His entire body shook violently at my small plea. He slowly lifted his head up from my shoulder and met my eyes. The only thing reflected back at me was pure pain. My heartbeats increased dramatically and were beating frantically in anxiety. “Babe.” His voice a harsh rasp.
I sucked in a breath and opened my mouth, but no words came out. Then he continued, “I don’t… I can’t deal right now. That mother fucker put his hands on you.” He moved one hand to run it around the throbbing left side of my face. “What could’ve happened to you if I wasn’t mooching for fucking food…?” He took a deep swallow that made his Adam’s apple bob. “Fuck Net! All I can think right now is I could’ve fucking lost you.” He closed his eyes tightly trying to regain his composure. “I’m not okay, because a life without you here in this world don’t make no fucking sense. You’re my family… you’re all I really got and I fucking love you. I never wanna take my eyes off you again. To know you were in danger… right under my fucking nose!” he growled then. “I didn’t protect you, I failed.” He finally whispered.
My heart broke into a million pieces. He was bearing the weight of what happened on his shoulders and it wasn’t even close to his fault. My God. Plus, he said the four-letter word. Don’t get confused, I know the difference. We’ve been sharing the sentiments of love to each other since we were younger. However, I’m smart enough to know loving me as a sister is different than the love I have for him – being in love – and I didn’t misconstrue what he was trying to tell me.
I lifted my shaky hand that he’d freed when he touched my face to return the favor. I gently placed my hand against his cheek and exhaled. “Oh Bull… it’s not your fault. You didn’t bring him there; you didn’t make him do what he did to us. You saved me.” I told him in reassurance.
He shook his head and closed his eyes tightly. “He shouldn’t have even gotten close to you. I was right the fuck next door.” He growled.
Oh God, I couldn’t stand this. There was no reason whatsoever that he was beating himself up about this. “Well, would it make you feel better if you knew that I had every intention to Lorena Bobbitt his ass?” I asked teasingly.
He chuckled a bit, his breath washing over my face. I instantly relaxed. “You’re my little thug, aren’t you?” he asked.
I nodded. “The one and only.” I promised.
He shook his head. “You were going for the jugular with that butchers’ knife, weren’t you?” he asked.
Playful Bull I could take. “Of course, I wanna be just like you when I grow up.”
He growled playfully and leaned down to nip my shoulder with his teeth. I squealed in surprise and squirmed underneath him. “Bull…”
“Net…” he repeated playfully.
I groaned. “Stop biting me.”
He smiled, and I shivered. That wasn’t any ordinary smile, not one bit. It was full of mischief and I instinctively worried my bottom lip. He leaned into me – so fucking slowly – and nipped my bottom lip. I was instantly beginning to get wet. Think Net, there was a reason for the whole distance thing I had in place. Stop this while you can, think with your –
Yep, that thought completely fled when he covered my mouth with his. When I moaned, he took that as a personal invitation for more. What did I do? I turned my face away from him effectively breaking the kiss and shoved him off of me. I’m fucking smart believe it or not… I’ve drawn my guns and I’m sticking to them.
I’m obviously also totally and completely full of shit, because although that’s what I knew I should do… my little horny in love ass wrapped my legs around his back pulling him closer to me. More contact baby and now, thank you very much.
When he finally broke the kiss, so we could breathe again, something inside of me broke. Call it a broken filter between my lips and my heart but I did the unthinkable. “I love you.” I whispered.
He smiled brightly. “I love you too, Nat Cat.”
BOOM. The explosion. I think my heart literally went off like a bomb in my chest. Oh, not in the way you think either. It wasn’t this fulfilling thing where he said what I needed to hear. No, it was gone, shattered… totally and completely done. How didn’t I just die on the spot?
Nat Cat. That’s a dumbass nickname he has for me when he’s being playful or like how we were when we were kids. Yes, he loved me… like a fucking sister. UGH! This is fucking torture and I’m doing it to my fucking self. As pissed off at him as I shouldn’t be I am, I just can’t shake my anger towards him. Like, how can’t you tell the fucking difference? Granted I said I love you rather than I’m in love with you, but I think it could be implied with the fucking stars and moon shining in my eyes when I look at him. Not to mention I’m almost certain when the reality hit me that my pussy shriveled up like a prune. Mood is officially turned off.
