This is making me feel things I’ve never felt before. I want him to message me so badly. It’s, like, the only thing I actually want to do. Then again, a part of me thinks our ending things is the best idea. It’s definitely safer than continuing to hang out, given who he is and how we met.
Maybe he’s realized that, too.
But on the other hand … He said he gave up on the scheme, and I believe him.
I’m in my room, lying on my bed, staring at my phone. I consider inviting him to the fair. I can picture it now. Me and him, strolling down the main strip. We’d play some games, eat some junk food, and have a good time.
We could talk, too.
The fair would be a perfect place to hang out, as it’s a public place. We’d both be safe. Plus, I think if we hung out at either my house or his, I have a feeling we’d make out the whole time. He must want to do it again as much as I do. Which would be so hot. But bad.
There’s a knock on my door.
“It’s open,” I say.
Luke appears. He’s clearly on his way to the gym. His earbuds are hanging down the front of his tank.
“Hey,” he says. “Are you free?”
I sit up in bed. “Do I look busy?”
“Don’t be a shithead.”
“Sorry.”
He enters my room and sits down on my bed. Eddie follows behind him and curls up at his feet. Today must be one of his needy days. Luke scratches the top of his head, and Eddie’s tail thumps against my bed.
“Just give it to me straight: Are you and Cass a thing now?” he asks.
Oh boy. I don’t know how Luke can be so aware sometimes and so damn wrong at other times.
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“I saw you two talking at the ball, and I know you’ve been hanging out. So I was just wondering if she’s the girl you’ve been dating.”
“Oh, no. This is new. Cass and I are just friends.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure, man,” he says. “Cassidy doesn’t give anyone the time of day she doesn’t think is worth it. If you’re hanging out with her, she must see something in you.”
“She doesn’t like me like that,” I say. “There’s no way.”
“Dude, why are you always so down on yourself?”
I shrug. “I’m not. She likes me as a friend. That’s not a bad thing.”
I actually do think that. I think there’s way more power in friendship than people realize. Anyone who’s never had friends would agree with that.
He eyes me warily.
“Seriously!” I say. “Besides, you two have history. It’d be weird if we hooked up, right?”
“She’s not used goods, Matt.”
“That’s not what I mean! I mean emotionally.” I stare up at the ceiling for a second. I need to be careful. His thinking I’m secretly dating Cass is definitely better than his figuring out the truth.
“Nothing’s going on, I promise,” I say. “And I’ll tell you if that changes. I mean, it’s not going to. But if it does, you’ll be the first to know.”
He nods. “I better be.”
He leaves my room, closing my door behind me. He knows me well enough to know that I always want it closed.
I open my messages to Jason. I know I shouldn’t, but …
I finally cave.
Hey. It’s cool if you don’t want to, but I was just wondering if you’d like to go to a fair? It’s in the city. Again, it’s totally cool if you can’t. I know I shouldn’t, but I miss you.
And send.
The typing bubble appears right away.
Oh my God.
Please don’t disappear, please don’t disappear. A message comes in.
You don’t think it’s a bad idea?
No, I do. But I still want to risk it.
Me too. Let’s just do it. Whenever and wherever you want me, I’m there.
* * *
Jason is waiting for me by the entrance of the fair. He’s standing in the middle of the walkway, with his hands in his pockets. He’s wearing a gray T-shirt, and chinos.
Very cute.
“Hey,” he says, as we hug. There are so many people around, but it feels a little like we’re the only two here. That this whole place belongs to us. He rocks me back and forth, and it makes me feel unstoppable.
I look out at the ocean. The sun is starting to set.
“Wanna check this place out?” he asks.
I nod, so we start walking down the main strip. We walk fairly close to each other, so it’s obvious we’re together. Not together-together. Just a pair. I don’t know how I’ll be able to explain this if anyone I know sees us.
Now that I’m here, this feels like a catastrophic mistake.
But whatever.
“What do you want to do?” he asks. “Maybe we could go on the Ferris wheel? Or are you hungry?”
I shake my head. “Honestly, I just want to talk. Can we find somewhere quiet?”
That might be hard. It’s crowded. Maybe I didn’t think this through enough.
We walk to the very end of the fairground and don’t spot anywhere quiet. Seriously. It’s like almost everyone in the city has shown up tonight.
“Sorry,” I say. “I should’ve thought more. I think we should talk. If we’re going to stay friends, we should make some ground rules.”
“Agreed.”
We eventually find an empty bench at the far left of the fairground. It gives us a great view of the whole place. I love how the lights look against the pink sky. I can hear the rattling of the Wild Mouse coaster and carousel music, and can smell cotton candy. I look across, out at the ocean, in the distance. The sun is just setting.
It’s magic hour.
Perfect.
“So,” I say.
Where should I start? The scheme, the friendship, or the kiss? There’s so much I want to ask about, but I can’t decide what to begin with.
