by Lisa Olsen
“What about the one you dated?”
“I didn’t date her exactly, it was more of a hook up. And I sure as hell never thought she looked like…” His face twisted in disgust and he sprawled on the couch in her sitting room, stunned at the implication. “Jesus, do you know how many blondes there are in L.A.?”
“You can see why it looks a little weird though, right?” she said gently.
“It’s sick, is what it is. I don’t just go for chicks who look like my sister used to, you know. You look nothing like her.”
“We dated a long time ago.”
“Okay, what about Veronica?” he said with a triumphant snap of the fingers.
“She’s not a blonde.”
“Veronica… like Nick’s Veronica?” Annaliese’s brow crumpled in confusion. “What does she have to do with this?”
“She… nothing.” He shook his head. “I still don’t get why you’re leaving. What changed?”
“Nothing,” she answered quickly. Too quickly. She had to say something. “But after that stunt you pulled last night, I admit I’m a little uneasy.”
“What stunt? I didn’t touch you last night.”
“No, but waking up to you looming over my bed in the middle of the night was a tad disconcerting.”
He stared at her in shock. “I was in your room? Last night?”
“Don’t you remember?” Was he sleepwalking at the time? She wasn’t sure if she should be relieved or more disturbed by his denial, but Jax looked distraught enough for the both of them.
“Fuck.” He pushed himself to his feet, unable to meet her gaze. “You’re right, I should probably be the one to go. You shouldn’t have to leave your own house.”
“Wait, Jackson…” There was something, she could tell, something he didn’t want to tell her. “What’s going on?”
“There is… this is messed up, you’re going to think I’m nuts.”
“What do you mean? What is it?”
“I don’t even know how to say this.” He sank back down on the couch again, holding his head in his hands. “I haven’t told anyone, not even Ruby.”
Anna approached him warily, sitting on the edge of the coffee table. “You know you can trust me with anything.”
“That’s just it, I trust you, but I don’t know how to tell you. I’m, I’ve been… I’ve been blacking out, missing time.”
“What do you mean, blacking out? Like passing out from too much to drink?”
“It used to be just from having too much to drink, but lately I’ve been trying hard to lay off the stuff. You saw me last night, I didn’t tie one on, just a few sips of whiskey to be sociable.”
It was true, he hadn’t been bent on getting drunk, though she had no idea how much he’d had after she went to bed.
“All I had that night was a single shot of whiskey to help me sleep, but… I don’t remember getting into bed. I don’t remember anything after sitting on the couch in the hotel. The next thing I knew it was morning, and I was in bed, naked, and Gideon was pounding on the door for me to get up for the interview.”
“You blacked out on the night of the murder?” A tingling started at the base of her spine, going all the way up to the top of her head. He couldn’t be saying what she thought he was saying.
Jax got a good look at her face and his hands came out in a supplicating gesture. “I swear to God, I didn’t kill those girls. It makes me sick just to think about it. You have to believe me. Jesus, don’t look at me like that, Anna. This is exactly why I didn’t want to tell anyone. If it was me, wouldn’t I leave behind some kind of clue?”
The sheer panic in his voice helped cut through some of the fear. “No, it’s just… it’s a lot to take in all at once. That’s all that happens though – you go to sleep and wake up in bed?”
“Mostly. Though once I woke up in my car. It was in the garage and I don’t think I actually drove anywhere, but it still scared the hell out of me.”
“Does it only happen on nights when a murder occurs?”
“No, like last night, nothing else happened as far as I know. Neither did the night with the car. I wish to God I could remember what happens, but it’s this big black pit of nothingness. I swear though, I could never kill anyone, Anna.”
The look on his face – he was so earnest, so tortured, it tore at her heart despite the disturbing things coming out of his mouth. “I believe you,” she said at last, and he sank back against the couch, chest heaving in relief. “There might be a way I can help you.”
“How?”
“We can try and recover what you’re missing during those blackouts.”
