The definitions of male and female roles are, from day one, intensively socialized into children and these same definitions are constantly reinforced throughout our lives. Classically, a man is “supposed to be” rational, productive and hardworking, but he is “not supposed to be” emotional, in touch with his feelings, or overtly loving. On the other hand, a woman is not supposed to think rationally, be able to balance the checkbook, or be powerful. She can supply the man she relates to with the emotional, feeling functions that are missing in him, and he can take care of business for her. These, of course, are the extreme characteristics of male/female sex roles. Obviously all people do not completely fit into these roles. In general, however, there is a tendency for people to define themselves in their society’s masculine and feminine terms.
A particularly unhealthy result of our male-female sex role training is that gaps have been created in people which limit their potential to become whole human beings. Often what happens with men and women is that they feel incomplete when they lack a partner of the opposite sex, so that they continually look for fulfillment in another; and, in addition to the feeling of incompletion, they feel not O.K. for not being in a relationship. Like two parts of a puzzle or two halves of a whole, men and women will often either direct their energy into looking for someone else to match up with and/or they will cling (fearfully) to an already established dependency relationship.
Structural Analysis of Sex Roles—Men
When we look at people in terms of their ego functions, it becomes evident that males are enjoined—actually more than enjoined, they are pressured or coerced—to conform to certain scripts. They develop their Adults so that they will be rational, good at math and science, and generally able to think along logical lines. However, they are dissuaded from developing the Nurturing Parent, either for others or for themselves. Most young boys, for instance, would not include in their self-images the ability to nurture children or the ability to directly take care of and comfort other people. A boy’s O.K. self-image would depend more on his ability to “take care of business” and be strong so that if he were needed to take care of people it would be indirectly through his Adult performance. While he is taught that it is important for him to have a well-developed Adult, it is not necessary —maybe it’s not even all right—for him to have a strong Nurturing Parent. But because men are often told they should be nurturing and should support life and be involved in child-rearing, they feel guilty if they don’t want to, so they Rescue; that is, they do things for people that they really don’t want to do, because their Pig Parent tells them they should want to.
In addition, men are enjoined against being in touch with their Natural Child. They are given messages not to feel, to discount their feelings; in fact, according to the lies we’ve been told, it’s best if men aren’t “too emotional.” It would be difficult for a boy to compete and be willing to get hurt in a football game if he were in touch with his feelings, because he might feel afraid of competition and of being hurt.
Men are told that it is also not important generally for a man to be in touch with his Little Professor, the intuitive part of his Child. If Mr. Jones, making a business deal, is using his Little Professor he might pick up that Mr. Brown was very scared and worried about the negotiations. Further, if Mr. Jones had a clear pipeline to his Nurturing Parent, he might feel empathetic, feel compelled to be fair, and give Brown a break. He would have trouble being competitive; he would want to be understanding and cooperative.
Men, were they tuned in to their feelings, would not only be unable to exploit others, but they’d also be unable to exploit themselves, their bodies; they wouldn’t do unpleasant and boring labor or risk their lives or kill others in military service.
Often, because they are out of touch with their feelings, men tend to abuse drugs more than women do. They tend to be scripted for Joylessness which expresses itself in strong body splits (see Chapter 10).
The main job of the male Pig Parent is to police men into always having their Adults turned on, to do what their Pigs say they should do to be “real men,” that is, to be out of touch with their nurturing, intuitive, or fun-loving feelings. Figure 9 is a diagram of the ego development in men depicting the effects of banal sex role scripting.
Structural Analysis of Sex Roles—Women
Women are programmed to be the productive male’s complementary other half. More precisely, men are incomplete halves which women are supposed to fill in and complete—not vice versa. Women are trained to be adaptable. They are also enjoined to have a strong Nurturing Parent. It is their job to bring up children, take care of people (especially “their” men), and be nurturing. They are not enjoined or conditioned to have a strong Adult. It is acceptable and O.K. if a woman cannot understand her income-tax forms, or if she doesn’t have a head for math and mechanics. She doesn’t have to think rationally and logically. Actually, for her to fulfill her function as an assistant or girl-Friday to men and to promote volunteerism and the free labor of housework, it is important for a woman not to develop her Adult. It is necessary for her, however (as it is for men), to have a Pig Parent to enforce the “laws” of her script, that is, to keep her in her place (one-down).
Society’s general script for women is conceived so that we feel powerless. What that means in terms of a structural analysis (of the ego states) is that we do not have Adult power, that we tend to be irrational, and therefore have difficulty taking responsibility for our decisions and actions. If we are following the usual script, we look for others, especially men, to Rescue us, and we don’t trust ourselves or other women to take care of business in the world.
On the other hand, it is O.K. for women to have a well-developed Little Professor, to be intuitive and know what’s going on with other people so that they know when and how to nurture others. If women are tuned in they can take care of people’s wishes without their even having to ask for what they want (which is the usual female role in the Rescue game). Nor do women have much permission to have a Natural Child; if we did we would be tuned in to exactly what we want.
