by David Slavin
“What did you do, Mumce?” I ask.
“I taught these naughty boys a lesson: if you act pigheaded, you might end up being pigheaded!”
“My mother’s gonna kill me,” says Puneous Pig.
“So that’s why there are pigs all over the island,” Mathena says to Mumce. “You’ve done this before!”
“It’s not my fault there are so many disobedient children in the world!” snaps Mumce. “I’m just trying to be the best mother I can be! And speaking of that, Mommy thinks it’s time for all her little darlings to go beddy-bye. That is . . . unless you’re going to be pigheaded about it.”
Gaseous yawns loudly. “Not me, Mommy! I’m soooooo tired!”
“Us too, Mama!” says Mathena. “Right, Oddy?”
“I’M POOPED, MA!” I yawn, until Mathena elbows me in the ribs.
“Put a sock in it, Sleepy!” hisses Mathena. “Night night, Mumzy Wumzy!”
“Good night, my sweet petunias! Sleep tight! Don’t let the pig lice bite!”
“Don’t let the bedbugs bite” is bad enough—but pig lice???
Naturally, Mumce’s bedrooms are as sumptuous as her barbecues. We’ve all got comfy king-size beds, fluffy robes and jammies, and a bounteous buffet of late-night snacks. But none of us has much of an appetite . . . well, almost none of us.
“Stop pigging out and listen up, you guys!” I whisper. “We’ve got to figure a way out of here!”
“May I squeak . . . umm . . . speak?” says Adonis.
It’s pretty hard to take him seriously because his face, snout, and whiskers are smeared with chocolate.
“Sure, Pigasus—I mean, Adonis.” I giggle.
“Oink oink, very funny,” says Adonis. “Here’s my new plan: I think we can take her!”
“That’s the same as your old plan!” I wail.
“Sounds good to me,” squeals Poseidon Pig.
“Me too,” echoes Puneous Pig.
“Me eight!” grunts Heracles Hog.
“I think we’ve heard enough from the Four Little Pigs,” I say.
“Are you sure they’ll be okay out there?” asks Mathena. “What if they get cold?”
“Then we’ll throw a blanket on them,” replies Gaseous. “Mmmm—pigs in blankets.”
“Don’t worry about them—they’re in hog heaven,” I say. “Meanwhile, we’re still up a creek.”
“What are we supposed to do?” asks Gaseous. “Mumce’s one wacky witch!”
“I’ve never seen anybody want to be a mom that bad,” says Mathena.
“Mumce should talk to my mom,” mutters Gaseous. “She says being a mother stinks!”
“She really says that???” asks Mathena.
“Yeah,” replies Gaseous. “Especially after I’ve eaten beans!”
“Mumce should try babysitting my dad,” I say. “That would change her mind real fast!”
Hmmm.
“Wait a second,” I say. “That might be it!”
“What might be it?” asks Mathena.
“I’ve got a plan. Trust me—and do what I do.”
“Should we tell the porkers?” asks Gaseous.
“Better not,” I reply. “We wouldn’t want them to SQUEAL on us!”
Operation Mumce and Me commences bright and early the next morning. Gaseous, Mathena, and I tiptoe our way into Mumce’s bedroom. We take a running start and launch ourselves onto our slumbering Mumzy Wumzy.
“WHAT THE—????” bellows our groggy mommy. “Oh, my . . . children, you startled me! You mustn’t surprise Mumce like that!”
“I WANT PANCAKES! I WANT PANCAKES!” screams Gaseous.
“YUCK, MOMMY! No pancakes! Waffles!” I demand.
“It’s not fair, Mommy! They ALWAYS get what they want!” whines Mathena.
“Do not!” Gaseous and I yell.
“Do too!” wails Mathena.
“Do not, crybaby!”
“MO-OM!” moans Mathena. “They’re picking on me!”
“BABY NEEDS HER BOTTLE! WAH WAH, BABY!!!”
“MAKE THEM STOP, MUMZY WUMZY!!!”
“Please, children, please,” pleads Mumce. “Mommy needs her coffee first.”
“BUT WE’RE HUNGRYYYYYY!!!!!” we bawl.
“All right, all right,” grumbles Mumce. “Mommy will take a shower, and then get your breakfast.”