“How? With some kind of hypnosis? It’s not a bad idea, but can you do that? I don’t want to go see anyone else. The last thing I need is for something like this to leak to the press.”
“No, more like a guided meditation. The answers are locked away inside of you, we just have to try and tap into them.”
“What if we find out something bad? What if I go into that state again and I… What if I try to hurt you?”
His concern made her sure she was making the right decision. “It’s alright, I can take care of myself.” With a comforting pat to his arm, Annaliese rose and gathered the things she’d need for the meditation. Nothing too involved, but she wanted to bring in as many positive influences as she could.
The small cauldron and a charcoal disc, a bracelet of amber she’d bought at an estate sale years ago. Orris root and celery seed to burn as incense. Damiana was right out, though it could be useful. After what had happened with Nick the first time they’d tried the pendulum to find Mei’s killer, she was extra careful about what other properties an herb might have before she used it. The last thing she needed was to end up making out with Jax in the middle of his meditation.
“I think we have everything we need. Why don’t you come and join me on the floor?” she invited, setting her supplies beside her. Jax folded himself to the floor, bare feet touching hers, an uneasy smile on his face as she wrapped the amber bracelet around his wrist. It barely fit.
“It’s kind of girly, but thanks,” he said with a lopsided grin.
“Amber can aid in spells to recover lost memories, curbing eccentric behavior and anxiety. I’d say this qualifies as a good reason to keep it close at hand.”
“You’re going to work a spell?” His brows came up in surprise. “I thought we were going to meditate.”
Anna recognized the skepticism, well used to it. “I’m going to align things as best I can, sort of set the stage to help you access those memories.”
“I don’t believe in any of that stuff, you know.”
“It’s okay. You don’t have to,” she smiled, cupping her hand over the cauldron. After a moment’s concentration, the charcoal disc inside began to smolder and burn.
“Holy shit! Did you just…”
“I told you I can take care of myself.” Anna gave him a few minutes to recover from the display of power, letting the disc burn long enough to be covered in a coat of white ash before she added a pinch of incense. The acrid tang spiced the air, but not uncomfortably so, the large room easily accommodating the smoke.
There were unspoken questions between them. Most people had them when they found out about her affinity for fire, but she left them for another time, wanting to focus on the meditation and nothing else. Picking up both of his hands, she took a deep breath. “I want you to close your eyes and clear your mind, forget all the questions, all the worries, all the fears. You’re in a safe space where nothing can harm you.”
“You want me to find my happy place?” he smirked.
“Yes, that’s it exactly. Whatever that means to you, it should be a place of peace and love. Fix that image in your mind. Do you have it?”
“Yes.”
“Tell me about it.”
“It’s in the woods, up by a remote lake.”
“Your uncle’s cabin,” she said, surprised by the memory, and his lips curved in
response to her tone.
“You remember it.”
“I do. That’s very good, Jackson. I want you to picture yourself by the lake. The sun is warm on your skin, not unpleasantly so. You take in a deep cleansing breath and you feel alive and revitalized.” She took a deep, audible breath, pleased to see his chest rise and fall with her. “And another. Good. Breathe in light and love, exhale all negativity. You are open and at peace.”
He breathed with her, his features relaxing, shoulders losing some of their tension.
“Do you feel at peace?” she asked in a soft voice.
“Yes, very peaceful.”
“Good. Now, I want you to hold on to that feeling of peace, but you notice the sky is growing darker. There is nothing to be alarmed about, the darkness is a natural state and the light will always return. Breathe in and out, and in your happy place, you will close your eyes. You can still feel the warmth the sun left behind, but you are enveloped by the darkness. Sink deeper and deeper into it, knowing you are not lost. I am there with you, keeping you safe from harm. Can you feel my hands in yours?”
Jax gave her hands the tiniest squeeze. “I feel them. I don’t want to go into the dark.” He sounded like a lost little boy, and Annaliese did her best to reassure him.
