by Eden Beck
I want to be able to give in.
I know she thinks we don’t understand, that I don’t understand … but she couldn’t be more wrong. I understand that feeling more than she could ever know. I want more than just to be able to give in.
I want to be able to give her everything. I want … I want …
I just want.
Thanks to the bond that binds us, all I can do is want.
If Rory hadn’t told me about that little detail in the turning process, I would have given in to this want a long time ago. If caving to my desire for Sabrina didn’t jeopardize any chance at a future with her, I would have given into that want ages ago.
But as it is, the thing I want the most is the one thing I can’t have. And it’s a fact that I’m constantly reminded of.
“Hurry up,” I say, bouncing on the balls of my feet while I wait for Rory to finish tying his shoes. He glances up at me with a look of annoyance, but he says nothing.
Marlowe, meanwhile, can’t help but tease me.
“Anxious to get going today?” he asks, a subtle lilt to his voice that signals mischief is afoot. And it is.
Today, after many weeks of letting Sabrina stew in her own misplaced jealousy, we’ve finally decided to do something about it. Or more like Rory has. Everything always boils down to Rory.
It was my idea to take Sabrina away from here ages ago, months ago. But it wasn’t until now that Rory finally agreed it was a good idea … and only because of the alliance meeting Romulus has set up for this weekend.
Better to get her away from the house with us than to ask her to stay away. If we keep asking her to stay away, one of these days she might stay away for good.
If only I had Lydia’s gift. I wish I knew Sabrina’s mind as well as my mother knows mine. I wish I knew her every thought, her every whim, her every desire.
Maybe then I’d be able to find a way to satisfy her … even if I can’t do it in the traditional sense. In the feral sense.
At long last, Rory straightens up. Even though he’s trying to remain calm, I can tell he’s excited too. I can hear it in the quickening of his breath, the way his heart skips a beat. As much as we’ve been wrapped up in preparations for my swearing-into the alliance, we’ve missed Sabrina too. As much as she doubts it. As much as she accuses us of not wanting to be with her.
That’s all we want, to be with her. Unfortunately, duty and tradition have kept us away these last weeks, these last months … but we finally have the chance to be with her, alone. And just the thought of it makes my very blood feel like it’s on fire.
We’re two steps out the door when Romulus’ voice makes us pause.
“So you’ve decided to go ahead and do it, then?”
I stop in my tracks alongside my brothers, both Marlowe and I glancing at Rory with a look of confusion before looking back to our father.
“What do you …” Marlowe starts, trailing off when he sees the look on Rory’s face.
I, meanwhile, try to shift my posture and grin at the man I’ve only recently come to call father.
“Oh, come on, don’t tell me you tried to talk Rory out of it?” I say. “Not after all the work we put in trying to talk him into it.”
Under any other circumstances, in any other position, Romulus would be fighting back a smile right now. But here, now, there isn’t so much as the hint of a smile on his face. When it comes to Sabrina, he’s always serious.
And it’s exhausting.
Romulus just shakes his head, his eyes focused on his eldest son. He expects so much more of his blood child. Too much, sometimes.
His stare, after a moment, makes Rory finally look away.
“I know you don’t think it’s wise,” he says, finally, “but I’ve made up my mind.”
My heartbeat quickens as it always does when we’re about to defy our father. It isn’t something we do lightly.
His mouth, still unsmiling, presses into a thin line.
“Well then, if you’ve made up your minds,” he says, “then at least do her the courtesy of taking her far enough out that you won’t run into any wandering packs.”
“We know the rules,” Rory says, his voice not able to hide the hint of snarl there.
Romulus doesn’t miss it either.
“Do you?” he snaps.
Suddenly, Lydia appears in the doorway behind him. Even before her hands reach to rest on either one of his shoulders, he’s already seemed to start backing down. His posture relaxes—some, not totally. But his own shoulders seem to melt at her touch, dropping down from their raised posture. He no longer looks like he’s ready to fight.
