by Holly Jaymes
The thing about me was that I was never one to switch directions on a dime. I didn’t like walking away from things I’d invested time and money in. Fortunately, my trip to the waterfall made me see the light. The thing I’d realized by that waterfall was that while I was pissed about what happened, I wasn’t sad to lose either of them. In fact, in some ways, it had been a relief. Something about Gwen and taking the business public hadn’t felt right. I’d pawned it off as nerves, but by that point, I knew my gut had been telling me that I needed to let them and my IPO goal go. So I did and never looked back as I sold the business, bought land in the mountains, and built my permanent retreat.
Watching Hope’s car disappear down the road, I felt something totally different from what happened before, and it made me wonder if I shouldn’t have fought for her. I wasn’t pissed as much as I was yearning for her to stay. Perhaps if she weren’t working so hard to build her business, I would have asked her to stay. But she was pursuing her dream, and I didn’t want to get in the way of that.
“Why do I pick the wrong women all the time, Duke?” I asked as patted Duke’s head where he sat next to me watching her car leave.
In some ways, Hope had been right. The anger I had with Gwen and my partner stayed with me. But I hoped to hell that the sadness and regret I was feeling now watching Hope leave would dissipate. Letting Hope go was my final gift to her to support her dream.
The next day, I tried to come up with some excuse not to go to dinner with my family. I knew I was in a funk and that my brothers would pick up on that. They’d start hassling me mercilessly. I also knew that not going would make them even more suspicious about what was going on with me. So that afternoon, I loaded Duke into the SUV and headed down the mountain to my mother’s house.
I did my best to greet everyone with a smile, and then I went to the grill where I’d be able to put my attention away from my family. I was on the deck by myself as Duke played with George. I’d just finished lighting the grill when I heard movement behind me.
“I’m really not that bad at grilling,” my brother Will said.
I looked at him over my shoulder. “You’re not that good either.”
He shrugged as he sat on one of the patio chairs. “You should teach me. Someday you might want a break.”
“Why would I need a break?” Was he just talking or did he sense a vulnerability in me he wanted to exploit? Or maybe I was just fucking paranoid.
“I don’t know,” he said.
With the grill heating, I shut the lid and turned.
Will held up an extra beer for me. “You and Hope have a fight?”
I took the beer and sat next to him. “No.”
“Your dog hasn’t died so I can see that’s not what’s got you in a funk.”
“I’m not in a funk.” How could he always tell? When dad died, did he pass on his ability to sense trouble to Will?
“Grumpy?”
“It’s just been a long day,” I said, taking a long swig of my beer.
“Why didn’t you bring Hope?”
Why did he even care? He was the one that was the most adamant that he and I stay bachelors. “She’s done with her retreat. She finished her work and is now taking her next steps.”
“Ah,” he said like he had an epiphany.
“Hope and I are friends. That’s it,” I said, hoping I didn’t sound like I was trying too hard to convince him.
“Okay.” Will held up his hands in surrender. “But the ladies inside think otherwise.”
I waved the comment away. “Women always have romantic notions.”
“You did once too.”
He would bring up Gwen. I think he did it to remind me that risking the heart was not smart. Sure, it worked for Gabe and Nate, but Sam and Hallie were truly their soulmates.
“Not for Hope. I’ve never had a relationship with her,” I responded.
He gave me a look that told me he didn’t believe me.
I rolled my eyes. “I was fifteen when I had a little crush. Now I’m grown up. No more romantic notions for me. I learned my lesson.” Boy did I.
“I’m glad to hear that Mitch because I was afraid that I was going to be the only bachelor brother.”
“Mitch has a fighting chance, but you Will, I don’t think you have to worry about losing your bachelor status,” Nate said joining us on the deck.
“You gonna let him talk to you like that?” Will said to me.
I laughed. “Just because you and Gabe’s brains have been sprinkled with fairy love dust doesn’t mean the rest of us will fall under a woman’s spell.”
Nate shrugged. “Your loss. The sex is better.”
“Nate!” Hallie said as she came to stand behind him. He put his hand over hers on his shoulder. “Tell me I’m wrong, honey.”
Hallie blushed. “I can’t, but you shouldn’t rub it in.”
Nate laughed and pulled her hand to his lips for a kiss. My heart ached in my chest for the ability to have that with Hope. Why would cupid sprinkle fairy love dust on my brain for a woman I couldn’t have? Fucking sadist.
“What’s better?” Gabe asked, carrying baby Annabelle.
“Sex,” Nate said.
“Jeez Nate, he’s got the baby,” I said.
“She doesn’t know what I’m saying.” Nate looked up at Gabe. “Married sex is better, am I right.”
“I have to agree with that,” Gabe said.
Nate held his hands out in an I-told-you-so fashion.
“We’d know too because we’ve had both,” Nate said.
“How is it you always talk about sex at these meals?” Samantha asked, taking the baby from Gabe.
“What else is there to talk about?” Will asked.
Sam smirked at him. “I can’t wait until the day some woman knocks you for a loop.”
“That will be something,” Gabe agreed.
None of my brothers said that about me, but then, they knew about Gwen.