“The darkness can’t harm you. Even though it surrounds you, it is not a part of you. Even as you let the darkness seep into your mind’s eye, your heart is protected by light and love. Can you feel that love?” This time she squeezed his hands.
“Yes, I do.”
“I want you to think back to the last time you were aware of losing time, let yourself drift deeper into the darkness, knowing you are safe and I can always pull you back to me in a heartbeat. Are you drifting?”
“Yes.”
“Good, very good, Jackson, you’re safe with me. Now open your eyes and tell me what you see.”
Even though she’d only expected him to open his eyes within the construct of the meditation, Jax’s eyes popped open, staring straight ahead and sightless. “I see a room, it’s dark and dirty. I don’t like it here, I want to leave.”
“The room can’t hurt you,” she assured him, keeping her voice soft and soothing even as she felt a rush of success. “Just watch a while longer. Is it your room?”
“No, it’s nothing but a bed and a cheap dresser. The curtains at the window are closed up tight, I don’t know where it is.”
“Are you alone?”
“No, there’s a girl on the bed. She’s asleep.”
“What does she look like? Do you recognize her?”
“She’s blonde, and young, I don’t know who she is. She’s in nothing but a pair of pink panties, I shouldn’t look at her. No… no, don’t touch her,” he hissed, as though he could affect what he was seeing.
“Who’s touching her?”
“I am. I don’t mean to, but my hands are turning her over. I can’t feel her, but I can’t stop myself.” His breathing became more erratic and Annaliese squeezed his hands gently.
“It’s okay, take a deep breath with me, in and out.” He did as she asked and his breathing got easier, the pucker of worry fading from his brow. “What do you mean you can’t feel her?”
“I don’t want to be here,” he protested, ignoring the question. “Let me come home, I want to go to my happy place.”
“Jackson, it’s alright, breathe with me.”
“No, it’s not alright. There’s a… no… no, no, no, don’t, I can’t… Jesus, don’t make me!”
Chapter Twenty-Six
“What do you see? What’s happening?” The panic in his voice sent her heart racing into overdrive.
“I’m cutting into her, with a razor blade. I can’t make it stop, she… she’s bleeding.” His face twisted with anguish, the terror in his voice chilling her even beyond the horror of the words themselves.
“It’s okay, Jackson, calm down and breathe with me.” Anna tried her best to soothe him. “Why are you cutting her?”
His voice was calmer now, more detached and she wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. “I don’t know. I don’t want to, but I can’t make my hands obey me. I feel wrong, everything is wrong.”
“How do you feel wrong?” It all felt wrong to her too. This wasn’t what she’d been expecting at all, and it sickened her to keep her hands in his.
“I don’t feel like me. I don’t… No… stop it! Shit, she’ll die!” Jax gripped her hands so tightly her fingers crushed together in pain, but she forced herself to ignore the sting and pull him out of it.
“Come to me, Jackson. Come back to the light. Come to the sound of my voice, I’ll keep you safe from harm.” Instead of leading him back to the light, she felt herself pulled into the darkness. In a sudden flash, she saw what he saw – the dingy motel room, the nearly naked girl stretched out on the bed, bleeding from the wrist and the mark carved into her hip. Her hands trembled, covered in cheap disposable gloves, a razor blade falling from her limp fingers as she stared down at the blood flowing in rivulets onto the grimy bedspread.
All at once Jax let go of her hands and Annaliese slammed back into the present, fingers numb and tingling as she dragged in a labored breath.
“What the fuck was that?” Jax demanded.
“It was a vision,” Anna replied, her voice hoarse and dry. “It’s happened to me before, but I’ve never shared one with another person like that.”
“You saw it too?” His face crumpled in shame.
“I saw something. Not all of it, I only got a flash of it at the end.”
Jax’s head fell forward into his hands, shoulders shaking as the horror of what’d he’d seen sank in. “Jesus Christ, what have I done?” he wailed, the broken sound muffled by the press of his fingers.