He just looks tired.
And Marlowe, ever the most astute one, jumps at the opportunity.
“We’ll be careful, we promise,” he says, taking a half step forward towards Romulus still in the doorway. “It’ll be better this way. No accidents. No taking watch up at the top of the hill.”
I grin at that.
I wonder, sometimes, if Sabrina has figured it out yet. She’s always accusing us of leaving her alone when in reality, she’s never alone. We’re always watching over her, making sure that the wayward packs moving territories for the upcoming ceremony don’t linger too long around the cabin. Make sure they don’t get too curious sniffing out the same scent that drew us to her in the first place.
“Just be careful,” Romulus says, his voice strangely quiet. “You forget yourselves, sometimes. Sabrina doesn’t know who you are. She doesn’t know what you are. She doesn’t know what you’re capable of.”
Romulus keeps his eyes on Rory, even as Marlowe speaks. He’s watching him, waiting for something.
In turn, out of my own curiosity, I turn back to look at him too.
Something about Rory tonight … it’s unreadable. I see why he’s made Romulus pause.
I cock my head at him as I look on, wondering what it is on his mind. Rory, out of the three of us, is usually the easiest to gage. He doesn’t act on instinct like I do, or out of a desire for peace like Marlowe. He acts on principle. He does what must be done. He does what’s right.
Why then, tonight, do I get the feeling something about him is different? It’s as if he’s made up his mind about something, but I can’t figure out what it is.
It’s not this trip. It’s more than that.
And it’s a feeling I can’t shake even as we finally climb up into Rory’s car and head off down the hill, ready to grab Sabrina’s things and meet her back at school.
I try to keep excited, try to let my pulse quicken and my mind race again at the thought of the weekend ahead. But more than Rory’s strange attitude, what Romulus said as we left has stuck with me.
I know we keep Sabrina guarded, but what if we’ve withheld too much?
What if she really doesn’t have any idea what we’re capable of?
Maybe Vivian was right.
Maybe Sabrina should be afraid … but not of the turning, not of the ceremony. Of us.
9
Sabrina
Marlowe’s hand tugs on mine, pulling me alongside him.
“Come on, hurry up!”
“Where are we going?” I ask.
He just grins at me. “It’s a surprise.”
We all pile into Rory’s Jeep, now all fixed-up and loaded with blankets and backpacks to set off toward some unknown destination. It reminds me of when I first met Rory, or not long after, when he did something similar for us to work on our now long-forgotten Lycanthrope project.
The nostalgia adds to the growing anticipation.
As soon as school ended and the weekend began, all three of them began snickering about this “surprise” they have in store. They told me to hop in the car because they already had everything we would need. I protested at first, thinking that if we were going anywhere for the weekend that I would at least need to let mom know and grab a few essentials from the cabin … but Marlowe assured me that they’d already cleared it with my mom and that I wouldn’t ne
ed anything that they didn’t already have.
Not that these days she’d even noticed if I disappeared for a couple days. She might not notice if I disappeared altogether.
So with blind and reckless trust, I hop into the passenger seat of the Jeep alongside Rory. Marlowe and Kaleb sit back in the back with all the stuff and howl like wolves as we drive through the woods.
I join in, knowing full well I sound more like a rabid dog than a wolf—but I don’t care.
Nothing can dampen the excitement of this weekend away.
For the first time in ages, it’ll be just me, Rory, Marlowe, and Kaleb. No school. No parents. No Vivian.
The past few days have had a steady snowfall, so instead of just a dusting, the woods now have full-on snowdrifts and the tree branches are piled with white, fluffy mounds. I try to probe Rory for hints of where we’re headed, but he keeps his lips sealed aside from the occasional satisfied smile.
“So, what did I do to deserve this so-called surprise?” I ask. I know we’ve only been driving for something like an hour, but the curiosity is killing me. I haven’t been this far out of North Port since I arrived. Sometimes I think I forget that there’s anything out there beyond the now familiar trees.