“Not gonna happen,” Will said confidently.
“You can’t help it,” Nate said. “One day you look at a woman, and it’s like wham, everything in your world shifts, and there’s nothing more important than her.”
“You’re so romantic,” Hallie said.
“It’s true baby.”
If that’s the case, I wasn’t sure I could say I’d ever been in love. I’d asked Gwen to marry because it seemed like it was something I needed to do. I certainly didn’t feel like she was the center of my universe. Hope? There was something different with her, but my end all, be all, center? I didn’t feel like I could say that. Yes, I’d have liked to have spent more time with her, but I wasn’t ready to say she was the most important thing in my life.
“Where’s Hope?” Sam asked.
“She’s done with her retreat and back home,” I said, following my statement with a long drink of my beer to hide any indication in my face that I missed her.
“That’s so exciting to be creating her own clothing line,” Sam said. “I hope she does well.”
“I’m sure she will,” I said.
My mom came out with the meat for me to grill, thankfully giving me a respite from talking about Hope.
Somehow, I was able to escape any further scrutiny until after dinner as I was cleaning the grill. I was again on the deck alone as Gabe and Sam had gone home to put the baby to bed, and Hallie and my mother were doing something in the house. Will was playing with the dogs.
“Everything alright with you and Hope?” Nate asked as he came to stand next to me at the grill.
I frowned. “Hope and I are friends. Why do y’all keep thinking otherwise?”
Nate took a sip of his beer, his eyes regarding me over the bottle. “I know denial when I see it.”
“No, you don’t.” I concentrated on scrubbing the grill with the brush.
“I do because I had it too. I fell for Hallie the moment I saw her but didn’t realize it. Hell, I didn’t even know it when I started sleeping with her.�
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“You just said wham and everything shifted in your world when you met her.” I rolled my eyes at him. Which was it, dude?
“The wham came when I realized that I might not have her in my life. I felt for her, but didn’t recognize it, even though I was sleeping with her.”
“I’m pretty sure Hallie wouldn’t want you sharing your sexual history with me,” I closed the lid of the grill.
“You’re probably right. The point is, I’ve got eyes, and they see how much you like her.”
“Yes, as a friend.” I shook my head at him.
Nate laughed. “Have it your way. Be miserable.”
“Duke!” I called for my dog. “I’ve got to head home.”
“Hey,” Nate said, stopping me. “I’m not trying to bust your balls, Mitch. Really. I know what it’s like to want a woman and not think you can have her. If you want to talk, give me a call.”
I nodded. “Thanks, but it’s not like that.”
He let me go, and after hugging my mother goodbye, I headed home. Today was a challenge to get into a new routine without Hope there, but tomorrow I’d head down to town, check on my clients, and maybe see what was up at the ranger station. They were always in need of volunteers. Nate was right in that I wanted a woman I couldn’t have, but my situation wasn’t like his. Hallie wanted him back. They worked together and had common goals. Hope and I had a few wonderful weeks, and now she was on to her dream, and I was back to my life.
Book 3: Chapter 17—It’s Positive
It’s Positive
Hope
The drive home from Mitch’s was difficult. At one point, I pulled off the road and cried. I wished I was brave enough to tell him how I felt. But we’d had a deal, and while he’d been so sweet the last few days after our mishap, he wasn’t asking me to stay.
As traffic picked up, I found myself feeling overwhelmed and missing the mountains. He was right in that there was something peaceful and calming in the fresh air away from congestion. My creativity and productivity were flowing when I was at Mitch’s.
Get it together, Hope. I had a dream to fulfill and was well on my way to achieving it. It was the dream that required me to be in the middle of the hustle and bustle of the city. This week was going to be filled with appointments with manufacturers, a meeting with my lawyer and the bank, and more. So I needed to get over leaving Mitch.
I’d wished for this for so long, and it was a disappointment to not be as excited about it as I wanted. It didn’t seem fair that I couldn’t have both a great business and Mitch. But his life was in the mountains, and he wanted peace and quiet without any emotional attachments. I had to respect that.
I arrived home to a “sold” banner on the 'For Sale' sign in the yard. I was happy that my parents had sold the river house, but now I needed to move on top of starting my business. At the moment, I was tired from the ride, so I unpacked the car then headed down to the river. Mitch had his lush woods, and I had the river, at least until I moved.
Like Mitch’s waterfall, the river offered a place for quiet contemplation. Unfortunately, no answers sprang up for me. Instead, memories of Mitch and me at the river, and at his home haunted my brain. I wondered why I was so drawn to him when clearly we weren’t meant to be. Twice now, things had gone disastrously wrong for us. I hoped to hell I was right about my cycle because a baby would just mess everything up even more. It made me sad because I thought I’d be a good mom and was certain Mitch would be a good father. But neither of us were in a place to take on a relationship much less raising a baby.
Eventually, I made my way back inside, where I unpacked my suitcases, set up a makeshift office, and then turned on my laptop to research places I could move to.
I slept that night about as well as I had the last few nights at Mitch’s, which was hardly at all. But on Sunday morning I woke up and got to work, preparing for all my meetings the upcoming week. I worked through the day, stopping for lunch and a quick dip in the river.