Despite what she’d seen and heard, Annaliese still couldn’t quite bring herself to believe he was the killer. There had to be some other explanation for what was going on. No one could experience the vision with such abject revulsion and be responsible for it at the same time. “No wait… what exactly did you see? Take me through it again.”
He still wouldn’t look at her. “I don’t want to. I don’t ever want to think about what I saw ever again.”
“Jackson, please. We need to understand what’s happening to you.”
“I killed those girls, that’s what’s happening.” Finally, he looked up, his eyes red rimmed and glassy with tears. “I saw the girl lying on the bed. I saw myself… I had the razor blade in my hand.” Jax looked down at his trembling fingers, as if he expected to see them stained with blood.
Studying his hands, Annaliese had a sudden flash of insight. “No, it wasn’t you.” Her heart sped up again, hope replacing the dread. “It wasn’t you, don’t you see? Didn’t you notice what was missing?” She turned his hand over, revealing the bass clef tattoo on the inside of his wrist. “This wasn’t there. The flash of the killer’s hands I saw didn’t have your tattoo. In fact… they didn’t look like your hands at all.” They’d been covered in latex gloves, but she could’ve sworn they were smaller, the forearms less muscular.
“I don’t…” he blinked, as if trying to reconcile the memory with what he saw when he looked down. “I felt wrong… but I was there, I felt myself doing these things. If I’m not the killer, then why would I see this? Why would I be having these blackouts in the first place?”
“I don’t know, but I’ve experienced a vision from the perspective of a killer before, it didn’t make me guilty.” Now, more than ever, Annaliese was convinced she was right. He wasn’t the killer at all, just tapped into the events. “For whatever reason, you have a connection to these deaths. If we can find that connection, maybe we can find the killer.”
“But… I felt her dying in my hands. The blood...” He looked like he was going to be sick and she took hold of his hands, unafraid. “This is crazy. I feel like I’ve gone completely crazy,” Jax muttered, looking down at their joined hands. “How can you support me like this? Why
haven’t you called the cops?”
“It wasn’t you, but you’re linked to it somehow. You’re experiencing the murders from the killer’s point of view.” She took another deep breath. “Now let’s go through it again, piece by piece. Maybe there’s something in what you saw that can lead us to the killer.”
* * *
“This isn’t working.” Jax slumped back against the couch, arms thrown down in frustration. “It’s not like in the movies where I get a glimpse of a distinctive watch and everything clicks into place. The only thing I could see was my own hands.”
“And your arms. They weren’t all veiny like your forearms, were they?” His arms were well defined and lean, the ones she’d seen were pale and smooth.
“No, I guess not. And they were pale.”
“See, that’s something.”
“Great, let’s just round up everyone in town with pale arms. That should only be a couple mil in the Portland Metro Area, right?” he said with a sour grimace.
It was true, people tended to be pale in the land where it rained nine months of the year, but Anna tried not to let it get her down. “Let’s keep our focus, I know we can figure this out. You said before the cutting wasn’t only on the wrist, was it? There was cutting on the hip, in the shape of the tattoo.”
“Yes, but there wasn’t a tattoo there at all, nothing but smooth skin as I… as the hands started to cut.” He swallowed uncomfortably.
“And the girl, she was asleep for all of this? She never moved or spoke or anything?”
“No, she was completely out. She…”
“What? What is it?”
“I didn’t recognize her.”
“You said she was blonde, like the other victims.”
“Yeah, but she’s not one of them. She was someone else.”
“What do you mean she’s not one of them. You saw her die.”
“Right, but she’s not one of the victims we know about. I’ve seen their pictures, that was someone else.”
“Are you sure? She looked familiar.” Of course, they all shared the same general characteristics. But if she truly wasn’t one of the four the cops were investigating… “Oh no, what if there are more victims out there that we don’t know about? Or what if this was a premonition of a future killing?”