by Bella Andre
But over the past few weeks, none of those rationalizations worked anymore, not when every time he closed his eyes…
He gritted his teeth, wishing he knew how to stop his fears from running away with him. He’d tried to work them out of his head by getting up extra early to start his farm duties and coming in late. He’d tried to sweat them out in their home gym, lifting increasingly heavy weights. He’d even tried to meditate them away, courtesy of the skills he’d gained when Lori had insisted they try out the new yoga studio in downtown Pescadero, which had set up business next door to the general store.
Unfortunately, nothing kept him from lying awake, Lori in his arms, as he tried to convince himself that he wasn’t going to lose everything again.
On a contented sigh, she rolled over so that he was spooning her. “Good morning, husband.”
“Good morning, wife.” He had to work like hell to make sure his voice didn’t betray the darkness roiling inside of him.
“How about we make it a really good morning?” Without waiting for his response, she reached back to stroke the one part of his body that couldn’t have cared less what was going on inside his head, not with Lori’s soft and supple body pressed against him.
“Sure you’re not worn out from yesterday?”
She opened one eye and looked over her shoulder at him, a teasing look of disdain on her face. “Worn out by having sex four times? You do know who you’re in bed with, don’t you?”
He laughed softly, the tightness in his chest easing. He’d always loved sparring with Lori, even when he’d been lying to himself about his feelings for her. From the moment she’d literally crashed into his life, he’d been a million times happier with her than he could ever be without.
Without.
His chest started to tighten again at the thought of something happening to her, but thankfully, the brush of her hips against his shifted his focus back to the warm, naked woman in his arms.
“Remember that day we didn’t leave the bed?” She moved her hips in a slow circle against his. “Morning until night, we must have tried every position on the planet.”
“What were your favorites?” He certainly had a few that he was dying to repeat.
“All of them!”
He laughed again, the sound hoarse as he cupped one of her breasts, lightly stroking the sensitive skin. When he found the taut tip and pinched it gently, he earned a sound of pleasure from his wife.
“How does this feel?” He already knew what her answer would be, but he loved hearing her say it.
“So good.”
“Only good?” He moved to her other breast, giving it the same sensual attention. “I must need to work harder.” He pressed his erection against her, going for a joke so bad he knew she would love it. “Much harder.”
Her laughter lifted him even further from the darkness.
“It’s a good thing you chose farming over comedy, cowboy.”
“You’re the only one I want to make laugh,” he agreed. Then he slipped his hand from her breasts down over her belly and into the vee between her legs. “And the only one I want to make come.”
She was already so hot and wet and ready for him that he could barely keep from taking her. Not that she would have any problem with a blisteringly fast orgasm. But this morning, he wanted to stay wrapped around her warmth as long as he possibly could.
Because once he had to let the real world in…
Steeling himself against the fears that were, even now, trying to infiltrate his head and heart, he focused one hundred percent of his attention on the feel of Lori’s aroused, damp skin, on the desperate little sounds she was making as she rocked into his fingers, on her clean, sweet scent, on the way she was always so open, so happy, so confident and secure in every part of herself, body and soul.
She turned her head over her shoulder, and the moment he captured her mouth, she shattered against his hand, her body trembling from the power of her orgasm, then shaking even harder when he slid two fingers inside, finding the spot that always turned her limbs to jelly.
He’d expected her to need some recovery time…but he should have known better. At eight months pregnant, Lori remained a wildcat in bed, her hand coming around to grip his rock-hard shaft, her thigh lifting so that she could position him right where she wanted him.
He didn’t need further hints, or encouragement, before thrusting deep. With one hand on her hip, he held her there for a long moment, letting her feel what she did to him, how desperate she made him.
Finally, they began to move again, her hips dancing with his. They had always been a perfect pairing, and yet their rhythm was never better than when they were making love.
The sounds of the waves crashing outside and their ragged breathing formed the soundtrack to their sweetly fierce lovemaking as they both reached the fever peak…then went tumbling over into ecstasy together.
* * *
“This is the best babymoon ever.” Lori rolled over to prop herself up on one elbow so that she could drool over her extremely handsome husband. When the muscles just below her stomach tightened, she shifted into a more comfortable position. “We should do this every time we have a baby.”
He blanched so quickly that she almost missed it, but after months of telling herself she was imagining things—and then keeping her difficult questions to herself last night—his tanned skin going pale was one troubling reaction too many.
Lori knew Grayson wanted to trust her with absolutely everything, but in order to be fully honest with her, he would need to be fully honest with himself first.
“Which part of what I just said freaked you out?”
He shook his head, obviously trying to push her concern away, just as he had so many times before. “I’m fine.”
“No one should just be fine after sex that good.” She put her hand over his chest and swore she could feel his heart skip a beat, even as her lower abdomen twinged again. It was a slightly weird feeling, one that hadn’t come before in her pregnancy. “What’s going on inside your head, cowboy?”