Figure 9
The general body script for women is to meet the media image of the “beautiful woman”; to look good from the outside in, not necessarily to feel good from the inside out. The “ideal” woman, or “Barbie doll,” tends to have weak arms, long fingernails that make for inefficient use of the hands, a small waist, flat stomach, long slender legs that are not particularly strong but look good, narrow, pointed feet that are not well planted on the ground, and breasts that are not full of feeling.
The issue of women’s breasts is particularly important. They are judged so much by others and compared to the media image of what beautiful breasts are supposed to be that they often become lacking in feeling. They tend to feel like they don’t belong to the woman but rather seem to be taken over and possessed by others for their visual value. Women are also persuaded to feel not O.K. and depressed in reaction to the increased sensitivity and emotionality which they feel at the time of their menstrual period rather than enjoying the heightened awareness of their feelings.
Figure 10 is a diagram of the ego development in women, depicting the effects of banal sex role scripting.
Sex Roles and the Family
In the standard nuclear family setting, men and women Rescue (see Chapter 11) each other constantly in a vast number of ways. Dad Rescues the family by taking care of such business as keeping the car tuned, doing the income tax, working a forty-hour-a-week job (which he hates), and Mom Rescues by supplying almost all the nurturing and loving needed in the family, by being tuned in to what others feel and supplying what they need without their having to ask and, finally, by giving a lot more to her children than she can ever hope to get back. Also, Dad Rescues Mom by doing more than 50% of the work in their sex life. He, for the most part, initiates it and determines how it will go. Mom may eventually get resentful about just having sex (especially if she doesn’t experience orgasm) becaus
e he doesn’t give her enough tender lovings. This happens because Dad’s male scripting disconnects him from his sensual feelings and makes him unaware of what she wants from him. On the other hand, she doesn’t talk straight about it. Her Pig Parent tells her people won’t like her if she says what she really feels, particularly if she says what she wants sexually, so she “adapts” and then slowly gets resentful and Persecutes Dad. And, on and on, the vicious Rescue cycle goes.
Figure 10
The Rescue Triangle is, as has been stated already, a merry-go-round. In this example, Dad Rescued Mom, the sexual Victim; then Mom rescued Dad by not telling him her real feelings; later they can both cash in their held resentment for Persecutory time. She gets angry and “frigid” with him, and he wants to make love on the sly with other women or is “impotent” with her.
Dad has also discounted himself. Men often are not even in touch with how they discount themselves. They usually don’t know exactly what they want and feel because they’ve been effectively taught to be out of touch in order to perform and compete. It’s hard to break this vicious cycle because as men start to get in touch, the first feelings to emerge are very often unpleasant ones, such as fear and guilt (see Chapter 27). Thus it is easy for men to get locked in to not wanting to experience feelings in order to avoid these unpleasant feelings. Dad hasn’t listened carefully to himself because he hasn’t liked what he has heard.
As R. D. Laing points out, discounting turns people into invalids; and because of women’s permission to be in touch with their intuitive Child, they are more prone to be the victims of discounting. Mary says, “I think you don’t love me any more,” and Fred answers, “That’s not true, I do,” because he feels guilty and/or he’s out of touch. Thus she is made to feel crazy. Her internal dialogue runs something like this: “I can’t understand it. I have a strong gut feeling that he doesn’t love me any more, but he says he does. Where is this feeling coming from? I wish I wasn’t so confused.” This is the way in which women are often cut off from their power of intuition and made to feel not O.K. and crazy.
Intuitive power is a very important form of personal power, but the only way to use it in a safe and self-benefiting manner is if someone else will agree to validate one’s experience by being absolutely honest, which requires that they take risks to be really in touch with themselves. The importance of paranoia as heightened awareness has been elaborated upon in Chapter 9. The means by which we can validate our intuitive experiences for each other is called Accounting (see Chapter 23), that is, by being completely honest, keeping no secrets, and sharing our paranoid fantasies (our scared, intuitive suspicions) about each other as well as responding to others’ paranoias by accounting for the “grain of truth” in them.
Sex Roles and Relationships
The strongest avenue of communication left open to a man and woman in a relationship other than Pig Parent to Pig Parent is Natural Child to Natural Child. The Child to Child connection is all too often the sole basis for loving relationships between men and women. Sexual, loving, Child-to-Child attraction is often what brings people together initially. This is not a lasting bond because the situation as described puts undue stress on the Child element of their relationship.
The situation is reminiscent of two happy, laughing children eating a delicious strawberry shortcake. Without thinking they enjoy and consume their goody but are suddenly sad and surprised when it’s all gone. They are disappointed and hurt when they realize they can’t seem to have their cake and eat it too. Having been carefully groomed as consumers, the two lovers lack vision and power about their needs. They know how to consume this cake, but don’t know how to preserve it and create more and even better ones.
