Alana walked to the kitchen to wait. She had barely waited a minute when Brad joined her.
“What’s up?” he asked. He had learned to ask that from her brother. Johnson always used those words at the first sign of trouble. Six months into their relationship, and after hearing three stories about Johnson, Brad picked it up. Alana used to find it cute in those days. Now, however, as she stood leaning on the counter top, she found it ironic. The way he said it unconsciously tugged at something deep inside her.
Pleading, she said, “I don’t want to fight anymore please.”
She walked over to where he stood by the door waiting, intent on giving him a hug. He said nothing. She stopped mid stride, but stood close enough to him, without touching him.
“I’ll tell you what you wanted to hear last night.”
He shrugged.
“But before that, there is something else I need to tell you first.”
He continued to stare at her without the slightest hint of curiosity. The way he looked at her with that dull disinterest was immensely discouraging. It made her want to abandon the effort at conversation. But she needed to break the cold wall that had developed between them. She needed to tell him, and she needed him to hear what she had to say. She let her voice form the words she had been wanting to, but dreading to let out.
“I’m pregnant.”
Now it was off her chest. Alana watched him closely. For a moment his face remained passive and unchanged, then the brows furrowed. “What?”
“I am pregnant,” she said again keeping her eyes on his.
His mouth stayed shut as he tried to process the information. His face went halfway through the process of breaking into a smile then stopped along the way giving in to confusion.
“When did you find out?” he asked.
“This morning-” Alana told him, still hopeful. “I did a test.”
“Strip?”
“Both a home pregnancy test and a blood test.”
He took her hands and pulled her close. Although it was something she yearned for, it was also the last thing she wanted at that moment. “How far along are you?”
“About three weeks,” she said quietly.
This was hard to reveal. It was harder than telling him she was pregnant. It took a superhuman effort to open her mouth and say it. Saying it was like indicting herself, a way of telling him it wasn’t his own. Maybe she should have told him eight weeks instead. Maybe she could reach an agreement with the doctor. Who knew, smile here, a caress on the arm, a pat on the chest could perhaps get him to change three weeks to eight weeks. Then maybe everything would be fine again. Maybe Brad would pull her in tighter and tell her I love you. That was what he had done when she had gotten pregnant with Aaryn. He had pulled her to his chest and professed his unwavering love for her. Then he had lifted her up, like she was a little baby and had kissed her so deeply that she lost track of time. What followed was a night of wild sex. She remembered that night like it was yesterday. Yet, it felt like memories of another lifetime. So much has happened, so much has changed...
But now as she stood, she realised she was standing close to him. So close to him that if she tilted her head forward it would touch his chest. Despite the closeness, he felt distant from her. She couldn’t feel any warmth from him. The hands that held hers became slack when he suddenly let go.
“Three weeks? But …”
Confusion flooded his countenance.
“I know baby. That’s the problem.” Alana said almost in a whisper, pressing herself against him.
“We haven’t had sex in over 6 weeks!” Brad said taking steps backward. “I think it’s almost two months.”
“I know.”
“Are you sure?” She felt the jab in his voice. The disbelief was beginning to get tinged with a hint of contempt almost.
She had asked this same question at the clinic. Are you sure? And they had told her yes with congratulatory smiles on their faces. If only they knew. This could have been an out. An escape route she could take. Maybe the lab guys made a mistake. Maybe she could go to another clinic tomorrow and tell them… but then he might go with her. And even if he didn’t go with her, she couldn’t lie to him about this. This was her husband for God’s sake.
“That’s what they said at the lab.” Oh, how she hated this.
“Wait. You are joking right?” The laughter that followed the question was short and forced.
“I wish I were baby.”
“You are not?”
“I’m about three weeks pregnant.”
She tried once again to wedge herself against his body, hoping that he would hold her again, as he did before. But it was a foolish hope. His hands remained at his sides and his body became rigid.
Alana shut her eyes and waited for him to say something. Her heart thudded hard against her rib cage making her feel nauseous again. She swallowed twice to hold it down and continued to wait. Yet he did not say anything. She felt his chest rise and fall and rise and fall and rise and fall and felt his body get even more tensed.
Ten seconds became twenty and then thirty. A minute went by in that manner. She, leaning against him waiting. He leaned against the wall, saying nothing.
She couldn’t bear the tense silence any longer. Disentangling her arms from his body, she looked up so she could see his face. “Baby won’t you say anything?”
He looked down at her, but still his mouth remained shut.
“I don’t understand this whole thing,” she said. “I asked the doctor if he was sure and he said yes. I don’t know how it is possible.” At this point tears started to form a pool in her eyes. The steady stream begun to leak unto her cheeks.
He kept staring at her.
“You know the last time we did it, maybe… I don’t know. The doctor is wrong.”
He looked away, taking his eyes up and heaving a heavy sigh.
