“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Daniel,” I say to him. “Stop talking about her as if you know her at all.”
“Why do you care, James?” Daniel says. “She’s not your girl anymore.”
“That doesn’t mean you can drag her name through the mud!” I yell at him. “Just because she showed no interest in you despite you trying to get her attention doesn’t mean you can insult her now because you think you have the upper hand.” I hit him where it hurts, and I can tell Daniel is heated with anger at the accusation that a Grade 11 girl rejected him. “What?” I smile at him. “Do you think she didn’t tell me about all the times you tried to flirt with her and talk to her? I let her handle it on her own because she didn’t need help dealing with some poor lovesick boy that couldn’t take a hint.” I hear ohhhing around me and I know that Daniel is not going to take this sitting down.
“What was she going to do, James?” Daniel says. “Accuse me of harassment? Accuse me of rape? Aren’t you scared that she’s going to do the same to you now that you’ve pissed her off by ending things with her?”
When he says this, I hear Arya saying, ‘How can you even say that?’, when I accused her of doing that to me. She was so shocked that I said it and I was too. She couldn’t believe that I would think that she would do that to me, and now? Hearing Daniel say it, I see how ridiculous it is and I can’t let these guys think that that thought ever crossed my mind. “No, I’m not,” I say confidently. “You need to shut up now, Daniel.”
“Or what?” Daniel says, starting to get up from his seat. “You know my story is probably partially right. Why else would you leave your girlfriend?” Because she doesn’t trust me with the truth. “If you didn’t think she did something wrong, you’d still be with her. The fact that you broke up with her just proves what everyone is thinking and saying about her.” That’s not it. I just can’t be with someone who doesn’t trust me. "Proves that she's not the perfect West Side angel everyone thought she was. Just another slut more concerned about her reputation than anything else. The girl who cried rape."
“Daniel!” Maurice says from the seat beside Daniel, taking his headphones off and having enough of this conversation. “Shut your mouth.”
“What’s your problem?” Daniel says to him.
“I thought you didn’t want to get involved in Grade 11 drama?” Maurice says.
“This is more than Grade 11 drama,” Daniel says and then turns to me. “Bet you’re glad you didn’t sleep with her now, hey Foxy?” I glare at him. “Or did you finally grow some balls and fuck her? I hope she was worth your reputation.”
I get up from my seat, not able to control myself anymore. His smirking face making my blood boil. “You are fuckin’…”
“Boys!” a voice calls from the front of the bus. I turn to see Mr. Quirrel walking his way through the aisle back to us, grabbing each seat as he does for balance. “What is going on back here?”
“Nothing, coach,” we all respond.
“Yeah, I’m sure,” Mr. Quirrel says unconvinced. “You guys better sort out your problems before the game. Without using your fists, I might add.” Mr. Quirrel just stares at us. He’s put so much effort into this soccer team that he can’t watch it fall apart because of, what seems like to him is, high school drama. “You are the captain, Daniel,” Mr. Quirrel looks straight at him. “Keep your guys in line, they look to you for leadership.”
“Ha!” I say out loud instead of keeping my thoughts in my head.
“What was that, James?” Mr. Quirrel turns on me.
"Nothing, Mr. Quirrel," I say and sit back down.
“Good,” Mr. Quirrel says. “We’ll be there in 10 minutes.” And then he makes his way back to the front of the bus.
“Better get your act together for the game, Fox,” Daniel taunts from behind, but I don’t even turn around. “Already lost the girl, would hate for you to lose your touch as well.”
Chapter 38 – Torn
“I thought I saw a man brought to life / He was warm, he came around like he was dignified / He showed me what it was to cry / Well, you couldn't be that man I adored / You don't seem to know, or seem to care what your heart is for / But I don't know him anymore” – Torn, Natalie Imbruglia
Arya
"One more round," Lincoln says to me as I gather up all the cards. We have a substitute for History and since Lincoln and I have finished all our work, we convinced her to let us do readings to get ahead in the cafeteria. Of course, we are just playing cards instead because there are plenty of Grade 12 students on spare that are doing the same thing. We are on a window ledge seat, me sitting cross-legged with my back against the wall while Lincoln sits in the middle of the window ledge, with one leg dangling over the edge, facing me.
"You've already beaten me three times," I complain.
"Then we can play a new game," Lincoln suggests, taking the cards from me and shuffling them.
“I’m done,” I say. “No more.”
“Is there something you want to talk about instead?” Lincoln asks, still shuffling the cards to keep his hands busy. Lincoln was right when I first met him, he’s always been good at reading people, it’s like a sixth sense to him.
“What do you think of James?” I ask Lincoln. I never sought out his opinion on James before because I just fell for James immediately and it didn’t matter what anyone said about him, I would have still dated him. I did what James asked of me and stayed away from him and his friends, but it’s hard. You can’t just switch off feelings. I keep hoping that James and I can work it out somehow.
"I think he's a good guy," Lincoln says honestly.
“Lincoln…” I say, tilting my head to the side.
“I think he feels a bit betrayed right now, Arya,” Lincoln says. “He shared everything with you, but you didn’t do the same for him. Like you were hiding a part of yourself from him that he had to learn from Lisa of all people.” We both smile at each other about that.
