by LK Chapman
‘Okay, well, as long as you’re all right,’ Gareth said. ‘Where are you? It doesn’t sound like you’re at home.’
‘I’m not. I’ve just been walking.’
‘I’ll come and get you as soon as I can. It shouldn’t be too long. Just tell me where you’ll wait for me.’
After the call ended, Josh sat silently, staring at the railway bridge. He could almost hear the train thundering by below his head, and feel the air rushing by. He lost himself in dark memories until finally he turned at the sound of his friend’s footsteps. ‘Gareth, I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I’ve dragged you out in the middle of the night–’
‘I offered to come, you didn’t tell me to. And I don’t mind helping.’ Gareth sat down beside him. ‘Josh, this is just a really rough patch right now. It might feel like it’s going on forever, but it won’t. It’ll get better.’
‘I hope you’re right,’ Josh said.
‘I am right. You just need to go home. Get some rest.’
Back at the flat, Josh unlocked the door uneasily. He hadn’t wanted to come home – not to the place where there was a ghost of Natalie around every corner. Gareth followed him inside, and Josh was glad to have him there. He wouldn’t have been able to hold it together if he’d arrived back on his own. He swayed slightly and clutched at the wall, weak and dizzy, his legs like jelly.
‘When did you last eat or drink anything?’ Gareth asked.
‘I don’t know. Just some water when I was at the police station.’
‘Right. I’ll make you a sandwich.’
Josh was about to say he could do it himself, but the words died on his lips. Even doing something as simple as making a sandwich felt out of reach right now. When Gareth went into the kitchen he let out an exclamation of surprise, and Josh rushed to his side.
‘Josh,’ he said, ‘what – what is this?’
Josh stepped closer reluctantly, afraid to see whatever it was Gareth had found. When his eyes fell on the bizarre display, he stepped back in horror. All the knives had been removed from the knife block, and placed in a circle around a photo of him and Natalie, taken from a frame in the living room. Natalie’s face was scratched out.
‘I know you’re angry about Natalie,’ Gareth said, ‘but stuff like this isn’t going to help.’
‘I didn’t do it,’ Josh said automatically. But then he paused. It was in his flat. Who the hell else could have done it? He could barely remember what he’d done before heading to the police station – there was every chance he could have done it. Just like all the other stuff he’d done and then forgotten. He picked up each knife and thrust it quickly back into the knife block. As he picked up the defaced image of Natalie, his fingers shook, and he threw it unsteadily in the bin.
‘What’s happening to me, Gareth?’ he said.
Gareth looked up from buttering bread. ‘Well, for one thing you’re hungry.’
Josh let out a hollow laugh. ‘Hungry? That’s what you think my problem is?’
‘Right now, yes. You’re not going to figure anything out on an empty stomach, are you? Go and sit down. Then you need to eat this, and go to bed. I’ll come back and see you again in the morning.’
‘Gareth?’ Josh said.
‘Yeah?’
‘Thank you.’
Gareth shrugged as if it was no big deal. ‘I know you’d do the same for me,’ he said. ‘And besides, I’ve got something that will cheer you up. I’ll show you.’
‘What is it?’ Josh asked. He wasn’t particularly hopeful, but Gareth’s eyes were glittering with mischief and even through his state of numb despair he was slightly curious.
‘Turns out,’ Gareth said, ‘that Toby isn’t as squeaky clean as he likes everybody to think. He has a profile on Hearts.’ To prove it, he took out his phone and showed Josh Toby’s profile.
Josh groaned. ‘Is that it? That’s what will cheer me up? He’s probably just window shopping. It doesn’t exactly present him in the best light, but I’m sure plenty of people do it.’
‘He is not just window shopping. He is well behind the window. Handling the merchandise.’
‘So he’s cheating on Jodie?’
‘If that’s his wife, then, yeah.’
‘Why would that cheer me up?’ Josh asked.
‘I don’t know. I guess I’m just trying to make you see that you’re not the bad guy, Josh. Other people do bad stuff. And I mean actually do it, not just thinking they do it.’