“You know that it’s only you …” she stopped along the way, unwilling to go down that path unless he brought it up. Ordinarily he wouldn’t even consider it, but in the light of the present circumstances and after last night’s fight, she could only pray that he wouldn’t.
“Is it only me?”
His words pierced through her heart like hot daggers. She felt weak.
“Is it only me?” He asked again.
“Baby…” She started. Even though she was indignant, she still understood his reasoning. “It pains me that you would even ask that.”
“Why shouldn’t I?” He moved away from the wall, shaking her off in the process. His hands were curled up into tight fists at his sides as he walked to the other end of the kitchen. “You said you are about three weeks along. I remember the last time you had your period. I remember that we haven’t been together since then. And now you are telling me that you are pregnant.”
“Baby it could be a mistake.”
“The blood test was a mistake?”
“No. I mean the time frame.”
“Oh yeah?” He glared at her.
“I swear to God I haven’t been with any man since you left!” She screamed, almost like a testimony.
“Is Greg included?”
She fought to keep her expression free of guilt. “Yes goddamit. I told you he’s just a friend now. I haven’t been with anyone except you baby, you have to believe me.”
“A friend that you chat with about sex,” he snapped in disgust. He looked at her like she was the scum of the earth.
“A friend that I…”
His hands went up. “I went through your text messages this afternoon. You left your phone at home and curiosity got the better of me.”
Oh God no.
Brad shook his head sadly. “I wish I hadn’t. My own wife betraying me!” He yelled.
“Calm down before Aaryn hears us,” she pleaded in urgent whispers, “Baby, I swear what you saw is not what you think it is.”
“Oh yeah. What is it then?” He was too angry to care about his voice now.
&n
bsp; “It’s just a chat.” She tried to reason. She knew this conversation was already heading the way she dreaded.
Brad chuckled mirthlessly. “Who does this baby belong to?”
“You, it can’t be anyone else’s.”
The moment Alana said it she realized how foolish it may sound.
“Me?”
“You’re the only person that could’ve done it, baby I swear.” By now the tears were pouring down her face like an angry waterfall. She knew she didn’t dishonor him. She had to make him believe her. But the reports were damning enough. Even she wouldn’t believe herself had she not known better.
Desperate, she covered the distance between them and made a move to take his hands. Brad swung them away from her grasp and made his way out of the kitchen.
“Brad please.”
Everything was blurry, obscured by the tears that were filling her eyes quickly. She paused to wipe them off with her shirt sleeve.
“Brad!”
He didn’t answer her. He couldn’t bear to remain in the same room with her anymore. Not right now at least. He left the room as if the hounds of Hades was chasing him.
Later on that night, Brad returned to their bedroom, but he refused to speak to her. He simply turned off the lamp on his side of the bed and drifted to sleep.
At about three o’clock in the morning, Alana stirred and reached for Brad. She needed to feel his warmth. Instead, her hands felt nothing but cold sheets. Her eyes popped open and she turned to face Brad. He wasn’t there.
She quickly turned on her lamp, her heart racing. Did he leave?! Her mind screamed.
It was then that she noticed a ripped piece of paper on his nightstand. She bounded over to his side of the bed and snatched it up.
Went for a walk, Brad wrote.
Her heavy breathing slightly subsided. He didn’t leave, she calmed herself.
She crept to the nursery to check on their daughter. She was still fast asleep.
She was startled as her phone began to ring the moment her feet crossed the threshold to she and Brad’s bedroom. She picked up the phone quickly, almost dropping it in the process.
“Hello?” she answered breathlessly.
“Ewww! I hope you two are not having sex,” Greg’s sarcasm was evident in his tone.
Her face immediately scrunched in disgust. “Why are you calling me at three o’clock in the morning, Greg?”
“I needed to talk to you.”
“Well, I need to talk to you too!” she snapped.
“About what?” His previous sarcasm was replaced with curiosity.
“Did you…” She stopped herself. How the hell do I even ask him such a thing?
After a few moments, he sensed that he had lost her. “Alana?”
“What?” she snapped back into the conversation.
“You were saying…?”
She shook her head. “Nothing. We need to discuss this in person.”
“Discuss what—“
“I will speak to you at a reasonable hour.” She hung up and turned her phone on silent before he could utter another word.
She had done so just in the nick of time, because she heard Brad’s keys turning in the front door. She quickly jumped back into the bed and turned her light off, pretending to be asleep so she wouldn’t have to face him.
9
Brad woke up the next morning with Alana’s revelation heavy on his mind.
He went to Aaryn first before going out to his car. He thought his early morning walk would do it, but he still couldn’t shake his rage.
“Are you getting me the cookie now?” she asked.
“Mommy will get it for you.”
He bent and kissed her on the forehead then rose and went to the door.
“Play with me daddy!” Aaryn said.
“Daddy has to go somewhere, so I can’t right now.”
Her face clouded up. He hated to leave her like this, but he needed to get out of this house. This house of betrayal. He feared what he would do or say if he stayed any longer. He needed some air far away from Lana.
