by Alie Garnett
“That was taken during the three weeks Chase was home from Iraq and didn’t come home to see you guys. He wanted to spend it with me and knew I was lonely. He should have come here.”
“No, no, he probably spent it where he needed to,” Glenn admitted, pulling the picture from the box and looking at it closely. Maybe he, too, had a hard time remembering what his son looked like.
She could tell his parents were trying. They were saying the right things, but she had no idea if they truly believed it.
But she knew it was time to leave; time to let Holden start living his life without her. Because the longer she stayed, the more attached she got to everyone around here. Dylan had built a life around no attachments—they just hurt her in the end.
Chapter 27
Holden had been surprised to see his parents’ car at the house when he got home from work. His dad was reading a book to Tim as his mom folded laundry. Dylan herself was reading on her e-reader, but she was still in her fatigues, so maybe she wasn’t leaving the couple alone with the baby.
His mom had made his favorite meatloaf, and she told him it was ready soon as he walked through the room to change. His dad barely looked up from his task with his grandson at his arrival. Going into the bedroom, he saw Dylan’s box on the floor of the closet, the one that contained everything from her life with Chase. Except now on top were a few letters from her mom, not the picture of her and Chase by the ocean.
Changing into jeans, he wondered what her stuff in the closet meant. Had she completely moved in with him? Had she just missed having the box nearby, so she could look in it periodically and remember how happy she was with his brother?
Dinner went smoothly, though Dylan was silent for most of it. He wondered if his parents had apologized since it seemed like they weren’t taking issue with her being there. It was just Dylan who was having issues with them.
Afterwards, Dylan excused herself to go to their bedroom, and he and Tim walked his parents to their car. His mom had nothing but smiles for Tim. And even had a compliment about Dylan and how good of a mother she was.
“You two apologized, right?” he asked, raising an eyebrow at them.
“Yes, but she didn’t accept it. She said we would have to earn her trust but could see Tim anyway,” his mom said with a half-smile.
“She’s not as bad as I always thought,” his dad added. “Dylan gave me a picture when I asked about it.”
His dad slid the picture of Chase and Dylan on the beach from his pocket. “I’m happy she really loved him.” His mom glanced at the picture as well.
“Yes, she did.” He wished she could love him as much as she had loved Chase.
“Can we come back again soon?” his dad asked. It wasn’t like his dad to want to see his kids and grandkids.
Holden nodded, and Tim nuzzled into his chest. “Sure, just call. Dylan starts work again on Monday,” he said and then watched them drive away.
Back in the house, he headed straight for the bedroom to talk to her, wondering why she’d been so quiet.
The door was open, and as Holden walked down the hall, he could see that she had her duffle bag out and was piling her shirts into it.
His step faltered, and he closed his eyes for a moment, controlling his anger. From the doorway, he said, “Tim’s hungry.”
She didn’t look at him as she answered, “There’s formula in the cabinet. It’s time to start him on that.”
“Because you’re leaving?” Somehow, he had thought that after getting past the first week deadline, they were going to make it work.
“Yes, you…” She stopped talking as she opened her pants drawer and started picking them up.
“I what? I don’t need you anymore? Is that what you were going to say?” he demanded, hating that his voice was raised, knowing she would bolt sooner if he did.
“You and Tim will be better if I’m not here. I should’ve been gone a long time ago. Your parents reminded me of that.” She put the pile in her bag, her emotions fully checked.
“You’re his mother, Dylan,” he argued.
“Just giving birth to a child doesn’t make you a mother. A mother is someone who’s there for you always, someone who loves you despite everything…someone you can trust. I am none of those things.”
“You don’t have to leave, Dylan. Stay at the VA; stay with us.” He took a step toward her, his eyes pleading with hers.
“Why, Captain? So I can watch you fall in love and get married and raise my son? All in that gorgeous house?”
“You can live with us in that house, Dylan. As a mother to our son and as my wife.”
She shook her head. “I don’t belong there, and you don’t want to settle for someone like me.”
“What is so wrong with you, Dylan? Tell me so I understand. How are you so flawed that you can't be a part of your child’s life?”
“My father was abusive—to my mother, to me, and to my sister. Mom stayed way longer than she should have but finally got out when I was fourteen. We went with her, only seeing Dad a few times a year on supervised visits.”
“Just because your dad was like that doesn’t mean you will be. I know you know that.”
“Fourteen was too late for me. By that time, I was already abusive to my sister. My mom tried counseling and therapy, but nothing worked. I just got angrier and angrier until I needed to do something.”
“How old was your sister?” He sat down next to her, pushing against her so she was leaning against the headboard.
“Two years younger than me,” she said, taking the baby from him.
“Tell me about her.” He helped her slip off her sweatshirt since her hands were occupied.
“Oh, she was perfect,” she said sarcastically as the shirt cleared her head.
“Nobody is perfect, Dylan.” He fed the words back to her as she adjusted Tim and herself and their son groaned as he started to eat.
