by Harley Wylde
She slipped on her robe, tying the sash before coming closer.
I handed Oliver to her, then followed her to the kitchen. She sat at the table and started to nurse our son while I pulled out everything I’d need to make scrambled eggs, toast, and bacon. I wasn’t a gourmet chef by any means, but at least she’d have a filling meal and not have to cook. The books and articles I’d been reading said she needed a lot of protein, so I added some shredded cheese to the eggs before I plated them. Nikki hated grease, so I patted the bacon with some napkins to soak up as much as I could. When I set her plate in front of her, she gave me a tired but appreciative smile.
“Thanks for cooking, Ashes.”
“I’m happy to do it, Nik. I’ve told you to slow down and not do so much around here. When I’m home, I’m perfectly capable of helping with the cleaning or cooking. I can’t exactly feed Oliver so there’s not much I can do to help with that, except get him for you and make sure he has a fresh diaper.”
I sat down across from her and she reached out. I laced our fingers together, giving her hand a squeeze. “You’re doing an amazing job, Nik. And I’m not just saying that. You’re a wonderful mom and Oliver is lucky to have you.”
She smiled at our son before looking back up at me. “No, I think we’re lucky to have you.”
I ate my food quickly while she finished feeding our kid, that way I could hold him so she could eat. I’d thought about asking if we could switch him to a bottle so she wouldn’t have to do so much, but the pediatrician had harped on the benefits of breast milk, so I’d kept quiet. Seeing Nik with our son, I had a healthy dose of respect for all the moms in the world. No matter how tired, hungry, or sore she was, she just kept going and taking care of everyone.
“You’re one hell of a woman, you know that?” I asked.
Her cheeks flushed and she ducked her chin, looking at Oliver.
“I mean it, Nik. You do so much for us and never take time for yourself. That needs to change. You’re not in this alone. I’m perfectly capable of cleaning the kitchen or washing the clothes. You don’t have to do it all on your own.”
She sighed and her gaze met mine. “I know. I just… I’m not the only one going through a lot, Ashes. You’re still adjusting to everything after your accident, and I don’t want you to do too much. I know you try to hide it from me, but I can tell when you have a headache, and I’ve noticed they’re happening more frequently.”
She wasn’t wrong. I had tried to hide it from her, and they were definitely happening more often. I’d convinced myself it was a lack of sleep, but I had to wonder if something else was going on. There were times when flashes of what I assumed were the past would hit me, one after another, until my brain felt like it might explode. I kept hoping that one day I’d wake up and be back to normal. Then other times, I worried that if that happened maybe I wouldn’t be as happy as I was right this moment. What if everyone hadn’t been completely honest with me? Not remembering might not be the worst thing ever.
“I just didn’t want you to worry. The flashes of memory are coming faster and more frequently, but not enough of a glimpse for me to piece anything together.”
Her lips tipped up in a smile. “That’s a good thing, though. It means that maybe your memory will come back soon.”
Was it, though? A good thing? Because I wasn’t entirely sure of that. I knew that everyone wanted me to remember, but there were times I thought maybe I was happier this way. Yes, it sucked to have nothing but blank space where my life should be, but I was building a new one with Nikki and Oliver, one that I really loved. I wasn’t ashamed to admit that I was scared of that changing once the memories came back.
I reached for Oliver, setting him against my shoulder and rubbing his back. He belched loud enough that it made me laugh. It always amazed me that someone so small could be so loud, or stinky for that matter. The kid was adorable regardless of the nasty diapers or having to get up at all hours of the night. Having him and Nik in my life made everything better.
While she ate her breakfast, I stood with Oliver and carried him down the hall to his room. Past experience had taught me that he’d be ready to be changed about now. I made quick work of putting a fresh diaper on him, and as he yawned widely, I decided to see if he’d lie in his crib. Sometimes he would doze off, and others he’d scream the house down because he wanted to be held. And Nikki usually gave into him.
All right. So I caved too. What could I say? My son had me wrapped around his little finger.
