by Freya Barker
“Rick?”
His gaze drops to me and I’m shocked to find a deep well of emotion visible in his eyes.
“My partner. He was diagnosed with Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis last week.”
I suck in a sharp breath. I didn’t know he had a partner to begin with, and that is a devastating diagnosis.
“ALS, Lou Gehrig’s disease,” he explains.
“I know. I’m so sorry.”
He shrugs. “It is what it is. We’ll deal.”
“Look, if there’s anything I can do. Do you need time off?”
I don’t know how the hell I’m going to make that work but I’ll think of something.
“Hell no,” he says, getting to his feet. “Rick doesn’t want me underfoot and I need to stay busy.”
“If that changes, let me know?”
He nods but doesn’t say anything when he disappears into the hall.
The moment he’s gone I burst into tears.
Jesus.
What on earth is the matter with me?
_______________
“I’m so sorry.”
Tse looks over at me and grins.
“Don’t apologize. It was fine.”
It’s clear he’s lying. Hell, I don’t have to look at him to know the last few hours have been a chore. Especially for a man like him. I know my parents. My mother, to be more specific. Duff just lets everything roll off his back—the embodiment of chill—while Blossom is a lot. Of everything. All well-intentioned and coming from a huge heart, but despite her small stature she can be like a tidal wave.
It’s not for nothing all us kids had to escape to become our own person.
“You get done what needed doing?” he wants to know, taking my hand and weaving our fingers, as he not so subtly changes the topic.
“And then some.” I sigh deeply. “Turns out Chris’s partner is very sick. ALS.”
“Shit. That’s not good.”
“No.”
“Does that mean more scheduling problems for you?”
I glance over at him and see warm concern in his eyes. Despite this morning’s spat, I’m starting to think I’ve struck gold with this man.
“He says he needs to stay busy.”
He nods. “Understandable.”
My mother is already waiting beside the ugliest motor home I’ve ever laid eyes on. Not the picture she painted when she mentioned they’d bought an RV. I wouldn’t have trusted it to drive to town, let alone all the way from Arizona here.
“My beautiful Sophia!” she exclaims when I get out of the passenger side, and immediately folds me into a tight hug.
“Blossom,” I mumble, letting the familiar feel and smell of her envelop me.
Despite our differences she still feels like home, even though she won’t let me call her Mom. I tried for years, as did my siblings, but she insisted it was a label. She doesn’t believe in them, feels it minimizes who she is, and only wants to be known as Blossom.
“Let me have a look at you,” she says, pushing me back by the shoulders and squinting her eyes.
She does this a lot. Claims to be able to read people’s auras. “Hmmmm,” she hums thoughtfully, but to my surprise she says nothing else.
It’s not often she doesn’t share her ‘findings’ and is usually eager to impart her wisdom, but this time she stays mum, which is a little disconcerting.
We find Duff in the back, holding a one-sided conversation with Van, who appears fascinated, even though he can’t possibly understand a word being said.
“There’s my baby,” he calls out when he spots me.
Another big hug, one in which I’m forcefully swayed from side to side. Signature Duff.
“Do you like the new wheels?” he asks when he finally lets me go.
“Is it safe?” immediately comes to mind and out of my mouth.
He looks a little hurt. “Baby-girl, I’ve fixed it up myself.”
It’s on my lips to say that doesn’t make me feel any better, but I hold myself in.
“It sure is handy,” I opt for.
“That it is,” he beams at me. “Our new house on wheels. We plan to roam the country in it. Stopped here first, then we’re heading in the direction of Montana. Then Washington state, Oregon—of course we’ll stop in at Bianca’s—south to California, and from there we’re hitting up Arlo in Vegas. Do a little gambling. After that the plans are open.”
“That’s…ambitious.”
Not quite the word I’m thinking—insanity—but I manage to hold it back.
