by Jared Bellis
“That is so cool...” whispered Andrew wistfully. “I can’t do shit! It sucks being the healer!”
“Dude! Chill out! Healers are the most important members of the party. We wouldn’t last five minutes out here without you!” replied Joe, trying to cheer up his brother. It was no use. Andrew just stared dejectedly into the fire.
The boys pulled out their meager rations and ate in silence. They sat this way for what seemed like an eternity, but in reality it was about twenty minutes. They’d just decided to call it a night when Andrew’s stomach rumbled. They all looked over at him.
“What? I feel fine. My stomach just rumbled a little,” he said defensively. He stood up and started walking towards his tent. Then, he leaned over to climb in when suddenly a tremendous fart ripped from his anus. The fire flared out, singing Balzac’s fur.
“Holy shit, Andrew! That’s nasty!” yelled Ray. He reached over and started slapping at Balzac to stop the poor creature from burning up. Andrew ripped off another massive fart, and this time the flame danced towards Joe.
“Ray! Quit beating off Balzac and put me out!” screamed Joe, as he stopped, dropped, and rolled.
“Andrew! Turn your ass around before you burn the entire hill down!” shouted Ray frantically. Andrew did as he was instructed, his flatulence unabated.
“I don’t know what’s wrong! I feel fine, I just can’t stop farting! My asshole hurts! Make it stop!” Andrew kept running around, ripping ass, when suddenly multiple figures appeared coming out of the woods. They were moving…awkwardly, kind of jerky and slow. Balzac sat up from where he lay, smoldering.
“ZOMBIES! OH SHIT! WE’RE GONNA DIE!” he screamed as he ran behind Ray. “Light them up, you flaming idiot!” Ray was a little confused but followed directions.
“Andrew, get your smelly ass out of the way!” he shouted. Andrew stood like a deer in headlights before dropping straight to the ground, ass up. Ray started shooting huge jets of fire at the approaching horde as Andrew’s anal assault continued, causing geysers of flaming ass clouds to erupt from the blaze.
“My ass!! My ass is on fire!” screamed Ray’s flatulent friend. And that it was. The flame followed the gas trail back to its source, setting Andrew’s pants ablaze. Andrew immediately started rolling out of the line of, well, fire, before sitting up and dragging his ass across the ground like a dog with worms.
Joe finally stopped watching and joined in the fun. He took his metal balls and sent them shooting through the night, bursting through zombie chests left and right. Unfortunately, it did little good, and the monsters kept advancing.
“Dammit Joe! Don’t you ever read? You gotta take their heads off!” Ray screamed as he smoked the zombies. They went up like candles at the touch of his flame. Some of the burning creatures ran into others and set them on fire too, but it didn’t slow the advance.
“Gah! They’re gonna eat me! I’m gonna get bit and go zombie!” yelled Andrew as he ran behind his friends.
Balzac looked at him before asking, “What are you talking about?”
“You get turned into a zombie if they bite or scratch you!” cried Andrew, somewhat hysterically.
“No, you don’t, dipshit! Zombies don’t make themselves! They have to be raised by a necromancer!”
“Oh, okay then. Man, I really wish I could do something to help,” lamented Andrew. His gas continued on, showing no signs of stopping.
“You could move down-wind, that would help!” answered Joe, as he watched his mighty balls tear a path through the crowd of zombies.
“You’re a healer, dumbass! Maybe a priest, too! Try to turn them or something!” offered Ray.
“What the hell?” Andrew muttered. “I guess it’s worth a shot.” He then raised his hands toward the zombies and chanted, “In the name of Clarence, I bind thee!” Instantly, golden light suffused his body, spreading rapidly towards the undead menace. Every zombie touched by the light stood rooted to the spot, unable to move. Soon, the entire horde was stuck in place.
“YES!” Andrew shouted in glee, closing his hands and fist pumping joyously.
All of the zombies exploded violently as the golden light ripped through them. Zombie guts and bits of undead flesh flew everywhere, covering the companions.
“HOLY SHIT! I DON’T SUCK!” cheered Andrew. The others, however, didn’t look quite as happy. They were all covered in zombie, after all. Balzac was fighting his way out from under a particularly large zombie torso and was covered in blood and other fluids.