“We’ll help you make breakfast, Mumzy Wumzy!” says Mathena.
“That would be wonderful, Mathena my love! You go to the kitchen, and Mommy will be there lickety-split!”
“Can I go potty before you shower, Mommy?” asks Gaseous.
“Of course, sweet Gaseous!” replies Mumce. “Go right ahead.”
Gaseous enters Mumce’s bathroom, emerges a minute later, and announces, “Sorry, Mumzy Wumzy. I missed.”
“Oh, great.” Mumce sighs. “But not to worry, my darling. I’ll take care of it. You just wait for Mommy in the kitchen.”
“Okay, Mommy!” we shout. “See you soon! We’ll time you!”
OMGs—we are so annoying! We head down to the kitchen, and when Mumce comes downstairs after her shower, she has another surprise waiting for her.
“What have you DONE???” shrieks Mumce.
“I made you breakfast, Mama!” chirps Mathena.
“Did not!” Gaseous and I gripe.
“Did too, Booger Brains!” snaps Mathena.
“SHE CALLED US A NAME, MUMZY WUMZY!!!!!”
“STOP STOP STOP!!!” Mumce groans. “I’M BEGGING YOU!”
“Are you mad at us, Mumzy Wumzy?” asks Mathena.
“No, no, dear.” Mumce sighs. “Mommy has a splitting headache, that’s all. Say, I have an idea. Why don’t you three go out and play?”
“We want to play with YOU, Mumzy Wumzy!” I say. “All day!”
“EVERY DAY!!!” shout Gaseous and Mathena.
“That’s . . . nice,” replies Mumce. “You go play by yourselves now—”
“But Mommy—”
“PLAY!!!!!!!” screams Mumce at the top of her lungs.
“Okay, Mumzy Wumzy, if you say so,” says Mathena, eyeing Gaseous and me with a devilish grin. “Let’s play.”
So, we play . . .
And play . . .
And play . . .
After all that, Mumce looks like she’s about to go off the deep end!
“MUMCE NEEDS TO LIE DOWN, ANGELS!!!”
But we’ve saved the best for last. We wait until Mumce is sound asleep, and then release the hounds . . . I mean, pigs!
“THAT’S IT! I’VE HAD IT!” cries Mumce. “I HATE BEING A MOTHER! CHILDREN ARE THE WORST!!!”
“Sorry, Mumzy Wumzy!” I say.
“We thought you liked pigs!” adds Mathena.
“I NEVER WANT TO SEE ANOTHER PIG IN MY LIFE!”
“Speaking of pigs . . . what’s for dinner, Mumzy Wumzy?” asks Gaseous. “We’re STARVING!”
“NOTHING’S FOR DINNER! YOU’RE LEAVING! NOW!!!!!!!”
“Are you sure, Mommy?” says Mathena.
“OH, I AM VERY SURE! ALL OF YOU—TAKE A HIKE!!!!”
With a flick of her wrist, Mumce undoes the spell and turns all the pigs back into their old annoying selves.
We quickly grab Principal Deadipus (he’s still in the hot tub!) and skedaddle back to the Greek Freak. I’ve never been happier to see Phaethon in my life! We wave goodbye to our paradise lost—and to the mother we’re glad we never had!
“BYE-BYE, MUMZY WUMZY!” we all yell.
“GOOD RIDDANCE, YOU HORRIBLE BRATS!” calls Mumce.
As we sail off into the sunset, Mathena, Gaseous, and I take a moment to give ourselves a much-deserved pat on the back.
“That. Was. AWESOME!” bellows Adonis.
“I can’t believe we did it—again!” agrees Poseidon.
“WE ROCK!” echoes Puneous.
“OH, YEAHHHHH!!!” roars Heracles.
“Hogwash!” fumes Gaseous.
“I wish I could give them some credit,” I seethe
. “But that would be like putting . . . LIPSTICK ON A PIG!”
After some serious shut-eye, Gaseous, Mathena, Principal Deadipus, and I wake up refreshed. Adonis, Poseidon, Heracles, and Puneous are still asleep, though—and it’s pretty clear they’re not quite used to being human again.
Also, you should’ve seen their faces at breakfast when we offered them a choice of bacon, ham, or sausage!
So here we are, back out on the high seas, awaiting our next adventure.
