“I didn’t lie, Lexi,” I say.
“Then what did he do to you that you got you so worked up?” Lexi says. “I know you wouldn’t accuse a guy of…”
“I did, Lexi!” I yell at him. “Stop pretending like you know me and what I would and would not do.”
“Arya, you’re holding back…”
“Lexi, I am not going into this with you,” I interrupt him.
“Arya, I’m being very patient with you right now, but you are testing that patience,” Lexi says sternly.
“You know the truth,” I say. “There’s nothing more to say.”
“I’m doing this out of courtesy,” Lexi says. “Getting the story from you first before I do anything because I’m 99% sure I know who the guy is.”
“No, you don’t,” I say.
“It’s Henri,” Lexi says, and I look at him with a straight face. “I’m going to kill him, Arya. Just give me the ammunition.”
“I have none to give you,” I say.
“I know Henri is a jerk,” Lexi says. “I already hated him.”
“Leave it, Lexi,” I say. “I made a mistake. A big mistake. And now I’m paying the price for it.”
“Did you…” Lexi starts and then takes a breath. “Did you and him ever…”
“Just stop, Lexi,” I say, mortified that he is even asking me this.
“Arya, there is nothing to be ashamed about,” Lexi says. “If he did something…”
“Please stop,” I say. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
“You spray painted his locker, Arya,” Lexi says. “You spray painted rapist across it. Why would you do that if it wasn’t true?”
“Because I’m crazy and can’t control my anger,” I say. “I have plenty of references to call me a psycho bitch, batshit crazy, a tease, the list goes on, Lexi. Take your pick.”
‘Do you know what guys say about you?’ he said to me. ‘That you’re asking for it. They say that some guy just needs to bend you over and fuck you so that you can get over yourself.’
“Arya, I can’t help you if you don’t at least meet me halfway,” Lexi says. “I want to protect you.”
I stop on the trail and he stops with me to face me. Hurt him, Arya. Break him. That’s the only way he’ll let it go. “I’m not yours to protect.”
“Arya.”
“I’ve never been yours, Lexi. We kissed. Once. That’s it,” I say. “I don’t want your help.”
“You’re shutting me out,” Lexi says. “Just tell me the truth.”
“Leave me alone, Lexi,” I say sternly. “Just accept that good people do bad things sometimes. I’m not the ‘perfect girl’ you thought I was.”
“What did he do that you can’t tell me? Did he threaten you? Because I can…”
“Just fuck off, Lexi!” I yell at him, enraged. Hurt him, Arya. Make him angry. “I don’t need you to play the ‘macho guy’ and beat up a guy so that you can feel better about yourself.” Lexi glares at me. Push him, Arya. Push him over the edge. Make him hate you. “You want to beat him up to prove to everyone that no one messes with ‘your girl’. It has nothing to do with you caring about me. We never had a relationship, Lexi, and we never will. Accept it and move on.”
Lexi walks straight up to me to tower over me. “You have so many people willing to protect you and help you, but you just shut them all out,” Lexi says angrily. “I think something bad happened to you. I think Henri did something bad to you, but for some fuckin’ reason, you don’t want to tell anyone. I’ve tried, Arya. I’ve tried so bloody hard with you, but you aren’t budging at all.” Lexi takes a deep breath. “This mess you’re in, Arya,” he waves his finger in a circle in the air, “it’s your fault. You did this to yourself by not reaching out. And you deserve to be in it.”
Lexi turns away from me, walking back to where we came from. He hates me.
I wait a long time before coming back to the house.
“Where’s Lexi?” Mom says as soon as I walk through the door.
“He had to go home,” I say.
Mom frowns. “Oh,” she says. “I was setting aside dessert for him to take home.”
“Mom,” I say. “I’m not dating him, please stop treating him like a future son-in-law.”
“But he’s so handsome, Arya!” Mom says excitedly. “He’s a hockey player, his dad’s a doctor, he’s Catholic, he…”
“Mom!” I grab her. “Please stop.”