“Jenna is and was. Blond hair, blue eyes, cheerleader perfect. She even got breasts before me—I was always a late bloomer. Her prom date was the captain of the football team, and she was just a sophomore.”
“Who did you go with?”
“Nobody. I was short, fat, and a nerd. She was friendly and outgoing, and she had so many friends she couldn’t step foot outside the house without finding someone to hang out with.”
“Someone who wasn’t her sister?” He ran a hand over Tim’s head as he ate.
Dylan slowly closed her eyes, leaning her head against the headboard. “Yeah, she had no time for me. We didn’t have a lot in common.”
“Was she scared of you? Did she try to hide from you?”
“No, but she always went running to Mom, telling on me.”
“Ah, that was me as well: The Tattler. As the youngest, my job was to tell Mom and Dad everything that the other three were doing. It’s how I got so good at self-defense: keeping my older brothers from beating on me.”
“Did Chase?” she asked, saying his brother's name for the first time. His actual name, not his last name.
Holden chuckled softy. “Before he joined the Army? You bet. Plus, he was in trouble the most, so I had to tell on him a lot.” He rolled his eyes, trying to get her to laugh.
“Basic training was hard for him.” Dylan gave a half-smile. “Following the rules was a tough concept for him to learn. He knew them, just hated them.”
“Why didn’t you get married after basic?”
“I didn’t want to. We were young and didn’t actually know each other well. When we did get married, it was only because Chase was worried. His buddy had been hurt during his last tour, and the guy’s girlfriend hadn’t been able to go see him. He died a few weeks after getting to Germany, all without her being able to say goodbye. He didn’t want that to happen to us.”
Holden nodded. He probably would’ve felt the same way as Chase. “Why did you let my mom take the flag?”
“What flag?” she asked in confusion as she burped the baby over her sho
ulder.
“The one from Chase’s casket. I remember watching her take it from your hands.”
“Taking that flag home wouldn’t ever be the same as taking my husband home. If she wanted the flag so bad, she could have it. Chase was never coming back.”
“But it should have been yours.”
“At the time I didn’t care, and I really don’t care now,” Dylan replied with a shrug.
“Where’s his ring?”
“I left it on his grave. I was carrying another man’s baby, after all, and had to admit our love was over. I had maybe been holding on for too long.” Tim, happily fed, burrowed into his mom.
“Did he know about the abuse at home?”
“Yeah. I still had a black eye when we first met.”
“Did he at least tell you that you were a kid who made mistakes? That it didn’t make you like your father? Because if you were, so was he.”
“Not the same. You were just an annoying little kid.”
“Dylan, you are never going to be a threat to our son. He’s never going to know fear at your hand.”
She shook her head. “You don’t know that.”
“Yes, I do, because you loved him enough to let him go. Anyone can love their child, but you loved him enough to make sure he was safe. Even if that meant breaking your heart and giving him to me. I see it every time you pick up another book on raising a baby, every time you check him again to make sure he’s breathing, and every time you feed him and kiss his hand.”
“But…” she tried to argue.
“No buts—you love him. Being a shitty sister doesn’t make you your dad, it just means you were a teenager. We were all shitty people as teenagers, so don’t let that be the reason Tim doesn’t know you.” He took the baby from her arms. Tim had fallen asleep while they’d been talking.
“But what if you’re wrong, and I slip up? I don’t want to take that chance with our son.”
Without a word, he got up taking Tim from her and grabbed her hand, forcing her to follow him. Within minutes they had Tim in his car seat and were driving through town, she was silent as they went. Too silent.
They pulled up to their dream house, and he got out, grabbed the baby’s seat, and headed for the door.
“It already sold, Holden. I tried to buy it for you today.” She lagged behind him as she spoke, her words holding a pain he hadn’t heard from her before.
He stopped and turned to look at her. “You mean for Tim, so you wouldn’t have to worry about where he grew up after you left us. Because everything you do is to protect him and make his life better than yours.”
Opening the door, he was happy the agent made it there before he did. He needed her to be inside.
“I bought the house, Dylan. For you. Not for Tim, for you. So that even if you walked away, you would know where to find us. You’d know where home was.” Walking inside, he went toward the kitchen, one of the only places she had been.
“I am not walking away; I have to go. Deep inside, I’m just like my father, and nothing I do can change that.” She hung her head but still followed him.
“No, Jessica!” Jan said from the behind them, her voice shaking with regret as she said it, “You will never and have never been Jesse.”
Holden stared at his real estate agent, and the truth suddenly slammed into him. Jan Reed and Janet Reed were, of course, the same person. No wonder Dylan had flown off the handle while looking at the house. Her mom had been in it! She hadn’t seen the woman in twenty years and hadn’t wanted to see her that day, either.
“You don’t know me.” Dylan spun on her but took a step back as she did.
Janet nodded in earnest. “I once did, and what I knew was that you were kind and sensitive and loving. Those are things your father could never be.” Janet tried to close the gap between them, but Dylan kept her distance. She looked like an animal that had been backed into a corner.
