by LK Chapman
‘I don’t know.’
Natalie paused. Rob really did look upset, and she softened a little. ‘Perhaps we should pretend tonight never happened,’ she suggested.
‘Will you tell Josh what we said?’
Natalie sighed. ‘That would make for an interesting atmosphere when we’re all at Mum and Dad’s for Christmas dinner.’
‘Nat, I’m serious,’ Rob said. ‘This is your whole future we’re talking about here – please just think about what we’ve said. And now you won’t have a job to go back to in the new year, I’m worried about you.’
‘Well, don’t be!’ Natalie said, angry again. ‘You and Verity, you’ve done more than enough today. If this is how you act when you’re supposedly on my side, I’d hate to see how you treat your enemies.’
Tears stung her eyes as she walked away. She shouldn’t have said that; they had been trying to help, even if they hadn’t gone about it very well. How can I tell Josh about this? It will kill him. But she had to tell him. She’d lied long enough. Her troll clearly wasn’t going to stop, and Josh needed to know about her job, too. As much as she hated to admit it, Verity was right that she shouldn’t have secrets.
Quietly opening the front door to the flat, she sighed as she hung up her coat and scarf. She should be happy to come back to her home – but she couldn’t relax here. She wasn’t safe in her home. The comments didn’t stop; in fact, the flat was where she usually ended up reading them. A wave of anger shook her to her core and she almost cried out. How dare someone make her feel like this? How dare someone take over her life this way, making her nervous to even look at her phone? And to have their nonsense get inside other people’s heads too – forcing her into confrontations like the one she’d just had with Rob and Verity – it was too much. It was just too much.
She made her way towards the living room, and paused in the doorway. Josh sat on the sofa, his head in his hands. He was crying. She rushed over to him. ‘Josh? Josh, what is it?’
He jumped at the sound of her voice. ‘Natalie!’ he said, rubbing at his face. ‘I didn’t hear you come in.’
‘What’s wrong?’ she said, putting her arms around him. ‘What’s happened?’
‘Nothing,’ he said. ‘Nothing. I’m fine.’
‘You’re not fine.’
‘Has it really stopped?’ he asked her after a long silence. ‘Has this person really stopped saying stuff about me and Mikayla?’
Natalie let go of him. I have to tell him the truth. But his voice was shaky, and she could smell alcohol on his breath. Had he spent the whole evening drinking and crying?
‘Tell me what you were upset about,’ she said. ‘Was it about Mikayla again? Because you know there’s nothing more you could have done. If you’d stayed in the water any longer trying to find her, you would have drowned.’
‘Sometimes I think that would have been better.’
‘Stop it!’ she said. ‘Don’t you dare say that! It wouldn’t be better for me, would it?’
‘I’m wrecking your life,’ he said, ‘I knew that I would. Wherever I go, whatever I try to do, this shit just follows me around. I can never get away from it.’
‘Well, I love you,’ she said, ‘and you’re stuck with me.’
‘Has it really stopped?’ he asked her. ‘I could just look myself, but I know it means a lot to you that I don’t see anything about your wedding dress. But I have to know.’ He looked at her closely. ‘It hasn’t stopped, has it?’
She took out her phone. ‘Here,’ she said, ‘I got these on my most recent post. It’s not about my dress, it’s just about bridal makeup. You can look at it.’
It’ll take more than makeup to make you look ok
No one likes an ugly bride
I hope you’re not having any wedding photos taken
Maybe you should put plastic surgery on your wedding list
why won’t you wake up and face the truth – Josh Sparkes is a murderer
Everyone can see the truth but you
maybe he’ll kill you next
‘Josh, listen to me,’ she said, as the colour drained from his face. ‘This person, or people, are clearly unhinged. It doesn’t mean anything.’
He handed her phone back to her without a word.
‘Say something,’ she said.
‘Why did Rob and Verity invite you round tonight? Just you and not me?’
She rubbed at her forehead. ‘They’re concerned about me. They don’t really know you, not like I do. They raised a few things, it was all a load of rubbish and I told them so–’
‘What kind of things?’
