by Paul Neuhaus
The jet landed in Greece in a town called Parga. Back in the day it was called Toryne, and it was near a temple dedicated to Hades and Persephone called the Necromanteion. The temple was near where the Acheron, Pyriphlegethon and Cocytus rivers all conjoined, and it was there where one could find a gate into the Underworld. Actually, one could still find a gate to the Underworld if one knew how to look. I knew because I’d been through it fairly recently.
“Okay,” Zeus said for the third time. “Explain this to me like I’m a five-year-old. Why do I have to wear this get-up?”
I walked around him, appraising the job I’d done on his disguise. The allfather was wearing an ankle-length robe with a hood. He looked a lot like a Sith lord, especially since I’d painted his face black. “What’s to understand?” I said. “If we took you into the Underworld without a costume would Hades and Persephone recognize you immediately?”
“Yeah, no, I get that part. Why this particular outfit?”
“The outfit’s only half-finished. Now… Make yourself translucent and glow-y.”
He did as I asked. “No, not yellow glow-y, blue glow-y.” I marched him into the bathroom and pointed him at the mirror. “See?” I said.
“I look like a shade,” he replied.
“And where are we going?”
“The Underworld— Okay, I get it now. Go over the plan with me again…”
I sighed and pulled him back into the passenger cabin. “I don’t wanna hit you with the whole plan. I’m only gonna give you your part. When we go into the main chamber, I want you to split off and act like your run-of-the-mill ghost until I get back. When I get back, I’ll give you the rest of the scenario.”
“What’s a run-of-the-mill shade act like?”
“I dunno. They’re all mopey and confused. Improvise.” His eyes brightened at the word “improvise”, and I was forced to add a quick addendum. “Do not try and fuck the other ghosts. As far as I know, ghosts don’t fuck.”
He sighed. “Too bad.”
My one worry going back into the Underworld proved to be unfounded. I was afraid, with Hades back in charge, there’d be a stronger presence at the gate. The only one there to greet us was Cerberus, though. The three-headed dog and I had a history together. He approached me cautiously at first, but as soon as he realized it was me, he gave me a yucky lick to the face. Zeus smirked at the two of us. “And you were worried about me going sex crazy.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I said, looking around. The place hadn’t changed much under the new regime. The area between the river Styx and the hub was still populated with shuffling shades. “Just do me a favor and blend in until I get back.”
“On it,” Zeus said, and I headed off toward the inner gate.
I entered the hub to see Hades and Persephone (AKA Stephanie) sitting on the two obsidian thrones instead of Connie and Amanda. Hades, long known for his lack of humor, sat up and glared at me with piercing eyes. “How did you get in here?” he said. “Did you come through the front gate?”
“I did come through the front gate,” I replied. “Cerberus let me by. We’re kind of pals.”
The lord of the Underworld sighed. “I can’t think of a single good reason for you to be here.” Hades knew who I was and, though I don’t think he bore me any ill will, he wasn’t happy to see me either. I had a suspicion about why that might be.
“Actually, I have a very good reason for being here. But I’m not sure how explicit I can be since I don’t know where your loyalties lie.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Stephanie and I made eye contact briefly. She’d still been in charge during my first visit and she’d done me a solid or two. She was keenly interested in what I had to say. “Let me ask you this,” I said. “And be honest… Were you enjoying your retirement?”
Hades looked at Stephanie and mulled over how best to answer. He’d fucked off before her and left her in charge of the Underworld. I’m certain it was a sore spot between the two of them. “It was… okay,” he replied.
“So, it’s good to be back on the job then?”
He narrowed his eyes at me, trying to discern whether I was some kind of spy. Was I a Prometheus loyalist testing his allegiance? “What’re you getting at?”
I sighed, realizing we could go back and forth like that all day. “Look,” I said. “I’m gonna put my cards on the table. I think I can restore the status quo.”
“Which status quo? The first status quo or the second status quo?”
Excellent question, although I was a little flummoxed by it. “How many status quos are we up to now?”
