“I thought we’d talked about safety in the workplace.”
I startle her and she loses her balance. My hand shoots up to steady her and I’m full-on palming her ass.
I’d come in intending to apologize and now I’ve made things even more awkward.
She takes hold of the ladder and she’s turned a gorgeous shade of pink.
“Sorry,” I say, reluctantly pulling my hand away.
She tucks a stray strand of hair behind her ear. “You don’t have anything to be sorry about, Vinny.”
She means about what happened last night.
“We’re both adults,” she continues. “And you’ve been clear about your feelings.”
I still feel like shit, though. I want to be the right person for her, but I’m just not.
She turns back to the tree and screws in the bulb. The tree lights up.
I let her climb down from the ladder.
“Boots?”
“They have square heels.”
“Oh, well, of course that’s different.”
She laughs, and I find myself desperate to touch her again. We stand there for a few minutes. My inability to act here only confirms that I can’t be the man she needs.
“The passenger ferry gets in around six,” I say, finally. “The cargo ferry should be here already with my shingles.”
“You sure I can’t help you with that roofing?” she asks.
“No, you’ve already violated OSHA safety standards with regards to ladder use and I’m afraid the union just can’t abide such flagrant rule breaking.”
“Too bad,” she says. “I bet I’d be great at roofing.”
“You’re probably great at most things.”
She smiles wryly. “Not so sure about that.”
I’m making things so much worse. She’s given me an out, and I just can’t take it. Why? Why won’t I?
She’s like one of those mythological sirens. I’m not ready to wreck on her shore, though. Not yet. I need some time alone to think.
“I meant what I said, Sia. I really do care about you.”
“I believe you.” Her voice is warm, but the look in her eyes is distant, far, like from Boston to the Vineyard.
“I’m almost ready to go here—Kristi’s invited everyone from here to Nantucket. Should be an interesting crowd.”
She’s giving me another out.
“I’m glad you could help Kristi get to the salvage. She should be full-time at sea. Having that under her belt will help a lot.”
I want her to know that I’m aware of her kindness. That I know she wasn’t just spending money to be frivolous. That I had been wrong about her.
“I’m just glad I could do something for her. Do you think her parents will let her join the Guard full-time?”
Always with the quid pro quo. I decide to say something this time. “You know, it’s okay to let people help you for the sake of helping you. It’s not a zero-sum game. You don’t owe Kristi anything for piloting the boat that rescued you.” My hand drifts to the bow around her neck.
“I just like doing nice things for people.” She doesn’t tell me to stop touching her, so I untie the bow.
“I know. I’m just saying that you don’t have anything to prove.”
She frowns, and opens her mouth to say something, but changes her mind and closes it.
“Kristi’s parents are good people. They must know that keeping her cooped up in that boutique isn’t good for her. Besides.” I start retying her bow. “Eventually Sven is bound to catch on that Kristi’s into him too, and he can take over running the liquor store with Kristi’s dad and leave the boutique to her mom.”
She’s not at all surprised that I know, and I find it oddly flattering.
“With you and Kristi working together he’s sure to figure out how to make a move.”
She reaches for my hand. She’s got flexibility back, and her scrapes are healing. The big bruise on her right hand is still a dark purple, though. She sees the concern on my face and drops my hand so she can move hers behind her back.
“Don’t.”
I don’t know what I want, or where this is going. But I don’t want her to hide her pain from me to make room to hold mine.
“It’s not pretty,” she sighs, looking at the back of her hand.
“You’re beautiful, Sia. Bruises and all.”
She’s confused, and I don’t blame her. I am too.
I need to get the hell out of here.
“I have to go. I’ll see you when I get back.”
“Are you coming?” she asks. “To the party, I mean?”
I don’t think there’s any way to avoid it. She’ll need a bodyguard in any case, and it will be good to see Kieran and his brothers.
“Wouldn’t miss it. I have the perfect sweater in mind.”