‘I don’t even want to waste my breath on it.’
‘They think I did it, don’t they? They think I hurt Mikayla.’ He stood up and strode over to the kitchen, where he planted his palms against the worktop and shook his head. ‘They really think I would do that?’
‘No. No, absolutely not,’ she said, rushing over to him and placing her arm around him. His body was tense, filled with pent up emotion. ‘They’re just worried. Rob’s my big brother – he wants to look out for me, that’s all.’
‘I can’t do this, Nat,’ he said.
‘What do you mean?’
‘I’m not good for you. It’s selfish of me to let you carry on being put through this.’
‘How is it selfish? Josh, I love you. I’m here because I want to be!’
‘And I love you! But you’re in pain, Natalie! I knew it must still be happening. I can’t let this carry on, I can’t drag you down with me–’
She covered his mouth with hers, and though he initially resisted, he soon started to kiss her back. ‘I love you,’ she said to him again, as they broke apart. ‘Don’t talk about leaving. Don’t let this drive a wedge between us.’
He kissed her gently. ‘I won’t. But I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I think about the lake all the time–’
‘I know,’ she said. ‘But we’re stronger if we face it together.’
He nodded, and she gave him a weak smile. ‘Josh…’ she started, intending to tell him about her job, too.
‘What is it?’ he asked, his eyes clouded with concern. His face was so drawn and tired, worry and sadness etching itself through his very skin.
She shook her head. ‘Nothing,’ she said. ‘It’ll keep.’
‘I just wish I’d never suggested that we go to the lake,’ he said. ‘If I could somehow tell myself all those years ago not to ever suggest it, if I could make it so none of it ever happened–’
‘I know,’ she said, holding him close. ‘I know, Josh.’
But he didn’t seem to hear her.
Two months before Mikayla’s death
Josh
26
‘Toby’s still in bed,’ Josh said, as Mikayla looked up from her phone. She was standing a few paces from his and Toby’s house, leaning against a lamp post, dressed in jeans and a tight white t-shirt. Her eyes fell on him, so big and wide.
She’s so pretty I feel like I’m going to die.
‘He’s what?’
‘He was asleep when I left. Was he supposed to be meeting you?’
Mikayla made a sound of disgust and put her phone away. ‘His loss,’ she said.
‘He’s an idiot.’
She looked at him closely. ‘I don’t like how he treats you,’ she said. ‘I kind of fell out with him a couple of days ago over him being a dick towards people.’
‘I can handle it,’ Josh said, though nothing could be further from the truth.
Mikayla seemed unsure whether to tell him something. ‘Josh…’ she said, ‘your friend Gareth–’
‘I know. He told me. He didn’t want me to hear about it from Toby.’
Josh had heard all about it from Toby as well, though. He’d delighted in telling him that Gareth’s mum was ‘batshit crazy’, and that his house was a dump. Josh had tried to ignore him, but when it became intolerable and he finally told Toby to shut up, Toby had given him a
thump before saying that he should call social services and try to get Gareth taken away, the idea of which he apparently found hilarious.
‘We should probably tell someone he’s living like that,’ Mikayla said.
Josh shuffled his feet uncomfortably. He hadn’t seen inside Gareth’s house yet, and he wasn’t sure Gareth would let him. ‘I don’t want to do anything behind his back,’ he said, and cast about for a change of subject. ‘So, are you and Toby going to make up, do you think? I’d never just stay in bed if I was supposed to be meeting someone.’
Mikayla sighed, and started to walk down the road towards town. It wasn’t where Josh wanted to go, but he fell into step with her anyway. ‘I don’t know,’ she said finally.
‘He … I don’t think he should stand you up. It’s not right.’
Mikayla smiled at him. ‘You’re sweet.’
His face filled with heat. Stupidly, he reached out his hand and his fingers lightly brushed her arm.
‘Josh, what are you–’
‘I really like you,’ he blurted out.
She looked at him kindly. For God’s sake. She’s the same age as me, but she makes me feel like a stupid little kid. ‘I suspected you did,’ she told him. ‘But I’m with Toby. And even if I wasn’t…’ She paused. ‘I didn’t mean that how it sounded. You’re just not my type, Josh. I’m sorry.’