Oliver settled in his crib, smacked his lips, and started to fall asleep. I knew if I didn’t convince Nik to come lie down with me, she’d start cleaning. When I got to the kitchen, she was already placing the dirty dishes and pans in the sink.
“Oh, no, you don’t!” I reached out, snagged the belt of her robe, and tugged her back. “No dishes. No cleaning. Our son is going to sleep, so we’re going to go rest while we can. You know damn well he’ll be up again in another two hours.”
She sighed and leaned back against me. “I know. You’re right, but… there’s always just so much to do.”
“And it will get done, Nik. It doesn’t have to be done right now.”
She didn’t put up much of a fight as I led her back to our bedroom. I stripped her robe from her, pulled a nightgown over her head, then made sure she got into bed. I climbed in next to her, then wrapped her in my arms so she wouldn’t try to sneak out of the bedroom. I’d already threatened twice before to tie her to the bed if she didn’t rest. I was starting to think I might actually have to do it. “Sleep, sweetheart. Oliver is fine. The house can wait.”
She sighed and snuggled into me. “Fine. Tyrant.”
I smiled and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. There were times it was hard for me to believe I barely knew Nikki. I’d tried to throw her out of my house that first day, but once I’d found out she was mine, everything had changed. I’d spent as much time with her as possible, learned what she liked and hated, and just enjoyed her company. I didn’t know the men I called brothers all that well, but I’d honestly been avoiding them for the most part.
Scratch and Cinder made sure I was present for Church or any mandatory functions, and I did know everyone to some extent. I’d grown fairly close to one of the Prospects, Dixon. He was my go-to person when I needed something, but the others had a tendency to stare, as if they were waiting for my memory to magically come back. It made me feel awkward when I was around them. The jobs I’d been sent on weren’t much better. I knew that I was supposed to trust these men, but I didn’t have the memories to back that up, and they all felt like strangers.
A soft snore slipped out of Nikki’s lips and I hoped that Oliver would rest for a while. He was wearing his mom out. Maybe I needed to talk to some of the others, the ones with kids, and see how they managed to balance everything. I hated that Nik was running herself into the ground, and I felt like I wasn’t taking up enough of the slack. Not that she gave me much of a chance to help. No sooner would I notice something needed to be done than Nikki was there, taking care of it. If I tried to make her sit down, she brushed me off and said she would in a minute, except that minute never came.
Maybe I needed to hire some help for her? Would she slow down if I hired a housekeeper to come in at least once a week to take a little bit of the burden off her? She certainly didn’t seem to want me to help with anything. It bothered me. A lot. She was here with me, and let me claim Oliver as my son, and yet… most of the time it was almost as if she thought she had to do it all on her own, like I wouldn’t want to help take care of them. Had I been that big of an asshole before I lost my memory? Was there something I’d done or said in the past that made her feel she had to do it all alone?
I needed answers, but I wasn’t certain I was ready for them.
Grabbing my phone off the nightstand, I swiped to unlock it. I hesitated only a moment before I messaged Scratch.
Was I an asshole to Nikki before I lost my memory? Say somethi
ng that made her think she had to do everything herself?
It only took a moment to get a response from him.
Not that I’m aware. Did she say something?
I snorted. No. But the way she acted sometimes I had to wonder if she’d tell me even if I had been a dick to her. No. Just this feeling I had… might be nothing.
The phone rang and I answered quickly before it could wake up Nikki.
“Why would you think you were an ass to her?” Scratch asked.
“She’s always trying to do everything on her own. If I get up to clean something, she stops me and does it herself. I can’t exactly feed Oliver, but I try to help where I can. She just doesn’t seem to want my help.”
Scratch was quiet, and I looked at the phone to make sure the call hadn’t dropped.
“Maybe this isn’t about you,” Scratch said. “You won’t remember, but there was a time when Nikki was in a serious relationship with someone. He treated her like trash. Maybe part of what she’s fighting against is the emotional abuse that ass heaped on her.”
Could that be it?
“You could always ask her,” Scratch suggested. “If she tries to run off, make her sit and listen to you.”
“Am I supposed to tie her to a chair? Because that’s about the only way I could force her to sit still.”