Her laughter is genuine this time. I hug her. Can’t help myself. She wraps her arms around my waist, and as I hold her, I think about how nice it might be to be able to hold her all the time. When I let her go, she’s resigned but smiling.
“Careful on the ladder,” she says, as I head out the door. “Vinny.”
I look over my shoulder.
“It really isn’t far. Boston, I mean. Not if you don’t want it to be.”
I just don’t know.
“Depends on who’s operating the boat,” I call back. I’m not ready to give a hard yes or no. Not yet.
She doesn’t reply, and I leave to pick up the supplies I need to finish my roof and check in on the cleanup of Sia’s stuff. Everything will be ready by Christmas Eve, including that first portfolio.
A Christmas miracle, Sia would say.
Back at the fish shack, I finish my repairs, satisfied with the waterproofing and the shingling work. I retrieve Taco and bring him home, along with a few things I’d left at Danny’s.
And just like that, I’m alone again.
It’s always been so peaceful here, but now I don’t know if it’s peaceful or sad. My time with Sia plays out before me like the ghost of Christmas past. Her limp, frozen body in my arms giving way to the warm, full person that she is.
Thinking about her in that storm scares the shit out of me now. I haven’t felt this kind of fear since I was a kid.
I hate this feeling.
My phone rings, saving me from having to wrestle with feelings. Kieran. Maybe he’s early?
I answer.
“Hey, Vinny! You fix the roof? My cousin drive you batty yet?”
I bristle. I know he’s kidding, but I don’t want him talking about her like she’s a joke. Not after everything she’s been through.
“Everything’s fine. Are you on your way?”
“I’m calling Sia next,” he replies. “It looks like we’re not going to be able to come out. What with my dad being sick and all.”
She’ll be devastated. Plus it’s not like Murphy to not honor a commitment, especially not to his family. I wonder if he knows this decision is being made in his name.
“Can some of you come out? Seeing you is really important to her. It doesn’t have to be everyone. She wouldn’t want your dad’s health to be compromised. She loves him like a father.”
The other end is quiet. Like Kieran figures he’s called the wrong number. I don’t blame him—I’m just as surprised.
“She’s been talking nonstop about getting your family together.”
“I’m sorry,” Kieran says. “I really am. But Sia’s a resilient kid. She’ll be okay. We’ll make it up to her with a big New Year’s bash.”
Kieran doesn’t have a mean bone in his body, but his answer strikes me as flippant, even if unintentionally. “She’s not a kid, Kieran. And she’s resilient because she’s had to be. I don’t think you know the extent of what she’s been through.”
I’m guessing Sia didn’t tell her cousins how Danny blamed her for Drew’s death, and that she probably still blames herself, completely without reason. I tell Kieran for her.
The silence hangs
between us.
“Christ. That’s beyond fucked up,” Kieran says, finally. “Thank you for telling me.” Something in his tone shifts. “It sounds like you two have gotten close?”
I can’t tell if he’s just surprised or jealous that Sia’s been able to get to me in a way he hasn’t.
“She’s had a rough time, Kieran. She came back hoping to make amends with your uncle and nearly drowned and froze to death along the way. She’s strong as hell, but even the strongest people have their breaking point.”
“What do you mean nearly drowned and froze to death?” Kieran interjects.
She hadn’t told them that either.
“She came over during the nor’easter and the boat she was on stalled out. The Guard had to go out and rescue her and the boat captain. She was in rough shape for a while.”
“Fucking hell. I wish she’d said something. What the fuck else don’t we know? Were you on the rescue team?”
“Yeah. She saved the captain’s life. Held his head above water after he got knocked out. I wish she’d told you too, but maybe there’s a reason she didn’t? She didn’t want to worry you all with your dad being ill.”
“I am sorry,” he says. He sounds more contrite now. “We’d never want to hurt Sia. Her good for nothing parents have done that enough. But we can’t help her if she won’t tell us what’s going on.”