Needless to say, when I say I pushed him off me this time I actually did. No joke. I tried to fucking push him into the next block. Holy fucking hell… this is truly my life.
Chapter 5
“Net? What the fuck? Why’d you push me like that?” Bull said with confusion the clearest expression on his face.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t do this.” I confessed.
He ran a hand through his hair as he blew out a harsh breath and then nodded. “I get it, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking about everything that just happened and how you must be feeling…” he trailed off as he righted himself and went back to his previous position.
It was right on the tip of my tongue to tell him the truth. But really, as much as I knew I needed to eliminate sex out of our relationship… my confession might make me lose him and I wasn’t ready for that. Right now, it’ll kill me to lose him. “Yea.” Was all I offered in a low tone. I couldn’t stop myself from thinking… if only you fucking knew.
After a sufficient amount of time passed by and we were both back on normal grounds, he extended his arm towards me. I didn’t hesitate in cuddling up with him. “My baby girl…” Bull said in a soft voice. I’m pretty sure he didn’t even realize he let that escape. He was way too content for me to point it out, and to be totally frank I was in seventh heaven hearing those words from him with the soft sigh that said that this was everything that he wanted.
We were now 7 episodes in before he turned his attention to me. “Sugar, why you left me?” he asked softly.
I frowned. “What do you mean?” I asked.
I felt him shrugging beneath me. “You just pushed me out of your life. I don’t know what to do… I gave you your fucking space but fucking hell Net that shit is making me crazy.”
I sighed. Honestly, at this point I didn’t even think he noticed… but that was stupid he noticed everything. “I didn’t mean to?” fuck it came out as a question and there was no confidence in my voice. He’s going to see right through me.
He turned to his side to face me. “Tell me the truth.” He demanded.
Fucking A. I inhaled a deep breath debating on how to answer him. I couldn’t bull shit him that was for sure, but I wasn’t going to tell him the whole truth. “I was pissed at you.”
He pulled his head back an inch and frowned. “Why? Fuck did I do?”
I shrugged. “You promised to spend time with me and you disappeared right away.”
He opened his mouth to protest and I gave him a look clearly stating, ‘yea you fucking did’. He snapped his mouth shut and I saw the minute that realization dawned. “Fuck. I was on my way to my room when I ran into those bitches in the hall. They offered me some, and I thought it’d be quick. I would be done by the time you finished what you were doing. I guess it took longer cause when I got back you were fucking gone. I waited a bit figuring you were still in the shower. After a while, I went to check on you and it was fucking empty. Then I called your ass and you ignored my call and I got fucking worried and went over to your place just for you to piss on me.”
Now he was accusatory. “Well excuse the fuck out of me for feeling like I was left hanging.” I snapped now trying to pul
l away from him.
He tightened his arm around me and wrapped him free arm around me as well and tugged me flush against him. His solid chest flattening my breast. He breathed into my hair, “I’m sorry babe. You forgive me?” he asked.
I wanted to say no, God did I want to. But when he started feathering kisses in my hair, on my forehead and ear I melted into him. “Yea.” I whispered. When will I ever learn?
He leaned in a kissed my forehead. He didn’t stop there, of course he didn’t. He trailed more kisses across my face. Soft and sensual all across my cheeks and my chin until finally they landed on my lips. I barely felt it there and my eyes fluttered closed instinctively. Then he pressed his lips to mine even harder. I knew I needed to pull away, but when his tongue snuck out to run over my top lip all my fight left me in a heartbeat. I complied and opened up for him letting his tongue play with mine. It was gentle… the most intimate thing I’ve ever experienced. Before now, I was either taken or too fucking wasted to understand. Right now, though, I was totally sober… and although I remember being kissed before this somehow felt like my very first real kiss.