Not my type. Why wasn’t he her type? Was he too weird? Too ugly? Too boring? Too young? Too everything. And she was too perfect.
‘I am a bit worried about Gareth,’ she said. ‘He was stealing stuff in town. He’s going to get caught one day.’
‘Yeah, he told me about that too.’
‘Well, you’re his friend. You should keep an eye on him.’
Josh felt a stab of irritation. Of course he’d keep an eye on Gareth. He’d been on his way to meet him right now, before he’d started following Mikayla in the wrong direction.
‘I’d better…’ she said.
‘Yeah.’ Josh’s entire body was on fire with embarrassment. Why on earth had he told Mikayla how he felt? He must have sounded absolutely ridiculous. She was probably struggling to keep a straight face.
‘Don’t let Toby get to you,’ she said. ‘I don’t know what goes on in his head. I’d never treat my little sister like he treats you. Yeah, she can be a pain in the arse sometimes but if anyone tried to hurt her…’
Josh didn’t reply. What could he say? Toby was never going to change.
‘Well, see you,’ she said, and turned in a swish of shiny black hair.
He stood for a moment and watched her walk away, then made his way back towards the park where he was meeting Gareth.
***
‘You told Mikayla you like her!’ Gareth said, as they sat down on the grass. Thankfully, the council had finally decided to refurbish the depressing playground across from their spot on the grass verge, and it was closed for the moment. Josh was glad that Gemma would have a nice new place to play now – it would be fun to bring her here once the work was finished. He tried to think about that instead of his excruciating conversation with Mikayla, but Gareth wouldn’t drop it. ‘How did that work out?’ he asked.
‘Bad. Really bad,’ Josh said.
Gareth nodded philosophically. ‘Well, maybe it’ll mean you can move on now. Perhaps you got it out of your system.’
Josh thought of Mikayla’s eyes, fringed by thick dark lashes, the way she smiled, the way he’d been able to see all her curves in her tight jeans and that white t-shirt.
‘I guess not, then,’ Gareth said, his voice breaking through Josh’s thoughts.
‘What?’
‘You’re daydreaming about her right now.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me before about your house? And your mum?’
‘It’s … I don’t know. I just couldn’t.’
‘You couldn’t even tell me?’
‘I kind of wanted to. I wanted to say you could stay some nights, when you were worried about going home with Toby. I felt really shit that I couldn’t help.’
‘Is it really that bad?’
‘Whatever you’re imagining, it’s worse.’
‘Mikayla thinks we should tell somebody about it.’
‘She thinks you should do what?’
‘Well, is it safe in there? In your house?’
Gareth appeared lost in thought for a moment. ‘It’s just stuff,’ he said. ‘It doesn’t bite.’
Josh nodded. Leaning back on his elbows, he picked at the grass, releasing a humid green scent. For a brief second it transported him back to sunny childhood days spent playing in the buttercup and daisy studded field beside his primary school. There had been no Toby back then, nothing to hurt him. Life had been so simple. An idea popped into his head. ‘Hey, so, after the exams, why don’t we do something in the summer?’
‘Like what?’
‘There’s a campsite at Chedford Lake. It might be kind of cool to go there for a couple of nights. I’ve got a tent at home we could take.’
‘A camping trip?’
‘Why not? It gets you away from your house. And me away from mine.’
‘Yeah, I guess.’ Gareth laughed. ‘You’re not going to want to show your face too much now you’ve confessed your love to Mikayla.’
‘Shut up!’
‘Come on, it’ll be okay,’ Gareth said. ‘She’s actually pretty different to what I thought. I got kind of pissed at her when she ran into me in town, and she’s a bit nosy and annoying, but I think she actually cares, in a way. I think she’s all right.’
Josh considered it. ‘Yeah. She said she doesn’t like how Toby treats people.’
‘She’s still going out with him, though. Even though she knows he’s an arsehole.’
‘Maybe not for much longer. He stood her up this morning. I don’t think she’ll put up with crap like that.’