“There was the first status quo where all the other gods were on Olympus and me and Persephone were stuck down here. Then there was the second status quo where most of us eventually fucked off. Then, I guess, there’s the third status quo where, thanks to Prometheus, we’re more or less back to the first status quo.”
I rolled that over in my head, making sure I understood. “I’m talking about the second status quo. The one where you guys went off to a metaphorical Scottsdale, Arizona.”
“Scottsdale? Why Scottsdale?”
“Number one destination for retirees. I saw it on CNBC.”
He shook his head to banish the trivia I’d made him ingest. He had to straighten his iron crown. “Tell me your plan,” he said.
I inhaled deeply. “I’d rather not do that,” I said. “There’re elements I don’t want known yet. You’re just gonna have to trust me.”
He smiled, and I noticed his teeth were pointed. “And I should trust the girl who let all the Evil into the world why?”
I shifted my weight from one foot to the other, cocking my hip. I raised my voice. “Look, do you want to go back to golf three times a week or not?” Stephanie winced. Based on her expression alone, I could tell I’d blown it. I turned back to Hades and he was no longer looking at me. “Okay, I’m sorry I got testy, but I’m just— “
The god of the dead cut me off, turning to his wife. “Is there a fly in here?” he said. “Do you hear that? Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz…”
“I’m trying to apologize. It’s just that— “
Hades raised his volume. “Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz…”
I raised my own volume to match his. “Oh, that’s real mature. Why can’t we—? “
Hades raised his volume again. This time, he was screaming, and the tendons stood out on his neck. “Buzz! Buzz! Buzz! Buzz! Buzz! Buzz!”
I closed my mouth and looked at the two of them. Hades’ eyes were on fire and Stephanie looked both apologetic and sympathetic. I mulled over a few things to say, but I was certain all of them would be met with an even louder round of buzzing. Not knowing what else to do, I turned on my heel and left the hub.
As I exited into the main chamber, I heard a sound like escaping air. Then I realized it was someone going “pssst” to get my attention. I looked over and saw it was Thanatos, the Greek equivalent of the Grim Reaper. “Oh, hi, Thanatos. I was just— “
But Thanatos cut me off. Only it wasn’t Thanatos’ voice coming out of Thanatos’ body. It was Stephanie’s voice coming out of Thanatos’ body. I’m embarrassed to say it gave me the willies. “Da fuh?” I said.
“Relax. It’s me. Steph. What did you want? Maybe I can help.”
“You’d do that? And risk getting on Hades’ bad side?”
Stephanie was not only sending her voice through Thanatos, she was also controlling his body. His posture became decidedly more feminine and he gave me a wave of dismissal that was girlish. “I haven’t been on Hades’ good side in centuries. After I fucked off, I went to see him, and he’d shacked up with Antigone. The man has no shame.”
I looked around to make sure no one was watching us. “Okay, yeah, sure. I need to speak to Connie and Amanda.”
Thanatos/Stephanie thought for a moment. “I think I can do that. Let me get rid of Hades and then I’ll sneak you into Asphodel. Provided you can assure me you’re not a tick
ing gas bomb.”
She was giving me shit. The last time she escorted me into Asphodel, I’d been unwittingly boobytrapped by Medea. “I’m reasonably confident no one’s slipped me another gas mickey.”
“Fair enough. Give me a minute.” As soon as she said it, she dropped out of Thanatos’ body and Thanatos looked uncharacteristically confused.
I hung out next to Thanatos for several minutes while I waited for Stephanie to make things happen on the other side of the gate. As the two of us spoke, we could hear a heated discussion from the hub. The clear animosity between the king and queen of the underworld made me think of Connie and Amanda. Based on the shouting, I thought Amanda had it easy by comparison. “So…” I said to Thanatos. “How’s the soul harvesting business?”
The Reaper shrugged his armored shoulders. “Same old, same old,” he replied.
“Did you always want to gather up the dead?”
He looked mildly surprised. “No one’s ever asked me that before.”