“You don’t need to deserve a surprise Sabrina. That would defeat the whole point.”
“Is it though?” I ask.
“Is it what?
“Random.”
Rory looks confused. “What do you mean?”
“I know that the wolf packs are gathering. It does seem awfully coincidental that you’re taking me on a surprise weekend getaway at the exact same time.”
“I can promise you,” he says. “That this surprise is all about heading toward something, and not running away from something. But if it does give the added bonus of keeping you extra safe, then that’s even better.”
I eye him suspiciously. Putting space between me and all the other gathering packs is definitely part of the reason behind this little trip. He can’t fool me.
Just as I’m about to press him more, he takes another turn and the change in scenery makes me forget anything else. To one side, the river winds along the edge of a steep gorge, nothing but a narrow metal railing between us and certain death. Up ahead, the snow-covered mountains melt into the tree line for miles upon miles of uninterrupted wilderness.
We must drive like this for hours, my face pressed to the glass to watch the flickering landscape. At long last, the Jeep rolls to a stop and I look around. There’s nothing here. No cabin, no hotel, not even a campsite with a makeshift tent.
“Wait, are we spending the night here?” I ask as Rory opens his door to get out.
“We’re spending the whole weekend here.” He grins.
I hesitate a moment, trying not to sound ungrateful for their efforts. “You guys remember that I don’t have the wolfish body heat that you three do, right?”
Rory just laughs and my door opens as Kaleb stands on the other side waiting for me to get out.
“You don’t need to have your own wolfish body heat,” he says. “You have us.”
The guys grab the backpacks and blankets, and Kaleb tosses me one of his super-thick hoodies as we start walking between the trees and into the woods. It’s cold, but there’s no wind and I’m surprisingly warm in Kaleb’s hoodie. After a short walk, we get to the mouth of a cave and the guys start to head inside. I follow them, but Kaleb grabs my hand before I can go in.
“Not yet,” he says with a grin. He tosses his backpack into the mouth of the cave and Marlowe catches it. “You and I are going to take a walk.”
“Okay,” I say, a bit bewildered as we leave the other two behind.
“What’s in all the backpacks?” I ask as Kaleb and I walk alongside a thin, rushing stream that weaves through the trees like a miniature river.
“A surprise.”
I roll my eyes.
Kaleb holds my hand as we jump over the little stream and walk along the other side.
“Did you mean what you said when you and I were inside the tree?” he asks after a moment.
“Which part?” I tease.
“I’m being serious,” Kaleb says. I look over at his face and see that he actually is. He’s wearing a pensive expression usually reserved for Rory, or even Marlowe. “About feeling left out.”
“Yeah,” I answer. “I completely meant every bit of it.”
“Have you thought about what it would actually mean though? About how much your life would change?”
I guess I really hadn’t. Ever since I started getting so close to the guys, I hadn’t really given thought to anything aside from being with them. Nothing else seemed to matter as much to me.
Vivian saw that right away.
Just the thought of her makes me pull the hoodie tighter around me.
“It’s not as easy and cool as you might think it is,” Kaleb continues before I’ve finished thinking about how to answer him. “There’s a lot to being a shifter that isn’t glamorous.”
“Like pooping in the woods?” I tease again. It feels like there was a heaviness around the moment, so I try to toss in some levity.
There’s nothing light about his response.
“Like killing things.”
I stop in my tracks as a horrible thought crosses my mind.
“Kaleb, have you ever killed anyone? A person, I mean?”
“No,” he says, and I’m immediately relieved. “But I know of many shifters who have. Most of them are accidents, or so they claim, but a few were undeniably intentional.”
My mind wanders to the other two. I doubt any of the boys have killed a human, but I’m guessing that in all of his many years, Romulus probably has.
