I promise. If you ever decide you want to open up to me, then I would love that. But I’d get it if you don’t ever want to. I just want to go back to having fun with you. That’s what this is about.
This is maybe the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. A vacation. To my favorite city.
And just thinking about it is enough to make my heart swell.
A weekend away. From the city, from the war.
I don’t think Dad will let me go, though.
But I think it’s worth a shot.
* * *
It’s been a day, and I’ve decided Luke is my best shot at getting Dad to let me go on the LA trip with Jason.
I knock on his door. I knock hard, because I know a lot of the time he has headphones in.
“What?” he calls.
“Can I come in?”
“Yeah, sure.”
I open the door. Luke’s been playing his guitar. He’s still holding it, but he’s taken his headphones off. He’s wearing his college T-shirt. Go Gators! I go inside and close the door behind me. Eddie’s dozing on the end of his bed. I give him a head scratch.
“What’s up?” asks Luke.
“I need a favor.”
“It’ll cost you.”
“I know.”
He strums on his guitar. “What do you want?”
“You know the girl I’m seeing?”
“The one who totally isn’t Cass, you mean?”
“Yeah, her. Well, we sort of have this weekend away planned.”
“Oh shit,” he says. “You guys really are serious now?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
He smiles. “Nice, man. When are you going to let me meet her?”
“Soon, maybe. But I need your help. I want to go on the trip, but I don’t think Dad will let me go.”
“Oh, he definitely won’t.”
“I know. So I was wondering if you have any idea of how I could get him to let me go.”
“Hmm.” His eyebrows furrow. “I guess I could say you and I are going on a trip?”
“What do you mean?”
“I could say you and I are going camping or something for a weekend. We could say we’ve had it planned for ages. Dad never listens, anyway, so if we’re casual about it, he’d buy it.”
“You think so?”
“I know so.”
For the first time, I allow myself to really entertain the idea that Jason and I might be able to go on the trip.
It makes me giddy.
He nods. “You’d majorly owe me, though.”
“What do you want?”
“Anytime Eddie needs a bath for the next year, you’re doing it.”
Oh no.
Eddie’s cute, but he hates baths with a burning passion. He always tries to run away and always makes a huge mess. It’s an ordeal.
“Okay.”
“And I want your old Xbox.”
“Why do you want that?”
“Nostalgia, I guess.”
It does sting to part with it, but it has been sitting in my closet for a few years.
“Fine, it’s yours.”
He taps his chin. What else could he possibly want from me?
“I also want to be able to use you as an excuse sometime in the future. No questions asked, all right?”
“Sure.”
“Then we have a deal.”
Holy shit.
That means I’m going.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Jason booked the flights for pretty early in the morning, so we’ll have nearly two full days in LA before we need to get back for school. We’ve checked in, and now we’re sitting in the airport lounge, waiting to board.
Luke was right, Dad totally bought the lie. I guess it’s because he trusts Luke so much.
Anyway.
I’m not thinking about my family this weekend.
While we wait for our flight, I’ve been reading and Jason’s been gaming.
A part of me can’t believe this is happening.
That I’m doing this.
A really hot guy wants to go on a weekend getaway with me.
We’ll share a hotel room.
I’m like 90 percent sure I’m going to lose my virginity on this trip.
I think I’m ready. I’ve done a lot of research on the internet about how to have a safe—and enjoyable—time. I think I’ve covered all the bases. After a slightly embarrassing trip to the convenience store, I have everything I’ll need.
Or we’ll need.
I’m pretty nervous. I mean, I care about Jason a lot, and I really want to have a good time. I think I will. I know I’m so attracted to him. But I just know how awkward I can be physically. My body isn’t something I have complete control over.
I think Jason will get all of this, though.
I don’t think he’ll be nervous about it. I just get the impression he’s a fairly sexual person, and he will just know what he’s doing.
“Hey,” he says. “Whatcha thinking about?”
“Oh, um, not much.”
“You just look a little worried. Are you a nervous flier?”
I feel like saying that is better than admitting I was thinking about us having sex.
“Yeah, a little.”
He smiles. “That’s so cute. You’ll be fine. This is a lot safer than swimming at night, and you did that just fine.”
“Good point.”
I feel like I finally have the old Jason back. He got weirdly pushy for a while there. Now I feel like there’s no pressure on me. He’s just my friend. I think we’re still dating, but I’m not sure how to label us yet, as we’re definitely not boyfriends. I don’t think we could ever get there until I trust him enough to tell him about my family.
A voice over the intercom tells us that the flight is boarding.
“Ready?” he asks.
“Ready.”
* * *
The flight passed pretty quickly.
Jason and I set up a little gaming hub, using our tray tables. We played a lot of Smash Bros. I even won a few matches, but I suspect he was going easy on those ones. He even had a small nap on the plane.
As he did, he rested his head on my shoulder. I let him. I didn’t even care that people could see us.