“Yeah, that was great,” he said sarcastically. “In the name of Clarence? Really?” He looked up at Andrew.
“It worked didn’t it?” Andrew countered. Everyone was forced to agree. “Maybe you all should get cleaned up,” he continued. “You really stink!”
At this, Ray and Joe looked at each other, nodded, and then started throwing zombie bits at Andrew.
“Ugh, stop it! That’s nasty!” he yelled, as he heroically ran away.
Shortly after, the four of them finally headed to the creek to wash off in the icy cold water. They spent the rest of the night cold, wet, and miserable. Every once in a while, Ray, Joe, and Balzac would hear Andrew mutter, “Yeah, I’m a badass.”
CHAPTER 6
The next morning dawned bright and cheerful. Ray started another fire to warm the shivering friends. Next, they gathered what was left of their supplies for breakfast.
But before they could start eating, Andrew stopped them. “Shouldn’t we say grace or something?” he asked. They all looked at him oddly. “Fine, I’ll do it.”
“Thank you, Clarence,” Andrew prayed, “for this bounty which thou hast provided. Thank you for giving us this day! Amen!”
“Seriously! What the fuck, dude?” asked Joe. “Weren’t you cussing him just yesterday? Because you hate being a healer?”
“That was then, but I’m wiser now. I know how lucky I am to be chosen by Clarence,” Andrew replied serenely.
“It’s only been one day, you douche!” shouted Joe. “How do you think you’re wiser now than then?”
“Experience, of course! Someday you will understand,” Andrew chided. Joe shook his head.
Balzac looked at him hopefully. “Does that mean you’re willing to go on quests? To help people?” he asked.
“I must do as my Lord Clarence demands! If he calls me, I must follow!” Andrew stated grandly.
Ray and Joe facepalmed. “STILL. NOT. DOING. IT!” they cried in unison. Andrew shook his head.
“Don’t worry, small rodent. They will see the light, just as I have,” Andrew said with a smug grin.
“You know, I’m glad you’re finally willing to help, but you’re still an asshole!” Balzac shouted as he scurried away.
“Can we get a move on? I’d like to get there before we all die of old age!” Balzac shouted back to the three friends. The guys gathered their meager belongings and started walking.
After an eternity on foot (Balzac was perched on Ray’s shoulder, as usual), the men were getting tired.
“How much further is it?” whined Joe. “We’ve been walking for hours!” Balzac looked at him.
“It’s been like ten minutes. I can still see our campsite. How can you be this lazy and still be alive?” he asked incredulously.
“Blow me, you fuzzy asswipe!” Joe shot back. “You aren’t even walking, are you? My feet hurt! And I’m bored!”
The squirrel shook his fuzzy head. “Then find something to take your mind off the walk!” he suggested.
“Like what?” countered Joe.
“Why don’t you, like, play with your balls or something?” Ray offered. The five metal balls Joe created were spinning around him.
“Good idea,” Balzac agreed. “Work on your skills. Can you make your balls orbit in different directions?”
“You mean you want me to twist my balls around in different ways?” Joe asked. Balzac nodded.
“Sure, I’ll try it,” Joe said. The metallic orbs started moving slu
ggishly all around his body.
“Dude, twisting my balls like this is hard! It hurts too!” Joe complained.
“It will come easier with practice. You just need to improve your focus. Just imagine how powerful your balls will be when you can control them individually!” Balzac said.
“That would be awesome!” stated Joe softly. “I bet I can even make my balls bigger!”
“I’m sure you can. You will find endless uses for your mighty balls!” encouraged Balzac.
The next few hours passed quietly. Joe was focusing on his balls, Ray was walking and chatting softly with Balzac, and Andrew seemed to be having a one-way conversation with Clarence.
“Is Clarence going to answer any of his prayers?” Ray asked.
“Fuck if I know. Clarence is a dick.” Balzac flipped off the sky. “If it makes him feel better and gets him to help, I don’t care if he buggers Clarence every night.”
“I didn’t need that image,” said Ray with a grimace.