“Been picking Tse’s brain on good places to go. He’s a biker.” Duff lowers his voice on that, leaning in as if he’s sharing a secret I didn’t already know. I can tell he’s pleased with my choice of man. Not that I doubted that for a minute.
“I need a drink. Anyone else?” Blossom pipes up and turns to me. “Give me a hand, Sophia.”
I know when I’m being summoned so I look at Tse, who is wearing a bemused, perhaps slightly exasperated look on his face. I did warn him.
“Beer, honey?”
“You bet.”
I give his arm a reassuring squeeze and follow my mother into the kitchen, where I can see she’s already made herself at home. I have to dig through wax-paper-wrapped produce I’m sure they brought from home to find a couple of beers. When I close the fridge and turn around, she’s a foot away, her hands on her hips.
“You’re not drinking that, are you?” she says, pointing at the beers.
“Uhh, I was planning to.”
She reaches out and snatches it from my hand.
“You’re not supposed to drink when you’re pregnant.”
You could’ve knocked me over with a feather and it takes me a minute to gather my words.
“I’m not pregnant.”
She raises an eyebrow in a way that tells you she knows something you don’t know.
“I had my period.”
The eyebrow goes higher.
“It was a light one, barely lasted the day, but you know mine have always been a couple of days at most. I can’t be.”
“When did you have sex?”
I close my eyes and do some deep breathing. This is what I mean when I say no boundaries. Everything is subject to discussion in my family. At least, with my parents.
“Mom…”
“Don’t Mom me, you know how I hate labels. When?” she insists.
“Couple of weeks.”
Her stern face suddenly breaks into a huge smile.
“I knew it!”
“Knew what?” Duff calls from the back door.
“Our baby’s having a baby!”
I turn to find Tse has come in after my father, his face a mask of shock.
CHAPTER 21
Sophia
“HOW THE FUCK was I supposed to know there’s something called implantation bleeding?”
I’m standing in the doorway to the bedroom, Tse is still in bed, an arm tucked behind his head as he calmly observes me have my second major freak-out since yesterday. He seems to be taking this much better than I am.
Last night’s freak-out—while my parents were giving each other high fives and loudly declaring they’d never thought they’d see the day—was snuffed out by Tse getting in my tear-streaked face and declaring we weren’t gonna borrow trouble until we had cause. His calm voice and strong presence drowned out my parents’ boisterous celebration, helping me to get a grip.
I ended up in the kitchen with Blossom to start working on dinner, while Tse lured Duff back outside with a beer. My mother was a bit more subdued, and I hyperventilated only a little when she told me there were early tests I could take and she’d pick me up one in the morning.
At some point Tse offered to go into town to pick up some tamarind sauce I didn’t stock but Blossom absolutely needed, and I begged him to bring back a vat of vanilla ice cream. I had a feeling I’d need it—my go-to comfort food—before the night was done.
That turned out to be a good call because whil
e my parents and Tse anesthetized with beer and my mother’s homemade elderberry wine, ice cream was my only option. Over dinner Blossom explained at length, and in great detail, how the best time to take a pregnancy test was in the morning because of the higher concentration of urine. I wanted to dive under the table but Tse just grinned.
I noticed he’d been doing a lot of that.
By the time my folks retreated to their motor home and Tse took Van out for a last pee, I went upstairs in a bloated food coma and fell asleep the moment my head hit the pillow.
“Fee, baby, just take the test. We’ll know, and we’ll deal.”
The test he’s referring to is the one I just found on the counter in the bathroom. Turns out tamarind sauce and ice cream had not been all he picked up in town last night. Nothing like the sight of a pregnancy test to make me forget the urgent need to relieve myself I woke up with. Not even the mental picture of Tse going into a drugstore checking out the family-planning aisle makes a dent in the wave of panic.
“Why are you so calm?” I snap.
He scoots up in bed, resting his back against the headboard, and patting the mattress beside him.
“Sit with me.”