He remained silent, long enough that she actually had to bite her tongue to stop herself from prodding him. Whenever someone poked at her emotional wounds, she closed up like a clam. Though Grayson sometimes needed a little push, they were similar enough in that way that he wouldn’t appreciate a shove. No matter how much it looked like he might need one.
The silence had drawn out long and heavy by the time he finally replied, “Every time.”
She blinked at him, trying to figure out what those two words could mean. Because they obviously did mean something big and bad to him. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have sounded so hoarse.
And gosh darn it, she wished she could figure out how to get more comfortable on the bed so that these darned twinges in her stomach would stop! Right now, she needed to focus every last ounce of her attention on her husband.
Her voice was gentle as she asked, “Every time…?”
“Every time we have a baby. That’s what you just said. We should do this every time we have a baby.” He’d scrunched his eyes closed as he spoke, almost as though the words pained him too much to look at her as he said them. “I’m barely holding it together for this baby, let alone more babies in the future.”
She could hear, could see, could feel, how much this admission cost him—her amazingly strong husband, whose shoulders carried such heavy physical weight every single day on their farm.
Had he been carrying an even heavier emotional weight for the past eight months without her knowing it?
Lori thought about what her mother had said at the baby shower—All he wants is for you and the baby to be safe and sound—and felt as though her heart was breaking. Why hadn’t she seen this sooner?
And why did her body have to decide to knock her with so many of these darned Braxton-Hicks “practice” contractions all of a sudden?
“Grayson.” She put her hand on his jaw, waiting until he opened his eyes and looked at her
again. “Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on. Please.”
He gritted his teeth, a muscle jumping in his jaw, a faint sheen of sweat appearing on his skin. “I’m freaking out.”
“Because of what happened to Leslie?” She wasn’t afraid to speak of his late wife, and though it hadn’t been easy for him at first, over the years he’d been able to speak more freely about her too. At least until now.
“Yes.” He grimaced. “No.” He cursed, running a hand over his face. “I can see how healthy you are. I’m there at every doctor visit and hear the nurse and obstetrician say how well your pregnancy is going. And when I feel our daughter give a good, strong kick against my hand, I know better than to let the darkness come back.” He paused, let out a harsh breath. “But it’s been coming anyway.”
“It’s normal to be scared,” she said softly. “This whole baby thing we’re doing…it’s a big deal.”
“Not scared.” The look in his eyes seared her. “Terrified.”
She swallowed hard, his terrified echoing around inside her head, even as her stomached ached more and more. But she didn’t have time to focus on that now, not when Grayson needed everything she had to give him.
“I’ve been so blind.” Her words were hollow as she realized just how badly she’d let him down during her pregnancy. “How could I not see what you’ve been feeling? What you’ve been going through? My pregnancy, our baby—I knew it would bring up your fears, even the ones it seemed you had finally put to rest. But apart from the fact that you’ve been more overprotective than usual, I thought you were okay.”
“Lori—”
She gripped his hands tightly, wishing she could rewind back to the day when she’d taken the pregnancy test and seen the word Pregnant on the digital screen, wishing she could do things differently, wishing she could be there for him and keep him from going through this pain. “I shouldn’t have missed your worries—but I’ve been so wrapped up in my changing body, and how the baby is growing, and my excitement and happiness over starting our own family, that I completely steamrolled over your feelings. Almost like I thought my confidence could erase any fears that rose to the surface for you. When all along, I should have been taking care of you the way you’ve always taken care of me.”
“Sweetheart—”
“I’m the worst wife ever,” she moaned.
“No, you’re the best wife ever.” He tugged on their connected hands to bring her closer. “Don’t you know this is one of the reasons I love you so much? Because you are always full of boundless confidence, even in the face of something truly terrifying like a little person who will depend entirely on us.”
“Before either of us says anything more, I want you to know that I’m really hoping you’ll say that I’m the best wife ever again at some point so that I can record it. Otherwise, no one will ever believe me.” Even in the heavy moments, Lori believed lightness had its place. If for no other reason than as a reminder that there were brighter times to come. “But what I really want you to know is that I trust you with everything, Grayson. With my heart, my soul, my life. And if you can live with me, if you can take care of me and my endless list of life requirements, then a baby will be no sweat.”
She wished for even the slightest upturn of his mouth, but her hopes were dashed when he remained quiet. She wanted to say more, wanted to try to convince him in any way she could that everything would be okay. That the past wouldn’t repeat itself. That he wouldn’t lose another loved one. But where she was liable to shoot off her mouth without thinking things through, he liked to take the time to collect his thoughts, especially when they were talking about something this important.
“Once upon a time,” he finally said, “you told me you came to my farm because I needed you to keep me from withering away in my grief. To help me have a future. I tried to push you away, and I said awful things that weren’t true—”
“Some of them were true.” He’d accused her of hiding out on his farm, rather than facing up to her own problems.