***
He couldn’t sleep. Toby was breathing heavily on the bed above him, while Josh writhed around, images of Mikayla haunting him. Sometimes he’d start slipping into dreams, but in his dreams she would be there; he’d be kissing her, his arms wrapped around her body. Her skin was so warm, and she was so beautiful. And then she’d take off that white t-shirt. For God’s sake, just think about something else. But he couldn’t think about anything else. His pulse thundered in his ears, and he got out of bed and crept down the hall to the bathroom.
‘I hope you weren’t wanking over Mikayla,’ Toby said when he came back inside.
Josh froze, and Toby laughed.
‘You’re gross, Josh.’
‘I just didn’t feel well,’ he mumbled. It was kind of true. He felt hot and feverish, and doing the thing Toby had just said barely seemed to have reduced the tension and frustration inside him.
‘She told me what you said to her.’
Wait, what?
‘We made up earlier. And it’s true what they say about make-up sex being the best.’
Josh got back into bed and pulled the covers up over his head. Mikayla had told Toby that he’d said he liked her? After all she’d said about not liking how Toby treated him?
‘I almost feel sorry for you that you’ll never know what I’m talking about,’ Toby continued. ‘Almost.’
Josh rolled over onto his front and put the pillow over his head. Shut up, Toby. Just shut up, shut up! If there was one good thing, though, talking to Toby had broken the spell of his feverish, lustful dreams about Mikayla, and eventually he began to drift off to sleep.
Me and Gareth will get away for a few days soon. We’ll leave all of this shit behind.
Natalie
27
For a brief moment, Natalie considered turning around and getting back in her car as she approached the steps of Hartbury Hotel. What had she been thinking? Could she really consider working here? But when she’d seen the job advertised – for a part time event manager, with a significant rise in salary from being Verity’s assistant – she hadn’t been able to resist ap
plying. She could really spread her wings here and challenge herself. There was no way she could progress in Verity’s business, and a fresh challenge would be good. Invigorating.
But now she was here, standing at the glass door beyond which she could glimpse the newly renovated reception, memories of her previous visit to the hotel flooded back. Toby was overbearing and officious – in fact, he was downright abusing his authority when it came to Chantelle, and no doubt some of his other female staff. Surely he would know better than to try anything with her – but would the environment be too toxic? Maybe I could help, though. Perhaps with me here, keeping an eye on him, he’d rein himself in a bit.
She reached for the door, then let her hand drop to her side again. For God’s sake! I have to make up my mind. Josh concerned her, too. She still hadn’t managed to tell him about the job. They’d had Christmas to get through, and she hadn’t wanted to rock the boat. She sensed that he’d think her job loss was also his fault – especially as he knew they’d lost clients once because of the stupid allegations. It would be best to tell him once she already had a different job lined up. But was Toby’s hotel really the answer?
Before she could finally make up her mind whether to go inside for her interview, the decision was made for her. Toby burst out from somewhere behind the reception desk and strode across to the door. She’d have to go in before he wondered why she was lurking around outside on a chilly January morning, sleet beginning to settle on her hair.
‘Natalie,’ he said. ‘I wasn’t sure if it could really be you when I read your application.’
‘It would be a bit of a coincidence to have another Natalie Woodrough who works at Verity’s Events,’ she said with a laugh. She followed him inside and looked around at the new decor. The dark old-fashioned colours had been replaced with elegant sage-green walls, complemented by framed botanical prints. A huge light-fitting of curling ivory stems and leaves dominated the room and Natalie paused to admire it. ‘You’ve really done a great job in here,’ she said.
‘Good, isn’t it?’ Toby said smugly. ‘Cost a bit. And I had a few clashes with the designer–’ He paused. ‘Probably shouldn’t say that if you’re looking to work here. I’m a pussycat really. Right, Angelique?’ he called over to the reception desk, where an immaculately dressed woman around Natalie’s age flashed a smile. ‘That’s right,’ she said, her voice carrying the merest hint of sarcasm along with her slight French accent. She turned back to her screen. ‘A pussycat.’