“I just thought he might be a nice person to have around considering you and James,” Mom says. “He’s a nice boy, Arya. You should at least think about it.” What would my mom say if she knew Lexi and I made out in the drama room closet when I was at West Side?
“I’ll think about it,” I say to appease her.
“I left a plate of food for you on the table,” Mom says.
“I’m not hungry,” I say.
“Arya,” Mom says. “I get that you and James were close, but you can’t let yourself go because of one boy. He’s clearly an idiot for not realizing what a great girl he had.” I’m not a great girl, Mom. If you knew the things I’ve done, you wouldn’t be saying that.
***
I walk upstairs to my room after forcing half a plate of food down. I want to pretend everything is okay. I don’t want my family to worry about me. I’m trying to put on a brave face in front of them but locking myself away just seems to be so much easier. It’s selfish, I know, but I can’t help it.
I go into my closet, pulling back the curtain of clothes on the hangers to get to the back of it. It's just lying there in a dark green lump, discarded and forgotten. I kneel to pick it up and hold up the green dress that used to be my favourite. It's a long sleeve that flares out at the elbows and goes down to the knees. It's made of rich, thick material. A dress you could wear in the winter and would keep you warm.
'We were just having fun,' he said like it was no big deal.
I turn it around to look at the back. There’s a long silver zipper that runs down the back and it’s opened all the way. I couldn’t be bothered to do the zipper up when I threw it in the back of my closet. I just wanted it out of my sight. It reminds me of him and what he did.
‘I’m not a fuckin’ mind reader, Arya!’ he yelled in my face. That one hurt.
This used to be my favourite dress. I loved wearing it on Christmas. I bought it in Montreal when we were visiting there. It was very expensive, but I pleaded with my dad and he gave in like he always does. Money is not an issue for him and if he could give me the world he would.
‘I didn’t do anything wrong,’ he said to me.
Now my favourite, expensive dress just lies in the back corner of my closet. I couldn’t bear to throw it away, but I know I’ll never wear it again. I can’t. All the good memories that this dress has experienced don’t compare to the one bad experience.
‘What are you going to do, Arya?’ he asked, knowing I can do nothing.
I cannot bear to put this dress on again, knowing what happened in it. Why am I keeping it if I know I’ll never wear it again? Throwing it away wouldn’t be good enough.
‘You are never going to tell anyone about this, ever.’
I need to burn it. Burn it and destroy the memories that this dress holds.
“Arya!” I hear my mom’s voice call. “Aunt Suzie’s on the phone!”
I throw the dress back where I left it and close the closet door.
Chapter 36 – Hear Me
“Hear me, I'm cryin' out, I'm ready now / Turn my world upside down, find me / I'm lost inside the crowd, it's getting loud / I need you to see, I'm screaming for you to please / Hear me” – Hear Me, Kelly Clarkson
Arya
I thought about what Mia said to me, about telling James the truth, the whole truth behind the scandal. The truth that still only four people know about. A fifth person was not meant to be added to the list, ever, under any circumstances, but yet, I still think about what Mia said. What would James do if he knew the whole tru
th? Would he be able to keep it to himself? Would he be able to hold onto a truth and keep it a secret for the rest of his life? Would he keep this secret if I asked him to or would he have to seek justice like I tried to do and failed miserably? I trust James and I want to tell him everything, I want to explain the entire story so he can see my side of what happened so that he no longer thinks of me as a monster. It's bad enough having everyone at this school thinking I falsely accused someone of rape, but having James think that is unbearable. But I don't want to bring him into this terrible mess of my life because once I let him into the mess, he'll never be able to get out. And I don't want to be the one to take that choice from him. The less he knows, the better for him. He's safe this way.
“Arya!” I hear a voice from behind me and turn away from my locker, the voice snapping me out of my distant thoughts. “How are you?” Malcolm asks me, concern on his face.
“How do you think?” I answer.