“I’m assuming no one’s ever asked you much of anything. I mean you look kind of intimidating, and you’re in kind of a ghoulish profession. People probably think you’re not very talkative.”
He nodded. “It’s true, it’s true. I mean, try being me and wanting to meet girls. It’s impossible.”
“I can imagine. Do they have a lot of mixers down here? Meet and greets?”
“No, I haven’t been to a proper cocktail party since 1974. I met a clerk typist. Things were going well until she found out I was in Death.”
“Mmm. Right. It’s not a growth industry.”
“No, one might say it’s a bit of a flat line.”
I raised an eyebrow. Thanatos was wittier and more urbane than I would’ve expected. “I’ll ask around. See if I know any girls that’d wanna meet you.”
“Please do,” he said with just the hint of a smile.
Stephanie finally appeared at the gate and called me over.
As I walked toward her, I said over my shoulder, “What was it you wanted to be? Before you got into harvesting souls?”
“I wanted to design lingerie,” Thanatos replied.
Stephanie and I snuck past the obsidian thrones and took the steps on the left; the ones leading down to the Asphodel Meadows. Once we were in that section of the Underworld, we were free to talk. “What happened when you guys came back? You didn’t hurt my friends, did you?”
“No. Prometheus brought us. He said, ‘Give Hades and Persephone their crowns back’. What choice did your friends have really? They gave up the crowns and turned into shades.”
“Prometheus brought you down himself. Sounds like a schoolmaster dealing with rowdy pupils.”
“It had that feel about it, yeah. Neither one of us wanted to come back. Then again, Prometheus destroyed the pocket universe we were in so there wasn’t much left for us to do but take our old jobs back.”
We were walking through a grassy field with weeping willow trees. The air smelled like rain. “What do you think of Prometheus?”
Stephanie looked around as if she feared we might be spied upon. “I think he’s crazier than a shit-house rat. I guess being chained to a rock for thousands of years’ll have that effect on you. When he was freed, he was furious none of us were around anymore to take revenge on. To do it properly, he had to bring us back.”
“So, his revenge was to restore Olympus with himself in charge?”
Stephanie shrugged her shoulders. “I guess.”
“Not to mention going all Nazi.”
She sighed. “Yeah, all of that’s a bit too Teutonic for me.”
By then we were headed toward a particular willow. Standing underneath it was Connie. Sitting at his feet with her arms crossed on her chest was Amanda. Both of them were blue and translucent just like everyone else wandering around the Meadows. “Hi,” I said.
“’Sup?” Connie said. His manner was aloof. Like seeing me and talking to me was inconvenient and unlooked for. Amanda said nothing.
I didn’t have a lot of time so smoothing over bruised egos wasn’t in the cards. “Look,” I said. “I’m sorry you’re both dead, but I need something. I may be able to set the status back to ‘quo’.”
Amanda looked up at Connie. “Don’t listen to her. When have any of Dora’s crazy schemes worked out well for us?” Then she shot me a venomous glance.
Connie looked down at his former business partner. “Strictly speaking, the fact we’re dead and hanging out doing nothing for eternity isn’t Dora’s fault.” He looked back at me. “Although my life was better before you came on the scene.”
“Of course it was better,” Amanda shot back. “Before she came along, you weren’t mixed up with my too-short, no-titty-having ass.”
Connie closed his eyes and sighed, sensing it might be better to cooperate and be done with it. “What can we do for you, Dora?”
“I need the key. Medea’s key.”
At that moment, Stephanie stepped forward. “Medea’s key? To the Tartarus gate?”
I turned to her briefly. “Believe me: you don’t wanna know.”
Amanda rested her forearms on her knees and put her chin down on top of them. She glowered forward, saying nothing. Connie looked mildly surprised. “You wanna let the Titans out? Wouldn’t that be the very definition of a bad idea?”
Stephanie took another step forward. “I think he might be right about that.”
I ignored her. “Trust me, Connie. What I’m planning… It may be the only way to set things right.”
“The Titans are bad. You know that, right?”
“Not if they can be controlled.”