In the meantime, there’s some danger I’ve been avoiding that’s right in front of me, and I can’t put it off any longer. I search the boat for Puneous and find him sitting alone on the railing, looking out at the endless sea.
“It’s so big,” Puneous says. “And I’m so little. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so small.”
“You’re not that small,” I say.
“Don’t lie,” he says. “That’s why you didn’t ask me to come along with you. I’m useless.”
“You’re not useless,” I say. “You’re fearless!”
“Oh, please . . .”
“It’s true. I’m sorry I didn’t have the courage to tell you about this trip. You’re my friend, and I owed you that. I’m sorry, Puneous. Can you forgive me?”
“Well, you did kinda save me from being a piglet for the rest of my life, so I guess we’re almost even.”
“Welcome back to the Odd side,” I say.
“It’s good to be back,” replies Puneous. “It was fun being a God for a little while, but it wasn’t really me. Also, I gotta say: those Gods sure are a bunch of hotheads!”
I smile, but don’t say a word. Puneous and I scan the seas together, keeping our eyes open. The map says BEWARE but we don’t see anything. Then suddenly, we hear something. It’s very faint, far off in the distance, and we could so easily ignore it. But instead of steering away from the sound, Phaethon turns the wheel and starts heading toward it—and none of us stop him!
The closer we get, the more bewitching the sound becomes. It’s a chorus of bings, booms, and bleeps—and it’s the most mesmerizing sound any of us has ever heard!
“So bumpin’,” murmurs Adonis.
“So thumpin’,” mumbles Poseidon.
“So crumpin’,” mutters Heracles.
“Bumpin’? Thumpin’? Crumpin’?” asks Mathena. “Have you all lost your bleepin’ minds?”
We’re getting near enough to see what’s making the sound. It’s a group of beautiful girls sitting on top of a rocky cliff! But nobody cares about that—because they are playing THE COOLEST VIDEO GAME EVER!
It will probably come as no surprise that Adonis and I have very different tastes when it comes to video games. He’s more of a shoot-’em-up guy—he loves games like Fleecenite and Phobos V: Horror Hunter. Me? I’m totally addicted to Oddcraft.
But this game these girls are playing . . . holy cow! What design! What graphics! What interfaces! It’s gorgeous!
We’re sailing closer and closer to the cliff every second. But nobody seems to care!
“So jagged,” I murmur.
“So dangerous,” Puneous mumbles.
“So what,” Gaseous mutters.
“Hello? What is wrong with you guys?” asks Mathena.
It’s the strangest thing—we know the Greek Freak is about to be dashed to bits, but we’re powerless to do anything about it! We must find out who these girls are—and more importantly, what game they’re playing!
“Who are you?” I call to them.
“The Sirens!” one of the girls says quickly. “Kinda busy, though. We’re totally schooling some Peloponnesian kids!!!”
“What is that awesome game you’re playing?” begs Adonis.
“And can we get dibs on the next game?” asks Gaseous.
“Sure!” the girls reply. “It’s called Sirens IV: Titan War!”
“Come closer to the rocks so we can teach you!” urge the Sirens.
“Full speed ahead, Heracles!” cries Adonis.
Heracles rows harder and harder. The cliff gets nearer and nearer. We’re either being soaked by sea spray—or I just wet my toga.
“Umm . . . you guys did hear them say they’re Sirens, right?” asks Mathena. “As in, lure-sailors-to-their-deaths Sirens? As in, don’t you see how close we’re getting to those rocks???”
“Yes!” screams Gaseous. “Isn’t it great? We can really see the game now!”
Mathena turns to Principal Deadipus and says, “Can’t you do something?”
“I can try,” replies Principal Deadipus. “Now hear this!” he commands. “There will be no video games on this ship!”
“I should have known,” Deadipus sighs. “We adults are powerless against the Siren song of video games.”
“Check it out!” barks Poseidon. “One of the characters looks like Heracles!”
“How can me be there when me here?” yells Heracles. “Me confused!”
“You can choose whoever you want to be!” shouts one of the Sirens.
“My character is Enyo, Goddess of war,” adds another. “I just broke out of prison in Tartarus, and now I’m looking for revenge! Join me!”
“Come playyyyy! Come playyyyy!” sing the Sirens.