It was the cutest thing.
He looks so delicate when he sleeps. So vulnerable. It did funny things to my chest.
It’s kind of weird, but I feel lighter than I have in months. I’m away from my family. I have as close to total freedom as I will ever get.
This was such a good idea.
Jason moves away from me to adjust the handle on his bag. Maybe I’m taking him for granted. He’s been so great. He told me about the scheme. He told me about who he really is. Why can’t I trust him? What’s wrong with me?
He was right, before. It really is hard to date while I keep a big part of who I am totally sectioned off from him. I am totally half-assing my relationship with him. And that will never last. Sometime soon, I’ll need to decide. I should either fully commit and tell him everything.
Or I need to let him go.
The thought of that generates such a strong reaction in me. I can’t do that.
“You want a coffee? I feel like we should be basic LA gays and get iced coffees.”
“Yes!”
We wheel our bags through the airport and find a Starbucks. Soon we’re both holding jumbo iced coffees. Basic, but delicious. Together, we head outside. And hello, there’s the sunshine. It feels way different from Florida. It’s missing a lot of the humidity. There’s just something about this city that makes me feel good.
“Have you ever been here?” I ask.
He shakes his head. “No, never. Have you?”
“Yeah, once.”
“And you liked it?”
“I loved it.”
“Cool.”
We find the Four Seasons hotel shuttle and board it, sitting in the back row. Like we’re rebels or cool kids. For t
he first time, I think people seeing us might consider us as a couple, not friends. Because we’re miles away from home, I actually freaking love the thought. Jason keeps bumping into me, or touching me. I have no reason to stop him.
So I don’t.
I love the drive to the hotel. I spend it listening to music and looking out the window, at everything. LA isn’t the prettiest of cities—it’s so flat and hazy with pollution. But who cares? I love it.
For one thing, there are movie billboards everywhere.
This is where they’re made.
Well, a lot of them. I know because of tax breaks they film in a lot of weird places now. Like Georgia. Or Canada. But, still, LA will always be the heart of the industry.
We reach the hotel and whoa.
It’s stunning.
It’s a tall white building with gleaming windows. I feel like such an adult, doing this. We get our bags, tip the driver, and then go through the automatic doors into the lobby. It’s so grand, with this cool artwork hanging from the ceiling. It’s like a modern chandelier.
“Happy?” asks Jason.
“So happy. This is amazing. Are you?”
“Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever felt better. They have no control over us now—how cool is that?”
“It’s so cool.”
He checks in, and then we take the elevator up to our room. We’re really high up.
We reach our room, and he opens the door.
Oh my God.
There’s a massive window curving around the whole space, giving a great view of the city and the blue sky. It’s so vivid. I’ve never stayed in a room as nice as this.
Also.
There’s only one bed.
“Oh,” says Jason. “I asked for two beds. Let’s go back…”
I grab hold of his shirt, and pull him to me. “Don’t.”
He grins. “Really?”
I nod. I guide him across the room, to the window. Behind us, the city stretches out. I hope these windows are darkened, so nobody can see him.
I push him against the wall and kiss him.
I’m just so grateful. For everything. It’s been so long since we’ve touched like this. Far too long. My body craves it. It ramps up quickly, becoming hard and fast. Just when it starts getting really good, he pulls back an inch. I growl, then lean forward to kiss him, but he pulls back again. The part of me that craves him claws at my chest.
“What’s wrong?” I ask.
“We only have two days here, we should make it count.” He taps my chest. “Which for me means doing whatever you’d like. We could do anything, as long as you’re happy.”
I roll my eyes. “Come on.”
Being here makes me feel bold.
“We could…,” I say.
He smiles. “You want to?”
I nod.
“Can I, then?” he asks.
“Go ahead.”
He pulls my shirt off and throws it away. He turns back and kisses me. I stop him, and he gets the idea and quickly unbuttons his shirt. As soon as it’s undone, we crash together. We spin. He kisses me so hard my entire back touches the cold glass.
I move away, and we shuffle toward the bed, still kissing. We reach the edge of the bed and kick off our shoes. I take my socks off as quickly as possible and toss them away.
He does the same, then slowly takes off his shirt.
So here we are.
Both shirtless, our chests heaving.
He moves toward me.
“Hey, you,” he says.
“Hi.”
We kiss. As we do, his hands go down, his knuckles brushing my stomach, and he undoes my belt.
Or, he tries to. It gets stuck, bunched up in one of the loops.
I laugh and press myself against him. He’s really warm.
“Oh man,” he says, then he rests his forehead against my shoulder. “Did I just ruin this?”
“It’s just a dumb belt.”
I stand still as he figures it out, and he pulls off my belt. Then he kisses me, all while his hands are busy with my pants. He gets them undone, then yanks down, exposing the top half of my underwear.
He pauses.
“Is this okay?” he asks.
“Yeah. Are you good?”