Josh sighed. ‘If you say so,’ he said. ‘I’m just tired, Gareth. I’m so, so tired.’
***
A sound woke him, and he sat bolt upright on the sofa. He looked around him – it must be morning – the first light of dawn beginning to creep through the curtains. The knock came again, and he got to his feet, exclaiming in surprise as something smashed. His sandwich plate had fallen on the floor. He must have gone to sleep with it still on his lap.
‘I’m coming, I’m coming,’ he said, as there was a third knock.
When he saw who it was, he tried to close the door again, but Toby put his foot in the way.
‘You’re here,’ Toby said. ‘I was worried you would still be at the station.’
‘They didn’t take me seriously.’
‘Of course they didn’t,’ Toby said. ‘You don’t remember hurting her. Because you didn’t do it.’
‘If you’ve come to tell me I’m crazy, you can save your breath,’ Josh said. ‘I know I need to get help.’
‘No, I didn’t come to say that. I came to tell you the opposite. I think there is something going on here. And I think I know who’s behind it all.’
Josh was so taken aback that he let Toby inside.
‘Let’s go and sit down,’ Toby said. He paused and looked more closely at Josh. ‘You don’t look well.’
‘I don’t think I’ve been well for a while.’ Sighing, he let Toby follow him through to the living room. ‘What is this about, Toby?’ He didn’t believe for a second that his stepbrother really had anything useful to tell him. He’d probably just come to rub more salt into Josh’s wounds.
Toby looked around at the mess in the darkened living room, and strode across to open the curtains. Josh sank down onto the sofa and winced at the bright light. Outside it was a sunny, crisp February morning. The daffodil bulbs in Natalie’s planters on the roof terrace now had fat buds that would soon burst into a riot of cheery yellow. He turned away from the sight. He didn’t want sun. He wanted to stay in his pit.
‘You know Natalie came to work at the hotel?’
‘Yes,’ Josh said. He could hardly have forgotten.
‘It was all an act. She thinks I framed you for posting all that stuff on her vlog. She thinks I know something about Mikayla’s death, or even that I might have had a hand in it, and she’s been trying to find evidence.’
Josh sat bolt upright. Natalie had been helping him? He couldn’t let himself believe it. But if it was true, where was she? Why had she lied to him?
‘She had to make you think it was really over between you to make sure I believed it,’ Toby said, as if he’d heard Josh’s unspoken questions. ‘I think she was hoping either that she could get me to tell her something, or that she’d stumble across some kind of evidence. I found her in my house last night, rooting through old photos of Chedford Lake. I – I got pretty mad at her. She was threatening to tell Jodie–’ Toby paused. ‘I was – I’m not particularly proud of myself for this – but I was hoping something might happen between me and Natalie. She said she’d tell Jodie about it, and I was scared. I tried to stop her, and she ran away, terrified. It’s crazy, but she seems to think I’m some kind of murderer.’
Josh was speechless, his eyes fixed on Toby. Was this some sort of joke? Or a trick? Natalie had been prepared to put herself through all of this for him? It couldn’t be true. But Toby wouldn’t lie – not about this. Not when it showed him in such a negative light.
‘Where did she go after she ran from you?’
‘I don’t care about that right now!’ Josh said. ‘Where is Natalie? What did she do, after she left you? Did she go to the police?’
‘I have no idea. I’m sorry.’
‘Then what do you mean about knowing who is behind everything? Is Natalie in danger?’
‘I don’t know,’ Toby said helplessly. ‘It really depends on what she did next. On where she went, and who she spoke to.’
63
Josh jumped as his phone started to ring, and he was surprised to see it was Rob. He answered tentatively, his fear growing as he listened.
‘Natalie’s bed wasn’t slept in last night,’ Josh told Toby once he’d ended the call. His words came out sounding hollow and frightened. ‘He said she packed a suitcase but she just left it in the house and went out somewhere. And now her phone is off. So you’d better tell me everything you think you know, Toby.’