“Do what you have to, Ashes. If you think she’s taking on too much, then she probably is. Maybe she feels like a failure as a mom if she can’t handle it all on her own. Who the fuck knows what’s going through her head? You certainly never will if you don’t get her to open up.”
He had a point. “You’re right. I’ll talk to her. Right now, I’ve convinced her to take a nap.”
“Good. If you need anything, you let us know. You have family, Ashes. The two of you aren’t in this alone.”
The call disconnected and I set my phone aside. Instead of resting with Nikki, I decided to do something else. If the house was already clean, and the laundry already done, then she wouldn’t have a choice but to sit and relax after Oliver was fed. Rolling out of bed, I went to the kitchen and started on the dishes, then wiped down the counters and table, mopped the floor, and worked on the laundry.
Oliver slept for nearly three hours, which meant Nikki had a nice long nap. By the time both of them woke, the house was damn near spotless and the laundry was washed and folded. If she wouldn’t let me help her, then I’d just have to tackle a few things here and there when she slept. I refused to let her do everything herself. If she kept this up, she’d drop from exhaustion before long.
Nikki stared at everything with wide eyes as she cuddled Oliver to her. “You cleaned?”
“Yep. Now you have no choice but to relax today. I’ll take care of lunch and dinner. The only thing you need to worry about is our son and getting in at least one more nap today.”
Her eyes turned glassy with tears. My heart wrenched in my chest and I knelt next to her chair. “Hey, none of that. You’re doing a great job, Nikki. I mean that. But Oliver is my son too, and helping take care of him -- taking care of you -- is something I want to do. I need you to stop shutting me out and taking on every task around here.”
“I love you,” she said softly.
“Love you too, beautiful.” I hesitated only a moment. “I’m not him, you know? Whatever asshole made you feel like anything you did wasn’t enough. That’s not me. And if it was me before, it’s not now.”
Did that even make sense?
She reached out to cup my cheek. “It wasn’t you. It wasn’t even Oliver’s sperm donor.”
I glanced at our kid. “You never talk about him.”
“Bane was a short fling. We only had one night together, and we both knew it wasn’t a lasting kind of thing. It was fun, and I was on the rebound having just dumped my ex. Chad is the one who treated me like garbage.”
“You didn’t love Bane?” I asked. For some reason, I’d never dared to ask. And yet, I’d wanted to know. So damn much. Then I’d feel guilty for being jealous of a dead man.
“No. I never loved Bane. Seeing him die, the brutal way they attacked him, it’s haunted me for a long time. And maybe I felt a little like it was partially my fault. If I hadn’t gone out with him, against Renegade’s wishes at that, then maybe he’d still be alive. It’s hard to say.”
I smiled a little. “So it’s not just me that your brother hates.”
“He doesn’t hate you. He just doesn’t want anyone in the club to date me. Or claim me. Or breathe in my direction for too long. He’s worried that this way of life will get me killed, especially after what happened with Bane.”
“You were there,” I said. “When Bane died.”
She nodded.
A flash of her depressed, sitting on a couch and staring at nothing, entered my mind. I’d seen her that way, moping after Bane died.
“You saved me, Ashes,” she said. “You checked on me every week, several days a week, made sure I ate. You took care of me when no one else would. I wasn’t mourning Bane as a boyfriend, so much as the loss of a man who had died too young. No one else noticed how much that day impacted me, except for you.”
“And I fell in love with you,” I said. It wasn’t something I remembered, but something I felt. I just knew that I’d loved Nikki.
She hesitated. “Yes, I think you did.”
And the fact she wasn’t sure meant I’d never told her. For that matter, the way she said it, made me wonder if she was just telling me what she thought I wanted or needed to hear. Why would I claim her and never say those words to her? It was just another piece of the puzzle that I wasn’t sure I wanted to put back together. Maybe some things were better left in the past… even if it meant I never regained my memories.
Chapter Seven
Nikki, Halloween Night
Little Oliver had no idea what was going on. I’d stuffed him into a Pooh Bear costume, which I’d found to be quite adorable with his chubby little cheeks. At two months old, he’d filled out a lot. It was hard to believe he’d been born early. The club lovingly referred to him as our little chunk, and they weren’t wrong. Oliver had packed on the weight just in the last three weeks alone. It gave me hope that everything would be fine.
