us?” she said.
“I think it means we’re out of the hero business.”
“Is that what it means? Are we going to just let all of this stand?”
“At the moment, I’m fresh out of ideas. If we were a chess piece, I’d feel like we’d just been taken off the board.”
She turned her head, so she could give me a sidelong look. One of her little eyebrows went up. “That doesn’t sound like the Dora I know. The Dora I know would find Prometheus and kick him in the teeth until he put everything back where it belonged.”
I nodded. “And then what? Back onto the old treadmill? I’ve been in rat-in-a-cage mode for years now. All because I felt penned in by circumstances, I not only couldn’t control but didn’t like very much. Chalk up whatever… heroine qualities I had to the desperation I felt. I don’t think I should be that Dora anymore.”
She had to process that for a moment. “I understand,” she said. “Does that mean I’m not going to have you in my life anymore?”
I was shocked she’d come to that conclusion. After the Vasquez Incident, we’d decided we were sisters, and, as far as I was concerned, that was as true now as it’d been then. “Don’t be fucking crazy,” I said. “I’d sooner cut off one of my legs.”
I bumped her with my shoulder, and she bumped back. We sat looking at the ocean until the sun got too hot.
We left the beach to get something to eat. First, we had to stop at Target to get Hope some proper clothes. We got stopped a couple of times by moms who lost their shit over Hope’s good looks. One of them was a talent agent who gave us her card. If Hope ever got tired of being an anthropomorphic concept, she could clean up in commercials. Some of the looky loos wanted to know why my little companion was dressed the way she was. I told them it was for the Harvest Carnival. None of them seemed to be thrown by the fact it wasn’t fall.
After we each got a couple of decent outfits and Hope changed into one of hers, we stopped at a Norm’s and had breakfast in the middle of the day. “You know,” Hope said. “This is the first time I’ve ever eaten food.”
That was amazing to me. “Seriously?! What do you think?”
“It feels completely natural. It feels like I’ve been doing it my whole life. Of course, trying each one of the foods is a new experience. Everything I’ve ever heard people say about bacon is one hundred-percent true. In fact, if anything, I’d say they were underselling it.”
“I know, right?!” I said, taking a piece of bacon off her plate and quickly eating it.
“Hey! No fair!” She picked up a blueberry and threw it at my head. It bounced off my nose, so I grabbed a banana slice off my own plate and whipped it her. Thanks to some maple syrup, it adhered to her right cheek. She started to frisbee a piece of toast at me, but we were stopped by our waitress.
“Cut it out! What were you, raised in a barn?” the server said.
We both cast our eyes down and muttered apologies.
When we got back to Elijah’s house, Hope and I both had one of those gigantic rainbow lollipops. They were ridiculously huge, and we’d never finish them all, but I’d always wanted to get one and never had the guts.
Everyone was enchanted with Hope in her physical form, particularly El, and Keri and Ty who’d known her as nothing more than a disembodied voice. Ty was there along with Chad and Petey. Apparently, my partner and I had arrived just in time for Petey’s little pow wow.
“I thought you weren’t gonna make it,” the M.C. said.
“I thought I wasn’t too, but Hope showed up, so I ended up not having to look for her. What’d I miss?”
They all looked at one another and muttered negatives. El said, “None of us are experts in the field with the possible exception of Ty and he’s blind. He doesn’t care what t
he world looks like.”
“It’s true,” Ty affirmed.
“Now we understand all the Evils are loose again, and we’re wondering what kinda world we’ve got to raise our kids in,” Petey added.
“Well,” I said, taking a lick of my sucker. “You’ve got the world I had when I was a child. It’s a little less populated with wonders, but otherwise it’s the same. Beautiful scenery, scary monsters. And I don’t mean the Bowie album.”
Keri brightened. “Oh! I love that album.” Everyone turned to look at her, so she said, “Which, of course, I realize isn’t relevant right now.”
Everyone turned back to me. I realized I was sick of my lollipop, so I handed it to Hope. “Would you do something with this, please? It’s kind of disgusting.”