I’m not really sure what to say, but the way Kaleb’s looking at me … I struggle on anyway.
“I’d like to think that everyone has a choice in the kind of person they become, shifter or human or otherwise. I don’t think we just can’t help who we are. I think we create who we are. And if you’re trying to scare me out of wanting to be like you guys, it’s not working.”
Kaleb laughs. “I wouldn’t dream of it. I’m pretty sure you’re not scared of anything.”
If only he knew how wrong he is.
We hop back over the gurgling stream and head back toward the cave. As soon as we’re within eyesight of it I spot Rory and Marlowe standing just outside the entrance, waiting for us. Kaleb and I walk up to them, and smiles radiate off all three of the guys at once.
“Ready?” Rory asks as he reaches for my hand.
When I step inside the mouth of the cave, I’m absolutely blown away. Lining the walls of the cavern are dozens and dozens of pillar candles drenching the cave in a golden, flickering light. In the middle of the cavern are several soft piles of blankets lumped up into cozy-looking, warm little nests. It’s far more intimate than I imagined.
“And …” Marlowe says as he reaches for something else. “We brought food.”
He holds out a charcuterie board that is so deliciously piled with savory meats and cheeses that it makes me start salivating. Rory pulls a couple of bottles out of one of the backpacks.
“And wine,” he smiles.
“Of course,” I say, half laughing.
I remember the sweet, red drink from a similar bottle at the mansion that Romulus was pouring into glasses while we sat by the fire. I don’t know what exactly it is, but I know it is delectable.
If I end up staying with them as long as I plan to, I’m going to end up a wine connoisseur. It’s inevitable.
Even though I’ve teased the boys most of the way up here, I can’t help the genuine smile that breaks out across my own face.
“Come on,” Kaleb says as he pulls me down onto one of the mounds of blankets and Marlowe lays the platter of food in front of us. Rory wastes no time and starts pouring the drinks. I feel like a princess in my own personal cave with my own personal trio of devoted dragons, or in this case, wolves.
We eat,
and talk, and laugh, and drink wine until everything starts to feel warm—both inside and out. There are so many blankets that Marlowe can push them up into soft, little mountains for us to lay against until we’re all tangled up in a comfortable heap against each other.
Kaleb is on one side of me and Marlowe is on the other, my back leaned up against Rory who’s leaning against the mountain of blankets. It grows so warm that I have to take Kaleb’s hoodie off, even with the cold air coming in from outside.
Being in-between all of the guys is like being near the sun.
Their heat emanates from their bodies and envelops me in warmth. In fact, between the wine, their bodies, and the pulsing heat from all the candles; I feel myself getting heated in more ways than one.
When I turn my head toward Kaleb, he kisses me and the taste of his tongue in my mouth lights my senses on fire. When I turn my face to Marlowe, he sweeps the stray strands of hair from my cheek and holds my face as he kisses me too, our open mouths colliding as we push away any space between us. I lean back against Rory and I can feel his desire pulsing against the back of my tailbone. Tonight is a moment more full of tantalizing longing than I ever thought possible.
“Aww man,” Marlowe says, looking like he’s just remembered something. “We left the bag with the clothes in the car.”
“Clothes?” I say. I’d gotten so caught up in the moment that I hadn’t noticed.
“Shit,” Kaleb says as he gets up. “Whelp, let’s go grab it.”
Marlowe stands up along with him.
“Are you guys sure you want to go all the way back to the car now?” I ask. “I can sleep in this and we can go grab the back in the morning if you want.”
“Nah, we’ll go get it,” Kaleb says as the two of them are already almost out the opening of the cave. “We brought you the softest shirt to sleep in.” He grins and I smile back at them both. “It’s not perfect, but given the circumstances, it’ll have to do.”
I can hear what they can’t say, what they’re really like.
Nothing. That’s what I should be wearing.
“So,” Rory says as he nuzzles up against the back of my neck. “What do you think, did we do a good job?”