“Hey guys, watch this!” Joe shouted. He’d been doing much better about changing the orbits of his balls. “Now I can mash some of my balls together and super-size them. I HAVE GIANT BALLS!”
By the time they finally stopped for lunch, they’d made amazing progress. They’d travelled further in a few hours than they had since they’d come to this world.
“What do we have left to eat?” asked Ray. He only had a bit of meat and water left. The others weren’t any better off.
“You won’t last long this way. Do any of you know how to hunt?” Balzac asked.
Unsurprisingly they all shook their heads.
“Fish?” No, again.
“Gather berries, nuts, fruits, and vegetables?” Again, that was a no.
“Do you have any survival skills at all?” They looked at each other blankly.
“PERFECT! NEXT TIME JUST GIVE ME TODDLERS! AT LEAST THEY’D HAVE AN EXCUSE FOR BEING THIS HELPLESS!” the enraged squirrel screamed at the sky. Thunder answered his rant.
“Fine. I’ll teach you on the way. For now, eat up. We still need to make some miles,” he ordered.
“Man, my feet hurt!” complained Ray. Of all of them, Ray was the one who had complained the least. However, like the others, his feet were soft and not used to walking long distances. He had blisters all over them, many of which had burst and were bleeding freely. Joe wasn’t in any better shape.
“Andrew! Heal these for us!” Ray requested. Andrew looked at him haughtily.
“Would that not be an affront to Clarence? Wasting my holy powers to heal mere blisters?” Andrew inquired loftily.
“Bullshit! I know you’ve been healing yours along the way! That golden glow is pretty easy to see!” retorted Joe.
Andrew looked at him sheepishly before doing what they asked. They started off again.
“I’M SICK OF WALKING!” shouted Joe. He really wasn’t taking this well. “TRAVEL SUCKS! WHY ISN’T THERE A PORTAL OR SOMETHING! We never have to do this when we game!” he complained.
Balzac was about to come unglued. Before he could berate the hapless loser, Ray stepped in.
“Do you remember that X-Men movie? The part where Magneto made metal discs to stand on so he could just float through the air?” he asked.
“Yeah… Do you think I could do something like that?” Joe replied hopefully.
“I don’t see why not. You have magnetic powers just like his, right?”
“Damn right I do!” Joe said proudly. With that, he reformed a couple of his balls into thin squares instead of discs, and he looked over at Ray.
“Don’t wanna get sued for copyright infringement!” he pointed out. Holding the squares in place with his power, he gingerly stepped up onto them.
“This I have to see!” said Balzac gleefully.
Sure enough, the squares held the happy hipster solidly in the air. He bounced up and down on them a few times. They appeared solid.
“This is awesome! I’m gonna see if I can move them!” Slowly, the squares glided forward. “I’m doing it! I’m really doing it!” he said excitedly. He was having a little trouble with balance, but soon assumed control. He gradually sped up.
“Don’t try to go too fast!” shouted Andrew. Though he was concerned for his safety, he was also a bit jealous of his brother’s ability. He quickly quashed the feeling, however, knowing it was unworthy of a priest of Clarence.
Joe was soon zipping around the group, but suddenly he appeared to lose balance. His arms started pinwheeling around and he screamed as he fell face first to the ground from his mobile platforms. Luckily, he was only about a foot off the ground when he went down.
Andrew ran over. “Are you okay? That was a pretty hard fall.” Joe looked up, blood streaming from his nose and a cut above his eye.
“THAT WAS AWESOME!” he exclaimed. “I’M NEVER WALKING AGAIN!” Balzac shook his head. Soon, Joe had a larger platform made, and everyone was sitting on it like a flying carpet. They weren’t moving very fast, but it was still significantly faster than before. At this rate, they could make it to town after a few more days. Balzac smiled contentedly before wrapping his tail around himself and falling asleep.
CHAPTER 7
They made great time thanks to Joe’s metal magic carpet. He was able to gradually increase their speed until they were moving along at an outstanding pace. At the rate he had them moving, Balzac figured they would be there within a day or two if he could keep it up. However, later that afternoon, Joe’s endurance finally gave out.