“Oh, thank gods,” Hope replied as she took mine and headed toward the kitchen with both. “I thought I was gonna have to eat the whole thing.”
I looked at the expectant men and the fifteen-year-old-girl. “I don’t know why you guys’re looking at me,” I said. I counted off on my fingers. “The world has been rolled back to the way it was when I was young. I don’t know how to fix it; it’s not in my area of expertise. All the Evils have been let loose for the second time in a month. And I wouldn’t begin to know how to get another pithos.”
“Didn’t Zeus come to you and offer you a replacement?” Tiresias said.
“Technically, Pan came to me and offered me a replacement, but the problem is inherent in your question. They came to me, I didn’t go to them. So far, no one’s stepped forward to dose me with a new crock.”
Everyone sighed and looked down at their shoes. “Well, I refuse to believe we have to just live with this,” Chad Kroeger said. “I mean we all thought we were stuck with The Big Bang Theory, and now it’s in its final season.”
Petey gave Chad an annoyed look. “What we’re dealing with here is much worse than The Big Bang Theory.”
“I beg to differ,” Chad mumbled.
“Look,” I said, beginning to head out of the room. “I’m here and I’m open to ideas if anybody’s got them. I can only think of one thing I could possibly do, and it’s a) repugnant to me and b) a ridiculous long shot. I’m gonna go see if there’s anything on Turner Classic Movies. Tell me if you think of anything worthwhile.” Turner Classic Movies got Cal’s attention. He started to follow me, but Elijah called after us.
“I don’t think you’re taking this seriously enough,” my ex- said. “I don’t think you’re doing enough.”
I grinned a shark grin at him. “Not doing enough? I see, so were you there all those thousands of years when I was doing my bit for King and Country—even though I didn’t know which King or what Country I was serving? Were you there when I fought and bled and nearly died all those times for nothing? So, my work could be scattered to the four winds like I never did it. Were you there for any of that?”
He tried to hold firm, but I could see the intensity leaving his eyes. “No, I wasn’t there.”
“That’s right. You were too busy banging cocktail waitresses.”
I left the room, and Cal followed me without comment.
The next day, Hope and I went to Six Flags Magic Mountain, rode every ride, and screamed our fucking heads off. I recommend Batman: The Ride if you’ve never been.
About midway through the day, Hope ate so much funnel cake she threw up.
The day after that, Hope and I went on one of those tours of Hollywood celebrity homes. We saw George Clooney and he waved at us. Hope was excited by the sighting not because of Clooney himself, but because Clooney had been in movies with Matt Damon. Matt Damon had, of course, played Jason Bourne. If we’d seen Matt Damon himself, I believe Hope would’ve peed in her pants.
After the tour, we went to Neptune’s Net which is this weird seafood restaurant where bikers hang out. Hope binged and ended up puking her guts out. I saw the puke. It was mostly scallops.
The day after that, Hope and I went to one of those places where you can rent inflatable sumo outfits and fight other people in inflatable sumo outfits. They stuck her in the children’s division and me in the adult. I beat the living shit out of three grown men. Hope had similar success with two girls and a little boy. She got mad when I told her the boy she beat looked like a sissy.
After sumo fights, we went to Krispy Kreme in Santa Monica and bought two dozen glazed. We sat there until they were all gone, and Hope threw up again.
The day after that, me and my new best friend went down to Hollywood Boulevard and stood on the sidewalk dressed as superheroes. She was a tiny Spider-man and I was Deadpool. It’s not as odd as it sounds, since there’re always people down there dressed as superheroes. To blend in, we passed out fliers just like the others. Ours said, “Help us! We’re victims of human trafficking!” It took more than an hour for someone to finally read their flier and summon the authorities on our behalf. When the cops came, we ran, laughing down the Boulevard.
Afterward, we went to an ancient Italian restaurant just off the main drag. Hope ate so much Chicken Cacciatore, she threw up.
On the fifth day, somebody finally said something. Several somebodies, actually. Hope and I were on our way out again when we were stopped in the living room. Everyone was there. Elijah, Keri, M.C. Pliny the Elder, Jack, Tiresias, Cal, Chad. They were sitting around with solemn expressions. I knew what was up right away. I laughed as I said, “This is an intervention, isn’t it?”