I’m stubborn for only a moment before my feet move me to the bed. He tugs me to his side and my head automatically comes to rest on his chest. His heart beats steady and strong, just like he is. If you had told me last year that annoyingly cocky, womanizing, and persistent flirt was hiding the man I’ve gotten to know, I wouldn’t have believed it.
Whoever gave Tse his name picked wisely. He’s a rock. My rock.
“I’m calm because I’m starting to believe the best things in life are unexpected. I mean, look at us. It wasn’t that long ago you could barely stand to be in the same space as me, and I fully expected to grow old in the clubhouse. Now I get to wake up with you every day. Look at us, Fee.”
I put my hand on his chest beside my face and close my eyes.
“But it’s all still so new. So…uncharted,” I mumble softly against his skin, and his arm tightens around me.
“I know. If we’re lucky it’ll stay that way. An adventure at every turn of the road I hope never has to end.” I feel his lips brush my forehead. “Toss out your itinerary, my Fee, you don’t need it. Just feel the wind in your face, look at the beauty already around you. It’s never about the destination, it’s about the ride.”
Turning my head, I press my face to his skin, smiling. How is it possible I have fallen for a man who is in many ways so like the free-loving parents I ran from?
I always thought I wanted stability and figured it was synonymous with predictability.
I was wrong. This man is both rock and adventure.
All I have to do is hold on.
I struggle to find words to express what I’m feeling, but in the end I say nothing and simply press a kiss over his heart. Then I lift my head and find his warm eyes on me.
“I should go pee on a stick,” I whisper, and those crinkles I’ve grown to love appear at the corners of his eyes.
“Yeah.”
Not long after he walks out of the bathroom, the stick I left on the counter in his hand. He managed to distract me with some kissing and light petting while we waited, but now the butterflies are back. I don’t even know what I want it to say.
“Tell me,” I prompt him.
Too nervous to look myself.
_______________
“We’re having dinner at Arrow’s Edge,” Tse announces.
He’s about to leave to go to Paco’s place.
We’ve just finished breakfast and Blossom announced she wanted to go into town and stop in at Nature’s Oasis to grab some groceries for dinner tonight.
This is after Tse and I filled in my parents over waffles, something I felt we couldn’t avoid. Surprisingly they took the news in stride and agreed to keep it to themselves until I was much further along.
I’m going to be a mother.
When Tse told me we would need more space, it took me a moment to clue in. Then I burst out in tears I now know are the result of raging hormones. No wonder I’d not been feeling myself and seemed weepy all the damn time.
I’m pregnant.
I’m having a baby and I’m terrified, but also excited.
Tse’s words from earlier keep coming back to me; It’s never about the destination, it’s about the ride. I’m trying, but still my mind is already attempting to anticipate and problem-solve any roadblocks up ahead. Tse and my parents seem almost too casual about this.
I haven’t been paying much attention to the conversation but I did hear what Tse just said.
“At Arrow’s Edge? Since when?”
“Finn’s birthday,” he answers dryly.
Oh no. With everything happening this last little while, I’d almost forgotten about it. In fact, I just now realize I haven’t seen him in over a month.
“I can’t believe I forgot.”
Tse’s hand finds the back of my neck and he gives me a little squeeze.
“We’ve had a lot going on, babe.”
“What about my parents?”
“They’ll come,” he says matter-of-factly, as if that wasn’t even in question.
I make a mental note to call Lisa at some point this morning anyway; to give her a heads-up there’d be two more mouths to feed. I can’t bring myself to think about my parents in a motorcycle clubhouse, it’s too much to wrap my head around, so I just let it go.
“I don’t even have a gift for him.”
“Good thing we’re heading into town, then,” Blossom pipes up. “Tse can go to work, Duff will take care of the dishes and the dog. Right, Duff?”
My father nods. He doesn’t care as long as he doesn’t have to go shopping.
Ten minutes later, we’ve dropped Tse off with his tools from the back of the Jeep and are heading down the mountain.
“It’ll be good for him,” Blossom mumbles, as usual starting somewhere in the middle of her thought process. It can be hard to follow.