“Okayyyyy! Okayyyyy!” we reply.
We’re all completely hooked. Even Mathena looks psyched!
“Wow—this is great!” she exclaims.
“I’m so glad you feel that way!” I say. “What changed your mind?”
“Well,” she replies, “I realized something: this game is all about math!”
TOTAL. SILENCE.
“What do you mean, it’s about . . . math?” asks Adonis.
“I mean, it’s as simple as two plus two!” she says. “If you like math, then you’ll love this game!”
“B-b-but it’s not a math game!” blubbers Adonis. “IS IT???”
“IT’S NOT! IT’S NOT!” shriek the Sirens.
“Sure it is!” raves Mathena.
“It’s TOTALLY a math game! Come on! Do the math!”
“This is a tough one!” groans Adonis. “You might even call it a . . .”
“Hey,” I suggest. “Maybe we could play Oddcraft instead!”
“Okay, that settles it,” grumbles Adonis. “We’re leaving.”
“NOOOOOOOO!!!” scream the Sirens.
“You heard him.” Mathena smiles. “Adonis doesn’t play math games.”
“Pleeeeeease?” beg the Sirens. “Just one?”
“Sorry, sisters,” replies Mathena. “Game over.”
Whoa—talk about a game changer! Mathena’s “Oh, snap!” snaps us out of the spell we were all under. Ever so carefully, we row past the Sirens’ cliff, and out of harm’s way.
“I’m very proud of you, children,” says Principal Deadipus. “I believe the phrase is . . . bad pops?”
“It’s mad props, sir,” I reply. “And thanks—but we couldn’t have done it without Mathena.”
“Quite right,” says Deadipus. “Her actions were truly . . . titanic!”
Phew! That was a close one! We’ve made it past the Whyclops, Mumce, and—thanks to Mathena’s quick thinking—the Sirens!
Next stop: the Underworld!
An overwhelming feeling of dread settles over the crew of the Greek Freak when we pass an island and see this ominous sign:
“So, th-th-this is it,” I stammer.
“I just remembered—I left my retainer at home! Can we t-t-turn around?” stutters Gaseous.
We sail on until we eye some figures standing on the shore, waving at our boat. We all shudder. What fiendish demons await us? What hideous ghouls might they be? I grab the spyglass, swallow hard, and prepare myself for the worst.
This is what we’ve been so afraid of? This is the inferno of eternal misery? This is the bottomless pit of doom? Two guys in tighty whities??? We row the boat to shore and slide up on the soft sand.
“Ahoy there, matey!” yells Poseidon. “Is this the Underworld?”
“No
t quite!” one of them chuckles. “But you’re getting warmer!”
“Well, where are we then?”
“This here . . . is UnderWEAR World!”
“Underwear World???” I ask.
“You betcha!” says his buddy. “Welcome, strangers! I’m Hanes—rhymes with Hades, but don’t you worry, I’m not him! And that fella over there is Jockeyus! Now, first things first: if you’d be so kind, please recite the Underwear World pledge of allegiance. Everybody ready? Repeat after me! ‘UNDERWEAR is FUN TO WEAR!’”
“Do we have to?” asks Puneous.
“Only if you want to live!” roars Jockeyus . . . gulp . . . jokingly?
“Hahaha,” we answer nervously. “Uhhh . . . underwear is fun to wear?’”
“Good! That wasn’t so hard, was it?” says Hanes. “All righty then, if you’ll follow me, you lucky duckies are in for a treat! You have been summoned to meet the grand ruler of Underwear World himself!”
“And who might that be?” asks Principal Deadipus.
“Why, King Tightywhiteyus, of course!”
“Of course,” says Deadipus.
Before exiting the boat, we gather together for a quick conference.
“What do you guys think we should do?” I ask.
“Okay, here’s the thing,” whispers Adonis. “Those dudes are only wearing undies. So obviously we should attack!”
“Sounds good to me,” says Poseidon.
“Me . . . tutu,” adds Heracles.
“We’ve done pretty well using diplomacy so far,” I add. “Why stop now?”
“Because it’s more fun to just attack?” replies Adonis.
“Violence will get you nowhere, Adonis,” scolds Principal Deadipus. “I say we try to be gracious guests, pay our respects to this King Tightywhiteyus, and then be on our way.”