Ashes stopped in the nursery doorway, leaning against the frame, hands in his pockets. The man was so damn sexy it sometimes hurt to look at him. Even though I’d had time to heal, he hadn’t touched me yet. He didn’t realize it, but we were breaking that dry spell tonight once Oliver went to sleep. But first, we had a club Halloween party to attend. A family event now that there were more kids at the compound.
Oliver wouldn’t be able to partake in any of the fun stuff Meg and Clarity had planned for the children, but I had still wanted to dress him up. I planned to take a lot of pictures tonight. Even if he was only two months, it was still his first Halloween. Next year, he’d have more fun, but this one was special.
“You ready?” Ashes asked.
“Yeah. I just need to grab his diaper bag and make sure there’s plenty of diapers and wipes in there. And an extra pacifier.”
“I’ll get it. The car is warmed up if you want to carry him out. I’ll be there in a minute.”
I stopped to kiss his cheek on my way past him, breathing in his scent. Even if he didn’t remember who he was before, he still sounded and smelled like the Ashes I’d always known. There were times I forgot that he’d lost his memories. The way he watched me, though, that hadn’t changed. It was the same heat I’d seen the day he brought me here. Even now, it felt like he was undressing me with his eyes as I slid past him.
I carried Oliver outside and buckled him into his seat before getting in the car. The heat was running because a cold snap had come through today. In Florida, it wasn’t often the weather turned cool, but some northern storm had pushed cooler winds down our way and instead of the eighty degrees we’d been having, it was only sixty tonight. I was sure people up north where the temps were in the teens were laughing their asses off
at the sight of us Floridians all bundled up like the ice age had hit.
The clubhouse had orange lights strung across the front and cobwebs hanging off the gutters. I knew once the family event was over, it would be business as usual for the single guys, and I was grateful we got to use it first. I definitely wouldn’t be putting Oliver down on the floor, not even if I’d brought his play mat. No telling what was down there, even if it did get mopped regularly. I didn’t trust it.
Ashes got Oliver and the baby bag, then placed his hand at my waist as we walked inside. Clarity and Scratch were at the table in the corner with their boys, Caleb and Noah. Little Caleb was dressed as a knight and Noah was wearing a dragon costume. They were adorable! I saw my brother and Darby with Fawn and little Gentry. Fawn was a princess, complete with tiara, and Gentry was dressed as a lion. My heart ached at the sight of them. I wanted things to be the way they’d once been, but I didn’t know if we’d ever get there.
The past month alone, Ashes had opened up more with the club. I’d watched as he’d kept his distance for the longest time. It had broken my heart. While he still wasn’t as close as he’d been with everyone before, it was nice to see him interact with everyone and relax. My brother just wasn’t one of the men who made that happen. He and Ashes still butted heads every time they were in the same room together.
The door opened behind us and I turned to smile at Cinder, Meg, and their son, Tanner, who wore a scarecrow outfit. The thought of the Pres’s son wearing something so sweet made me giggle, but I knew that tough old man would do anything for his family. A few single guys mingled near a table with food and punch, and I hoped like hell they hadn’t spiked it. That was the last thing I needed while I was breastfeeding.
“Come on, it looks like Scratch is pulling some tables together. We’ll go sit with him and Cinder.”
I nodded and grabbed his hand, following his lead. He set Oliver’s carrier on a chair between him and Scratch, then pulled me down onto his lap. I leaned against him, feeling safe and loved, but then Ashes always made me feel that way. Sometimes I saw the man he’d always been, but there were times he lost his temper in a way that frightened me. I knew it was because of his lost memories and the way he felt, not remembering anything of his life, and the headaches were getting increasingly worse. I couldn’t fault him for it, and he never hurt me or Oliver. The moment he even realized what he was doing, he’d leave the house and go ride for hours. I hated it for him and wished there was something I could do, but the stubborn man refused to see a doctor.