His grip on me tightened and I shivered. Every time I hooked up with Bull I’d been drunk. I remembered them all – yea, all three – and at the same time it was a kind of out of body experience. But even then, it was sloppy, erratic, and desperate. There was no finesse like there is now. I’ve never touched a man as myself. I took a finger and hesitantly brought it to his neck. I felt him tense there and I was so ready to remove my hand. Did he not want my touch?
Suddenly, I was ready for a drink or 10. Something to give me some encouragement make my awkwardness erase. But no, I needed this. I needed to know what real intimacy was. So, against my better judgement I let my finger play. I traced it back and forth against his shoulder as he kissed me before I moved onto his arm. Slowly, oh so slowly, absorbing all of his muscle. God, he was rock solid… not an ounce of fat. I felt this burning in my stomach that I was all too familiar with. It was something that happened to me whenever he touched me, but as I touched him as lightly as possible down his arm it intensified, and I found myself squeezing my thighs together.
I flattened my palm on his wrist then it flexed as I felt my pussy clench. Since he didn’t reject my touch I decided that I was doing ok so far so I flattened my palm on his side underneath his arm and began a track down over his ribs up to an inch above his boxers. Then I trailed it back up loving the way he deepened the kiss as I massaged him. When I hit that border, I wasn’t ready to cross above his underwear line I let my hand trail to his back and explored there. The fuck, he was magnificent. Sculpted better than I would’ve ever been able to imagine. Who would’ve known my Jackson… me of course? He was always sexy, strong, and protective. My. Fucking. Everything.
“Bull…” I whispered against my biggest protest.
“Nat, what do you need?” he asked. His whisper pure seduction in my ear causing me to tremble.
“I… Bull…” oh I needed him. BUT YOU CAN’T HAVE HIM! The voice in my head shouted.
I took in a shaky breath. I needed to listen to the voice of reason. “I… I can’t.”
He latched his lips back to mine for a brief deep kiss before responding. “Why?” he asked.
Because I love you? Because I’ve never made love? Because you are the only person that I’ve ever loved or wanted, and I fucked voluntarily and none of it was ever real because we were both fucked thee fuck up? I’m a fucking chicken if you haven’t realized, so I settled for the most partial truth I can think of. “I’m not a club slut. I’m not here for you to fuck me at your convenience. We’ve made mistakes…. But I won’t just have sex with you like the rest of them do.”
Yes motherfuckers, I may not be wearing big drawers yet, but a bitch definitely graduated from diapers to pull-ups. That’s fucking something and if you don’t agree… I’ll cut your ass, cause that shit counts. “Net, I fucking always want you… do you hear me? You’re not an option.”
I sighed, in for a penny, in for a pound and all that good shit, right? Be a grown fucking woman already and own it. Drake comes to mind and I am right now idolizing his ass… ‘Next time we fuck, I don’t wanna fuck, I wanna make love…’
“Bull… listen, I’m fucking addicted to you. You’re not my brother… You’re my fucking man.” I finally said out loud and held my breath.
He let out a soft chuckle and I felt my heart clench immediately. This is the part where he lets me down gently. “Net…” he begins.
I lose my brain to mouth filter and I stumble on my words. “Oh no, don’t worry about it. I get it, I really do. I’ve always known that I shouldn’t, but I can’t help myself. I just have these weird – “
“Shut the fuck up.” He demands and as if on que I shut my lips and zip them shut. “Natalia, you belong to me. That’s it. That’s what it’s always been… You belong to nobody, BUT ME!” he didn’t wait for a response before he continued. “Anybody else touches you then they die. You’re my Natalia. Mine and mine fucking only.” He paused and looked at me expectantly. When I said nothing, he gripped my chin in a tight hold leaving no room for argument. “You fucking get me?” he asked forcefully willing my agreement.
I nodded. “I am now, and have always been yours.” I said in a tight voice. I swallowed forcefully. “I didn’t think you wanted me.” I admitted in a barely there whisper that I hoped he didn’t catch.
Of course, he did with his super senses. “I always want you baby girl… my first choice, forever and always.” He answered with no reservation.