Jason’s posture is slightly hunched, and he’s staring at his hands. They’re shaking. I want to take them in mine and tell him that it’s okay, that I get it. I’m scared, too. And I’m still not sure if we’re friends, or something else, now that we’ve kissed.
This feels a little ridiculous.
I’m sitting next to a Donovan, and we’re both tongue-tied. Not because he’s my enemy, but because I care so much about saying the right thing.
“I should apologize,” he says. “For, you know, keeping the secret.”
I nod. “You don’t have to; I get it. I’m guessing your family made you do it?”
“Yeah, they did. How’d you know?”
“My dad makes me do stuff I don’t want to all the time. So I totally get it. If my dad asked me to, I would’ve done the exact same thing to you.”
“Still,” he says. “I’m sorry. They did make me, but I don’t want to deflect the blame. I’m still the one mostly responsible.” He taps his fingers on his legs. “I got into a huge fight with my parents over it, actually, I didn’t want to do it that much.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. It was terrifying. I never stand up to them.”
“I get that. I’ve been a little salty with Dad sometimes, but I’ve never gotten into a big fight with him.”
That’s way too scary a prospect.
But oh shit, I just talked to Jason about Dad. I can’t do that again.
“Fuck,” I say.
“What?”
“I just said something about my dad. I really shouldn’t do that.”
“I mean, you can, if you want to. The jig is up, I’m not trying to learn your secrets anymore, I promise.”
But what if he is?
“I don’t think I should,” I say. “I do trust you. Mostly. But, dude, what if this is all part of your plot?”
“That’d make me the worst mole ever.”
“Or the best.”
“If you don’t trust me, I can go. It was your decision to hang out
again, remember?”
“Oh, right.”
We both fall silent. I watch the Ferris wheel spin.
“I’m really glad you did message me, though,” he says. “I really liked getting to know you.”
“What’d you like about it?” I ask.
He leans back. He puts his arm out, so it’s on the backrest behind me. “Just being able to be, you know? I’m Jason Donovan. A lot of the time that’s all anyone cares about. As if that tells them everything that’s important about me. It was nice to meet someone and just be myself, because I couldn’t tell you who I am. Does that make any sense?”
“It makes so much sense. It was nice to be someone other than Little Matty.”
“Wait, Little Matty?”
“Yeah, that’s what my family calls me. I used to be short.”
“Assholes.”
It makes me laugh, out of sheer shock. “It’s just a nickname.”
“Yeah, but a mean one. Not that there’s anything wrong with being short, but you know, it sounds like they weren’t saying it affectionately.”
“They weren’t.”
“Then I stand by what I said. Assholes. All of them.”
I get another rush of affection for him. I’m weirdly relieved I can still feel that, even though I know who he is now.
“So you don’t like being a Donovan?” I ask.
My voice shakes as I ask that.
He stares forward, thinking. He blinks a few times, like he’s never thought about it, and now it’s hitting him hard.
“I guess I don’t. That sucks, right?”
“Yep, it really does.”
“Can I ask if you like being a Miller? Or is that too close to asking about your family?”
I mean. It is asking about my family. And I’m scared about this being a slippery slope. I know Jason is that, for me. The fact that I’m even here shows how much he can sway me. Not that long ago, I was thinking that I shouldn’t hang out with him.
And here I am. Figuring out a way to keep this going.
I trust him. Which might be stupid.
But I do.
“I’m the black sheep of my family,” I say. “So yeah. I’m like you. I don’t like it. From now on, though, I don’t want to talk about my family with you, okay? That’s my rule. If you ever ask me about them, I’ll ghost you.”
“Deal.”
He stares at me for a moment, with a small smile on his face.
“What?” I say.
“I thought I was the only one,” he says. “It’s nice to know I’m not. And I just really like you, man. Thank you so much for not dropping me over this.”
Tears fill my eyes. I don’t even know why.
It’s such a perfect thing to hear.
“Are you okay?” he asks.
I blink rapidly. “Yeah, sorry. I’ve just never really had a good friend before. I’m not sure if you know that. So this is all messy now, but it’s more than I’ve ever had. I’m just really glad we’re staying friends. Sorry, I’m being a sap.”
He laughs. “You’re being yourself, which is the best thing you can be around me. So please, be a sap, if you want. Doesn’t bother me.”
“Careful,” I say. “I can get really mushy sometimes, so you might start to regret that.”
“Trust me, I won’t,” he says. “Whatever you want to be, I’m here for it. Well, I think the rules have been firmly established. Now, want to go on some rides?”
“Yeah, I do.”
* * *
Jason and I ended up spending about an hour and a half at the fair.
We went on a few rides, played a few games, and won some candy, and then we had corn dogs and two giant cups of Coke.
It’s been so much fucking fun.
And now I have a fairly epic sugar high.
At least I think that’s what it is.
We weren’t done with the night yet, so now we’re going for a walk. After escaping the crowds of the fair, we headed for the palm-tree-lined tourist strip, right by the beach where we first went swimming all those weeks ago. In the distance, there’s a neon-drenched strip of bars, and past that, towering skyscrapers.