“You said I was just like him!” she accused her mother, who flinched at the words.
“No, I never did. I never would.”
“You put me in therapy for it. For years.”
“No, Jess, I put you both in therapy because all you ever saw was abuse. I wanted you to know that wasn’t the way life was supposed to be. I wanted you to realize that wasn’t how relationships were supposed to be! It was never because of anything you did, it was because of what I did.” The pain in her eyes was visible, even from across the room.
“You sent me back to protect Jenna.”
“For one moment, I thought she was in danger, yes. When I got home from work that day and found out you had given her a black eye, I lost it. I took you to him, and I never should have. Your sister told me later that she provoked you and that it was her fault you lost your temper.” Her mother closed her eyes as a tear fell from her cheek. “She said she did it to see if you would lose it, like a game.”
“You never came back for me.” Dylan felt her throat start to constrict. This can’t be happening, she thought.
“You wouldn’t talk to me on the phone, and Jesse said you didn’t want to come back. He said you were happy and that you were fine.”
“I wasn’t fine—he beat me every day! Every. Day. I missed school because I was in so much pain I couldn’t move. I had cracked ribs when I got to basic training. I had bruises covering my body and a black eye.” She pointed to it, though it had healed decades go.
Her mother’s eyes went wide. “He said—”
“He lied. The scar, the one everyone sees when they see me? The day you dropped me off, he slammed my face into the bathroom mirror, breaking it and cutting my face open. He never took me in for stitches. That was the same day you left me behind.”
“But you’re not him, Jess.”
“I don’t ever want to find out. I would rather my son never know me than hate me like I hated him.”
“You could never be like him because you know how wrong he was. He never knew it was wrong, Jessica.”
“I am not Jessica! Please do not call me that.”
“Dylan, then. You are not your father. I should know, I lived with him for far too long.”
“You haven’t known me for twenty years, and you don’t know me now.”
“Perhaps, but I see you right now, talking about walking away from the people you love just to keep them safe. But you are not a threat to them. Don’t make the biggest mistake of your life, Dylan, don’t make my mistake and leave someone you love behind.”
Dylan dropped her eyes to the floor, turning away slightly. “I don’t even know why you care. I was never perfect enough for you before, but now suddenly, you care?”
“I was just trying to help.”
“By telling me I was fat?” she replied, incredulous.
“We had that in common, the two of us could battle our extra pounds together. I always had a harder time connecting with you then Jenna. I didn’t mean that I was ashamed of you.”
“Yes, you were. Nothing I could do made me as good as Jenna, and she’s still right here with you. You don’t even care what I do.”
“Of course, I do. It’s you who doesn’t want anyone to know anything about you. If I had my way, I would have both my daughters working for me. Or at least be in their lives.”
“There is nothing much in my life. I work.”
Janet looked at her flatly. “You have a husband and a son.”
“We’re not married. Holden is…” She turned and looked at him, who had been frozen for the entire conversation between mother and daughter, just watching. They had never discussed what they were to each other. “I don’t even know.”
“The man who wants to spend his life with you,” Holden jumped in. She had to know how he felt. At this point, he couldn’t see his life without her. Tim needed her, and so did he.
“More importantly, he’s the man who’s taking me home now.” She broke eye contact and headed for the door.
Holden hurried after her, worried that she might just take of
f. He had brought her here to show her the life she so desperately wanted with him and their son, but instead, had he’d accidentally flung her past in her face, a past life she had wanted to forget.
An hour ago, she was almost ready to run, and now she was guaranteed to run. Holden was out of ideas on how to make her stay.
Chapter 28
The ride back to the house was awkwardly silent. It had surprised her that he’d been the one that had bought the house. Apparently, they were thinking the same way, just not talking about it.
Seeing Janet at the house had been a shock. After their blow-up, she felt flighty and anguished. She wasn’t letting everyone make her think it was all in her head. That she had been wrong the entire time. She knew the truth.
Still silent, they entered the house. Her eyes immediately went to Tim’s things: his swing, blanket, and a pile of diapers she had left on the coffee table. Her son was everywhere in their little house.
Back in the bedroom, she grabbed her bag. She needed out of there right now. She couldn’t think when Holden and the baby were around.
“You’re really leaving?” he asked, taking the baby from the carrier.
“I have to.” She tossed the bag by the door and turned to grab her e-reader from the coffee table.
“No, you don’t, you’re choosing to. Just remember that it is not some altruistic thing you are doing; you’re choosing to walk away from him.” Holden couldn’t help the anger from leaking into his reply. How could she still leave?
“There’s milk in the freezer, but once it’s gone, it’s gone. You’ll have to start using formula.” She ignored his words.
Holden’s voice was hollow, numb. “We’ll be here when you decide this is all in your head.”
“I know me, Captain. She does not, and clearly, you don’t either.”
“Aren’t you even going to tell him goodbye?”
“It’s best I don’t.” She opened the door and grabbed her bag.