“Probably not great,” Malcolm says. “I’m sorry for not coming up to talk to you earlier. I didn’t know…”
"It's fine, Malcolm," I say, interrupting him so that he doesn't have to search for words I don't think he'll be able to find.
“He misses you,” Malcolm says.
“He doesn’t want to talk to me,” I say. “And I don’t blame him.”
“I know there is more to the story than what Lisa told us,” Malcolm says. “I know you are a bit crazy, but not that crazy.”
“You called me psycho bitch.” I smile at him and he laughs.
“Okay, yes,” Malcolm says. “But I was wrong. You are passionate, passionate beyond belief. That’s why James likes you so much. I have never seen him as happy as he was with you. Even before his dad died. Whatever the real story is, whatever you are trying to hide, don’t. Not from James. I can’t stand seeing him going back to how he was before. You brought him back to life, Arya, you can’t leave him now.”
“He already knows everything, Malcolm,” I say. “Just like everyone else.”
“I don’t buy it. Arya, I don’t know what happened to you or what happened between you and this guy, but it’s not worth losing your relationship with James over,” Malcolm says. “If there is even a chance you can save the relationship, you have to take it. Don’t let a mistake ruin your life.”
I look Malcolm in the eyes and blink back the tears that want to form. “When did you become so philosophical?” I ask him.
“I’m a man of many talents, Arya,” Malcolm says smiling. “Don’t let my looks fool you.” I roll my eyes at him. “Don’t roll your eyes at me, it’s your fault for missing your chance with me.”
“Oh ha-ha!” I say, slapping him on the shoulder.
“Please consider what I say,” Malcolm says sincerely. “You were meant for James. I’d hate to see both of you miserable because you didn’t let him know the full story.”
"Thank you, Malcolm," I say. Malcolm and I have become friends since James and I started dating. Surprisingly, he's the one I've become the closest with of James' friends. The guy who hit on me and my sister is gone, and he has been nothing but a funny and sincere friend with me. I hug him and he hugs me back. The embrace of a friendship, of someone that cares about me. I've been pushing so many people away that it feels good to have Malcolm wrap himself around me. A guy who cares so much for his friend's happiness. A guy who I initially hated has become a close friend.
***
"James," I say, standing beside his opened locker. He's alone, organizing his soccer bag. It's the first soccer game of the season and the boys are playing away, so he'll need to get on the bus soon.
“What?” he says, continuing to organize his bag, not looking at me.
"James, we need to talk," I say softly.
“About?” he asks.
"You know what," I say.
"I thought you told me everything," James says irritated.
“I’m sorry, James,” I say to him while he continues to avoid eye contact with me. “I did not want you to find out about my past that way.”
James stops what he’s doing and turns to me. “You had so much time and so many opportunities to tell me, but you didn’t. But you weren’t ever going to tell me though, I know that.”
“James.”
“There is more to your story,” James says. “But you don’t trust me enough to tell me.”
“No, James, just listen…” I say.
“Was he your boyfriend?” James asks.
“No, you know that…”
“Did you sleep with him?” James asks. He’s taunting me, he’s trying to get the truth out of me by pushing me to the edge.
“James, please…”
“Did you sleep with him and then regret it, Arya?!” James raises his voice at me. He doesn’t know what he’s saying.
"You really think I would do that?" I almost want to say yes. Take all the heat on me, because it's what everyone thinks anyway. Everyone thinks I had sex with a guy and then regretted it, so I called him a rapist. Or, my favourite, that he and I got into an argument after sleeping together. That I wanted more from him, but he just saw me as something to fuck so I called him a rapist to protect my reputation. Maybe I should go along with that story. Fuckin' high school. Everyone has their own story of what happened.
“I don’t know what to think anymore, Arya,” James says. “You won’t tell me anything.”
“James, I’m not the person everyone is making me out to be,” I say.
“Then who are you, Arya?” I stay silent. “Did he hurt you, Arya?” James asks honestly. The answer to this question will change everything. It will change how he looks at me.