In the evening, I couldn’t help but think about Mitch and how he was probably not far from me at his mother’s house having Sunday night dinner. It reminded me that I wanted to start a similar tradition with my family.
It was too late to arrange a Sunday dinner for tonight, but I did call my parents and let them know I was home and to find out when I had to be out of the house. They told me I had to be out of the house in two weeks. Then I talked to them about getting together on Sundays as a family. My mother worried that Parker’s life was too busy for that, but I assured her that both her kids were never too busy for their parents.
As I lay in bed on Sunday night, I couldn’t stop the thoughts of Mitch filling my brain. Even on the nights we hadn’t had sex, being next to him in bed had been so lovely. I’d thought by not sleeping with him the last two nights, I’d wean myself from him, but now I just regretted the missed opportunity to have two more nights by his side.
I hoped that missing Mitch would get easier soon. Maybe once the week started, I’d be distracted enough that I wouldn’t think of him and wonder how he was doing or wish that I could see him again.
To a certain extent, being busy did work to distract me from thoughts of Mitch. Each day over the next week, I had appointments that required all my mental focus. I met with potential manufacturers and was able to weed one out immediately, but two others remained strong possibilities. I left a design with each of them asking for samples.
I met with the bank to have an interview as the final part of the loan process. The hiccup there was they asked about my dad’s business, and clearly had concerns that somehow his liabilities were mine. I assured them that that wasn’t the case, and crossed my fingers that all went well. Without money, all this work would be nothing. The heartbreak I was suffering because I went to the mountains to plan my dream would have been for nothing.
While my days were full, at night in bed, I still thought of Mitch. Was he happy now that he was back to his old life? Did he miss me at all? Was Lydia hitting on him and would he succumb to her young nubile body? Oh, Hope, just stop.
The next Sunday, I was at my parents’ house for dinner. No one grilled, but my mother did make a lovely ham. When we first sat at the table, my mother started crying.
“Oh, I’m sorry…blubbering like an old lady.”
“What’s wrong honey?” my father reached over and took her hand. Despite the financial strain, their marriage still seemed strong.
“Just having us all together like this. I didn’t realize how long it’s been. Or how much I needed it. Thank you, Hope, for arranging this.”
“Of course, mom.” I leaned over and gave her a side hug.
During the meal, we chatted. Parker shared about the goings ons at his firm, and I told them my progress on my business, leaving out the part about the potential issues with the bank. My father felt bad enough about his poor business decisions and their effect on the family. I didn’t want him to worry about the potential of it impacting my business.
“Oh honey, the new owners of the house want to get in and measure. Can you make time for that?” my mother said. “I hate to put you out.”
“No problem,” I said.
“Have you found a new place yet?” my father asked.
“No, not yet.” I’d found some possibilities, but hadn’t had time to check them out.
“Why don’t you come and stay with me,” Parker said. “You’ll save money for your business, and I’ve got the room.”
“I can’t invade your space,” I said.
“You won’t. It’s quiet during the day so you can work, and like I said, it will be one less thing for you to worry about.” Parker forked up some ham and ate it. “Can you cook?”
“A little.” I suppose it would be a fair trade. Room and board in exchange for cooking.
“You should do it, Hope. Get your business legs under you without having too many expenses,” my father said.
“If it won’t be too much trouble,” I said to Parker
.
“Nah, it will be fun. Pack your stuff up. We can move you out next weekend if you want. What’s going to happen with the furniture in the river house?”
“You can take it, Hope,” my mother said.
“I don’t need all of that, especially going to Parker’s. He’s already got furniture.”
“I’ll arrange to have it put in storage,” Parker said.
That’s how on Saturday morning the following week I woke to my brother and Mitch at my door. Seeing Mitch again made my heart jump into my throat. I wanted to grab him and kiss him and tell him how much I missed him. Instead, I clasped my hands in front of me to make them behave.
“I roped Mitch into helping. What stuff do you need moved?” Parker said, entering the house.
“It’s not much,” I said, having a hard time keeping my eyes off Mitch. “Just boxes. I don’t think you needed to drag your friends here.”
Mitch flinched. “I don’t mind.”
“The more people we have, the faster this goes and the fewer trips we have to make,” Parker said.
“Most of the boxes are stacked there in the living room. The furniture stays. Did you get someone to store it?” I asked Parker.
“Yep. They’ll come on Monday.”
Parker yammered away as we carried boxes of my stuff out to the truck Parker had rented. I tried to avoid being alone with Mitch because I couldn’t trust myself not to do something crazy, like throw myself at him, especially since it was so important to Mitch that Parker never found out about us.
About midway through moving my stuff, Parker’s cell phone rang. “I’ve got to take this,” he said, heading out the back door along the river, leaving me alone with Mitch.
An awkward silence filled the air, until finally, he said, “How’s the startup going?”
“Good.” I opened a bottle of water and drank as my mouth had gotten dry. “Just trying to get through the final stages of the loan and waiting for samples from the manufacturers.”
Mitch frowned. “Is there a problem with the loan? I thought that was pre-approved.”