Fair enough. “She’s holding on to a lot of shit she shouldn’t be. Things Danny forced her to hold when he was too blinded by his grief to understand what he was doing.”
Being with Sia has unearthed a lot of feelings I’ve tried to keep buried for a long time too. Suddenly I’m angry at everyone who hurt her, even a little, and maybe also at the people who fucked me up and made it impossible for me to make what should be the easiest decision of my life.
“I’ll call her and apologize,” Kieran says. “Vinny, I didn’t know any of this.”
“I know you have your hands full. But if even just you could come out?”
“It could be my dad’s last Christmas.”
I hear the pain layered in his voice.
My anger dissolves.
“I’m sorry, man,” I say. “Why don’t you let me talk to Sia first? I’ll tell her in person.” I can’t believe I’m saying this. I’m going to hate every second of it. But Kieran’s been good to me. I can do this for him. And for Sia.
I don’t want her to be alone when she finds out.
“Tell her we love her,” he says. “We do, Vinny. All of us. We’ve been doing Christmas together since we were kids, and I’m sorry to let her down.”
“I will. Also, how did you manage to set the tree on fire?” It’s not exactly relevant to the situation at hand, but I want to hear this story.
“Huh? Oh, that. I’d seen this movie with a Christmas tree that had actual candles instead of light bulbs and I thought that was fucking cool. I taped some birthday candles to the branches and lit them with my dad’s lighter. Not the brightest thing I’ve ever done.”
“And yet very on brand.”
“You’re a dick. Anyway, we had some fire extinguishers and were able to put the tree out before the fire got out of hand.”
“Murphy is a wise, well-provisioned man.”
“Yeah, well, I thought he was going to kill me, but after we went to pick up Sia and he saw she’d basically been abandoned, he was too pissed at her folks to remember to school me for being a dumbass. I guess I owe her for that, too.”
We talk for a few more minutes, and he asks me again to reassure Sia.
I hang up and take a deep, centering breath. It’s close to 5 P.M. I look out my window and see Kristi pull up in a van from her parents’ liquor store. Sia will be busy getting her party squared away, but I have to tell her this now.
Distracting myself, I help Kristi unload the boxes of bottles. So many bottles. It’ll fill up the bar with the mixers and then some. We take them into the ballroom. Sia’s decorated the trees with her aunt’s ornaments, along with other things she must’ve found in those boxes from the basement. She practically bounces up to me.
“Vinny,” she says. “I know you thought I was silly for holding on to my tote bag the other night, but it’s because Drew’s ornament was in there. The one our aunt Kathleen made for him. I was hoping my uncle would want it back. At least for now.”
She’s holding my forearms, a dazzling smile on her face.
“And I gave it to him. I was afraid he’d be angry, but he wasn’t. And he apologized for what he said all those years ago.”
She’s glowing. She looks stunning.
“And he’s excited about Christmas together. It’s going to be so great.”
Kristi’s taking this all in as she passes by. I don’t blame her. It must look out of character from who everyone here thinks I am.
Who I’ve had them believe I am.
“Sia,” I say, tugging on her elbow. “Do you have a few minutes to talk? I know you’re busy, but it’s important.”
A nervous look passes her face. She glances over at the back door to the ballroom where the caterers are coming in and out with dishes.
“Yeah,” she says. “Sure.”
I walk her out to a room off to the side of the ballroom. It’s going to be some kind of lounge for guests. I pull her down on the couch next to me.
“Kieran called just now.”
“Is he okay?” She blurts it out without thought. “Is it Murphy?”
“Yes. Well, sort of.”
She’s perched on the edge of the couch now, her hands gripping the wool of her trousers.
“They’re not coming, Sia. I’m sorry. Kieran said they were afraid to take him on the ferry since he’s been sick and didn’t want to leave him alone if it’s his last Christmas.”