Toby looked at him closely. ‘Can you really not see it for yourself?’ he said at last. ‘Who’s the other person who has been involved in this whole thing? Who told you about me and Mikayla splitting up?’
‘Gareth?’ Josh said. ‘That makes no sense. I know you hate him, but–’
‘Listen to me!’ Toby said. ‘I know there’s something not right about him. You haven’t seen the side of him that I have. When he came and threatened me after Mikayla died, saying he would go to the police about me if I didn’t agree to leave you alone, he was being really weird. He was asking me what I thought it would have felt like for her when she drowned. He seemed really fascinated by it.’
‘He had a difficult childhood. How do you think you would end up, if you’d been through what he had?’
‘You’re not hearing me!’ Toby said. ‘Why was he so keen to throw the spotlight back onto me when all of this came up again, telling you that Mikayla broke up with me?’
‘Because he was trying to show me that it wasn’t me! This is crazy, and it’s not fair on Gareth. I mean, he hardly knew Mikayla, so he can’t have been involved. It’s laughable.’ Suddenly, Josh felt utterly furious. ‘You hate him because when he was around, bullying me never seemed to work out so well. But for most of my life Gareth has been the person – the only person who gave a shit about me!’
‘And that’s what this is about, is it?’ Toby said, his voice rising too. ‘You’re not going to listen to me even when I might be able to help Natalie, just because I gave you a hard time when we were teenagers?’
‘A hard–’ Josh stopped, speechless. Was that all he thought it was?
‘All right, look, I know it was a bit more than that.’
‘A bit?’
Toby’s face began to redden. ‘What is it you want me to say? Fine. I made your life hell. I know I did.’
‘I almost died.’
‘And I said sorry.’
‘No, you didn’t. You came to the hospital and you said, “I didn’t think you’d really do it.”’
Toby looked taken aback for a moment. ‘Is that all I said?’
‘Yes. I can remember it like it was yesterday.’
‘I … okay, I guess at the time I thought that was an apology. But Josh, we don’t have time for this right now. This is about Nat, and I have a really bad feeling–’
‘If you had anything sensible to say about Nat, I’d listen. This is just a hunch, based on nothing more than the fact you don’t like Gareth. I’m going to go out and look for Natalie. You can help me if you want. Or not.’
‘Did Rob say anything about where he thought she might be?’ Toby asked. ‘Anyone she could have talked to?’
‘You mean did she go and see Gareth?’
Toby’s silence was enough to answer that question, and Josh lost his temper again. ‘Just go!’ he shouted. ‘I don’t want your apology, not that you’ve really given one. I don’t want you pretending you care all of a sudden. You’ve already told me the first thing on your mind after hearing Natalie left me was getting her into bed. Just leave me alone!’
Toby stood up. ‘Gareth is not who you think he is,’ he said, his face reddening. ‘The guy is weird, Josh! He’s wired all wrong. He doesn’t have anyone’s best interests at heart, no one’s except his own.’
‘You’re a fine one to talk about that! When have you ever given a shit about anyone else? You’re even cheating on Jodie!’
‘Me and Natalie, it wasn’t real, we never–’
‘I’m not talking about that! I’ve seen your profile on Hearts.’
Toby was stunned for a second, and Josh expected him to bluster his way through a denial. Instead, he nodded slowly as though another piece of the puzzle had slotted into place. ‘On Hearts?’
‘Yes.’
‘And who owns Hearts, Josh? Who could have made that profile, shown it to you, and then deleted it, so that you end up sounding even crazier than everyone already thinks you are?’
In a fit of anger, Josh got to his feet and faced Toby, his hands itching to give him a shove. ‘I am not letting you do this!’ he shouted. ‘Gareth has always tried to help me. He couldn’t do anything more for me if he tried.’
‘And you think he’s got nothing back? What about all the free labour he got you to do on Hearts? I know it was basically you that built that thing. And what have you ever got for it?’