He hurt me physically and emotionally. He hurt me in my soul. He hurt me in a place that I had never felt pain before. I felt helpless. I felt trapped. I had to see him all the time, knowing the truth about him while everyone else saw him as a god. Instead of lying down, like he was hoping, he ignited a fire in me, but I was the one that got burned. I don't know what I was hoping for with this conversation with James. Maybe I thought after a week that we could move on. But that was stupid. How can you move on from this? "No," I say, "he didn't hurt me." Better for James to stay away from me. Better for him to hate me than to bring him into a mess he doesn't deserve to be in. Malcolm and Mia's voices are distant. I don't even hear their advice anymore. I just hear my heart telling me to protect James, even if that means letting him go.
“Really, Arya?” James asks softly because he doesn’t believe me.
“I told you, I tried to ruin his reputation,” I say. “He angered me, and I tried to ruin his life. It backfired.”
“Would you have done that to me? If I upset you, would you try to ruin my reputation too?” James asks.
“How can you even say that?” I say. I cannot believe James would ask me that. It’s like it’s someone else, this isn’t the James I know.
“I shared everything with you, Arya!” James yells in my face. “I left nothing out, I told you everything, about my dad, about things I have never told anyone, but you can’t do the same for me! You are holding back from me. I can see it in your eyes. I don’t know what to do to make you tell me the truth. I’m all out of options, Arya. I can’t be with someone who keeps secrets from me.”
“James,” I say. “You told me once that people are entitled to their secrets.”
“Don’t throw that at me,” James says. “This is bigger than that and you know it. I can’t understand why you would call someone a…” he doesn’t want to say it, he shakes his head, “and you won’t let me understand because you won’t tell me anything.”
“You said you didn’t care why I came to East Side,” I say.
“This is different, Arya,” James says. “You are not the person I thought you were. The girl I knew would never do something like this. And if what you’re saying isn’t false, if you were…” he still doesn’t want to say it, “raped, I know you wouldn’t keep it from me. You can’t keep those things from som
eone you’re in a relationship with, Arya. I want to know what he did. I want to know what he could have done to make you so angry that you spray painted rapist on his locker. OR if he actually did do what you accused him of, and you are just not telling anyone the truth. You have to tell me, Arya. You have to tell me the truth. I promise I will believe you. And I will protect you. I told you, there’s no one I’m afraid to stand up against for you.”
He’s a monster, I want to tell James. He’s a sick person. But I can’t tell him. ‘You are never going to tell anyone about this, ever.’
“I’m sorry, James. I shouldn’t have come here,” I say, knowing that there is nothing I can do to save this relationship. I’m admitting defeat. I start to turn away from him.
“So that’s it?” James says and I look back at him. “You’re throwing us away?” he gestures between the two of us.
“I guess I am,” I say, the words painful coming out of my mouth. “I’ll stay away from you.”
"Stay away from my friends as well, Arya," James says angrily.
“Excuse me?” I say, surprised by the comment.
“I saw you yesterday with Malcolm.” James says. “I saw you two hugging in the hallway.”
“That didn’t mean anything.” I say. “He was just comforting me as a friend.”
"He's my friend, Arya," James says, pointing to himself. "Not yours. I don't want to watch you sinking your teeth into him or any of my other friends."
“James…” I start.
“I was fine before you came to East Side and I’ll be fine if we never cross paths again.” James throws his soccer bag over his shoulder and shuts his locker. “I have a soccer game to get to.” And then he just walks away from me.
And all I can do is stare after him.
How can one person cause so much destruction? The point of leaving West Side was to escape him, to get a fresh start. But he’s still here. He’s still ruining everything.
‘Do you know what guys say about you?’ he said to me. ‘They call you a prude, Arya. That you purposely make yourself look as desirable as possible, just so you can reject guys. That it’s a game to you. That you’re asking for it. They say that some guy just needs to bend you over and fuck you so that you can get over yourself. Knock you down a couple of pegs.’
East Side Academy Page 24