“What do I do then?” I ask. “I tried talking to him. He says I’m not telling him the truth, that I’m hiding something from him.”
“Is he right?” Lincoln asks.
"Good people do bad things sometimes," I say.
“Fine. Keep your secrets. He’ll come around though,” Lincoln says. “Just give him a bit of time.”
“And if he doesn’t?” I ask.
“He’ll come around,” Lincoln says with more emphasis. “I told you I’m good at reading people. Trust me on this.”
“How did I end up with such good friends?” I ask. “All of you have stuck by me throughout all of this, even when I tried to shut you out.”
“We’re not just going to give up on you or shut you out when you hit a low point, Arya,” Lincoln says. “True friends wouldn’t do that. When you are at your lowest point is when you need your friends the most.”
"I don't deserve you guys," I say.
"Oh, you definitely don't," Lincoln says jokingly and I slap him on the shoulder in mock anger. "But you are stuck with us." He smiles at me, but then asks, "You still okay? After what happened?"
He's talking about the attack from last week. The story around the school is that I went crazy and kneed a guy, who I've come to learn is named Eric, in the balls and he got pissed at me, threw me in the bathroom to try and fuck me, but then Alexander and Sebastian, my new favourite football players, stopped it before anything happened. I talked to both of them later. They told me they acted on impulse but looking back on it neither can believe that no one else in that hallway moved a muscle. It was only by chance that they were turning down the hallway and saw what happened in time to do anything.
“About as okay as you can be,” I say.
“Always here if you want to talk, Arya,” Lincoln says.
“I know,” I say. But it’s not something you want to just talk about. I told Diana the full story, but that’s it. I don’t want anyone else to know the details. I wonder if James knows what happened when he l
eft that hallway? Even if he hates me, it would kill him. I hope he never finds out.
James
"I heard you guys won your game yesterday," Lisa says to me as I look through the microscope, trying to make notes to identify the different slides I put underneath. She's standing to my left with her microscope, while the rest of the class is a mixture of students at their desks and on their microscopes for today's lab.
"Yes," I say, not looking up from my work.
“You guys have been doing well this season,” Lisa says. “Three wins in a row!”
"Yup," I reply, hoping that she can take a hint that I don't want to talk to her. But it hasn't worked for the past two years, so why should I expect anything different now?
“And then you guys play West Side next Tuesday,” Lisa says. “That’ll be a big game.”
"It will be," I say.
"Are you nervous about the game?" Lisa asks.
"Would you two please be quiet?" Diana says irritated as she stands to my right with her microscope. "Some of us are trying to do work and need to concentrate."
"You're already done, Diana," Lisa says. "You're just double-checking your work because you make mistakes. You know, it's easier if you do it right the first time."
Diana turns from her work to glare at Lisa beyond me. "We all make mistakes, Lisa. It doesn't hurt to double-check your work. You should try it sometime."
"Is that why you only got a 97% on the last Biology test?" Lisa says. "By double-checking your work?"
These girls will be the death of me. "Guys, can you please stop," I say. I see them both glare at each other before going back to their work in silence and I continue mine. But it only takes two minutes for that silence to be broken.
“I hope they let us out for your game next week,” Lisa says. “Would love to see you play again, James.”
I hear Diana slam hear pencil on the table. “Would you stop?” she says angrily.
“What’s your problem, Diana?” Lisa says. “We’re just having a conversation. Can’t you just mind your own business?”
“Seriously? You of all people are telling me to mind my own business?” Diana says. “You’re the pathetic one that was so jealous of Arya’s relationship with James that you had to ruin it.” Diana’s talking as if I’m not here, listening to every word she says. “Well congratulations Lisa! You ruined their relationship and guess what? James still doesn’t want you.” Lisa’s face is filled with outrage and I snort a laugh at the two of them. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten about you, Fox.” She turns her anger towards me.
“What?” I say, genuinely surprised that she is upset with me.
"You just gave up on Arya, even when she's tried to reach out to you," Diana says. "You abandoned her when she needed you most. When the whole school turned against her, you were the first one. You made it okay for people to be cruel to her and to judge her."
"She doesn't trust me," I say.
"This isn't about you!" Diana exclaims. "She hasn't told me anything, but it doesn't mean I turn my back on her. She is lucky that she has me and the rest of our friend group that has stuck by her through this because you have been a terrible boyfriend. I expected more from you James," Diana says, disappointed in the person before her. "I expect cruelty from people like Lisa, but not you James."
I reflect on what Diana has told me. “Have people really been cruel to her?” I ask. The words just fall out before I can stop them, and I know that I have said the wrong thing.
Diana's nostrils flare and her eyes turn angrier if that's even possible. "Just open your eyes, James. Think about someone else other than yourself for a change. Think about what she must feel like right now. If the kind, popular James Fox turns his back on his girlfriend, why shouldn't everyone else? You made it open season on her. You are lucky she has thick skin."
“I’m sorry, Diana…” I begin.