“No. None of the horrible things I said were true. You needed time, and space, away from your normal life to figure out how to move forward. And that’s exactly what you did. You figured out how to heal your past so that you could create an amazing future. Thank God you wanted me in that future.”
“I wouldn’t have gotten there without you.” She nearly stumbled over her words as the pinching sensation in her stomach came again, harder and longer this time. “That night you brought me to the barn dance and dared me to get out on the floor—only you could have showed me that my passion for dancing hadn’t gone anywhere.”
“I might have given you a few shoves in the right direction, sweetheart, but I don’t have one single doubt that you would have gotten there on your own. Whereas, without you in my life…” He shook his head, his eyes going black again. “You have always understood me better than anyone else, Lori. And you have always known exactly how to reach me when I don’t want to let anyone in.”
“So then, why haven’t you told me what you’ve been feeling these past months? Why haven’t you shared with me how deep your fears have been running? Why haven’t you let me try to help?”
“Because I didn’t want to admit it to myself.” She laid one hand over his chest and felt how hard his heart was pounding. “I thought loving you was the scariest thing I would ever do, that it was the biggest risk imaginable. But a baby?” His breath came fast as he said, “I can still hardly believe that we’re going to have a child.”
“It’s going to be amazing! Our daughter is going to be the best thing that’s ever happened to us.”
“I know she will be.”
And she could hear, could feel, that he truly did believe that. If only that belief weren’t buried under so many of his worries that something, anything, might go wrong in the future for Lori or their child.
Now that her blinders were finally off, she could see that his demons were riding him hard, especially now that she was so close to her due date.
Though Grayson was a surprisingly eloquent man, he was a man of action first and foremost. Trying to talk this through might help him take a tiny step in the right direction, but he was right when he’d said that she knew exactly how to reach him.
Staying inside and debating the validity of his fears wasn’t going to do it. In the past, it had been a magic combination of laughter and fun and love that had pulled him out of the darkness. She was hopeful they could work their magic on him yet again.
“Come on.” Taking his hand, she pulled them both out of bed. “We’re going out.”
CHAPTER SEVEN
Grayson heard barking dogs first. Happy cries of children—hordes of them, it seemed—sounded moments after.
He rubbed the back of his neck. He didn’t actually have whiplash, but the way Lori could change tack so quickly often made him feel like it.
He’d learned by now not to question her. Okay, that wasn’t strictly true. He couldn’t help himself most of the time, not when she was so damned fun to tease. But this morning, he was definitely not in a teasing mood.
Not now that she knew the truth—that he was barely hanging on by his fingernails.
He hadn’t meant for his fears to come spilling out like that. He hadn’t wanted to face his own feelings, let alone explain them to his wife in excruciating detail.
But most of all, he didn’t want her to blame herself in any way for any part of his behavior. He never wanted her inner light to be diminished by anyone, or anything. Especially him. Which was why he’d immediately stopped her from berating herself over not seeing what a mess he was.
And yet, now that he’d finally unloaded some of his worries, he couldn’t deny that he felt a little lighter. It might be because they were outside on a sunny beach. And because of the joy on Lori’s face as she sat on the sand playing with a rambunctious, and very cute, litter of puppies.
Whatever the reason, he would gladly take the respite for as long as it lasted.
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Still, when he realized they were surrounded by at least two dozen dogs, cats, rabbits, and guinea pigs—and approximately one hundred elementary schoolchildren—he had to ask, “What have you gotten us into this time?”
“Remember that store I went into during my third, or maybe it was my fourth, bathroom break during the drive here yesterday?” During the past few months, Lori claimed the baby wasn’t just sitting on her bladder, she was dancing a jig on it. “I found a flyer for this pet-adoption event put on by the local elementary school.” She winced slightly when one of the puppies climbing over her jabbed her skin with its needlelike toenails. “I thought it would be fun to pitch in.” She reached up to touch his hand. “Sound good?”
Lori rarely asked him if he was on board with one of her plans—she just railroaded him into participating. Clearly, the fact that she was checking in about it meant that she was really concerned about him.
He got down on the sand with her and the puppies. “Anything that makes you smile works for me.”
“Anything?” Just like that, the mischievous twinkle in her eyes was back.
He pretended to groan as he said, “Well…”
“No take backs.” She picked up the smallest puppy of the group and gathered him close to her chest. “This little guy makes me smile. Wait—” She lifted the dog to check out its undercarriage. “Yup, he’s a he. And I would really love to take him home with us.”
Grayson knew there was no point in reminding her that they already had loads of animals on their farm—or that they were also going to be taking care of a baby soon too. By way of answering, he said, “You’ve already named him, haven’t you?”
“Of course I have,” she said, her smile even bigger now. “His name is Carmelo. Carmelo Sullivan-Tyler.”