I think my heart melted to soup and there was no resurrecting it. Did he just fucking say that shit to me?? Fuck my life, I’ve died and gone to heaven because this is out of this fucking world. Real like hopeful, bible study… done prayed for this ALL MY FUCKIING LIFE type news. Can someone here do CRPR … bring a bitch back to life before I’m a goner.
I smiled. “I love you.” I told him.
He grinned back. “I love ya too babe.”
I trailed my finger from his cheek and down along his jaw. I leaned up and gently brushed my lips against his. “I need you…” I whispered against his lips.
He groaned and crushed his lips harder to mine pushing his tongue into my mouth. He pulled me into him, crushing me to him so that our chests were molded together. Our kisses became more feverish and Bull eventually released my lips so that we can breathe. “Babe… fucking clothes.” He said.
I nodded my permission, and he pushed me onto my back. His hands fell to my hips and he trailed his fingers to the elastic waistband of my pajamas. He tucked his thumbs in going under both my pants and underwear and pulled them down my legs and tossed them across the room. His eyes flashed greedily to my bare pussy. His fingers flexed and seemed to have a mind of their own as they started for where his eyes were focused before he pulled in a hard breath seeming to get control of himself. His hands instead went to the hem of my shirt and began to trail it up and over my head. No bra, so I was now fully bare to him.
I felt the blush instantly coat my face, neck, and chest. The way his eyes trailed over my exposed body so hungrily seemed so intimate in a way. No one’s ever looked at me like this before. I’ve never felt so… naked. Well, I’ve never been so naked sober, and voluntarily.
“Fuck bitch, you’re beautiful.”
Oh, for heaven’s sake there better damn well be a God to help me from my self-sabotage. OH! HIS FUCKING TONGUE…. Baby Lord Jesus, come super save a hoe please? Oh hell, he owns me, and obviously my pussy because the throbbing is working overtime. I’m clutching air that ain’t here… and lord help me, but I need fucking MORE.
“Bull… am I yours and you’re mine?” I asked as pure ecstasy enveloped me. Little did I know that was the wrong thing to say.
“Babe, when I fuck every other bitch ima think about you…” Bull confessed.
It was like someone threw a cold bucket of water directly on my libido. When he’s fucking other bitches? Well ta
lking about reading a situation totally wrong. I remained quiet and I didn’t think he would’ve even noticed anything was wrong had my body not locked up. I wasn’t so pliable and melting in his hands anymore.
His head popped up, eyebrows furrowed as he looked at my face. “Net? Babe, what’s wrong?” he asked utterly confused.
That just pissed me the fuck off. I mean, he couldn’t possibly be this insensitive. I wanted to punch myself at that thought… of course and it wasn’t even his fault. I couldn’t really blame him for the false hope I essentially just gave myself. Fuck I was desperate.
I shook my head unable to give my feelings a voice. “I just… don’t think we should be doing this.”
He let out a deep sigh and rolled off of me landing unceremoniously onto the bed. He groaned as he reached down to squeeze his raging hard on. I guess to get some relief. I mean, I didn’t want to give the man blue balls or anything but damn… I just can’t do this to myself. Let the man I love fuck me for my first real time and he’s talking about him getting into the next bitches pants. Na, no thanks.
“Do you wanna tell me what happened?” he asked me.
I shrugged. “Not really, I mean… it’s stupid.”
He rolled over to face me and gave me a hard look. “Nothing you say is stupid. I wanna know what I did wrong.”
I groaned. Fucking hell. Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck. “Well, you brought up fucking other bitches and that kinda killed the mood for me and all.” I said flippantly like it wasn’t nearly as big of a deal as it actually was.
He let out a relieved sigh. “Shit, I wasn’t thinking… I get it.” He wiped a hand down his face. “I thought I actually did something to you… hurt you or something. But it’s cool, maybe later or something.”
Maybe later? Maybe fucking not. “Look Bull, I don’t think we should be sleeping together. We made the mistake before inebriated but sleeping with your friends is not exactly the best choice.”
Natalia (Hades Riders MC Book 3) Page 6