She blinks a few times, taking in what I’ve said. The disappointment barely registers on her face before she’s replaced it with a small smile. “My cousins need to be with their dad. It’s a big ask having people come all the way to the island, and the cold can’t be good for Murphy. I’ll miss them, but it’s just bad timing.”
Like myself, she’s all too familiar with disappointment.
“I wish it were something I could be mad about,” she says. “It’s a shitty thing to say but being mad is easier. But Murphy’s always been so good to me, and my cousins too. I wish we could’ve gotten everyone together one last time, but life doesn’t always work out the way you hope it will.”
No. That is for sure. I want to hug her, but I’m not sure if that will make things better or worse.
“Thank you for telling me,” she says, giving my hand a squeeze. “I know this couldn’t have been easy for you.”
I tip up her chin.
“Sia, this isn’t about me.”
“Well, we’ll have fun tonight anyway.” She’s resigned herself already. Sealed off the wound. “And maybe we can still help Kristi and Sven find some happiness?”
It’s a distraction, but who can blame her. I decide to hug her and press my face to the crook of her neck. She’s stiff for a moment but then melts against me.
“It really sucks,” she says. “I don’t just mean my cousins not coming. I mean Drew’s overdose. Murphy’s cancer. All those assholes who didn’t treat you with the kindness you deserve. And all the wreckage these shitty things leave in their wake.” She tips her head up to look at me. To see how her statement lands.
“It does suck.” I can’t say more than that, not when she needs me to hold it together.
She cuddles against me for a little while longer and then lets out a soft sigh.
“I have to finish setting up and then get ready,” she says. “I’m really glad you’re coming tonight.”
She smiles and pulls a hand through my hair.
“Not with my hair like this,” I say, smoothing it down. “I need to go get pretty for you.”
“I can’t wait to see that sweater again,” she says, tugging down the hem of my t-shirt. “I’ll have to thro
w down if any lonely housewives get designs on you.”
Her hands fall to her side. “I mean unless they’re really hot and it’s consensual.”
A hint of defeat creeps back into her voice.
“You’re hot. I don’t suppose you have time to visit the kitchen with me?”
She blushes. “Not right now, but there’s always the cleanup.”
I press a kiss to her neck. “See you later.”
“Mm,” she says, leaning into my kiss. “I will.”
I watch her leave, and I think about what it will feel like when I watch her leave for the last time. My heart lodges firmly in my throat as I realize how deep my feelings for Sia are. She’s incredible: kind, strong, and generous to a fault.
It’s not that I thought she’d throw a tantrum when she found out her cousins couldn’t join her, but I thought she’d be angry, given how much the holiday means to her. And it’s her birthday, too. But no. She was sad to miss her family, but her empathy was for her cousins, not for herself. I wish any of my foster families had had a modicum of that perspective, of that empathy.
What’s it like to have someone like Sia love you?
And why do I suddenly want so badly to find out?
15
Sia
I want to throw something against the wall. Something glass. Watch it shatter into a million pieces.
I hate that I’m finally starting to reconcile with Danny just in time to lose Murphy. I hate that we can’t all be together, and the helplessness gives me the same choking feeling the wet scarf around my neck did on the Ivy Bay. I can’t fix this.
I’m grateful for the busy work of the party. In the ballroom, I direct catering, check the sound system, and get Sven caught up on the bar.
Kieran calls around the time the ferry was supposed to arrive, but I let it go to voicemail. I don’t want to make him feel guilty, and since it’d be hard to keep the sadness out of my voice it’s better to not talk to him. Even if I had time, I just can’t listen to him apologize. He’s making the right decision by taking care of his father.
Kristi asks if everything is okay, and I reassure her. I’m glad I have something to look forward to—getting Sven and Kristi on the same page is going to be very satisfying.
Hooked: A Christmas Romance: The Doyles, Boston Irish Mafia Romance Page 9