Stephanie put her hand on my elbow. I shook it off. Connie laughed. “Controlled? You might just as well say, ‘I’m gonna control the weather’. You’re talking about elemental forces here. Who’s gonna control that? You? You can’t even control yourself.”
I recoiled, though I didn’t mean to.
Connie felt immediately guilty. “Alright, look, I’m sorry. That was out of line.”
“Always the charmer,” Amanda mumbled.
“I’m not going to control them,” I said. “I’ve got someone to do that for me.”
“Who? Who do you have that could possibly control the Titans?”
It was my turn to look around for spies. “I’m trying to keep this on the down-low, but Zeus. I’ve got Zeus.”
Stephanie came around me in a hurry. She was very concerned. “Oh, Dora, no. What’re you doing? Surely, you don’t think Zeus can help with this?”
“What do you mean?” I replied. “Why wouldn’t he be able to help? He’s fucking Zeus.”
“Have you spoken to him?” My hostess asked. “He’s a mess. He’s a ball of neuroses.”
Again, Amanda chimed in. “Birds of a feather,” she said, meaning me and the allfather.
I snapped at her. “Shut up, Amanda.” I turned back to Stephanie. “I have spoken to him, and, yes, he does seem a little fragile, but he was the one that staged the revolt against the Titans in the first place. He cut his way out of Cronus when he was just an infant. He’s still a badass.”
“Is he? Do you know what trait unites all badasses? Willpower. The drive to see things done. Zeus has lost that particular trait. And a badass without willpower is just… an ass. If you release the Titans, they’re going to roll right over him. Sure, they’ll tear down Olympus, but do you think they’ll stop there? The whole world will be a smoldering ruin.”
Connie interjected. “I don’t have a dog in this fight,” he said. “I’m already dead. But you should listen to her. It really, really sounds like she knows what she’s talking about.”
Before I could answer, Stephanie started talking again. “After we fucked off, we’d go to dinner sometimes. In small groups; sometimes in large. Zeus would invariably start making a fool of himself. Shouting. Crying. I saw him become inconsolable once because his steak was too well-done. All he does now is blubber and fuck. And he does a whole lot less of
the latter because almost no one wants to fuck a blubberer.”
“Does anyone care what I think?” Amanda said.
Connie, Stephanie and I all shouted “No!” before going back to our own conversation.
“Okay,” I said. “This is where I surrender the floor to suggestions. Prometheus is on top of Olympus which might very well be the most well-defended place on earth. It’s not like I can just sneak in there and put a gun to his head. I mean, if I had my pithos, I could suck him into it, but he’s got my pithos. Something’s gotta be done, and the whole Zeus-leads-the-Titans thing was my best idea.” I looked back and forth between Connie and Stephanie. Both of them looked away. Neither of them had a better idea.
“The key’s in a compartment on Hades’ throne. In the seat,” Connie said.
“There’s a compartment in the seat of Hades’ throne?”
“Sure,” Stephanie said. “We gotta have somewhere to store our wallets. Maybe a magazine.”
When Stephanie and I crested the stairs back into the hub, Hades was still on whatever dumb errand Stephanie had sent him on. I went over to the king of the Underworld’s throne and, sure enough, there was a flip-up panel in the seat. Inside it, I found Medea’s key and a copy of The Firm by John Grisham. I took the key and re-closed the compartment. “Hades is into legal thrillers?” I said.
“Yeah. He says they allow him to turn off his brain and just relax.”
“Mmm.” I climbed down off the base of the chair and turned toward the gate. As I went by her, Stephanie grabbed my shoulder.
“Before you turn that key in the lock, ask yourself, ‘Is this really my best option?’.”
I nodded. “I will,” I said. Although, I already knew it was my best option.
It took me a few minutes to find Zeus. He was chatting up a leggy shade in a short toga. “Come on,” I said. “We’re all set.” I walked away from him, giving him little choice but to surrender his would-be conquest and follow.
“All set to do what?” he said. “It’s time to spill the beans.”