“I gotta stop, guys. I’m beat,” Joe panted. He slowed the transport down and gently lowered it to the ground. “And I’m starving. We got any more food?”
The others quickly shared the rest of their supplies, which Joe devoured. He let an enormous burp escape before rolling over and falling asleep without another word. His metal reformed itself to cover his sleeping form.
“Well, I guess we’re going to make camp here tonight,” Ray stated. “It seemed like we made it quite a way today. How much further is it, Balzac?”
“Not far now. If Joe can keep going at that pace, we will be there in a day or two. As an added bonus, he’s getting to train his ability and improve his power as we travel. His control and strength will undoubtedly improve with use,” the squirrel replied with satisfaction.
“That’s cool. Does it work that way for all of us?” Ray asked.
“Of course. The more you use your power, the stronger you get. Training and discovering creative uses for your abilities is key!”
“PRAISE CLARENCE!” exulted Andrew. “I need to heal everyone!”
“Calm down, dipshit!” Balzac admonished. “It can’t be frivolous use! Especially yours. And quit praying to that heavenly dickhole, while you’re at it. He’s not God, after all!”
Andrew blanched. “Blasphemy! You take that back you hairy little prick!”
Andrew started after the squirrel, but Balzac was too quick. The two ran circles around a bewildered Ray and a sleeping Joe. Balzac finally managed to outmaneuver the enraged healer, leaping off Ray’s head straight onto Andrew. He commenced to beating the slacker priest about the head and ears with all his squirrelly might.
“CLARENCE. IS. NOT. A. GOD. YOU. GIANT. DICK! I. CAN’T. TAKE. YOUR. STUPID. ANY. MORE.”
Each blow was punctuated by a punch or kick, though none of them did anything to hurt Andrew. It wasn’t until Balzac started scratching and pulling hair that Andrew was fazed by the assault.
“Ow! Stop it, you little shit-stain! I’m gonna roast you for supper!”
The two continued their fight until Ray, tired of the stupidity, shot a bolt of fire over their heads.
“Knock it off! You’re both idiots, and besides, we have bigger problems,” he stated.
“What?” demanded Andrew and Balzac in unison.
“We’re out of food! I’m hungry! We need to find some supplies!”
Andrew’s stomach growled at the comment. Balzac’s let out a little squeak.
> “That could be a problem,” Balzac agreed. “We can look around here. Maybe we’ll find something to eat.”
The three of them wandered around for a while with little luck. Balzac found some nuts and berries. The guys found nothing.
After about half an hour, Andrew shouted out,
“Holy shit! Over here guys! I found the biggest damn eggs I’ve ever seen!”
Ray and Balzac hurried over to him. “Those are Fire Hen eggs! They’re delicious!” said Balzac excitedly.
“Let’s take them then!” said Ray. “We need the food!”
“We have to be careful,” Balzac warned. “The hens are dangerous, but the male is deadly! We need to move fast.”
“What the hell is a Fire Hen?” Andrew asked distractedly. “By any chance, is it a giant chicken-looking thing? Maybe seven feet tall, five hundred pounds, with flames all over it?”
“Yeah. Some are bigger though. How did you know?” Balzac asked.
“Well, there’s like three or four of them over there, heading this way.”
“Oh, shit! Run!” screamed Balzac. They took off, but the hens were gaining ground. “Just keep running! The hens won’t go far from the eggs!”
Sure enough, the hens started to slow and turn back to the nests. Balzac sighed in relief. “Just be glad it was only hens…”
However, Balzac was interrupted by the loudest crow and cackle they’d ever heard.
“We’re fucked!” screamed Balzac in terror. “That’s a giant Flaming Cock! It’s coming in hard!”
The guys looked behind them. There was a truly enormous rooster chasing after them, covered in flames. The flapping of its massive wings was throwing heat and fire everywhere. It clanked as it ran, as if made of metal.
“Holy shit! That is one giant cock!” screamed Andrew. He hit another gear and streaked past Ray. At that point, Ray realized that they were never going to outrun the gigantic beast. He turned to face the Cock head on.
“What are you doing?” screamed Balzac. “You can’t take on a Cock that big! It will tear you in half!”