“Would you please sit down?” El said. “Just for a few minutes. We want to talk to you.”
Cal got up and offered me his chair. I took it and Hope stood next to me.
The elder Wiener sighed, looking at all the faces except mine. Turns out he was looking for someone to take up the baton, but he didn’t get any offers, so he had to do the talking. “Look,” he said. “This life is wearing on us. You’re used to it. It’s what you had when you were a kid, but to us it just feels wrong.”
“Not to me,” Cal said.
“Nor me,” Ty added.
“Okay. Well. To everybody else, it feels weird. It’s like being dropped on another planet. A planet with a different climate and ecosystem. A planet where monsters run around loose.”
“I haven’t seen any monsters,” I replied. “Have you seen any monsters?” I asked Hope.
“I haven’t seen any monsters,” she replied.
“Stop being snotty. You know just as well as I do, they’re out there. Lying in wait. Ready to pounce.”
I smiled and shook my head. “El, there were always monsters lying in wait. Ready to pounce. Most of them wore human skins, but they were out there.”
El didn’t back down. “But those we understood. Maybe not the pathology, but at least the shape. Before now, we didn’t have minotaurs and shit to worry about.” I shrugged. He didn’t like that response. “You said to us the other day, there was one thing you could do, but you didn’t think it’d do any good. Well, we’re all here to tell you, we’re at that juncture.”
I cursed myself for bringing up the thing I didn’t want to do. “Oh, you’re all at that juncture. Does it matter to you it’ll be something you can’t help me with, and it’s something I really, really don’t wanna do?”
They all looked at one another. Elijah at me. “No, honestly it doesn’t. We’re asking you: Please, try and make this right. If it doesn’t work out—like you warned us it might not—that’s fine, but we have to know that every stone has been turned over. We need that if we’re ever gonna be able to accept this.”
I sighed, shutting my eyes tight. I rubbed my temples. “Fine,” I said at last, standing. Without further comment, I moved to the front door and all of them watched me go. All of them except Hope who was right at my heels. I turned and laid my hands gently on her shoulders. “No. Please. Stay here. I honestly don’t think there’s anything you can do to help, so just hang tight.”
She could tell I was stone-cold serious, so she hung tight. “Where’re you going?” she asked.
I turned and, right before I exited the house, I said, “Hell.”
On the drive from Westwood to Griffith Park, I did some thinking. L.A. traffic was a thing of the past, so, fortunately, I didn’t have too long to spend in my own head.
I thought about how quickly I’d surrendered “Power Dora”. She was supposed to be my rock and I’d betrayed her. I thought about how being a hero is a sign of weakness—at least at the outset. Giving in and doing a thing you have no desire to do is, in a weird way, a capitulation. Everyone talks about how selfless the hero is, and that’s exactly right. A hero has to leave himself behind to do what other people think is necessary.
Being a hero has a personal cost.
When I got to Bronson Caves, I parked the Firebird and entered the main cave. I followed the same route Amanda and I had followed to get into Hades the month before. I again finger-banged the vagina door to gain entry, then I walked through to the main chamber. Once there, I crossed the bridge over the river Styx, passed the judges of the dead and came to the gate leading to the Underworld’s hub. Thanatos, the Greek Grim Reaper, was there. He nodded but did not challenge me.
The hub had walkways leading away from it. In the center of this intersection were two thrones. Fortunately, both seats were occupied so I wouldn’t have to go searching for the custodians of Hell. Connie and Amanda were arguing, so they didn’t see me come in. I cleared my throat to get their attention. “Oh. Hi,” Amanda said, the residual anger from our last encounter still in effect.
Connie was friendlier. “What’s going on? How are you? Are you okay? What’s happening up there?”
I answered matter-of-factly. “Prometheus used my magic pinecone to overwrite the real world.”
Connie’s eyes bugged out. “For real? Are there like nymphs and dryads and centaurs running around everywhere looking to get fucked?”