We are all taught to consume each other like disposable toys; when people are used up, break down, or don’t work right any more, we just throw them out and go shopping for another. Behind us lies a pathetic junkyard of psychic corpses; people we have used up and tossed out. What a waste of our loving investment in other human beings! This behavior keeps us separated from each other and unable to work together cooperatively so we can all get more of what we want.
Discounts (Chapter 9) help defeat relationships between men and women and are especially harmful to the mental well-being of women. The lack of development in the Little Professor of men contributes to this problem. When Mary, after ten years of marriage, says to Fred, “I don’t think you love me any more, Fred. I just don’t feel you love me,” and he answers, “That’s absurd, don’t be silly. Of course I love you,” or if she says, “I’m afraid to be at home alone when you go away,” and he responds with, “Don’t be afraid. There’s nothing to be afraid of,” they are going through a typical difficulty between men and women. He is discounting her feelings and is not tuned in to the fact that there might be something real and important in her experience of things. The guilt from his Pig Parent, who says he has to love his wife, may be keeping him from being in touch with what his true feelings are, although she may be tuned in to them. He discounts his feelings and her intuitive perceptions. As a consequence, she becomes confused and irrational and he, more guilty and out of touch. This pattern manages to wreck many potentially good relationships.
The Sex Role Conspiracy
There’s a mystification about the way men and women are scripted to go together like sweet and sour sauce, hot and cold, yin and yang. It’s supposedly a groovy, beautiful thing. The problem is that people really don’t fit together very well that way (as grotesquely exemplified on TV by Archie and Edith Bunker). Actually, it is in this way that men and women become mysteries to each other, rather than complements. It is often said that men don’t understand the way women think. Women don’t understand the way men think, either. And as far as relationships go, believing the myth of complementary sex roles conspires against genuine success because communication between men and women is broken down in so many ways.
The two crucial obstacles against full and long-lasting relationships between men and women are 1) that they are often unable to have good intimate loving relationships with each other; and 2) that they have difficulty developing satisfying and equal working relationships with each other. The way in which communication is defeated is easily seen in Figure 11A, diagraming the possible transactions between men and women.
There is often communication from her Nurturing Parent to his Child, but little vice versa. Because there’s weak communication between their Adults, it’s difficult for them to develop the intimacy of a cooperative and efficient working relationship. Also lacking is the potential bond between Nurturing Parents because of his lack of development in that area and her scripting to assume the majority of the responsibility for bringing up their children. The communication between Little Professors is weak, too. This causes a lack of intimacy when they are unable to share their intuitions about each other and other people.
When we put these two people together and they “become one” we find that, indeed, they are less than two people. Actually, the composite of their two personalities (Figure 11B) equals one Nurturing Parent, one Adult, one Little Professor, two half Natural Childs,1 and two Pig Parents—a paltry human being indeed.
Figure 11
Combating Sex Roles
Men and women need to work in a cooperative process of reclaiming their full power as human beings. Women need to reclaim their Adult power, their ability to think rationally and do what they want to do and to stop Rescuing: stop giving nurturing and strokes that are not returned, and especially stop loving people who don’t love them back equally. It’s in their best interest to only match the lovings they get so they can stop being resentful of men and apply their surplus lovings to themselves and to others who love them back. Men need to develop their Nurturing Parent for themselves and for others to work on getting in touch with their feelings, particularly their Little Professor and their Natural Child. Men need to start doing things only because they feel they want to, not because they feel guilty for n
ot doing them. Both men and women need to rid themselves of their oppressive Pig Parent.
When men and women reclaim full use of their different ego state power (Figure 12), they can communicate Nurturing Parent to Nurturing Parent, Nurturing Parent to Child, Adult to Adult, Little Professor to Little Professor, and Natural Child to Natural Child. Obviously, having all of these options is a much better basis on which to create and build a cooperative and equal loving relationship.
14
Banal Scripts of Women
by Hogie Wyckoff
Not only have women been scripted by their parents and encouraged in their roles by the mass media, but also important to note here is that sex role typing is an ancient phenomenon reflected, for example, by the goddesses of Greek mythology: Athens is the prototype of “Woman Behind the Man”; Hera is “Mother Hubbard”; and Aphrodite is “Plastic Woman.” Sex roles have also been reified by psychiatrists; for example, the Anima and Animus archetypes of Carl Jung.
I’m going to present some women’s scripts to show how women are trained to accept the mystification that they are incomplete, inadequate, and dependent. The scripts that I will describe have been chosen for their recognition value. These are examples of scripts I have seen repeatedly in women who have been in group with me. I want to point out, though, that it is possible for a woman to have a blend of two or three scripts, or that although the theme is similar to these the particulars may be different. In describing these banal scripts I will first indicate the Thesis, or life plan. This will include how intimacy, spontaneity, and awareness are oppressed; how she may fight back; the pastimes she engages in; and the sad ending called for by the script. The rest of the items correspond closely to Claude’s description of the Script Checklist (Chapter 7).
Scripts People Live Page 20