“Do you like Florida?” he asks.
“What makes you ask?”
He shrugs. “Just curious.”
I look around. I mean, it is pretty picturesque at the moment. This spot is, at least.
“I mean, yeah? I hate the humidity, but it’s still home, you know?”
“Yeah, for sure.”
“Do you?” I ask.
“I’m the same. It’s home.”
He stops walking in front of a pathway to the beach.
“Want to go for a swim?” he asks.
“I’m guessing you do?”
He nods.
“You know it’s weird that you do this, right?” I say.
“What’s weird?”
“That you like swimming at night.”
“Oh. Yeah, I’m aware.”
“Then why do you do it?”
He looks out at the water, and shrugs. He sort of shrinks into himself a little. I’m surprised. I didn’t think he was self-conscious about anything.
“I don’t know. I know why I want to go swimming with you, though.”
“Why?”
“I want to see you take your shirt off.”
I suppress a laugh.
“I’m serious!” he says. “What’s funny about that?”
“Nothing, I guess. I just…”
“What?”
“This is just so new for me. You’re a guy, and I’m scared of saying the wrong thing, I guess. I know I’m not good at flirting. You’re so good at it, and I’m…”
“Just be yourself, man. You have no idea of how much of a killer you could be if you were confident. You’ve got everything you need.”
Huh. I do like the thought of that.
“Okay, let me give this a shot,” I say.
“Flirt away,” he says.
“Um. I really like your … ears.”
I wanted to say something other than his chest or his biceps. I felt like that’d be too obvious.
He laughs. “What?”
“Yeah. I like your ears. They’re cute. Is that weird?”
“No, it’s not. You’re so cute, you don’t even know.”
We reach the sand and take off our shoes. We leave them to the side, and then start walking toward the water.
“For real, though, it’s weird, right?” he says. “That I do this? I’ve actually never told anyone that I do this before. I was too worried about what they’d think, I guess.”
“No,” I say. “I like it.”
We reach a spot on the edge. He stretches.
“You coming in?” he asks as he takes off his shirt.
“For sure.”
“Sweet.”
We both undress to our underwear, and then walk up to the water. I step in, and it’s pretty freaking cold. Jason goes behind me, and puts his hands on my arms, holding me in place.
“What are you doing?” I ask.
He whispers in my ear: “I heard something on the news the other day.”
“Oh really? What?”
He rubs my arms, and he’s standing so close that I can feel his body warmth on my back.
“That shark attacks are on the rise.”
He leans in close, and lightly presses his teeth on the back of my neck. Laughing, I push him away.
“Seriously, though, are you actually scared of sharks?” he asks. “I just like messing with you. You get so flustered; it’s so fun.”
I look out at the water. “It’s fine.”
“Okay, then. In that case, I dare you to go in by yourself.”
“What?”
“Come on, be brave. Go in without me. You can do it.”
I guess he has a point.
Going in alone is way scarier.
“Fine,” I say, and I trudge forward.
I want to impress him. And myself, I
guess.
I go even deeper than we did last time, and start treading water. Okay, this is way freakier by myself.
“How long are you going to make me wait?” I call.
He smiles and wades in. He dives into the water and swims up to me.
He reaches me and slicks his hair back. His chest is heaving, and his mouth is hanging open. He’s breathless. I stand up.
“You’re so brave,” he says.
“It takes more than this to scare me.”
“I bet,” he says, stepping closer. “Now, dare me to do something. Anything you want, I’ll do it.”
I look into his eyes.
And I have the guts to say it.
“I want you to kiss me so much I can’t breathe anymore.”
He pulls me to him.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
For the first time ever, I have two separate invites for tomorrow.
The first is from Cassidy.
She’s asked me to go to a dumpling place in the city she’s heard is amazing. After that, Jason has asked me to come and watch him play baseball. I feel so lucky. I’m not sure what I did to have my life change like this … but I’m really enjoying it.
All that stuff is happening tomorrow, though.
First, tonight, Dad is coming home.
It means today is weirdly hectic.
I’m really relieved he’s coming home. He’s still going to need a lot of rest, but his being home will make me feel less anxious. To me, it means he’s out of the woods. Luke’s gone to get him now, and they’ll be home at any minute. I thought they’d be here by the time I got back from school, but they’re still out. I hope it doesn’t mean anything has gone wrong.
Ever since I got home I’ve been cooking pasta for Dad, because it’s his favorite. There’s a bubbling pot of sauce on the stove, and the whole house smells like tomatoes and garlic. I’ve been cleaning as I go, because I know any mess will undo any goodwill I’ve built by cooking for him. I know I don’t make it as well as he or Luke do, but I thought I’d at least try. It still tastes good if you drown it in Parmesan anyway.
I stir the pot, then lean against the island and check my phone.
Cassidy’s invite was for six thirty, and Jason’s game starts at seven. Which means I don’t have time to go to both, unless I alter one of the plans slightly. That makes me kind of nervous, though. Like I’ll piss them off by asking.
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