‘I don’t want anything! He’s offered. He’s tried to give me money more times than I can remember, and I always tell him no. I’m not having this conversation with you. I trust Gareth completely. One hundred per cent.’
‘You’re wrong, Josh,’ Toby said slowly. ‘You’re wrong about me not giving a shit about anyone. No matter what you might think – and God knows I’ve given you enough reasons to doubt it – but I do give a shit about you. Look, Gareth isn’t the only one who had a bad childhood. I know you did too, once I was in your life, but things had been bad for me as well, for years. My parents were at each other’s throats for as long as I can remember. They were toxic for each other, constantly arguing. My dad – well, I mean, you know what he was like. He always tried to be reasonable, and fair, but my mum would just push his buttons. Then all of a sudden he was leaving, he wanted to be with your mum. He was supposed to be the one who held everything together, and then you came along and tore everything apart!’
Josh was too shocked by his outburst to react straight away. ‘Toby–’ he started.
‘I don’t know why, but I decided it was your fault. I couldn’t really punish my dad, or your mum, or my mum. They were adults. They were untouchable. But I could punish you. I could control your life, the way I couldn’t control anything in mine. It made me feel powerful. I – I liked it.’ Toby paused briefly. ‘I spent so long telling myself that I hated you and I wanted you to just go away – even though it made no sense. It wouldn’t have made anything better if you went away. But there was nothing logical about it. And then I gave you those pills, and you took them, and I thought you might actually die–’ His voice caught. ‘I was in tears when I found you passed out in our room and called the ambulance. It wasn’t Gareth’s stupid blackmail that made me stop hassling you. It was because I didn’t want you to be gone. It was because I saw what I’d done, and I was so ashamed. I couldn’t – I never wanted to talk about it. I wanted to pretend it never happened.’
‘So you let me carry on being the one who is cut out of the family. Better not invite Josh to things, because it’s too awkward.’
Toby couldn’t meet his eye.
‘I’ve lost out on so much. But I’ve accepted it. I’ve accepted that there’s nothing I can do to change any of it. I’ve accepted my family want nothing to do with me. Even Gemma, and you know how much I cared about her.’
There was a long silence before Toby spoke again. ‘Gemma still asks about you, you know. Even though you left for uni when she was little, she remembers spending time with
you before that.’
‘She does?’
‘Yes. And I’m not going to be selfish enough to ask you to forgive me. If I was you I wouldn’t forgive me. I’ve tried to say I’m sorry, and I guess this is my one last shot at it. I really am sorry, Josh. And if you never want to see me again, that’s up to you.’ He walked up to Josh so that they were face to face. ‘But please, if there’s one thing you’ll let me do for you, believe what I am saying about Gareth. I think he has some other agenda here. I don’t think he’s on your side.’
64
Josh walked away and opened the doors to the roof terrace, welcoming the cool blast of air as his mind reeled from everything that had been said. When he glanced back over his shoulder Toby was clearly impatient, striding around the flat until he stopped by the sofa and bent down to pick up the pieces of broken plate with an irritable sigh. Josh stepped back inside and closed the doors, before trying Natalie’s number. Her phone was still off and fear rippled through him, but still he couldn’t bring himself to take Toby’s accusation seriously.
‘Look, Gareth has done nothing but try to help through all of this,’ he said, as Toby stood and dumped the pieces of plate he’d collected down on the coffee table. ‘He came and picked me up late last night after the police let me go, and he stayed until I fell asleep. I don’t know what I would have done without him.’
‘Or,’ Toby said, ‘or he’s trying to stay close to the situation. Making sure he knows exactly what’s going on.’
‘Why?’ Josh said. ‘Gareth had nothing to do with Mikayla! That’s completely insane.’
‘Well, why was he sneaking around following me and Mikayla that morning?’
‘He just did it for a laugh,’ Josh said. ‘He wasn’t exactly your biggest fan either. I think he thought it would be funny to overhear you arguing. And besides, have you ever really explained what you did after Mikayla broke up with you? Does anyone know?’