“What’ll be good for whom?”
“The baby, for Tse.”
I stop at the stop sign at the bottom of the road and turn to her.
“What makes you say that?”
“Oh, my Sophia, you’ve found yourself a good man, but it won’t be smooth sailing. His aura is full of dark shadows. Tse carries a lot of pain.”
My mind instantly goes to the scars on his back.
Over the past weeks I’ve discovered the thick rope of tissue under his chain tattoo isn’t the only one. There are others, not quite as visible, but definitely there. The pretty ink only skin-deep, barely covering the story underneath.
I haven’t asked him how he came by them. I already know he had a very difficult childhood and concluded he’d been abused. He never talked, and I never questioned. Now I wonder if I should have.
“Good thing my baby girl is strong,” Blossom says, patting my knee. “You’ll need to be.”
Tse
“Fuck. I keep thinking the woman is talking to me, the way she’s waving her hands.”
I’m sitting beside Nosh at the bar in the clubhouse and follow his line of sight into the kitchen, where Blossom is wildly gesturing while talking to Lisa.
“Strange bird,” he signs, shaking his head.
I grin. She does look like some kind of exotic bird with all her flowing scarves in bright colors. Duff isn’t much better in his tie-dyed shirt and socks in sandals, sitting on the large sectional with some of the kids who are trying to explain their game to him. They look entirely out of place in the clubhouse, but oddly enough seem perfectly comfortable here. I bet they’d be comfortable anywhere.
Sophia, on the other hand, is tense. She’s walking through the clubhouse with Finn’s little hand in hers—he just started walking—but every so often darts looks in the direction of her parents. My eyes are constantly drawn to her. Watching her with Finn has a whole new meaning now.
I watch as Wapi stops by her,
exchanging a few words. The bright hot jealousy I used to feel at seeing him with her is now no more than an alert awareness; no different from any other man who’d stop to talk with her.
A split second later she looks over at me, a smile teasing her lips. That feeling I sometimes have, when my heart feels too damn big for my chest, washes over me. It’s moments like this—when we’re physically apart, but still somehow connected—I wonder if this is what love feels like.
I jump at the sharp elbow in my ribs, and look over at Nosh.
“Goner,” he rasps in his monotonous voice. Then he signs, “Didn’t think I’d live to see the day, brother. Wish Momma was here. She’d be happy to see another one of her boys finding his rightful place beside a good woman.”
Jesus.
Shit’s getting way too emotional here. What’s fucking next? Holding hands and singing “Kumbaya”?
I glare at Nosh, but he doesn’t give a shit. He’s grinning his crooked grin; one we rarely ever saw in the clubhouse until recently. I’m not sure if that means the man is getting mellower, or whether he’s slowly losing his marbles. Both are possible at his age, I guess.
The door to the clubhouse opens and Luna walks in with her son, Ahiga. The kid just turned seventeen and makes a beeline for the group playing games on the big-screen TV. I’m surprised when his mother walks over to me.
“Gonna say hello and then I’d like a quick word in Ouray’s office.”
“Sophia?”
“Yeah.”
A few minutes later I walk to the back, Sophia’s hand in mine. Ouray and Luna are both in his office.
“Nothing bad, just an update,” Luna is quick to say when she catches the worried look on Sophia’s face. “First of all, Mandy is safe with her sister in New Mexico. Classes don’t start up until the end of August, hopefully we’ll have this case wrapped up by then, but for now they’re in a secure location.”
“That’s good,” Sophia mumbles beside me, and I wrap an arm around her, tucking her close.
“We also picked up the driver, but he wasn’t much help. Turns out he always did the Durango run but was recently changed to another route, round about the time the restaurant opened. The guy who took over was new and he doesn’t know much about him. We checked with the warehouse manager, who couldn’t tell us much more, other than there’d been pressure from higher up to put Jim Marquez, the new guy, on the Durango route.”