"Don't listen to her," Lisa says from behind me. "Arya tried to ruin a guy's reputation and got kicked out of West Side. She kept this from you with no intention of ever telling you, so what does that say about her?"
“You don’t know anything, Lisa!” Diana yells at her.
“Ms. Bathory, Mr. Fox, Ms. Warrior,” we hear our Biology teacher, Mrs. Binns, call from behind us and we all turn to face her. “I hope you are finished with your lab,” she says.
“Yes, Mrs. Binns,” both Lisa and Diana say in unison.
Damn these girls. “Mr. Fox?” Mrs. Binns asks.
"Almost, Mrs. Binns," I say.
“Then please stop talking to these girls and get back to work,” she says and turns her attention to another student.
Chapter 40 – Don’t Let Me Down
“Crashing, hit a wall / Right now I need a miracle / Hurry up now, I need a miracle / Stranded, reaching out / I call your name but you're not around / I say your name but you're not around / I need you, I need you, I need you right now / Yeah, I need you right now / So don't let me, don't let me, don't let me down / I think / I'm losing my mind now / It's in my head, darling I hope / That you'll be here, when I need you the most / So don't let me, don't let me, don't let me down / Don't let me down” – Don’t Let Me Down, The Chainsmokers
Arya
"What's the matter, Arya?" Mr. Sprout says to me on the sidelines during halftime of our fourth soccer game.
"I don't know, Mr. Sprout," I say. To say that I have been underperforming in all our soccer games since the start of the season would be an understatement. I miss the net, I can't pass properly, I make too many mistakes and too many turnovers of the ball are my fault. It's like nothing can go right. And then the more I try to focus and do better, the worse I get. It's been happening for the past three games and now this one as well.
"Well, you better figure it out," Mr. Sprout says to me and then calls out, "Hansen!" One of the girls looks at him. "You're in for Secord." She nods to him and starts heading out to the field.
The ref’s whistle blows, signaling the start of the second half. We are up 2-1, but we should be doing better, I should be doing better. Despite me bringing the team down, they have still managed to remain undefeated.
“Here’s thinking that at one point I was worried that you were going to outshine me,” Isabella says to me before she goes to the field. “I guess it turns out I had nothing to be worried about.” And then she sprints off, happier than I’ve ever seen her before.
I can’t help it. I’m so frustrated with myself. I grab my water bottle and slam it into the ground while the other girls on the bench purposely look away from me, pretending that nothing is wrong. I scream. Why does this keep happening to me?
I wish I had known that as the anger was building inside of me, at the same time, on a different field, that someone else was having the same issues as me.
James
"He can't pass, he keeps missing the net and keeps losing the ball!" Daniel yells at Mr. Quirrel during half time of our fourth soccer game. I just sit on the bench, knowing that everything he's saying is right but for some reason, I can't change. It's been happening for the past three games and now this one too. The more I try, the worst it gets, and Daniel loves the opportunity to throw it in my face as much as he can. Even though I have been playing terribly, the team has still managed to stay undefeated so far.
“Calm down, Daniel,” Mr. Quirrel says to him.
“You need to bench him!” Daniel yells.
“I’ll handle it!!” Mr. Quirrel yells louder than I have ever heard, and it just silences everyone. The ref blows his whistle for the start of the second half. “King!” Mr. Quirrel calls and a guy from the bench stands up. “In for Fox.” He nods and then the whole team jogs out onto the field. I get up from the bench, still frustrated with myself. Why does this keep happening? “What is it, Fox?” Mr. Quirrel asks me.
"I don't know," I say.
“Yes, you do,” Mr. Quirrel says.
No POV
Mr. Quirrel is still young, he still remembers what it's like to be
in school, to be under pressure and feel like the world is on your shoulders. He's a coach, he's a teacher, but the most important thing he can do for his students and players is to try to lessen that burden and pressure they feel. Mr. Quirrel is also not oblivious. He's seen James and Arya together plenty of times to know that there was a relationship between them. He was embarrassed one day overhearing the female Physical Education teachers discussing in their office how they shipped the two of them. Clearly, James and Arya were no longer together, and it seems it has had a considerable effect on James' soccer performance.
James
"Whatever happened you can fix it," Mr. Quirrel says to me. I look at him questionably while he just stares out on the field at the game. Does he know? And if so, how much? "The answer is yes," Mr. Quirrel says as if he's reading my mind. "Teachers do know about the relationships of students, even when we don't want to."
"I messed up," I say, for some reason opening myself up to my soccer coach of all people. I think of what Malcolm and Diana both said to me. They're right. They're both right. Arya is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I just gave up on her when things got messy. "She did something bad, but I think she had a reason, but she won't tell me. I feel like she doesn't trust me." I can't believe I'm letting all my thoughts out to my coach on the side of the soccer field, but he doesn't seem to be phased by it. "I turned my back on her, I shut her out which made it okay for everyone else to do the same." Diana said I made it open season on her. Daniel said I proved to everyone that what they were thinking and saying about her was right. I left her to the wolves, only thinking about myself. "I let her down when she needed me the most." I consider what to say next. Mr. Quirrel is just silent next to me, still watching the soccer game.
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