“Yeah, definitely. This happened a lot faster than I thought it would.”
“Really?”
“I mean, no, not really.”
He smiles. It’s so cute I just have to kiss him.
I watch as he undoes his belt, then pulls his pants down. I do the same with mine. He’s wearing red-and-black-striped boxer briefs. I’m in plain gray. I readjust them.
Now we’re both in our underwear, but that’s it.
I glance at the bed, then back at him.
This might be a bad idea.
But since when have I cared about that?
“Do you want to?” he asks. His voice is kind of froggy. “Maybe we shouldn’t.”
“Why not?”
“I just want this to be special. Is it, for you?”
“Hey, dude, look at me. This is so special. This is, like, perfect.”
“You promise you’re telling the truth?”
“I promise.”
“Good. Because this is a big deal for me, too.”
From the way he sounds, I guess he’s a virgin, too. How has he not done it? Surely he’s had the chance.
“So you’ve never…?” I ask.
“No, I’ve hooked up a few times, but nothing like this. Have you?”
“Nope. Is that a problem?”
“Not at all.”
“Good. Um, sorry to bring this up, but I want to use protection, just in case. Is that okay?”
“Yeah, me too.”
He moves closer.
“Are we really going to do this?” I ask. “Right now?”
“I think so.”
He smiles at me, and I smile back.
Then he pushes me onto the bed.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
I wake up and am hit with an intense feeling.
I might not be sure about much at the moment. But I know this.
I love Jason.
I turn my head slowly so I don’t wake him. Dawn light streams in through the window that curves around the hotel room. It’s really pretty. I glance down. Jason’s beside me, fast asleep. He’s curled and facing away from me, his lower half covered by a white sheet.
Yep.
I love him.
Yesterday was perfect. After we hooked up, we showered and then just spent the day being tourists. We checked out the Hollywood Walk of Fame, the TCL Chinese Theatre, then took an Uber to Mulholland Drive. We ended the day with room service, and then we hung out in the hotel hot tub until the security guard kicked us out.
It was perfect.
The sight of him, in bed next to me, makes me feel overwhelmed.
I love him. A Donovan.
And I could lose him.
If I’m not honest with him, I will lose him. I need to trust him. He’s not going to betray me. There’s no way.
It’s settled.
When he wakes up, I’m going to tell him everything about me and my family.
I’m going to give him the power to destroy me.
I guess that’s what love is. That’s how it always seems in movies. If it’s not world-shattering, something is wrong.
He shifts. I think he might be awake, just dozing. I need to tell him. I need to do it right now, before I chicken out.
But then I bail.
What if I’m making a huge mistake?
He opens his eyes. He truly is so handsome. He grabs my arm, and pulls me across, so I’m spooning him.
Oh.
This is nice.
Maybe I don’t need to do anything so drastic just yet. I close my eyes, and let myself relax.
By the time I wake up, the sun is out, and Jason is no longer beside me. I sit up. He’s brushing his teeth. He’s gotten dressed, in a gray T-shirt
and swimming trunks. His hair’s already perfectly done.
“Morning,” he says.
“Hey.”
He spits. “Sleep well?”
I stretch. “So well. You?”
“Same. Best in ages.”
I get that. Even though I know telling Jason about my family is a big decision, I am feeling very relaxed right now. More relaxed than I have in recent memory, actually. I think it might have something to do with finally getting out of the city.
“So,” I say. “What did you want to do today?”
“I was thinking we could go to the beach? As long as we get to the airport by five, we’ll be fine.”
“Cool.”
That’s where I’ll do it.
The beach.
He walks over to me and falls down onto the bed. He kisses me. He tastes like toothpaste.
I pull back.
“What?” he asks.
“I think I’ve decided.”
He props himself up. “Decided what?”
“I think I want to tell you about my family. You’re right, this will never be real until I tell you everything.”
“You sure? You don’t have to, if you don’t want to.”
“I’m sure.”
His smile is dazzling. “Cool.”
“Don’t think you’re getting off the hook, though. You’ll have to tell me stuff, too.”
“Of course.”
“So should I just, like, tell you now?”
He chews his lip. “Why don’t you wait awhile? This is clearly a big deal for you, and the last thing I want is for you to regret it. So why don’t you think about it for a few hours, and then, if you’re still sure, you can tell me.”
“Okay,” I say. “Sounds like a plan.”
* * *
I’m sure.
I totally respect that Jason wants to give me some time, to be completely and utterly sure about this.
I don’t need it, though.
I’m sure.
I’m going to tell him about my family. I’ve been thinking about it the whole journey to the beach, and even though I’ve analyzed the crap out of it, I’m still totally confident this is the right move. Telling him everything there is to know about me will make this even better than it already is.
He asked me to really think this through, so I’m going to. I’m going to try to have a good time and not obsess over it. But I think this is one of those things I won’t be able to stop thinking about until I’ve gotten it off my chest.
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