“Don’t worry, we will have fun tomorrow okay? I love you baby girl.”
She lowered her head and fiddled with her toy car. Brad wanted to go to her then and tell her he wasn’t going anywhere anymore. He would be here to play with her for as long as she wanted. And when she got tired, he would be the one to give her a bath and tuck her in. But Alana walked into the living room then, with a tear streaked face.
He unbolted the door and left the house.
His mind was blank as he walked down the driveway, around her car to his which was parked out on the street. At the door he stopped to look back at the house and beheld the most haunting image he had ever seen in all of his adult life.
His wife stood in the doorway watching him go, with his daughter by her side, clutching her toy. They were silhouetted by the light coming from the living room since the porch light was not on.
With great effort he pulled the door open and got into the car. He had to sort himself out.
He drove away without looking back at them again.
***
The time as displayed by the digital clock on the console was 7:15pm.
There was still a fair amount of traffic in the streets, so it was hard for him to think as he drove. He had been driving almost all day – at first aimlessly – then with a set destination in mind. He sighed and focused on the other vehicles that surrounded him. On one street there would be what appeared to be a long line of cars rolling forward different places, then when he turned into another street there would be so few of them it seemed that most car owners had gone on a driving break. Then the long stretches of free road would tempt him to step on the gas. But he would ignore it. This was not a moment to fly as if he was on some mission to save the world. He had left that back in Mississippi. Now that he was here it would be a while before he would get on a job that would necessitate that kind of high again.
Originally, he had set out for Stone Heights, just five streets away. It was where Cliff resided, on a rambling ranch that should have belonged in the country side. His need for succor and clarity had put him on the path to that place before he realized how bad a choice it was.
It was the first place Alana would call when he failed to get back before ten pm. It would be awkward if he refused to speak to her or go back home. Besides, Cliff and his wife would bury him with a million questions, questions he wouldn’t want to answer just yet. No, it wasn’t the right place to be tonight.
So, he swung left at the intersection at the end of the block, avoiding the street that would have taken him there. He set the car instead on the path that would take him to the highway. There was a motel he knew down there. That was where he would spend the night, alone with his thoughts.
10
Getting Aaryn into bed was difficult. Not even her favorite songs could get her to calm down. She had been upset by the tears on Alana’s face. It took a while to assure her that mommy was okay, and that daddy would be back soon.
Getting her to sleep instead of waiting for daddy to come and tuck her in took fifteen minutes of Celine Deon’s “Precious One” playing on repeat. By the time Alana walked into the master bedroom, she was exhausted and all the tears that she had been forced to hold back began to resurface. Fear was her bed partner tonight. The fear of losing Brad. The fear was as cold as a wintry night, lying in the pit of her stomach like a curled-up snake that was waiting to strike.
When her cellphone started to ring, she remembered she hadn’t even looked at it since she left it in the morning. Saying a short prayer that it would be Brad, she picked it and checked the caller ID: It was Greg. She sighed, wiped away her tears and picked the call: “Greg.” She said in the most upbeat voice she could muster.
“Hey babes, how are you?”
Not good. Courtesy of you. “I’m fine.”
“Good. Look, I want to know when Brad will be free to come for the interview.”
Oh this. She had totally forgotten it in the heat of things. “Err… I haven’t told him yet.”
“You haven’t what? Also, what were you going on about when I called you earlier?”
She didn’t want to deal with this right now. How do you ask someone a question like that without sounding accusatory? She had wanted to tell Brad about the interview that previous afternoon to ease his suspicions, but the bomb she dropped on him left no room to talk about anything else. Now that she was talking with Greg, she found herself regretting that. Maybe she should have told Brad. Perhaps this news would have diffused some of the tension between them. It may have even settled things. But she hadn’t told Brad and now Greg was asking about it. There was no way this opportunity was going to waste.
“I’ll tell him first thing in the morning,” she said.
“What happened to now?” Greg asked.
“Well… he isn’t home yet.”
“What else did you have to talk to me about?”
Alana’s head felt like it was spinning. She knew she needed to have this conversation with him, and soon, but she simply didn’t want to deal with it right now.
“Later.” Her reply was short.
“Look, Alana, I’m not trying to keep playing tag about this—“
“What did we do that night at the hotel?” The words had rushed out of her before she could stop herself. She covered her mouth with her hand as if Greg could see her.
“What?” Greg sounded confused.
“Nothing.”
“Why are you asking about the hotel?”
“Let’s just keep this conversation about Brad.” She hated herself for retracting, but if it was true, she didn’t know how she would process it.
Greg blew out a short breath. “Fine. Why don’t you ask him while I’m on the phone?”
“I told you he wasn’t here.” Alana felt her ears growing hot. She rubbed the back of her neck to ease the tension that she felt.
“Well call him and tell him.” Greg sounded impatient. “Do you know how many people would give an arm for this opportunity?”
My Wife's Baby Page 4